Am I just crazy and selfish to feel this way?

[Howtomakesense]

I think maybe I am, and need a kick up the arse.

My non-resident parent, when I was growing up, at some point took our private health insurance for themselves and my new sibling. But not me.

My sibling has SEN and so I suppose they were worried there might be more medical needs. As it happens they are very physically healthy so I don't think it was needed much.

But as a small child I was diagnosed with diabetes, type 1 which is a lifelong condition. It never seemed to occur to my parent that it would be beneficial for me to have health insurance. For most insurance, they pay for pre existing conditions after 3 years or so.

I had a really difficult time as a young person when I left children's diabetes clinics and could not find an adult clinic due to waiting lists in my area, where it would have been useful to have access to private healthcare. I've had problems arising from diabetes over the years.

I never had a bed at my parent's house or anywhere to keep my things. I slept on couch cushions on the floor or then on an air bed in my sibling's room, which as a teenage girl was not ideal.

I was loved but feel like I was treated very much like someone who was not entitled to the same level of care as much as Sibling was, it is hard to explain really.

Parent has since passed and said when they were dying, that they just could not deal with my diabetes as well as everything else.

Am I being a selfish dick to feel I was a lower priority?

Not at all. Probably you were in some ways but if you did feel loved,seen,respected,secure etc. then they probably just did the best they could.
Did they make you feel like a priority in other ways/at other times?

YANBU. A glass child.

No not selfish, as a parent myself it seems very odd. The not having a bed is particularly unacceptable.
On the health insurance, this is not something I would worry as much about, most people don’t have it and they did perhaps think a child with Sen would be less likely to be able to provide this for themselves and also need it more.

What was their explanation as to why you didn't have a bed, that's awful.

Never felt like a priority after my sibling was born, no.

It's hard to describe, I felt loved and taken seriously - but it's like my needs and wants were seen as more inconvenient and a bit of a pain in the arse.

I sort of feel like they expected me to be a lot more capable and successful than I actually was, and then it caused irritation when I was unwell or otherwise unable to cope.

I had depression in my late teens and on and off through my twenties so I probably was a massive disappointment in many ways, so I can understand in a way.

In fairness they just wanted me to be ok and happy but I hadn't a clue.

No explanation really, just no room.

I have never heard this expression before, what does it mean if you don't mind me asking?

Yeah , none of that is ok or good parenting.YANBU. Understanding why, does not negate your feelings or the consequences of their actions/behaviour.

I feel guity now even writing this thread tbh.

guilty

The overlooked sibling(s) of an ill or disabled child.

“Glass children is a recent designation for children like Nick, Alice, and Monica. They aren’t called that because of their fragility; rather, because their parents look right through their needs to the demands of their siblings. According to the Sibling Leadership Network, an organization supporting siblings, “Glass children are healthy children who have brothers or sisters with special needs. They are typically emotionally neglected, experience severe pressure to be problem-free and perfect, take on parental responsibilities within the family at a young age, and have an overwhelming need to make others happy. All this while receiving little nurturing and support in their development years.””

https://www.integratedcarenews.com/2021/glass-children-the-overlooked-siblings-of-the-people-we-treat/

Oh I see, thank you that is interesting. I had though the glass part referred to the child with SEN, as a shorthand for their vulnerability.

I guess I wasn't a proper glass child though, because I did have a serious health condition myself.

Also, and her is why maybe I DO deserve a kick up the arse.

People who are like that glass child above, mention they have a big drive to make others happy.

I never did that. I think my parent was sometimes silently resentful that I would argue for my own needs instead of being easy and docile. So I was pretty self centred all along.

As a young teenager I had the self esteem to do this and then it's like adulthood hit, and I got embarrassed and started feeling like I was selfish and defective, and then just became depressed instead.

OP this is awful. And your parent's attitude absolutely appalling. Even if they didn't want to deal with the T1 diabetes, not having your own place to sleep is just really shit. My DD has T1. It's unrelenting, even now with tech to help manage it, and the mental load of constant calculations & decisions simply isn't appreciated by anyone outside the T1 world. You must not for a single second feel selfish! I just hope the parent you lived with was made of better stuff.

@Howtomakesense the behaviour you described as selfish just sounds like a healthy and perfectly reasonable level of assertiveness. But if you were made to feel ashamed or guilty about being assertive then it makes sense you view it negatively and also that you ended up feeling discouraged about doing it. You’re not selfish or defective in any way for wanting to have been cared for though.

Thank you, yes T1 diabetes can be really tough going at times. I hope your daughter is doing well.

This. They didn’t even meet your basic care needs. Horrible

Not having a bed I think was brushed off as ok because I had a room of my own at other parent's house.

The thing is - non resident parent moved away quite far about a two hour drive. So I could not really go there just for a day trip so I didn't go every weekend or anything. More for a week or so in school holidays.

Parent would travel down every fortnight and stay with their mum for a night to spend time with me instead of me going there.

I agree with User41 - nothing selfish about the behaviour you describe.

I'm sorry your parent wasn't there for you - the deathbed comment is pretty shitty tbh. I hope your resident parent did a better job!

Except it sounds like your sibling had a room at both houses. The room could easily have been designated as a shared room with 2 beds of some sort even if you weren't there often.

Except it sounds like your sibling had a room at both houses. The room could easily have been designated as a shared room with 2 beds of some sort even if you weren't there often.

Sorry I have not explained correctly, sibling was from parent's new marriage.

So they had 1 room, and I had 1 room at home, it's just when visiting NRP slept on couch cushions etc.

But sibling only had one room.

I wonder about this sometimes tbh. How do you know where the line is interms of what was reasonable expecting your parents to provide?

I find it very difficult because in some ways parent thought I was marvellous, but in other ways seemed a bit annoyed by me. It's really hard to know what was going on.

Sometimes I think they thought I was just going to be a really successful person and never really need anything from them, and I wasn't. I just got more and more unwell and disappointing!

I think as blended families have become more normal the importance of children having space in each home has become well know. If I were going to excuse your parents people didn’t really talk about such things years ago so this may have been ignorance rather than deliberate. It is pretty shitty though so you have every right to feel the way you do.

Oh no, I don’t think you do. That link explains some behaviours that appear, but not displaying every one don’t ‘disqualify’ you from being the ‘glass child’.

I had a friend who is no longer in contact with her parent or her disabled sibling, because she was totally overlooked in childhood and it was assumed that she would be a carer for her sibling when she reached adulthood. She has said far harsher things than you have here, and she’s totally entitled to both have her feelings, and to express them. The same goes for you.

there is a glass child subreddit that may interest you, where people post (and vent) about their experiences.

It kind of sounds like your NRP just wanted you to be successful so that they could focus instead on their new family. I find it likely that your feelings of being an inconvenience exist because that is how your NRP viewed your existence. Sometimes shitty parents will still do things like travel to see you so they can put a little tick in the box for the rest of society to see.

Sorry to say all of that, I don't mean to be cruel but it seems to happen so often. It sounds like you had a good sense even back then of the validity of your own needs, I hope you can still have that and stop feeling guilty.