Am I just crazy and selfish to feel this way?

[Howtomakesense]

I think maybe I am, and need a kick up the arse.

My non-resident parent, when I was growing up, at some point took our private health insurance for themselves and my new sibling. But not me.

My sibling has SEN and so I suppose they were worried there might be more medical needs. As it happens they are very physically healthy so I don't think it was needed much.

But as a small child I was diagnosed with diabetes, type 1 which is a lifelong condition. It never seemed to occur to my parent that it would be beneficial for me to have health insurance. For most insurance, they pay for pre existing conditions after 3 years or so.

I had a really difficult time as a young person when I left children's diabetes clinics and could not find an adult clinic due to waiting lists in my area, where it would have been useful to have access to private healthcare. I've had problems arising from diabetes over the years.

I never had a bed at my parent's house or anywhere to keep my things. I slept on couch cushions on the floor or then on an air bed in my sibling's room, which as a teenage girl was not ideal.

I was loved but feel like I was treated very much like someone who was not entitled to the same level of care as much as Sibling was, it is hard to explain really.

Parent has since passed and said when they were dying, that they just could not deal with my diabetes as well as everything else.

Am I being a selfish dick to feel I was a lower priority?

@Howtomakesense well wanting a bed was an entirely reasonable ask and absolutely should have been provided for you. Wanting the same health insurance as everyone else in your family, especially as you have a serious health condition of your own, again is entirely reasonable.

From the tone/content of your posts it doesn’t sound like you are someone who would have been in the habit of making outrageously unreasonable demands of your parents. But even if you did make the odd unreasonable request (which I’m not at all suggesting you have) that would also be totally okay and normal. Part of being a normal teenager is about testing boundaries with your parents. Again though I want to emphasise you what you have described is just someone asking for their basic needs to be met though. And that’s never selfish.

Yes but this is what I can't get my head round.

If I had been fortunate enough to be healthy, and then not struggled with mental health, then I probably would have done ok and not really been bothered by not being my parent's priority.

It's just that I had the misfortune of being ill which highlights needing more support, and it not being there.

In fairness I genuinely believe NRP wanted me to be happy and content and have a good life.

@Howtomakesense they were supposed to parent the child you were with the needs you had, not the child (or the adult they wanted you to become) they wished you were which is what they did. That's why they fucked up.

@User41 I don't recall wanting a bed though particularly at the time, so am I just now looking back at the past and looking for excuses to be disappointed in my parent?

At the time I was not concerned about the bed, I was reasonably cheerful about sleeping wherever.

It was more that I was unhappy at times about the whole wider situation.

Was it like that in the 90's though or is that a more recent approach?

Well they managed to parent your sibling for who they were and what they needed , so it's not necessarily a generational thing is it?

I think the bed thing is a stretch… you were there 7/365 days and they didn’t have an extra room. That sounds like simple logistics to me.

As for the health insurance… I guess I’d need more info. Why didn’t your mother get it for you?

At the end of the day you feel what you feel, but I think you hit the nail on the head with this statement.

”so am I just now looking back at the past and looking for excuses to be disappointed in my parent?

….

It was more that I was unhappy at times about the whole wider situation.”

Yes, they did.

I can't understand why I wasn't seen as 'worthy' in the same way.

I think you know you're not, really. Which is good as you have a sense of what's ok. You've had an awful time.

I think the bed thing is a stretch… you were there 7/365 days and they didn’t have an extra room. That sounds like simple logistics to me.

Yeah.

I don't know I am not entirely ok that they chose to move away somewhere I could not easily spend time there. But yeah you're right in that it was not practical to have a random bed set aside taking up space when I wasn't there.

Wow, I'm so sorry, that's awful.

I’m not sure you even can take out health insurance for dependents who don’t live with you. Surely it’d have been impossible for the NRP to take you to appointments anyway?

If you were only there a week or two a year and they didn’t have a spare room, then of course you didn’t have a bedroom. It sounds like the NRP still saw your regularly but thought it better that you didn’t have to travel.

It wasn’t perfect but most people’s childhoods aren’t and it doesn’t help to dwell over things you can’t change.

I'm not dwelling, I don't think.

Due to covid delays, we are finally getting round to having the memorial service and it is beingheld later this year. It's got me thinking about a lot of stuff.

I am not sure I want to go. I feel intensely stressed at the thoughts of going there, seeing step parent and sibling in that environment knowing they are sort of like the 'real' family. And I'm...what exactly? Surplus? It's embarrassing.

I feel like I want to protect myself and not go. But will I regret it?

I don't feel at ease but then don't know if I'll regret not going either.

I think there are two things here. First is being the first child: many first children are overlooked in favour of subsequent children, simply because they start becoming capable when their siblings are babies and toddlers. Sometimes that dynamic sticks. If the subsequent children are also needy because of health or other issues, this is exacerbated. The parent just can’t handle that many demands on his/her time or attention or stress levels, so they default to the one that needs the most.

Separately, is the issue of separated parents and the issues that throws up wrt a half-sibling. Try to imagine what life would have been like if your half sibling had been a full sibling. How would it have looked different?

I think you have a parent who had limitations, who just couldn’t cope with everything they took on. Nobody plans to have a child with diabetes or SEN, mostly people go into these things blithely. You can argue that you can control the relationships you enter into. You’re butting up against a parent who wasn’t enough for you. They loved you and meant well, but you needed more. That’s a shame, for you both.

Nobody plans to have a child with diabetes or SEN, mostly people go into these things blithely

Yes absolutely I agree with this.

You’re butting up against a parent who wasn’t enough for you. They loved you and meant well, but you needed more. That’s a shame, for you both.

The issue is though I feel ashamed and defective for needing more sometimes, and then resentful that I was a lower priority the rest of the time. I swing between the two.

I'm exhausted by it. I just want to not care anymore.

OP,

It sounds very hard.

7/365 is absolutely a tiny amount of time.

I simply don't believe decent good people move that far away from their child.

They wanted you to be well to tick a box for them rather than the reality of your life.

I think you need to focus on what is best for you, just like they did.

Unfortunately anger will only hurt you long term and I don't think they sound worth it.

Forgiveness will be good for you.
You deserve a good life.

Suit yourself regarding the memorial.

I think funerals can be useful to attend if it is helpful for you to say goodbye to someone whom you loved very much and you will be with others that you love too.

But if it is painful and will involve people you would rather avoid, then put yourself first.