To put my dd on a diet?

[Feckinlego]

Dd is 10. She is overweight. Not hugely, she has a 'spare tyre' and weight around her chest area. I've been working hard on not mentioning weight, dieting etc for the last couple of years. I'm terrified of her developing an eating disorder, far more than I'm worried about the physical effects of her being overweight. She is a bit of a fuss eater. She eats what she is given for the most part, but is always hungry and her snack of choice would be heavily carb loaded, or a lot of fruit. She loves clothes but is lately alluding to being 'fat' in certain things, or not looking right in certain styles of clothing. I've always said we don't use the word fat in the house, that beautiful bodies come in all shapes and sizes etc. But I'm now thinking maybe this isn't the right approach? Maybe I'm making it difficult for her to come to me to discuss it? I do try to foster healthy eating habits but I'm obviously doing something wrong.
Just to say she's quite active, does sports 4 times a week. But at home her activities of choice would be dools/drawing so not particularly active.
I'm at a loss how to handle this. The rest of her siblings are all very lean, as am I. So it's a new one on me. Not sure where to go from here. Any advice would be helpful.

I would just make sure there are healthy options, offer to get her a bike or skateboard, go swimming or ice skating at the weekend even horse riding if you can afford it. Frisbee or swing b all in the garden make it more about exercise than eating. As hpshe comes into puberty she might like to do something about it herself.

What is she eating over and above her siblings, or conversely what are her siblings doing in terms of physical activity that she is not? That's where you need to start.

I would slowly phase out / reduce the snacks (not completely, but focus on eating regular filling meals rather than snacking throughout the day).

Please don’t put her on a diet. They aren’t recommended for children. And even if they were, I’d assume that you’d be treating her differently to the rest of the family by doing so. She doesn’t deserve to be singled out.

And trust me, she will already be acutely aware that her body is bigger than those of her siblings.

The best thing you can do is to continue to affirm the fact that all bodies are different (and that there’s nothing wrong with that!). Don’t shy away from the word ‘fat’ - I’m not saying you should call her it or anything but by refusing to use it, it presents it as a bad thing when really it is just a descriptor. Give her the same food as the rest of you. Some kids are just bigger than others and that is normal.

We thought my eldest niece was on the "chubby side" recently .. Turns out she just needed the extra fat for a huge growing spout. Shr grew a couple of inches, and now she's like a rake!!

If she is eating okay then I wouldn't mention it, nor diet her. Just monitor it to ensure she isn't continuously gaining.

A few things occur to me;

Could she just be due a growth spurt which will thin her out?
If she doesn’t like the way she looks in some things is it worth pointing out that most
people can’t wear absolutely anything?
Have you discussed the kinds of body features that suit different activities? If she does sport how is that going?

I’m really glad you’re not pushing dietary restrictions at the moment; I was noticeably overweight by the age of about 6 and, although she had the best intentions, I was watched and kept to certain foods/amounts of food throughout large parts of my childhood which probably led to my being more secretive about eating and actually eating more than I w up oils have had I been allowed a free choice. In addition I spent years thinking there were all kind of avenues closed to me because I was overweight. I have made my peace with this niw and have the confidence not to care whay
people think but it has taken a lot of work and time.

I wish you and Dd well.

At that age they really do grow in fits and starts. I agree with the previous poster- my DD was a little bit bigger when she was in Y6. I thought it was possibly due to access to a shop on the way home from school for snacks! But when she hit Y7 she really stretched out so I wonder if she was just preparing for a growth spurt!

Thank you all. She eats what we eat but rarely finishes, she prefers to snack. I was always forced to finish my meals even when full so in trying to avoid, plus not food restrict, I think I've inadvertently given her the impression that she can snack as much as she likes.
She does football twice a week, plus gymnastics and swimming. We recently dropped horseriding as she was becoming scared. The weight has become an issue since lockdown so I don't think it's a growth spurt. I just don't understand where I'm going wrong!

My DD is very similar but unlike you I have struggled with weight since primary school. I ate because I was unhappy. My parents made comments that made it worse and I ate more to comfort myself.

My DD has hit puberty and is tall but still has a belly. She does have IBS type symptoms and starchy food seems to make her feel better. I have reduced snacks drastically but she will make herself big bowls of pasta or eat cereal (only buying weetabix and shredded wheat).

not sure how to address it without sounding critical but she already knows she doesn’t look like her friends.

My DD’s weight issue started in lock down as well. Mixture of anxiety and boredom I think. I was working at home so she wasn’t supervised all the time. Pre 2020 by DD was always tall and never tiny but she was slim.

I think I've inadvertently given her the impression that she can snack as much as she likes.

Thatll be part of the issue then. Cut the snacks and dont have the unhealthy options in the house.

Don't force her to finish her meals, but do start slowly withdrawing the snacks. She might be a bit hungry temporarily but unless it's hours until the next meal then I would ask her to wait for lunch / dinner.

Please don’t put her on a diet, just have healthy options in the house for all the kids (and hide the choccy in your bedroom for you when the kids are in bed haha)
My mother put me on endless diets as a child ultimately culminating in an eating disorder which I still struggle with now as an adult, I have a terrible relationship with food. I remember the comments she used to make about my body as a child, and they still sting.

Just start mentioning, ‘hang on, dinner is soon, grab an apple if you’re dying of starvation though’.

I'd withdraw snacks slowly or substitute for a healthier alternative.

Also encourage her to be more active at home - not just scheduled exercise but just moving more.

I’m a snacker and it drives my mum crazy, her catchphrase is “are you eating again?” but she doesn’t seem to realise that I eat the same amount as her over the day, I just spread it out into more sittings. She’d have porridge and toast for breakfast, and 2 pieces of fruit after her main course at lunch, whereas I’d have just porridge and then something mid morning and just a main course at lunch but the fruit in the afternoon. I have ibs and get bloated really easily and eating little and often suits me better. That said, it’s easy to snack on high sugar and carb foods so I’d check what’s she’s eating between meals and see if there’s any way to cut back on the calories. Could you use the cost of living as an excuse for “we need to stop snacking so much” as a family? Also, does she drink enough water? Dehydration can often manifest as hunger.

What is she snacking on and what is she eating at school or on the way home from school?

At ten she's almost definitely getting ready for a massive growth spurt, I wouldn't do anything for now

And what is she drinking? It's easy to drink 'empty' calories without even noticing.

Girls often do lay down fat in preparation for puberty. I’d just make sure she’s active and that snacking is healthy. Use a 3 meals 3 snacks as a guide. I wouldn’t restrict her food, you want to just avoid weight gain as she grows. Her body shape will change a lot and laying down fat / having a tummy at this age is normal. Are you sure that what you think is fat on her chest isn’t breast development?

If limiting snacks I’d have fruit and veg freely available and make the focus ‘you won’t be hungry for your meal’ rather than ‘that’s too much food’

When DS was chunky my strategy was to limit snacks (portion size, how many, & what) & to slightly reduce meal portion sizes.

Well you have to cut the food bill a bit due to cost of living, so there'll be fewer snacks bought, but there'll still be fruit, veg and little things available. Treat snacky bits as once they're gone, they're gone until next shopping day.

Have you weighed her, OP?
And yes to water as a pp suggested, rather than sugary drinks (again cite CoL) and it'll fill her up.

Please, please don’t put her on a diet, or make an issue of it. And please don’t weigh her. That’s how eating disorders start.

This website has some good information and Ellyn Satter also has a book which can help too. She recommends something called the ‘division of responsibility’..very basically it’s that the parents/guardians decide what food and the child decides how much. Obviously making sure that the food is actually liked by the child.

https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/

Definitely don’t put her on a diet or make a thing of it. I wouldn’t force meals but I’d cut back on snacks and cut out sugary drinks. If she doesn’t eat meals, she can have fruit but nothing else. For everyone in the family, not just her.