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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit upset nobody will spoil me for my 40th?

37 replies

ClemFandango1 · 01/05/2023 13:15

I know I'm being mopey, but I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Always assumed by the time I was 40 I'd have a partner to go somewhere special with, and money to do something special.

Instead I'm a single mum of two under 10s with no career.

I'd love to be taken away, have a massage booked for me, a birthday tea somewhere lovely, and to receive a replacement necklace (I lost a beloved pendant a couple of years ago and I miss it dreadfully).

I will go out with my parents!
But feeling a bit sad.

OP posts:
Ace56 · 01/05/2023 13:29

Can’t you have a nice birthday tea with your kids and parents? Save up and book yourself a massage for a few weeks/months time?

Mortimercat · 01/05/2023 13:32

I did have a partner when I turned 40 and also when I turned 50. I booked my own treats and honestly it didn’t spoil them at all. Book yourself a massage and celebrate with your family.

LotsOfBalloons · 01/05/2023 13:35

I think sometimes we overimagine what it is like for other people.

Ie I have a partner - great relationship but certainly no "spoiling " for my birthday. Just isn't how he thinks and didn't happen that way.

On the flip side I really wanted my parents to care and they didn't. A meal out with them for my birthday (that I didn't pay for) would have been my ideal and was never going to happen.

I now focus on making what I want to happen, happen. Buy that necklace yourself (and get it exactly right!) Arrange to meet up with friends somewhere you love.

Hbh17 · 01/05/2023 13:36

You have a family.
You have things planned.
Adult birthdays don't really merit any fuss.
There is no guarantee that any partner would "spoil you" (because most adults don't see the need to do so).
I'm afraid that I'm not getting it, tbh....

Testina · 01/05/2023 13:38

You miss a pendant you lost years ago, and yet you haven’t replaced it?! Do it!

Everyone should take steps to be their own “best friend” - learn to treat yourself well.
Then having a friend or partner or family is icing on the cake.

Fair enough to feel a little mopey for a bit, but remember to never be the one that makes your own life feel incomplete just because of the absence of a man.

There are so many things you could do that come from you. Why not ask your parents to book you a jewellery making workshop as a birthday present, and love a pendant because you made it yourself?

MatildaTheCat · 01/05/2023 13:40

Can you work towards replacing the lost necklace? Maybe your DP could chip in as a birthday present?

Big birthdays have a way of doing this to people. Looking at what you haven’t achieved rather than what you have? Let’s agree that having two children and parents who (seem to) love you is a great place to be. If you hope for more then have a think about how you could move towards that place?

Have a lovely celebration.

Clarentine · 01/05/2023 13:41

I know what you mean, OP. But MN hates adult birthdays, so you won't get any understanding on here.

It can't just be you and me who thinks like this, because I've had more than one person say to me in the past, "Happy birthday! I hope you get/got spoiled!" (Tense changes depending on whether it's just before, or after, my birthday). I won't be and tbh it makes me feel awful. But the person is being sincere, and just trying to be kind. It is tough though.

Stripycatz · 01/05/2023 13:42

Do it yourself, and start teaching your kids how to do it for you.
Tell them you have a big birthday coming up and are wondering how to celebrate; do they have any ideas? At age 10 they'll be all over it, and they'll be able to consider a budget too. You might end up at a trampoline park or staying up 'late' having dominos together, but you'll have fun celebrating your birthday.

Organise yourself a day or with friends too if you can to have lunch and go shopping to replace that necklace.

cestlavielife · 01/05/2023 13:43

You spoil yourself
Book the massage the cltea and buy the pendant
Be your best friend at 40

Stripycatz · 01/05/2023 13:43

Also, as a birthday gift to yourself, start working on your career. What do you want to do?

2bazookas · 01/05/2023 13:46

No friends?

LlynTegid · 01/05/2023 13:47

I don't do this 'big birthday' thing. It's something hyped up to try to get you to spend more money, along with things where applicable such as expensive hen/stag weekends, school proms, as examples.

Spending time with your parents and children is more important. There are many who have no or an estranged relationship with their parents, and many women at any age in a bad relationship or worse.

Scuttlingherbert · 01/05/2023 13:50

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.
I agree with @Clarentine

Landndialamrhf · 01/05/2023 13:50

Hm you are NU to feel sad but I think you’re looking at this too simplistically
when I turned 40 I had a huge fuss made of me, my different friends groups, siblings, parents and colleagues all took me out for dinner, cooked for me, or sent gifts and lovely messages, even just people inviting me round for a cuppa. I had a lovely few weeks catching up with lots of friends on different evenings and weekend days, even though I’m single I’d say I had a fuss made. Alternatively I have friends in marriages whose birthdays are largely ignored.
Take the time to decide how the next decade will look and start to change things to be how you want them, if they’re not there now.
and I hope you have a lovely birthday!!

Original poster
ClemFandango1 · 01/05/2023 13:52

I do have a lot to be grateful for! Good perspective.

I haven't replaced the pendant because it's solid gold with a fair size gemstone in the middle and I am on UC. I wore it 24 hours a day for more than a decade, then it fell off one night and I haven't been able to find it at all :( I hope it'll come back to me someday.

Career wise - yes! Definitely changes to work towards, but I lost most confidence in myself academically. I'd love to do physio. I do feel ready to move towards good things now.

I will book myself a massage.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 01/05/2023 13:53

Aw! I get it. Just do something to treat yourself and onwards and upwards. By your next big birthday hopefully your children will be old enough to make a bit of ta fuss of you and you may have a partner to who the same.

Families have different cultures I my mum and now I make a fuss of birthdays and Christmas, some people don’t. I love making someone’s day special and I’m lucky that DH2 feels the same. DH1 wasn’t like that but he came from a family that did very little so I did understand.

Happy Birthday!

electriclight · 01/05/2023 14:08

I get it too op. It would be nice to have someone look after you for a change, to have someone else do the planning. It's also nice to know that you matter to someone other than your own children. I feel like that often but big events really bring it home. But I don't think there's an answer really other than doing it yourself and making sure you celebrate your birthday well. It is sad about the pendant if you can't afford to replace it but you deserve a massage and a special birthday.

PinkFootstool · 01/05/2023 14:13

I'm married. My 40th was in the 2021 lockdowns. Not even a damn cake was provided by DH. I couldn't see friends or even the neighbours.

His 40th was in the first 2020 lockdown and he was stuck on board his ship. He was alongside in Plymouth. I pushed the boundaries of essential travel by meeting him at the gate of the naval base with a bag of gifts, a cake and cards which I had to put down and walk away from, and he gave me his washing 😂. We were watched by the armed guards to make sure we didn't touch or come within 2m. I hadn't seen him for months at this point.

Honestly, a 40th birthday is overrated. Treat yourself. No one else knows quite what you want!

And always buy your own jewellery if you want it - if I hung around waiting for it, I'd have nothing. Same with flowers!

burnoutbabe · 01/05/2023 14:23

I can't imagine many partners actually do spoil their other half on birthdays in the specific way the female wants. Unless they are 2 women in a relationship.

So that's one option for the future?

Flowersun6 · 01/05/2023 14:26

cestlavielife · 01/05/2023 13:43

You spoil yourself
Book the massage the cltea and buy the pendant
Be your best friend at 40

Exactly this. Nice dinner with your kids.

FarmGirl78 · 01/05/2023 14:26

cestlavielife · 01/05/2023 13:43

You spoil yourself
Book the massage the cltea and buy the pendant
Be your best friend at 40

This! Leave the kids with GPs and swan off to a city to explore and find yourself a nice fat wedge of posh cake in a little independent coffee shop. Or book yourself into a spa and take that book you've been meaning to read. Or book into one of those Luxe cinemas with the reclining leather armchairs to watch the latest blockbuster. Or just sit in Wetherspoons all day getting gradually more trollied on red wine and snog a random. Its your day, do whatever you fancy and enjoy it.

Lasouthpaw · 01/05/2023 14:28

I understand. Big birthdays can be a marker for where you are in life and can make you look at things you don't 'have' or haven't achieved.

Im not going to give advice as to what to do on your birthday as what works for one, might not for another.

But i will say, nothing ever stays the same, this truism has helped me through many a low moment!

Hope you have a lovely birthday.

FarmGirl78 · 01/05/2023 14:31

I've been single for my 21st, 30th snd 40th. Having someone to spoil me is so far removed from my life or doesn't even register as something to miss. I make sure I spoil myself and if someone else like a parent or friend does, then that's just a bonus.

19lottie82 · 01/05/2023 14:31

You’re blessed to have both your parents at 40, I lost my Mum when I was 35. I would much rather have her back that a fancy day out.

I don’t mean to sound patronising but just reassess everything you do have in life, apart from the things you don’t.

pS buy yourself a fancy present! X

PearlOnion · 01/05/2023 14:32

On my 40th my kids were a bit older (12 and 11) but I booked an afternoon tea, took loads of photos and did a special day out. I made a photo book afterwards and I still treasure it today.

I was 50 last week and they both live away but at the end of May, we are doing a similar thing. We're going to an exhibition and having a special meal.

I will probably treasure those moments more than anything else! Spoil yourself definitely!