To expect DH to step up?

[Simplelife2021]

Hi all, new here but looking for points of view from other people to perhaps get some perspective. I apologise for the long post in advance!

quick backstory - I fell really ill in 2021 after my first Covid vaccine, which triggered a rare, incurable immune disorder where my immune system attacks my small blood vessels causing my internal organs to bleed out. Cue several weeks in hospital and several months off work. I have to take a concoction of meds every day including chemo tablets, steroids, antibiotics etc etc just to keep me ticking over otherwise my life expectancy is 6 months to a year.

I have one daughter, aged 12 and my DH who works away all week. I work 4 full days a week in a law firm in a very busy and demanding role. Recently my treatment plan has had to be stepped up so now every 6 months I have another treatment like chemo which involves a day in hospital and a 6 hour IV infusion, two treatments in two weeks every 6 months. I knocks me for six for about 6 weeks and makes me feel really nauseous, weak and no appetite. It’s a tough few weeks with trying to run the house, look after my DD, DH is away, dog needs walking, and I try and WFH between treatments with just a week off after each one.

Recently I have been very down because I get no help from family (who all live about an hours’ drive away) and understandably all my friends are busy with their own lives and kids so I don’t like to ask too much. I feel really unwell most of the time, honestly every day seems like a massive uphill struggle, I’m not allowed to drink, I have no immune system so even catching a cold from someone can make me really unwell so I don’t go out much.

When I have treatment I need extra help around the house. I had treatment again a few weeks ago so I’m feeling a bit rubbish again at the mo, so I have asked my DD to do simple things like make her own lunchbox for school every day and be responsible for tidying her room or putting her washing in the wash basket (instead of me hunt around the house for dirty school uniform!) and sometimes unload the dishwasher. I have asked my DH to help out a bit more around the house for a while until I start to feel better. Last weekend I asked if he could run the hoover round the house before he went away again on Monday so it was one less thing for me to do that week.

Suffice to say the hoovering didn’t get done and it is sporadic weather lunchboxes are done. I feel like I’m constantly beating my head against a brick wall to get them to step up and do some small things to help out. Instead of losing my sh*t with them I have tried to talk to them about how I feel physically so that they understand, but they say all the right things and then just do nothing. I admit I have been grumpy over the last few weeks because I feel so unwell but I’m slogging on with everything and it just feels so hard, but I royally lost it with them both yesterday after a day of pre-teen stinking attitude and DH just doing his own thing, and I ended up screaming at them both.

Now my DH tell me that it’s hard to ‘live up to my expectations’ and I’m not a very nice person to live with.

I’m super upset now, just feeling like I want to cry all the time. Part of me thinks he is a selfish git who just wants to have his cake and eat it, but part of me thinks I should be doing more to try to get him to understand the physical and mental load of my daily life, which he never sees because he works away Monday to Friday and then he might be more willing to help, but I just honestly don’t know how to do that.

I guess I’m just looking for the point of view of other people for what to do, whether I’m being totally unreasonable or what. 🤷‍♀️

You are very much not unreasonable. The things you've asked your daughter and husband to do are things they should be doing anyway!

I'm sorry you're so unwell, it sounds tough.

Is there an option to buy in help, eg, dog walker? Cleaner - could be fortnightly, doesn't have to be weekly?

Even without your health issues your DH (and daughter) should be stepping up!
Yes he works away during the week so can’t do much then, but at the weekend he is at home so should be doing his fair share of housework and parenting. If you were healthy that would be 50% but as you’re not it should be considerably more, especially as you’re doing it all alone Mon-Fri.
Saying it’s “hard to live up to your expectations” is bollocks - the bar is practically on the floor! They live there too, keeping the house in order is also their responsibility.

I may be wrong, but I bet when he doesn’t do his fair share you end up (more) exhausted by doing it yourself, and the same chasing round after your daughter. What would happen if you just… didn’t? If you just let the hoovering go undone, the lunches go unmade, the laundry that’s not in the machine go unwashed? How long would it take for them to realise that actually they are more than capable of doing a few household chores to make everybody’s life easier? I think it’s time to find out!

YANBU. They need to step up and are lucky that you are still able to even function. It must be very hard for you and you must feel very let down.

As PP has said, I think you need to buy in services like cleaning, someone to fill the freezer with meals etc. and DH should be paying his share for this.

As for a 12 year old, if they don’t make their lunch, don’t do it yourself and they’ll soon learn. They can bake and put things in the freezer, and put together a sandwich, some fruit etc.

I'm really sorry OP that sounds so hard. Can your DC have school dinners? Then it's a choice of pack your own or school dinner.

Definitely yes to a cleaner and dog walker. Has your husband engaged with how your life has changed and what a devastating blow you've had to your health?

Would DC be motivated by earning extra cash for doing particular jobs round the house?

I'd tell him straight that his selfishness will end you up in a premature and early deathbed and if he can't step up he needs to pay for a cleaner out of his own pocket.

First of all, stop pitching it as ‘helping’. From what you’ve written here, you’re not asking for help. You’re asking them to do perfectly reasonable tasks that need doing for their benefit as well as yours. They’re not ‘helping’; they’re making their lunches or cleaning their home.

is it time for a family meeting? “These are the jobs that need doing: which ones are you doing? When?”

They should be doing their share. It's not "helping". Your DH needs to recognise that he's not working 24 hours a day during the week (unless he is - seems unlikely) so he presumably gets plenty of downtime then. You don't as you spend a lot of your "free time" either on housework or hospital visits. You need some at the weekend, & he needs to take over, and you need to spend some quality time together as a family. Organisation needed.

They can do their own laundry sometimes - 12 is not too young to start learning how - and your DD should definitely be sorting her own lunches. If you do do the laundry, only do what's in the basket, don't go hunting for it. Maybe do a weekly jobs list for her & put it somewhere prominent, on the fridge perhaps? Or increase her pocket money for housework jobs done (or threaten to dock it if you feel she already gets plenty & is taking the piss with her attitude or whatever.)

TBH you'll be doing her a favour in the long run anyway - so many kids now grow up with no idea how to do basic cooking, do any housework, run a washing machine etc.

I'm also wondering how much annual leave you have to use for your hospital visits. My employer wouldn't have allowed me to take sick leave for something like this (I'm also chronically ill) as their attitude was that you can't plan in advance to be off sick, so it had to be annual leave or unpaid leave. It was the same for people with cancer, long term conditions, whatever. I suspect your DH probably gets to use all of his annual leave for more enjoyable things.

Am I the only one who would expect my husband to look for a new job that didn’t involve travel?? Is that not possible op? As I’d 10000% expect that, so he could be home every night to help out. Suggest you move out to a hotel for your next week or recovery and he can take leave and stay home with his dd and do the house load.

Stop doing their laundry and lunches etc at all ever just hand it over to them.

Handover the mental load and everything else for insurance/cars/finances etc.

Be blunt - well I may die or be too ill to do this soon so you need to learn.

If finances allow it get a cleaner in twice a week.

Your DH is being lazy and selfish and DD is following his lead.

I bought this magnetic whiteboard thing for the fridge recently. It's pretty good. The pens are too although I saw some comments that they dry up if you store them nib upwards, so I stick them to the fridge nib down which seems to be working so far. I put the weekly meal plan on it, shopping list, & what jobs need doing each day. DH, DD & I each have a colour for our jobs etc.

What on earth is the pount of this utter loser?

You poor woman.

Stop doing anything at all for him.
Get a cleaner.
Your daughter needs to help herself.
Buy simple means to cook.

What is the point of remaining married at this point.

What an utter loser.

I am so sorry.

Chemo is the devil's medicine, so sorry you are going through this OP 💐
Taking the illness out of the equation though... why do you see it as them helping? Is it not their house too? Also, it's all very well asking your DD to step up but she's seeing her father do fuck all, why should she? That's what you need to concentrate on. You seem to be of the understanding that the house is your domain. Why is that? He needs to step up massively, does he not see what you are going through? Does he empathise AT ALL? When I have a cold I'm banished to the sofa or bed and everythings taken care of. I feel like a dick writing that but it is how it should be. I hope you are as well as you can be OP, you deserve to be taken care of.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this, it sounds really tough.

I would definitely buy in help like a weekly cleaner. I would also expect DH to do all laundry at the weekend as a bare minimum. Also shopping, meal planning and anything else you can hand over to him.

Your DD should be doing more and it will do her good in the long run!

I have an 11yo DS and he does his own packed lunch every day and makes his own lunch if he is at home. He also puts all his washing in the basket as otherwise it doesn't get done, he puts his clean laundry away, and alternates a week of emptying the dishwasher and a week of gathering and sorting recycling and emptying bins (not kitchen bin).

On the rare occasion he complains I like to give an extended lecture on us working as a team and offering to swap tasks with him, so far he has chosen not to do toilet cleaning!

If he refused to do his jobs I would ban him from any gaming but luckily he never has.

I think you need to stop doing things for them and conserve your energy. I am sure your daughter would prefer to learn basic household tasks rather than you die sooner than you need to due to exhaustion!

Your DH sounds like an arse.

Can you make it explicitly clear to him how hard it is for you and exactly what you need him to do? And the consequences of you being exhausted? You shouldn't have to but I think I have previously expected my DH to understand the impact of health issues but hadn't actually spelt it out to him.

What’s the point of your husband? On the rare occasions he’s in your house he is a burden. A solicitor can start the divorce process for you, your pointless bloke can parent his kid 50/50, or source childcare for his time.

Don’t teach your daughter that women should beg males to ‘help’ perform their basic household duties. Men should be functioning equally, off their own initiative, in all aspects of daily life.

that sounds really tough OP, I’m sorry to hear you’re so unwell.

what are the consequences of your DD not making her own lunch/not putting her washing in the basket. The only way I drove it home with mine is that the consequences were no lunch/no clean clothes. It worked surprisingly quickly.

your DH is more tricky, because he’s an adult, and because he gets to swan off away for the week and not deal with the consequences of the dirty home he refuses to help keep clean. I suppose your only course of action with his lazy disrespectful uncaring arse is to LTB, and him being a lazy uncaring disrespectful arse increases the likelihood of you wanting to do that at some point. Maybe you should tell him that.

Your DH should be looking for a job near home, I can't believe his attitude. To be honest, I think I'd just divorce him, he sounds a total fucking arsehole and I couldn't look at him the same way any more.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Unmumsnetty hugs . I have similar but due to covid not the vaccine- mine is a form of vasculitis that attacks large blood vessels and arteries. Cyclophosphamide and chemo tablets can make you feel really rough. Your dh needs to step up and do most if not everything whilst you're ill. I think I was lucky in that mine and children will take direction and do things when asked (2 children are adults though) they won't notice anything that needs doing but will if prompted. Can you afford a cleaner to ease some of the pressure? If not DH shouldn't be 'helping' he should be doing everything that you don't feel up to, with your daughter helping. For example I can put washing in but don't have the energy to hang it out, this is definitely something your daughter could do.

Thank you every one for your kind words, it’s given me a bit of a boost today that I’m not being difficult or ‘needy’. DH is self employed and the main wage earner so has to go where the work is, which is, and has always been, away from home. I’m used to it, but now the weekends are hard too because I can’t as much as I used to so I get tired really quickly, especially on the back of a hard working week.

It’s been really interesting reading how the dynamics in your family work, I’m no ‘doormat’ wife but I think I’ve unconsciously fallen into the trap over the years of just getting on and doing everything for everyone and not complaining about it, because after all if you’re on your own most of the time what’s the point in complaining? 😁

I think I need to kick some arses into action - I just feel massively better for reading your replies and knowing it’s a perfectly normal ask and not just my ‘high expectations’! 🤦‍♀️

So to start with I’ve spent the whole day in my garden in the sunshine, ignoring the fact that the washing needs to go out on the line and the hoovering needs to be done and the chicken for tonight’s roast is still in the fridge - beans on toast it is then 😆 love to you all xx

Good for you! Consequences generally work. My oh just asked me what's the dinner plan. I asked him why is it down to me to make a plan? The food came yesterday gave a look. I can hear pits and pans clanking!

He is a cruel and terrible person. YANBU.

Sorry you are having such a hard time it must be awful feeling so unwell and still working.You need to make your life as easy as possible great you have had a day in the garden.Can you afford a cleaner if DH doesn’t want to do anything in the house.Tell him this needs to happen now also is there anyone who can walk the dog to relieve you.Can your daughter do this for extra pocket money?Simple meals.Your daughter needs to step up,show her how the washing machine works,put clean bedding on.School lunches if she doesn’t want to make a packed lunch.Step back and let them see what happens when you stop doing everything.Good luck you are a wonderful person.

You should try and claim PIP and use this money to help you. Are you going to get any compensation from the pharma company?

You are not being unreasonable. Clearly two things have to happen here:

1. most importantly DH needs to rethink his work so that he's closer to home. I'm amazed he hasn't done this already as a priority. What does he say about this?
2. I think probably you need to accept that you should be working less. Have you looked into what benefits/support you'd be entitled to? This might not be means tested - your illness very likely qualifies you for disability support.

Are you claiming PIP - that would help to cover the cost of a cleaner etc, which may in then help your fatigue?

In the short term - book yourself into a hotel somewhere alone for respite