DPs eating habits

[iabvvu]

Not really an AIBU, more of a WWYD but wasn't sure what topic this would come under, apologies!

DP has had issues with food for a long time - he lost a lot of weight before we got together which I later found out was due to bulimia. He has slowly gained much of the weight back over the 5 years we've been together. His eating habits have descended into essentially constant binge eating - for example today he ordered about 6 McMuffin meals and has been eating them throughout the day, he's been out for dinner this evening and now he's talking about getting another takeaway tonight (we went out for dinner last night too) - this isn't unusual, he gets multiple takeaways in the week. The issue is most definitely not the weight gain, I couldn't care less what he looks like and I've gained a bit of weight myself (as most of us do when we get into a happy relationship!). Money is a slight issue just because I think it's a huge waste but we have our own money once bills and mortgage are paid so it's his to spend on whatever he likes. My concern is his health - I imagine a diet as poor as this is having a significant impact on his health and I obviously don't want him to die any time soon! He exercises a lot but is still obese in terms of bmi and obviously can't completely compensate for the diet.

He is highly sensitive about this (for obvious reasons) so it's very very hard to address it with him. I try to do it in the most sensitive way possible and have explained that I don't care what size he is, I just want him to live a long healthy life - but he still says he feels I am shaming him. Food is a massive source of shame for him in general, he hates eating in front of other people etc. I'm at a loss as to how to address this with him - I think he probably needs some specialised counselling and would happily help pay for it but this has been instantly shut down in the past. There's also no one else who could talk to him about it, he'd be mortified. Is there anything I can do? He definitely wants to change but I think it's just gone so far he really feels like he can't fix it and wont let me help.

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be much appreciated!

There are links to support groups lower down the page, they may be able to offer you advice, I imagine the GP would focus on weight and weight loss and wouldn’t really have any real advice for him, even if you could get him there.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/binge-eating-disorder/treatment/

There’s little you can do.

My DH has steadily put on weight over the last few years.
He does almost no exercise.
Drives to work, sedentary job and then evenings are spent horizontal on the sofa.
He has 2 cooked meals a day plus breakfast and he snacks constantly.
Has a bowl of sugary cereal before bed, toast with sweet spreads in between, takeaways on the way home from work, secretly eats in the car……..

I cook healthy meals and encourage him to come out and be active with me. That’s all I/you can do.
He carries all his weight round his middle and has no interest really in his health or appearance……..

Give him a choice.

To start talking to you or the therapist

He obviously needs help. And by avoiding the dialogue you are making his problems worse. Boulimia is complex and about so much more than eating and then throwing up.

Btw :"I've gained a bit of weight myself (as most of us do when we get into a happy relationship!)"
No op. People gain weight because they let them selves go. They have secured the man/woman. And then seem to think that effort into looking their best is no longer a necessity, as they are in a committed "happy" relationship.

Ive been there too. Its not good. Nor healthy.

Please get your dh help.
You say he wants to change. But obviously he is not strong enough to make that first step. You need to help facilitate that and stop enabling his habits.

For both your health and happiness

If you don't have children together I'd consider ending the relationship

He doesn't have 'eating habits' as per your OP he has an eating disorder which is a mental illness so I'd start moving towards suggesting therapy / counselling

You don't believe in bulimia?? WTF?

Why not? It's well documented and has been a thing forever if not actually recognised (a school friend suffered from it and that was 30 years ago).

How can you not believe in something you clearly don't understand?

Ignore this. Kenyan has been a goady fucker all over the place in the last few hours!

The fortunately the BMJ is run by qualified medical professionals and not opinionated arseholes from the internet.

Op if you tackle this too head on you will make him hide it from you. He needs professional help wether he wants to admit it or not.

Food disorders are usually about control on the base line for forcing him into anything will make the problem worse.

Not just the last few hours 😂 He's always like that.

I sort of see where you're coming from but that would feel very callous of me - it's an illness rather than a personality flaw. He's wonderful in every other way and hasn't chosen this

Hilarious. Bulimia isn't a faith position, you can't just not believe in it. Nice try, though

Oh, I thought he had gone. Just NC slightly then

Bless you, you sound so lovely. I was probably a bit hasty in posting to end the relationship, I think I meant if they refuse to get help / get it sorted. Eating disorders follow a similar pattern and behaviour structure to addictions and that was where my logic was.

Ignore the idiot too. Doesn't believe in bulimia what an idiot.

Hope it gets sorted.

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice. I think @SomePosters hit the nail on the head. I don't want to be too forceful with this and make things worse. I'm a psychiatrist myself (albeit not in eating disorders; and not impartial) so completely understand the damage that could be done if I try to tackle this in the wrong way. He definitely needs professional help which I think he knows but it's going to be a challenge to get him to actually start the ball rolling.
It's become so taboo in our house that I feel immensely guilty for even writing this post

It's not uncommon for people with a history of bulimia to recover partially in that they are able to stop purging, but the urge to binge is still present. Food isn't like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc, you can't just quit cold turkey, the temptation is always there. It's almost easier to recover from anorexia in this way, as the addiction is the food, not the lack of food.

And yes, it's also common for people recovering from ED to gain weight. Comes from having screwed up your metabolism, it can take an extraordinarily long time to resolve, & then of course losing the excess weight is triggering.

I'm not sure if this is your view. But from your posts it sounds like you're more bothered about the impact of being fat on his physical health. Rather than the much more immediate issue of his binge eating disorder. Which sounds very active and part of a pattern of behaviour long term.

For some people with eating disorders being at a normal bmi and the work needed to lose or gain weight is too triggering and way more damaging than being a high or low bmi. So it might just be that he try to treat and manage the eating disorder.

Yes absolutely. Unfortunately he still purges every now and then but is highly secretive about this - he knows I know, but again won't discuss it. He says he doesn't need to talk about it, he'll just stop but people can't just overcome these deeply ingrained habits by themselves
I think this thread has been the kick up the arse I needed to take some actual meaningful steps to help him rather than just tiptoeing around it

It’s not wrong of you to seek support.

In the same way partners of addicts or people with long term depression also need specialist support, you are impacted by this and you are entitled to reach out for help in ways that don’t hinder or shame him.

You sound like a very loving and considerate partner

Bulimia isn't a 'concept'. It's an eating disorder and serious mental health condition. People don't 'feel' that other have this condition. It's diagnosed by qualified healthcare professionals. You can clearly read so try educating yourself.

He needs to seek a therapist. He needs to tackle whatever emotions are making him binge.

It's very hard though. A long expensive road with godlike willpower. I know from experience.

And yes. Partners mentioning food in any way can feel like shame.

I'd snap at my DP because he'd ask what I was eating when he saw me chewing. In my head he was commenting on me eating once again and pointing it out and making it a thing that I ate So Much to him.

He was just naturally curious about what I was eating and if maybe he wanted the same. But to a sick mind it felt embarrassing and humiliating.

I'd suggest that you ask him to see a therapist about it. But I wouldn't otherwise comment on any food at all's

If he won't go to therapy there's nothing you can do.

The change for an ED HAS to come from within. Otherwise he'll just try and hide it better. Even with a sufferer wanting 100% to stop it's very very hard.