DPs eating habits

[iabvvu]

Not really an AIBU, more of a WWYD but wasn't sure what topic this would come under, apologies!

DP has had issues with food for a long time - he lost a lot of weight before we got together which I later found out was due to bulimia. He has slowly gained much of the weight back over the 5 years we've been together. His eating habits have descended into essentially constant binge eating - for example today he ordered about 6 McMuffin meals and has been eating them throughout the day, he's been out for dinner this evening and now he's talking about getting another takeaway tonight (we went out for dinner last night too) - this isn't unusual, he gets multiple takeaways in the week. The issue is most definitely not the weight gain, I couldn't care less what he looks like and I've gained a bit of weight myself (as most of us do when we get into a happy relationship!). Money is a slight issue just because I think it's a huge waste but we have our own money once bills and mortgage are paid so it's his to spend on whatever he likes. My concern is his health - I imagine a diet as poor as this is having a significant impact on his health and I obviously don't want him to die any time soon! He exercises a lot but is still obese in terms of bmi and obviously can't completely compensate for the diet.

He is highly sensitive about this (for obvious reasons) so it's very very hard to address it with him. I try to do it in the most sensitive way possible and have explained that I don't care what size he is, I just want him to live a long healthy life - but he still says he feels I am shaming him. Food is a massive source of shame for him in general, he hates eating in front of other people etc. I'm at a loss as to how to address this with him - I think he probably needs some specialised counselling and would happily help pay for it but this has been instantly shut down in the past. There's also no one else who could talk to him about it, he'd be mortified. Is there anything I can do? He definitely wants to change but I think it's just gone so far he really feels like he can't fix it and wont let me help.

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be much appreciated!

He is actively destroying his health - that has a huge impact on you and your future. It's completely and utterly reasonable for you to be concerned about this. If he has a heart attack/ stroke, or ends up in a wheelchair because he can't move or gets diabetes, where does that leave you?

It's selfish for him to do this to his body when he is in a committed relationship with someone who relies on him. I know he may have an eating disorder, and that is an illness and something he needs help with - but it is in his control to recognise it and make efforts to do something about it. He is not even acknowledging it at the moment, which would make me extremely cross.

You've tried skirting around it with him and being gentle. I think now you need to be more direct. It's sad that he feels shame, but at this point, there's nothing you can do about that. It's not your job to protect him from his own feelings of guilt/ shame. Maybe he needs to feel them. You need to protect yourself and the future of your relationship.

I think you should have a very direct conversation with him about the impact that this is having on your life and stop worrying so much about protecting him from his feelings. Prioritise your own life and your own feelings - they're just as important.

I have a directly opposing view to this. Your dh knows op. He knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t need to be told. Just continue to show him unconditional love and boost his self esteem and then he will be in a better place to tackle the issue when and if he decides to do so.

You are also in a position op where you are entitled to respond to his behaviour freely and put your own boundaries in place. But they will be about what you are willing to accept based on your past and current experience with him, and totally separate to his decisions.

I see you're also a psychiatrist. I'll open up here and tell you what has helped me so far from my therapist dealing with my bulimia:

1. processing childhood trauma around food and eating and weight and bodies. Talking through it, crying, reframing the parental voice that causes shame around food and fatness.

2. getting new lilypads - I would binge when alone with no plans. When DP was out and my friends were busy. It felt like a fun 'event' to fill the time. I had to create new survival 'Lilypads' to have things to do to enjoy outside of food. For me, these included some fun exercise classes, books and long walks, buying expensive high quality smaller amounts of food to enjoy rather than large amounts of bulk crap for the same cost.

3. learning that you don't have to finish the plate. Finding my full point where I was satisfied but didn't feel so full I wanted to purge. For me, I hated not being able to eat all the food. So now, I eat until my happy full point then put the food in the fridge. I can always have it later.

4. this is the one I still struggle with. Letting go. I had to accept that in recovery I might gain weight. This is hard. I hate this. It scares me and it did happen. My therapist said that I could put a time limit on it to make it feel more controlled. So for 6 weeks I focused on not purging. That's it. Eat what I want. Gain weight if I do. Don't throw up. Accept it. Then after I've kicked the habit try small changes to lose weight that don't trigger purging.

5. discovering what drives the issue. What is his emotional hunger for?

It's incredibly difficult. I'm still not fully there. I've been seeing the therapist since December though and have gone from purging multiple times a day to maybe once a week.

It's a process. He has to want it. He has to learn to love himself.

@Safarigiraffe having an eating disorder is not selfish. Sufferers do not 'need to feel' shame and guilt and fear. What an awful point of view.

They need LOVE and kindness and forgiveness and respect in order to build these back up within themselves.

Your suggestion is like telling someone suicidal that they 'need' to feel the urge to die...