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Original poster

To not know what to do? Husband's friend, possible affair.

46 replies

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:00

I go to a gym that isn't the closest to home but it's convenient for me for work. This morning I swam and when I was in the jacuzzi one of my husband's pub friends walked past with a woman I didn't recognise - he is married and this isn't his wife. He had his hand on her back and was guiding her. I didn't know he's a member there, never seen him there before but I don't suppose that's unusual.

Later I was in the sauna and he opened the door and held it for her to come in and again put his hand on her to sort of guide her in. He spotted me and quickly looked away and said to her 'I'm going for a swim actually. I'll meet you out the front'. She seemed a bit puzzled but stayed for a few minutes.

By the time I got home he'd WhatsApped my husband to ask if he knew a physio - he said his training partner had pushed him too hard at the gym this morning and he'd injured his shoulder. They have never texted each other individually, and my husband wouldn't be anyone's 'go to' for sports physio advice. They're just both part of the same group of middle aged men who sometimes meet in the pub. My husband didn't know he was training for anything, and didn't know he was a member of a gym.

I used to sort of know this man's wife years ago but just to say hello to when our kids were in primary school. We live in the same village. I can't just contact his wife (or him) and ask what's the deal with the 'training partner', can I?

I have to keep my nose out, right? I don't have enough evidence to speak up, I could cause a lot of unnecessary damage based on nothing but a brief observation and an out of the ordinary text message. It was such an unusual series of events though that I'm convinced that something is going on and he's building a cover story (and I'm not generally an imaginative person, definitely not a fantasist type).

OP posts:
Franticbutterfly · 30/04/2023 21:02

Don't say anything, it'll be more trouble than it's worth.

Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:04

Franticbutterfly · 30/04/2023 21:02

Don't say anything, it'll be more trouble than it's worth.

This is my instinct. I'm not the Morals Police, and it's not impossible for there to be an innocent explanation.

OP posts:
Girlboss1989 · 30/04/2023 21:10

You definitely have to say something, imagine if it were your husband who was visiting a sauna with his hands on another woman's back. You'd be complicit to keep it to yourself. The worst that happens is they think you're a little nosey, but if you're right you save this poor woman from an unfaithful partner.

I know if my hubby were sneaking around behind my back, I'd want someone to tell me.

Indoorcatmum · 30/04/2023 21:12

I would want someone to tell me and his actions (especially testing your DH) make him look guilty as heck.

I would think very poorly of you if you were my friend and decided not to tell some poor woman about her husband.

If it's nothing, it's nothing... But to me it definitely looks like something.

Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:18

I know, I know, I know. This is what's making me feel so anxious about it. If it was my husband spotted and nobody told me, I'd be furious.

I hate knowing things I shouldn't. I'm genuinely concerned, not excited by the gossip.

OP posts:
Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:22

And I suppose my instinct to keep quiet is because I don't want to cause anyone's unhappiness. I'm being a wimp.

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 30/04/2023 21:26

On the fence with this one

I think you should tell your DH and decide how to proceed. It seems shady AF but not a dead cert - and if there is a plausible explanation: once trust has gone it’s gone

Popetthetreehugger · 30/04/2023 21:30

Have you told your husband? I’d like to be a fly on the wall in the pub next week . Maybe the guy will go all out and turn up with his arm in a sling ! Cheating creep . You don’t have enough to tell wife , but I’d make sure you have to drop something to your husband next time he’s with cheat , just to make him squirm. Saying, I’m so sorry that you and wife have split , but your girlfriend looks lovely! Big smile and leave .

PieMashLiquor · 30/04/2023 21:32

I think you don't know anything so shouldn't say anything

ilovesooty · 30/04/2023 21:34

You don't know anything and I think you should keep out of it.

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 21:36

Girlboss1989 · 30/04/2023 21:10

You definitely have to say something, imagine if it were your husband who was visiting a sauna with his hands on another woman's back. You'd be complicit to keep it to yourself. The worst that happens is they think you're a little nosey, but if you're right you save this poor woman from an unfaithful partner.

I know if my hubby were sneaking around behind my back, I'd want someone to tell me.

Bloody hell. “His hands on a woman’s back” 😂. Sadly I have blokes do that to me quite often, I’m happily married and wouldn’t shag one of them. Unclench.

op, you don’t know anything, stop leaping to conclusions and thinking of getting uo in some one’s marriage , you’re no miss marple.

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 21:36

Popetthetreehugger · 30/04/2023 21:30

Have you told your husband? I’d like to be a fly on the wall in the pub next week . Maybe the guy will go all out and turn up with his arm in a sling ! Cheating creep . You don’t have enough to tell wife , but I’d make sure you have to drop something to your husband next time he’s with cheat , just to make him squirm. Saying, I’m so sorry that you and wife have split , but your girlfriend looks lovely! Big smile and leave .

And look like an utter twat. 😂

PermanentTemporary · 30/04/2023 21:37

I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't be surprised if you are right, but the evidence is absolutely minimal and I think he'd be able to argue his way out of it. Tbh if you told me I might well just think you were a troublemaker. I couldn't possibly be angry with anyone who didn't bring me such a tiny bit of info.

Frankly, if he's this careless he'll get found out one day.

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 21:37

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:18

I know, I know, I know. This is what's making me feel so anxious about it. If it was my husband spotted and nobody told me, I'd be furious.

I hate knowing things I shouldn't. I'm genuinely concerned, not excited by the gossip.

There is no gossip. Give over and calm yourself down.

Siameasy · 30/04/2023 21:37

I would just keep out of it. I tell my husband most things so yeah by all means tell your DH and leave it at that. Don’t let it worry you.

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2023 21:38

I'm cringing at his cover story. 🤣

Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:42

I told my husband as soon as I got home that I'd seen him at the gym, which prompted him to say 'Well that's odd, he's just texted me a minute ago, something about his shoulder...' Then I filled him in. He said he'll ask about the training partner, try to gauge how awkward he is talking about her.

This friend is known as a bit of a Walter Mitty, always exaggerating and, well, lying. They have a running joke: 'D says a lot of things', whenever he makes one of his unbelievable claims. So he's a seasoned liar.

I'm feeling happier now the majority are telling me to keep my nose out! I'm more comfortable edging on to that side of the fence. Ugh, I knew I should have stayed in bed instead of dragging my old carcass out for exercise.

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportWyrm · 30/04/2023 21:43

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:00

I go to a gym that isn't the closest to home but it's convenient for me for work. This morning I swam and when I was in the jacuzzi one of my husband's pub friends walked past with a woman I didn't recognise - he is married and this isn't his wife. He had his hand on her back and was guiding her. I didn't know he's a member there, never seen him there before but I don't suppose that's unusual.

Later I was in the sauna and he opened the door and held it for her to come in and again put his hand on her to sort of guide her in. He spotted me and quickly looked away and said to her 'I'm going for a swim actually. I'll meet you out the front'. She seemed a bit puzzled but stayed for a few minutes.

By the time I got home he'd WhatsApped my husband to ask if he knew a physio - he said his training partner had pushed him too hard at the gym this morning and he'd injured his shoulder. They have never texted each other individually, and my husband wouldn't be anyone's 'go to' for sports physio advice. They're just both part of the same group of middle aged men who sometimes meet in the pub. My husband didn't know he was training for anything, and didn't know he was a member of a gym.

I used to sort of know this man's wife years ago but just to say hello to when our kids were in primary school. We live in the same village. I can't just contact his wife (or him) and ask what's the deal with the 'training partner', can I?

I have to keep my nose out, right? I don't have enough evidence to speak up, I could cause a lot of unnecessary damage based on nothing but a brief observation and an out of the ordinary text message. It was such an unusual series of events though that I'm convinced that something is going on and he's building a cover story (and I'm not generally an imaginative person, definitely not a fantasist type).

I would be tempted to find the name of a good physio - then pass it onto him via the wife - "hope your DHs training injury isn't too painful, here's the name of a physio recommended by one of my friends"

Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:43

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 21:37

There is no gossip. Give over and calm yourself down.

Show quote history

You're right, I'm getting myself a bit worked up over something that's not my concern.

OP posts:
Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 21:44

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:42

I told my husband as soon as I got home that I'd seen him at the gym, which prompted him to say 'Well that's odd, he's just texted me a minute ago, something about his shoulder...' Then I filled him in. He said he'll ask about the training partner, try to gauge how awkward he is talking about her.

This friend is known as a bit of a Walter Mitty, always exaggerating and, well, lying. They have a running joke: 'D says a lot of things', whenever he makes one of his unbelievable claims. So he's a seasoned liar.

I'm feeling happier now the majority are telling me to keep my nose out! I'm more comfortable edging on to that side of the fence. Ugh, I knew I should have stayed in bed instead of dragging my old carcass out for exercise.

Nothing happened, 😂 you saw him with a woman, men are allowed to have female friends, give over.

drpet49 · 30/04/2023 21:45

PieMashLiquor · 30/04/2023 21:32

I think you don't know anything so shouldn't say anything

I agree in this case.

CheersForThatEh · 30/04/2023 21:48

I wouldnt seek her out but I'd definitely volunteer the information if I bumped into her. "Oh yes, I saw him at the gym, surprised he didnt say hello but he texted my husband about a physio after as he had a really bad injury so he must have been distracted...how is his shoulder now, was X any good at fixing it?"

CaroleSinger · 30/04/2023 21:53

Well he knows you twigged and it's obvious by him texting your husband that he's trying to put out there a legit reason why he might have been there as a cover. But it's not for you to expose and it really will cause more trouble than it's worth. People say they'd want to know but they aren't really people you know well enough to intervene. I would feel differently if it were a close friend.

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 21:58

I am sorry you had to deal with this. It’s upsetting. I saw something similar a few years ago, and decided to never say a word. I didn’t even tell my DH. It wasn’t clear, we are not super close and I don’t know the details of their relationship anyway.

Original poster
LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 22:07

AliceOlive · 30/04/2023 21:58

I am sorry you had to deal with this. It’s upsetting. I saw something similar a few years ago, and decided to never say a word. I didn’t even tell my DH. It wasn’t clear, we are not super close and I don’t know the details of their relationship anyway.

Thank you, you're right. I don't know them well enough at all to know what's going on with their relationship - my first thought was that they'd got divorced and I didn't know about it. I see them so infrequently and my husband wouldn't keep me updated on anything from this group of friends.

It isn't clear, and I don't know them or their situation well enough to give this any more headspace. Thank you all for your thoughts.

OP posts: