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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do? Husband's friend, possible affair.

46 replies

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:00

I go to a gym that isn't the closest to home but it's convenient for me for work. This morning I swam and when I was in the jacuzzi one of my husband's pub friends walked past with a woman I didn't recognise - he is married and this isn't his wife. He had his hand on her back and was guiding her. I didn't know he's a member there, never seen him there before but I don't suppose that's unusual.

Later I was in the sauna and he opened the door and held it for her to come in and again put his hand on her to sort of guide her in. He spotted me and quickly looked away and said to her 'I'm going for a swim actually. I'll meet you out the front'. She seemed a bit puzzled but stayed for a few minutes.

By the time I got home he'd WhatsApped my husband to ask if he knew a physio - he said his training partner had pushed him too hard at the gym this morning and he'd injured his shoulder. They have never texted each other individually, and my husband wouldn't be anyone's 'go to' for sports physio advice. They're just both part of the same group of middle aged men who sometimes meet in the pub. My husband didn't know he was training for anything, and didn't know he was a member of a gym.

I used to sort of know this man's wife years ago but just to say hello to when our kids were in primary school. We live in the same village. I can't just contact his wife (or him) and ask what's the deal with the 'training partner', can I?

I have to keep my nose out, right? I don't have enough evidence to speak up, I could cause a lot of unnecessary damage based on nothing but a brief observation and an out of the ordinary text message. It was such an unusual series of events though that I'm convinced that something is going on and he's building a cover story (and I'm not generally an imaginative person, definitely not a fantasist type).

OP posts:
SiblingFights · 30/04/2023 22:24

Having seen a similar situation implode with disastrous effects on the messenger, I would be really reluctant to say anything IIWY

slowquickstep · 30/04/2023 23:07

Your really don't know anything, so keep schtum

Ohyess · 30/04/2023 23:29

Get your husband to reply and ask for the training partners number as he's been also looking for one 🤣

finished31 · 30/04/2023 23:45

I mean you could ask you husband to message back asking for the trainers details as you are looking for one yourself see how quickly he shits himself 😆

On a serious note, it's a hard one.

finished31 · 30/04/2023 23:45

Ohyess · 30/04/2023 23:29

Get your husband to reply and ask for the training partners number as he's been also looking for one 🤣

Great minds. Didn't even see your post 😆

Ohyess · 30/04/2023 23:50

finished31 · 30/04/2023 23:45

Great minds. Didn't even see your post 😆

Show quote history

Haha total great minds 🤣

ALongHardWinter · 01/05/2023 00:51

I think it would be more trouble than it's worth if you say anything when you are not 100 % certain of what's going on. And unfortunately,even if you DID say something to his wife, people receiving bad news often 'shoot the messenger'.

CeriB82 · 01/05/2023 07:32

You have nothing on this man.

leave it and stop being nosey

ArseMenagerie · 01/05/2023 07:40

I like the idea of texting the wife:
DH mentioned that your husbands training partner had given him a brutal workout! She must train him hard! Here’s the name of a really good physio - sorry don’t have his number in mg phone - can you pass it on? Hope he’s ok! Shoulder injuries are brutal!

Ivanovaa · 01/05/2023 07:54

None of your business unless you and the wife are friends.

Your husband can talk to his friend about what is going on but you stay out of it. They may be in an open relationship or he may be a big time cheater.. it’s still not your business if you don’t know them.

Writerscompanion · 01/05/2023 08:22

Sorry, this is a slight aside from your dilemma but I absolutely hate it when I see men 'steering' women (usually their wives) around! I once saw a man with his hands on both shoulders of a woman literally manoeuvring her around a London tube station. Did yours think she wasn't able to find the sauna door with out his help?! Hmm

Kingoftheroad · 01/05/2023 10:46

For goodness sake it’s none of your business. You’re not even friends with his wife - the woman at the gym could be anyone. STAY OUT OF IT

SorryButThatsAFact · 12/05/2023 11:32

LubaLuca · 30/04/2023 21:00

I go to a gym that isn't the closest to home but it's convenient for me for work. This morning I swam and when I was in the jacuzzi one of my husband's pub friends walked past with a woman I didn't recognise - he is married and this isn't his wife. He had his hand on her back and was guiding her. I didn't know he's a member there, never seen him there before but I don't suppose that's unusual.

Later I was in the sauna and he opened the door and held it for her to come in and again put his hand on her to sort of guide her in. He spotted me and quickly looked away and said to her 'I'm going for a swim actually. I'll meet you out the front'. She seemed a bit puzzled but stayed for a few minutes.

By the time I got home he'd WhatsApped my husband to ask if he knew a physio - he said his training partner had pushed him too hard at the gym this morning and he'd injured his shoulder. They have never texted each other individually, and my husband wouldn't be anyone's 'go to' for sports physio advice. They're just both part of the same group of middle aged men who sometimes meet in the pub. My husband didn't know he was training for anything, and didn't know he was a member of a gym.

I used to sort of know this man's wife years ago but just to say hello to when our kids were in primary school. We live in the same village. I can't just contact his wife (or him) and ask what's the deal with the 'training partner', can I?

I have to keep my nose out, right? I don't have enough evidence to speak up, I could cause a lot of unnecessary damage based on nothing but a brief observation and an out of the ordinary text message. It was such an unusual series of events though that I'm convinced that something is going on and he's building a cover story (and I'm not generally an imaginative person, definitely not a fantasist type).

This is a puzzling post.

On the one hand, you're suggesting that it's none of your business and that nothing might actually be going on.

Yet on the other hand, the fact that you posted about it in the first place and you're asking "I have to keep my nose out, right?" suggests you're half wanting people to goad you in to doing something.

But either way - it's absolutely none of your business.

Caroparo52 · 12/09/2023 09:01

Trust in Karma. If he's up to know good it will spill out.
Not your place to tell the wife. You've already rippled the waters by innocently spotting him.
What a dick ... if it were innocent why the bollocks cover up story?

Caroparo52 · 12/09/2023 09:01

#NO GOOD

Rogue1001MNer · 12/09/2023 09:07

#oldthread

Privatelyliving · 12/09/2023 09:08

I'm single so maybe it's different, but I have a number of male friends who could look like that with me. They really are just friends but it might look like something different if you just saw that moment.

HRTQueen · 12/09/2023 09:15

No don’t get involved you don’t know anything for sure

your husband can reply to his friends message if he is having an affair he will be feeling worried now and that’s for him to deal with

72EasyLessons · 12/09/2023 09:26

You know nothing, therefore you do nothing.

I would think absolutely nothing of seeing a man and woman who weren’t married to one another together in the gym. I sometimes go to the gym with a male friend (though I would karate chop him on the windpipe if he ‘steered’ me anywhere). One of my married, female neighbours has a male gym buddy I often see her with in the weights room or sauna, and they also dog walk together — her DH is a consultant and works mad hours. I suppose it’s technically possible they’re shagging one another, but I doubt it, and it’s a free world, anyway.

I agree the text message to the OP’s DH sounds like a clumsy attempt to cover up, but it’s still a reach to assume an affair, given some of the insanely possessive and territorial attitudes I see on here about opposite-sex friendships (‘My Barry going to the gym with a woman? I wouldn’t be having THAT!’) so it’s within the bounds of possibility she is his training partner, and his wife thinks this is an encroachment on her boundaries.

Anyway, OP, it sounds as if they were actually using the gym facilities, if you saw them twice over a period of time, rather than ripping one another’s clothes off in the car park?

Cat2014 · 12/09/2023 09:28

Definitely don’t say anything. Nowhere near enough evidence and you could cause pain or issues where there’s no need.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 12/09/2023 09:28

I would have asked the “training partner” if she knew his wife as well…

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