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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry my dad allowed me around a rapist

32 replies

mummyjummylove · 30/04/2023 20:27

Hi,

I will obviously be changing names and will try and explain this as concisely as possible.

When I was 8, my dad met a new woman and they started dating. She has 3 children, the two youngest being Jessica and David. My step-mum was a horrible person through and through, emotionally abusive to both myself and my dad - this is widely agreed by her family etc, she's well hated.

Luckily my dad escaped when I was about 18 (I'm 24 now) and I haven't spoken to anyone from the family since, even though I had a great relationship with Jessica.

Randomly Jessica and I started speaking a few days ago again, and horrifically she told me that when she was 10, her brother David (13) had raped her. My ex step-mum had brushed his all under the carpet and had taken David's side. Recently Jessica decided to speak out about it and my ex step mum told everyone she was a liar and having a mental breakdown. Jessica is now no contact with her, thankfully.

My question for you all is a selfish one. I rang my dad flabbergasted asking him if he knew about Jessica's trauma. He said he did know, and that he'd been told only six months into the relationship. My dad when I was 8 onwards, allowed me to be around David, a child rapist. David lived away, but we'd often visit or they'd come back to the country and I'd basically have unlimited access to him. Luckily nothing happened, but AIBU to be absolutely seething that he put me in this position?

For further context: I confronted my dad and he said that he never thought David was a serial offender so wasn't a risk to me as he would've been about 20 when I was 8. I think that's a crap excuse personally - there's no reason to believe he didn't offend outside of the family (hence my ex step mum maybe not knowing). My dad also is a total wet lettuce who always prioritises his woman, but is a kind hearted man. I wonder how many more times I can excuse his behaviour because he's "weak".

OP posts:
TooMuchStuffArghhh · 30/04/2023 20:30

It sounds as though you know that your dad didn't make great decisions around safeguarding. Thank goodness you were okay, nothing happened. Unfortunately, lots of people put themselves before their children for an easy life.

Grumpusaurus · 30/04/2023 20:36

I don't think I could forgive him in your place for endangering you. And it is disgusting that he knowingly helped to bury the crime and did nothing to support his step daughter. What a disgusting individual!

YNK · 30/04/2023 21:19

You will struggle to process this awful news either together or separately. Either way, you will have to face many uncomfortable feelings as you unpick your part in the trauma.
I hope you can come through with stronger relationships and that's sometimes too far a stretch to achieve.
If I could offer just one tip - please try to avoid both blame and guilt and reserve your judgement for the guilty party.
I'm so sorry

BasilParsley · 30/04/2023 21:23

Why is no-one suggesting taking this to the Police for investigation?

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/04/2023 21:27

YANBU to be angry. Your dad should have protected you from both the risk of harm from your step-brother and from your abusive step-mother.

It sounds like it was a complicated situation and like your father was a victim of abuse from your ex-step-mum. However I still think it is perfectly valid for you to feel let down.

For what it’s worth I think sexual
abuse in particular is pushed under the carpet by lots of families and many parents don’t adequately protect their children from people who are known to be a risk. My uncle was in court for rape of a teenager, while in court my parents let him live with us…..while I was the same age as the victim. Honestly it’s ridiculous. They should have done better.

I also think, now that you are properly getting into adulthood, this is the age where you really start reflecting on your parents behaviour. Because as a grown adult you can see fully what was /wasn’t appropriate behaviour. Whereas as a child you just accept how your parents act.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 30/04/2023 22:06

BasilParsley · 30/04/2023 21:23

Why is no-one suggesting taking this to the Police for investigation?

I don't actually think anything could be proved this many years later, but the most worrying thing is that the dad (who has now passed) was high up in the police Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyjummylove · 30/04/2023 22:09

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/04/2023 21:27

YANBU to be angry. Your dad should have protected you from both the risk of harm from your step-brother and from your abusive step-mother.

It sounds like it was a complicated situation and like your father was a victim of abuse from your ex-step-mum. However I still think it is perfectly valid for you to feel let down.

For what it’s worth I think sexual
abuse in particular is pushed under the carpet by lots of families and many parents don’t adequately protect their children from people who are known to be a risk. My uncle was in court for rape of a teenager, while in court my parents let him live with us…..while I was the same age as the victim. Honestly it’s ridiculous. They should have done better.

I also think, now that you are properly getting into adulthood, this is the age where you really start reflecting on your parents behaviour. Because as a grown adult you can see fully what was /wasn’t appropriate behaviour. Whereas as a child you just accept how your parents act.

Thank you so much for this - I cannot believe SA is brushed under the carpet in families for "convenience", it's heinous

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyjummylove · 30/04/2023 22:10

Thank you all for your comments, really helping me 😊

OP posts:
Nagado · 30/04/2023 22:34

BasilParsley · 30/04/2023 21:23

Why is no-one suggesting taking this to the Police for investigation?

Because it’s Jessica’s trauma, not the OP’s. Nobody has the right to force a rape victim into reporting it if they aren’t ready to do so. All the OP can do is let her know that she believes her and will support her if she decides to report him.

OP, I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. Your father risked you being raped and his only excuse seems to be that he thought that David was a ‘one off’ rapist. A more suspicious person might conclude that he risked you being raped simply so he didn’t upset his partner by keeping her son away from you. That’s a horrific thing for a father to do to their child. It’s not something I’d be able to forgive.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 30/04/2023 22:47

I 100% agree with you @Nagado

That's exactly what he did. I hate to say this but god forbid something had happened to me (with David), I can't imagine a reality where he wouldn't have chosen his wife over me.

It's such a shame too, because despite saying this he is a genuinely kind and caring man, but I surely can't keep brushing everything off by saying he's simply henpecked

OP posts:
Nagado · 01/05/2023 13:20

he is a genuinely kind and caring man

He’s not though, is he? He’s only kind and caring when it doesn’t inconvenience him or interfere with his relationships. Where was his care when you needed it most?

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 13:36

Nagado · 01/05/2023 13:20

he is a genuinely kind and caring man

He’s not though, is he? He’s only kind and caring when it doesn’t inconvenience him or interfere with his relationships. Where was his care when you needed it most?

Yes, you're sadly entirely correct.

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 01/05/2023 14:18

Hang on, at the time was he given the narrative that this hadn't happened in the way Jessica said, that she was a problem child and lied, was attention seeking etc etc? Maybe he only had his ex's side of the story so although he'd been 'told', it was him being told she'd accused brother but it didn't actually happen?

FarmGirl78 · 01/05/2023 14:20

But regardless.... Totally agree he was weak to not think "Don't care whether it happened or not, I'm keeping my Daughter away from this circus" xx

Testina · 01/05/2023 14:21

“but is a kind hearted man”

Stop lying to yourself.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 14:31

FarmGirl78 · 01/05/2023 14:18

Hang on, at the time was he given the narrative that this hadn't happened in the way Jessica said, that she was a problem child and lied, was attention seeking etc etc? Maybe he only had his ex's side of the story so although he'd been 'told', it was him being told she'd accused brother but it didn't actually happen?

He was aware it was real, she told him it was true...she knows it is. She's just painted Jessica as a liar since she had the confidence to talk about it. I don't think she thought Jessica ever would speak out.

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 01/05/2023 14:33

So what did your dad do to protect Jessica?

Honeyboomboom · 01/05/2023 14:51

For what it’s worth I think sexual
abuse in particular is pushed under the carpet by lots of families and many parents don’t adequately protect their children from people who are known to be a risk.

They should have done better.

Absolutely this. I think you need to take the rose tinted specs off for your father too, he is up to his neck in these failings too.

Put as much emotional distance as you can between yourself and these people before you have children. For example they cannot provide childcare for you in the future, they have not been able to do right by their own children and won’t be able to do right by the next generation either.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 14:51

Hairyfairy01 · 01/05/2023 14:33

So what did your dad do to protect Jessica?

Nothing. She would've been about 18 when my dad started dating her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 14:52

Honeyboomboom · 01/05/2023 14:51

For what it’s worth I think sexual
abuse in particular is pushed under the carpet by lots of families and many parents don’t adequately protect their children from people who are known to be a risk.

They should have done better.

Absolutely this. I think you need to take the rose tinted specs off for your father too, he is up to his neck in these failings too.

Put as much emotional distance as you can between yourself and these people before you have children. For example they cannot provide childcare for you in the future, they have not been able to do right by their own children and won’t be able to do right by the next generation either.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Honeyboomboom · 01/05/2023 14:52

But knowing that his wife is lying he is not speaking up for Jessica now either. That is a serious failing on his part.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 14:53

Honeyboomboom · 01/05/2023 14:52

But knowing that his wife is lying he is not speaking up for Jessica now either. That is a serious failing on his part.

It's vile isn't it.... he was told six months in to a 10 year relationship...why the F didn't he run as soon as he heard it?!?!

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 01/05/2023 14:58

So sorry OP, this must be so hard for you to process.

Sadly many parents fail to safeguard their children as they are too busy trying to save their own relationships with abusers or enablers.

It's OK and indeed right for this to change the way you see your dad. It's heartbreaking but he wasn't the father you needed and deserved. Thank God the worst didn't happen.

Original poster
mummyjummylove · 01/05/2023 14:59

Rumplestrumpet · 01/05/2023 14:58

So sorry OP, this must be so hard for you to process.

Sadly many parents fail to safeguard their children as they are too busy trying to save their own relationships with abusers or enablers.

It's OK and indeed right for this to change the way you see your dad. It's heartbreaking but he wasn't the father you needed and deserved. Thank God the worst didn't happen.

Thank you so much for your kind words x

OP posts:
UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 01/05/2023 15:13

I have an 11 year old daughter, so she's close enough in age to Jessica when she was raped and the age you were when your father met his ex-wife. I'm seething in rage that a father, or indeed any parent, could be so negligent towards his own child to expose them to the risk of a child rapist getting their hands on them. David wouldn't have got within a mile radius of you, and at the first sign of the step-mother-to-be being horrible to you, the relationship would've ended anyway.

Your father doesn't deserve you, so don't feel bad in the slightest if you wish to end or reduce contact. You may wish to continue, or you might wish to seek professional help with processing some of the issues this before considering further contact, but that should be on your terms, when you're ready, without any pressure from anyone.

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