To ask how you knew you wanted kids

[CleverLilViper]

I’m 35.

for most of my life, I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve been staunchly anti-kid for so long. Now, I want them.

I don’t know what happened. I moved out on my own. Got into a relationship with a man that I love. And bam, just like that, after 30 odd years I suddenly start feeling inklings towards having kids.

it hasn’t helped or harmed my desire to have kids since the birth of my dear nephew in October and I’m smitten with him. Absolutely smitten.

now don’t get me wrong I know it’s vast difference between being the fun auntie who can give them back at the end of the day and actually being a parent but I never imagined myself feeling any kind of tug towards having kids. I know it will be damn hard.

The guy I’m with seems more interested in prioritising fun things like expensive holidays with his family and dismisses my desire for kids as a phase even though he’s always said he wants kids.

Now I’m conflicted. How did you decide to or not to have kids? Was it a conscious choice or did it just happen? If you chose to or not to have kids-did you regret it? Why?

I can't say I had any great urge or longing to have kids. In all honesty we had got married young, bought a house, and it just seemed like the "next step". I didn't have a career, just a job I wasn't that keen on so I think I was looking for a way of getting some time out 😂

I don't regret having them, but I often regret not forging a career. I ended up (despite doing well at school) sticking with a job I don't mind just because it's allowed me a great deal of flexibility to fit around family life.

In all honesty though, I don't think I could have done both. I've always been available for school pick ups etc, and had plenty of time for them. If I'd had a career I don't think I'd have coped with the stress of trying to give 100% to both kids and career.

That's why I don't have children. Always felt I'd be too anxious, worried and I'd be shit at setting boundaries. I have a cat and have nervous breakdowns when he's not well and needs a vet. Never wanted to be a mother full of anxious love.

I've always known, but once I hit 28 I started feeling this ache for children which I'm putting down to hormones! Some people just know and others aren't so fussed either way.

I always thought I wanted children and in fact tried very hard to have them to no avail. But childfree life has turned out so much better than I could have hoped. If I had my life again I think I would be childfree by choice from the outset. I think it was mostly FOMO and social conditioning that made me feel like I wanted them.

I always knew I wanted them - even as a child. It was a total dealbreaker for me that the person I married would want them too.

Luckily I found DH who was 6 years older than me and was ready around the same time, once we'd got married and bought first house.

I had DD at 27, am expecting DS any day now and although it is hard, I know it's what was meant for me! I love being a mum!

I've known I've wanted them in a vague sense since I was a teenager, then when I was about 26/27 I just was flooded with a desperation for them I couldn't explain. DP was a "yes, but not now" and had a variety of practical reasons for delay. I found it really hard, but we agreed that when we turned 30 (there's only a few months between us) we'd actually start trying. It took a long time, DS1 was born when I was 32, DS2 when I was 36.

I never wanted them then mid 30s it was something me and my wife talked and agonised over. then we just couldn't stop thinking "what if".

it became all i thought about, and the convo just kept happening again and again as we were both so on the fence. in the end we just knew that we would forever have the "what if " problem if we never went ahead with it and decided to make the leap. As soon as we made that decision it allowed us to get really focused on having them and actually I felt much more relaxed about it all.

I couldn’t imagine life without having children so always knew I wanted them. I was very close to my younger cousins and loved spending time with them. I just regret who I chose to have them with!
It is very hard work but I can’t imagine anything that could be more rewarding personally.

I was never a maternal person and for some time definitely didn’t want them. But then when I got engaged to DH and saw my future with him, I saw it as a family. He really wanted to be a dad, which contributed to it. I thought of how I wanted to see my life pan out and I saw family holidays, days out etc. I wasn’t interested in the pregnancy and baby phase, more the long-term family life.

I wanted kids for a long time. Suffered miscarriages and eventually the relationship broke up because of it. Met a new partner and a year later my eldest was born. I had given up on having children due to the miscarriages. Now have two teenage boys......and a lot of grey hairs 😂😂

I was always anti kids, found a partner and got married last spring. He wanted them but accepted I didn't and wanted to be with me either way. Then honestly I don't know exactly whether it was one thing or more a collection of things falling into place - getting married, getting a home sorted, changing jobs and feeling secure.
We started talking about it and I changed my mind, currently expecting!
For me it just felt like everything slotted into place and where I previously could never picture having kids, circumstances changed and suddenly I found myself imagining it and not being terrified.

A friend got pregnant. I'd been married for two years and suddenly it hit me...

I always wanted them, and always imagined a future with a family. I told DP it was a deal-breaker for me when we were really young, so it was clear that it was at some point not right then. I wanted 4, but have ended up with a much more reasonable (for us) 2!

I think since I was a teenager I just kind of knew I wanted to have a child, by late 20s it was a strong urge, I really wanted the “family” life in the sense of having a child and raising them, teaching them things, watching them grow, experiencing the world with them, and doing “kid” things. Started TTC at 29, it took 4 years to get pregnant with DD and I grieved so much during that time for the possibility of never having a child. I think I probably would have been happy eventually if the IVF hadn’t worked but I’m grateful every day that it did.

Once upon a time I wanted 2 children but during infertility I realised I could be very happy with one and once DD was born I was so glad it was all over, the TTC, miscarriages, IVF, anxious pregnancy and traumatic birth, I just felt done with it all and wanted to live our lives now as a family of three. DH always only wanted one anyway. Even having one child has been hard and a big adjustment but overall I think we’re all very happy.

I always wanted to be a mum. Was quite happy to have a baby at 16 with my first boyfriend til my mum found out and made me realise how that would have been a bad idea-he wasn't the friendliest boy 😕

Met my husband 7 years ago, moved in together quite soon after meeting and I was 100% ready for a baby. He wanted us to get married first, which we did, 3 years into our relationship and then we had 3 years of just enjoying being us, having nice holidays, sorting our careers out etc.

As time went on, the 'need' and 'urge' subsided, and it started to think, 'actually, the older I get, do I actually want kids? Or am I okay with a life without them?'

Did a bit of soul searching, then one night I was really tearful and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was like 'I need a baby!' to my husband who was mildly surprised but very much on board. We were so lucky and fell pregnant our first cycle trying however we sadly miscarried. Had a break for 2 months then fell pregnant again. We now have a 9 month old son who was just so so worth the wait, and I'm married to the most amazing man, I'm so glad it was him and I'm so glad 16 year old me listened to her mother 😂

The opposite perspective - could this sudden desire to have kids be purely hormones and infatuation with your new guy?

I’m a year younger than you and the same - never wanted kids, wasn’t a choice, just intrinsically knew I didn’t. I also got into a fantastic relationship almost 2 years ago but the difference with me is it didn’t suddenly make me want kids. My partner doesn’t want them either and we’re both on the same page about prioritising holidays and our creative pursuits.

I’ve told him if I ever suddenly want kids to lock me in a cupboard til my hormones calm down! Before you met your bf, if someone had told you you’d wake up and want kids tomorrow what would your reaction be? Would it be ok cool I’ll go with it or absolutely not I must fight the urge at all costs? Only you know how you really feel but if you’ve never wanted them until now I’d give it some serious thought before making a decision either way.

Thank you all for your responses.

I’ve given it a lot of thought and decided that I don’t want children. After reflection, I realised that I was getting caught up in the excitement of the arrival of my dear nephew.

I had a discussion with my DP and he told me that he didn’t want kids. I thought I’d be utterly devastated by this news and would break up with him. Instead all I felt was relief.

since going through my period of indecision I’ve felt dread in my stomach. Like I was walking into something akin to a trap. As soon as I realised my DP didn’t want kids it was like being let off the hook.

I just know that I don’t have sufficient desire to be a parent and that I never have to go through with it. My family were all telling me how amazing it would be for me to have a kid and how I’d make an amazing mother and I think I started to feel forced. I started to force myself to want something that I’d never wanted. Because it’s what everyone else thought was best and right.

I’m now just happy being as I am and feel a whole lot more like me now than what I was trying to force myself to be.

I've always been 90% apathetic towards having kids. After getting married, that dwindled to a pretty confident 99% no.

I've always been interested in people's motivations for having kids, actually... I've asked many people, and to me, their first reason has always been quite surprising... like someone to look after them when they're old, or because that's what biologically we're meant to do, etc.

I don't want to hijack the thread with people's reasons, but it intrigues me.

From young as in from a child I wanted children, so had my first at 21. My only regret at nearly 60, was I only had 2, I would have loved 6+ if circumstances would have allowed.

I'd always wanted them but wasn't sure it would happen for me, as I was diagnosed with PCOS at 13.

However, just after I got married at 31, my best friend had a baby and I became ENORMOUSLY broody. The intensity was like when you have a huge crush on someone or first fall in love. It was all I could think about, and thinking about having a baby of my own made me so happy.

I was very lucky to fall pregnant naturally 6 months later, and then again a couple of years after that. They're 3 and 1 now and I'm trying to persuade DH we can afford another

But that's me - if you don't want to have kids then don't.

I just kind of thought I would have children. I never had a burning desire to be a mum or felt that I didn't want children. I have one. I do wish I'd had one more, but I wouldn't have another at my age now.

I wasn't remotely bothered about having children. No friends had them, I'd never so much as held a baby, I really wasn't fussed.

Until one day, I was! It was really sudden and all-consuming.

Now I have three and it was the best decision of my life. Everything is better with them and I don't regret my decision at all!

'I’ve given it a lot of thought and decided that I don’t want children. After reflection, I realised that I was getting caught up in the excitement of the arrival of my dear nephew'

Bloody good for you for giving it serious thought, and being clear eyed and realistic about what you actually want. It's not easy to separate out what you actually want from what you're told you should want! I absolutely relate to the strong urge to have a baby coming out of nowhere. It's hard to tell how much is biology and how much is society. I'm 43 now and I didn't have kids, and absolutely no regrets. Enjoy your nephew x

I never wanted children either. Was 21 when I met my now husband, we were both on the same page - no children, instead wanted to travel, focus on work and just live our best lives. We got married when I was 30 (he 36) and something just changed somewhere along the line - having kids was all I could think of, was totally overwhelmed and would get jealous of friends telling me they were pregnant. We talked and decided to ride it out and see if it was a phase - to see if perhaps I'd settle down and also give us time to really consider what we wanted and how it would work. It didn't settle, and after much discussions 5 years later we decided to TTC and see where it took us. Our DD is now 18 months old, absolutely smitten with her, adore her to bits and feel so much happier than I ever thought I could be. Don't get me wrong it's hard but no regrets at all here. I'm glad we waited though to see if it were a phase I was going through or if my thoughts would change.

That being said. I hated pregnancy and would never do it again!

@C1N1C

I really enjoy life and am glad to have been born to experience it all. I have the time/money/support/love to give a child to hopefully help them to enjoy it as much or more as I have done. So I do personally feel like brining a child into the world is giving them a gift. (other people with different life experiences no doubt could feel different)

Having money was sadly one of the biggest things for me and why I waited until I was sure I could make all this work.. like have enough money so that my children don't have the stress of not being able to afford a house in the future, I can pay for additional support if the schools go downhill, or pay for private mental health support if that's ever needed etc.

I find real joy in spending time with children and teaching them things / seeing things again through their eyes as new.
I enjoy all the additional family members we have gathered along the way, and love each of them be that cousins, newphews and now my own children etc.

I also love to travel and so would expect my child to be the same, therfore I've done all this on the assumption they might choose to live anywhere in the world and not just be there for me in old age. But as I would have been alone anyway had I not had them, it just means I get to enjoy X number of years with them and then after that continue as I would have been (if that's what they choose to do).