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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do the kids for lunch?

46 replies

CornishIrish · 30/04/2023 12:15

Every time I am out at the weekend my husband will message me either “what am I doing the kids for lunch?” Or “where do I find them socks/hair slides/jumpers?” For context we both work full time and have two 12 year olds and a 6 year old. We do one medium shop and three or four top ups for fresh food.

The emotional labour of thinking about every meal, party gift, outfit, school project and doctors appointment is really getting me down.

Just recently I’ve started texting him, “what am I doing the kids for lunch?” Every time he leaves the house. It’s been a week, he’s now giving me the silent treatment.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ClaraThePigeon · 30/04/2023 12:18

YADNBU.

Tryingtohelp12 · 30/04/2023 12:27

i feel you. I think I do most of these things (gifts, meal planning, deciding what we are doing that day etc) it is draining. But I think it is important to remember what tasks your partner takes on, for me I never have to think about bills, contracts/fixed rate deals expiring etc. it all just happens. DH does his share of childcare and jobs, but thinking of fun stuff to do isn’t his strength. Think about all the stuff DH does do - it will help

Buebananas · 30/04/2023 12:29

If you split household chores and one of you is in charge of food/food shopping/planning then I would expect that person make decisions. Imagine if he didn't ask and just helped himself to some nice ingredients that were planned for another meal?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/04/2023 12:31

It annoys me too, but my husband does absolutely everything DIY related, and does loads of stuff to make our home better. He also does the bins, and also sorts car/house insurance and gas/leccy.

I have to think of this when he asks me what's for tea every fucking night.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 30/04/2023 12:31

This would massively annoy me too but can you not have a conversation rather than being really passive aggressive about it?

WelshNerd · 30/04/2023 12:41

"We do one medium shop and three or four top ups for fresh food."

Do you mean you both do it or you do it?

Yanbu. Especially with kids that age, just ask them what they want.

SootspriteSearcher · 30/04/2023 12:42

You need to actually have a conversation about it. It's easy to fall into a trap of just sorting it all, but you can't expect him to just know you need help.

I was a sahm until my dds were 5 and 2, I automatically took on all the housework, mental load, bills, meal planning and the dds stuff. It has taken years for me to slowly let go. But equally it has been a bumpy road for DH doing more. I sometimes cringe at the meals he makes, how he hangs out washing or what he has let dds wear for parties/nurseries. There has been times I would rather he had asked 🤣

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/04/2023 12:52

Surely two twelve year olds and a six year old know where their own socks, slides and jumpers are? That would annoy me more, to be honest - and the twelve year olds unless there's a massive dripfeed are more than capable of making themselves/each other some lunch. Even a six year old can make a sandwich! Maybe they need a bit of independence around household tasks?

Londonlassy · 30/04/2023 13:09

YANBU. The what’s for lunch question every weekend drives me crazy. I sort out the dinners and Lunches because I WFH but we are both home on the weekend so why does it still be my problem

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/04/2023 13:12

I'd reply "you've had this job for 12 years and are asking how you do a basic task. How embarrassing for you. Work it out"

Mamamia32 · 30/04/2023 13:17

YANBU but how fancy and varied are the lunch options at your house? My partner would just make our child a sandwich.

Buebananas · 30/04/2023 13:45

Especially with kids that age, just ask them what they want.

No, because they'd probably want burgers, fries or pizza and ice cream Grin! I'm afraid they eat what's been planned/bought.

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 13:47

Yanbu Don't your kids know where socks and hair slides are kept? Make sure that they don't copy dad's "helpless" ways.

I'd tell him to make the kids whatever he's eating.

MaryCrawford · 30/04/2023 13:52

I think most mums-me certainly-would be appalled if we were divorcing and the judge awarded custody of the children to the dad.

We take it for granted that, unless there are exceptional circumstances, mums will be the custodial parent. Most of us would expect and want that.

There usually isn't any physical reason for that-it because we're the mum and naturally seen as the primary caregiver to our children and that includes the "emotional labour" 😂 that you refer to.

I hope you don't get divorced-although if I were your husband, I'd be looking at this passive aggressive shit and childishness and thinking on. He may claim that as you find the "emotional labour" (which includes feeding your children, choosing a party outfit and making doctor's appointments for them) so arduous and exhausting, that maybe you shouldn't automatically be given custody.

Did you not realise that being a mum includes feeding your children or did you expect life to be as it was when you were young, free and single.

Grow up and either make a frigging sandwich for your children or tell the 12 year olds to make it or tell your husband what to make before you go out or just tell him there is stuff in the fridge.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/04/2023 13:54

MaryCrawford · 30/04/2023 13:52

I think most mums-me certainly-would be appalled if we were divorcing and the judge awarded custody of the children to the dad.

We take it for granted that, unless there are exceptional circumstances, mums will be the custodial parent. Most of us would expect and want that.

There usually isn't any physical reason for that-it because we're the mum and naturally seen as the primary caregiver to our children and that includes the "emotional labour" 😂 that you refer to.

I hope you don't get divorced-although if I were your husband, I'd be looking at this passive aggressive shit and childishness and thinking on. He may claim that as you find the "emotional labour" (which includes feeding your children, choosing a party outfit and making doctor's appointments for them) so arduous and exhausting, that maybe you shouldn't automatically be given custody.

Did you not realise that being a mum includes feeding your children or did you expect life to be as it was when you were young, free and single.

Grow up and either make a frigging sandwich for your children or tell the 12 year olds to make it or tell your husband what to make before you go out or just tell him there is stuff in the fridge.

Are you glue?

Londonlassy · 30/04/2023 13:57

MaryCrawford · 30/04/2023 13:52

I think most mums-me certainly-would be appalled if we were divorcing and the judge awarded custody of the children to the dad.

We take it for granted that, unless there are exceptional circumstances, mums will be the custodial parent. Most of us would expect and want that.

There usually isn't any physical reason for that-it because we're the mum and naturally seen as the primary caregiver to our children and that includes the "emotional labour" 😂 that you refer to.

I hope you don't get divorced-although if I were your husband, I'd be looking at this passive aggressive shit and childishness and thinking on. He may claim that as you find the "emotional labour" (which includes feeding your children, choosing a party outfit and making doctor's appointments for them) so arduous and exhausting, that maybe you shouldn't automatically be given custody.

Did you not realise that being a mum includes feeding your children or did you expect life to be as it was when you were young, free and single.

Grow up and either make a frigging sandwich for your children or tell the 12 year olds to make it or tell your husband what to make before you go out or just tell him there is stuff in the fridge.

what Psychedelics are you on???

Buebananas · 30/04/2023 13:59

Op, who actually plans the meals and buys the food? That person should be at in charge of what's planned for which days.

I'd hate it if the kids of my partner just helped themselves to whatever they felt like!

Murdoch1949 · 01/05/2023 05:56

No (few) men ever think on their way home from work - have we got enough bread/milk for breakfast, shall I pop in the shop and get a few bits? Doesn't enter their heads.

loftconversi0n · 01/05/2023 08:08

@Murdoch1949 my husband does. He also knows where the socks/ hair grips/pe uniform is. I don't know if early on in relationships women try to take care of the man to prove their love/win them over or whatever but I think this sets the tone of the relationship and is hard to walk back. I worked away a lot during the early stages . My husband is a fully formed adult and our house work/child work /helping with homework/buying clothes etc is split evenly. People have been shocked when they ask where did x get that too/coat/skirt and I say. Not sure husband bought it.

Fairislefandango · 01/05/2023 08:14

This would massively annoy me too but can you not have a conversation rather than being really passive aggressive about it?

^This. I mean... he's clearly being a pathetic manchild about it, but assuming you'd like to remedy the situation rather than divorce him for being utterly useless, you need to make him understand quite how useless that actually is, and that you won't be putting up with it any more.

As for @MaryCrawford 's post... I have no words.

Nordicrain · 01/05/2023 08:16

Well if you plan the food then maybe it's fair enough, there's enough posts on here fuming at the DH who used the bacon/ ham/ salad intended for the evening meal.

If not, then just ignore the message, he will presumably work it out.

Lcb123 · 01/05/2023 08:17

why not discuss it rather than being passive aggressive. Or a practical solution, get a meal planner for the fridge which includes lunch and dinner, when you plan your food shop just write up lunch options available.

Charles11 · 01/05/2023 08:24

It is annoying but what if you said 'these are the choices for every lunch - sandwich or leftovers. Don't ask me again'
(Or whatever the choices are in your house)

BertieBotts · 01/05/2023 08:24

Tell him to ask ChatGPT. It's honestly a gamechanger.

SurvivingJust1 · 01/05/2023 08:26

I feel you and LOVE your approach.

Following for more wisdom and life lessons, thank you!