To give up on trying for a baby after recurrent miscarriage?

[Lottie2267]

Just what the title says really. I’ve had 4 miscarriages in a row (no children) and am emotionally and physically drained. GP / NHS don’t want to know so in order to carry on we would need private tests. There are SO many things that could be causing an issue and each test costs a small fortune. It’s quite overwhelming and I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’ve had the standard fertility MOT and my partner has had his sperm tested. I also paid for thyroid / iron blood tests but no idea where to go from here. I’m aware that many women have suffered many more miscarriages than me but I don’t know if I can keep putting myself through it. I’m questioning even having children now, I’m just worried we could spend thousands on tests and still be left heartbroken at the end. I want to protect my mental health. I was just wondering has anybody else been through the same / had the same feelings? What did you end up doing? To anyone that stopped trying to protect themselves, do you regret it? Thank you!

Also, I should say, we are happily married, we have an absolutely brilliant relationship and so having a baby would just add to the love. I don’t feel desperate to have a baby but at the same time, I’ve always dreamed of having my own little family and so it’s hard to accept that might not happen.

Hugs OP, this must be so difficult

I thought that the NHS do get involved after the fifth miscarriage? I don't say that glibly. I've got a ten year age difference thanks to secondary infertility and losses. Tbh, if I wasn't "desperate for a baby", I wouldn't have carried on trying.

@Lottie2267 I completely feel you here. On Friday at 9w+5 we had a second scan on 5th pregnancy (no kids) and the heartbeat had gone.

All your questions have run throug my mind too and the tears are upset/devastation/anger.

We've also paid privately for testing as the GP wasn't interested but Friday they had a stern econsult from me, as the Early Pregnancy Unit midwifes were pretty disgusted that on MC3 a year ago, the referral to the recurrent miscarriage clinic hadn't been made.

I am having a D&C Wednesday (my 2nd) and this time they'll be running genetic tests on the material, as this is the last thing that could show issues. On one hand I want it to find something for ab answer, but if it is chromosomal issues, the chances of us having a baby successfully are very slim. I'm 38 this year and now the "are we out of time to even try" is a very real question.

I'm so sorry you're in this too. It Is absolutely devastating and sadly, we're so unsupported with all these thoughts beyond husbands/family/friends xx

Have had recurrent miscarriages. But IVF worked in our situation. We've had naturally conceived miscarriages since and before DC was born and have now decided on sterilisation to stop the constant wondering of when/if for a pregnancy as I haven't conceived again for a few years now.

It's so tough and everyone in this situation has their own stopping point. For you that may be now and that's absolutely fine.

It took us ages to accept that our fertility was not in our control unlike most other couples and for me to dig my way out of depression over it all but we are there now and happy.

Sending lots of love - I know how gruelling and heartbreaking it is. I had 4 miscarriages and now have 2 children so there is hope even after so many losses.

When I was going through it we needed to have 4 miscarriages before the NHS would do tests but they didn't count one of mine as it was caused by the baby having Edwards syndrome so effectively they told me I had to have another miscarriage before I could get tested on the NHS which was devastating. So ended up having tests done privately at the Zita West clinic in London (it was Raj Rai that I saw who was amazing). The tests were expensive and we had to give up holidays for over a year to afford it, but it turns out I have a blood condition that was causing the miscarriages. I had to take Heparin injections and a small dose of baby aspirin from the day I found out I was pregnant until about 34 weeks. It worked and my eldest is now 14 and my youngest is 11 so I am beyond glad that I didn't give up (even though like you I seriously considered it).

Perhaps give yourself a break to grieve and regroup and focus on doing some lovely things for yourself to heal, and revisit whether you want to keep going or not in a couple of months before deciding for good? If everything is very raw right now it might help to take the pressure off for a little bit? We took a 3 month break after our last loss and just focussed on fun, our relationship and time with family and friends. It built me back up again. I also did a lot of mindset work and visualisation in the interim to help me relax and stay positive when we did decide to move forwards with the tests and then trying again. I'll never know if it helped or not, but it helped me feel like I was doing something if that makes sense.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time to make the right decision for you.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's such an awful experience and to go through it multiple times must be soul destroying.

According to the NICE guidelines, referral should be made for any woman who has had three or more losses before 10w. Push your GP. Ask for second opinions and take a copy of the NICE guidelines with you:

cks.nice.org.uk/topics/miscarriage/management/managing-recurrent-miscarriage/

Also, this: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Recurrent-Miscarriage.pdf

Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want to carry on this journey... maybe you have reached your destination, maybe you've just had a detour.

I have been there - one full term neo natal death, a missed miscarriage, a miscarriage and many late periods which produced feint positive tests. I was researching going to St Mary's recurrent miscarriage clinic when I started on 75mg aspirin (anyone reading this please check before you do this as I have no idea if this is even recommended now). I fell pregnant with my son within a fortnight and then went on to have a second son 4 years later. I was 38 and 42 when they were born. I couldn't have made peace with not trying everything, but I totally understand the exhaustion and sorrow. Be gentle on yourselves.

Sorry you are going through this , I had several miscarriages in a row after a large gap and was referred to the hospital . Can I ask how far along you were each time ?

I'm sorry OP. It's a horrible journey to be on.
You should absolutely get tests. My DS was stillborn at 32 weeks (t13), and I've had two miscarriages.
I was able to fight for my referral after my 2nd mc. My tests show I am deficient in vitamin D so I'm starting on that, and I am seeing genetics next month to rule out translocation. The doctor who saw me recommended we should all take strong vitamin D and high dose folic acid when there are losses.
If we did have the translocation, we'd need to consider IVF with pre genetic testing which I have been told is an option for us.
We are very similar though. We really do want to have another child (no living children, just our lovely angel) but we are in a good place and are looking after eachother. It can all feel like too much after multiple losses.
Always here for a PM.

I had a loss before DD (3yo) and then four more after her, but am now 37w pregnant. I totally get where you’re coming from, feeling like you may not have hit the wall quite yet but you’re rapidly hurtling towards it.

I think as with many things in life when you Know you’re ready to stop trying you’ll Know. Having said that, if I were you I would persevere with the testing to see if there is a root issue causing the mc. Like another PP I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder and have been on blood thinners and aspirin during this pregnancy, but I also have an increased risk of clots and strokes (yay!) so will have to continue with the aspirin as a preventative measure post baby. I’m glad I know about that, and I would say the same if it were my thyroid or another autoimmune condition or whatever. So definitely push for a referral to the recurrent mc clinic if you haven’t already.

I'm so sorry OP

For me it was about not having regrets - i couldn't stop until I was at peace with myself that I'd tried everything. I knew that i wouldn't be able to cope with waking up one day wondering "what if only I'd done that". I'm also a planner and a fixer and mentally and emotionally the best way to deal with multiple losses for me was to plan TTC again and what I could do to "fix" it.

We turned to IVF in the end and was successful x

I’m really surprised they haven’t acted on this! I had the blood test portion of RMC testing done after my second miscarriage, and I also had a full hertilitt work up after my fourth (egg quality/anatomy scan, partner sperm testing and so on) - I also had an ectopic pregnancy.

Then, I took high vitamin D, folate and baby aspirin and carried my daughter to term. She’s nearly 8.

It then took a long time for us emotionally to be able to try again. We conceived another three times (two miscarriages and another ectopic) at this point I was referred to a fertility clinic where I had more invasive tests.

I was then diagnosed with a clotting disorder, but found out we were pregnant again before further tests could be carried out. I started clexane injections at 5 weeks, and baby aspirin. My son is now 1.

There is no right or wrong answer - I know a couple who were in the same situation, they opted to stop trying and they have a lovely life. I didn’t stop trying and I also have a lovely life. However, I’d try and find a phone number for your local early pregnancy unit for advice as they are not following NICE guidelines.

I've had the same as you including a late term loss so a very complicated history. We were fortunate enough to go private and ivf worked on the first try. It does cost a fortune but honestly you will get results and answers going the private route. From my initial consult, ivf and pregnancy test it was 4months. This was from a background of very complex issues. I would have been waiting years and years on the nhs.I'm not saying it is guaranteed but at least you will have some way forward. So sorry for your losses.

Hi OP I am so sorry you’re going through this, it is truly, truly shit. I had secondary unexplained infertility. We started trying for a second baby in September 2017 when our first (total fluke of a son) was 4. What followed was five years of trying, including 3 losses and just heart break after heartbreak. 2 months after my 3rd MC last Feb I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time and I was livid. I was so angry I was pregnant again and would have to go through the whole rigmarole again. I went for a scan at 8+4 after I inevitably started spotting and for some reason, there was a little heartbeat. The heartbeat is now 4 months old! I have no idea what made him stick. I didn’t take the progesterone, but I did take B12, increased folate and aspirin. No idea if they helped or he was just meant to be but there is hope after loss, even though I never thought it would happen to me. I hope it happens for you OP if you decide to keep trying.

I had 11 miscarriages before having our child (genetic issue for me), no cure other than just carrying on until it works unfortunately.

Can I ask why are the NHS/ health care professionals not interested? You are (or should be) referred after your 3rd miscarriage to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. This happened with me, and also 2 friends who I know who also had recurrent miscarriages. If you haven't been automatically, I would be contacting my GP and telling them to do the referral. They did tonnes of tests for me when I was referred there, I didn't have to pay for a single one. Even the karyotyping test which isn't standard usually (but was what located the problem for me!). Even after we discovered the issue and that there was no cure for it, I was still supported by the RMC by way of early and more frequent appointments/scans during a pregnancy etc..

Basically there is a procedure for this sort of thing and if they aren't following it you should push! Don't give up, get on to the GP and pester for a referral. You shouldn't have to pay for all these tests.

Solidarity though OP it's awful, I really hope you get the help you should be getting!

2 miscarriages then a child then years of infertility and 5 miscarriages then we made the decision to stop.

Reoccuring miscarriage clinic had no answers for us, prescribed high strength folic acid, aspirin, clexane injections and hormone treatment.
I was probably iron deficient but no one looked at that. I still miscarried on all of that treatment.

They admitted to me when they discharged me that there was little evidence behind all of those treatments, they do not know the cause of over 80% of all miscarriages but gave it a go as it might just help.
There was nothing that they could do for us.

It was horrific.
But there is little funding put into research so it’s not their fault, I was grateful that someone was listening to me.

So we stopped, I got the pill and for the 1st time in over 15 years, stopped trying for a baby.
The pill needs to be taken on day 1 of your period.
My period never arrived.
But 8 months later my little miracle baby did!

We had given up after the medically treated miscarriage because if along side that industrial strength treatment I couldn’t maintain a pregnancy then there was no hope.
Mother Nature is fickle and a trickster!

Also, should there not be at least 1 round of IVF funded if you don't have any children? Id be seriously pushing for more information/ appointments / tests.

I found that whilst some of the tests wouldn't be offered as standard (i.e. Karyotyping) if I actually asked them to do it, they often would. You shouldn't have to but if you could do some research and go in with some requests they may be open to trying other tests that usually wouldn't be typical?

My husband has children already and even I was offered 3 rounds on the NHS because mine was a genetic problem (as I was told providing the person with the issue doesn't have children already, they will still fund it for certain genetic issue) I was also given a genetic counsellor at the hospital too. There are different criteria for different things, it's not a blanket one rule fits all. I really hope you can get some help and to the bottom of it OP

I had five early losses before dd1 and one later one before dd2. For me low dose aspirin made the difference. I have read that some women who suffer multiple miscarriages are actually super fertile and their bodies let non viable eggs implant.

If your are feeling up to it. The website Tommy's is a good place to start. You can refer to them or ask GP. 💐

Wow, thank you so much all for your responses and information, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Sorry I can’t reply to all individually.
i don’t know why they haven’t referred me. I asked the doctor on the phone last week about testing and she just seemed to brush it off. I think I will ring them or the epu on Tuesday again and push for a referral as it looks like I’m well within my rights to ask for this.
I live in rural Wales, I’m not sure if this has anything to do with it but it feels like we are a bit behind here (although it shouldn’t matter where you live!!)
I am so sorry to hear of all your losses and the pain you’ve been through ❤️
It’s not something that I speak to family about as we don’t have that kind of relationship unfortunately and I do find myself getting emotional when just thinking about it so it’s something I would find difficult to talk about. I just find it incredibly hard when people ask ‘when are you having kids’ - I just say ‘oh not yet’ as I literally don’t know what else to say. It’s hard but you’re all giving me some hope and i hope I find the strength to carry on.

I'm so very sorry OP. What a dreadful time you've had. As you can see, there are options open to you. However, I just wanted to add that there can be great freedom and peace to be had in letting go and saying 'enough'. Only you will know if / when that feels like the least bad option

There is a brilliant online community called Lighthouse Women (formerly Gateway Women). It's for women who don't have children and are struggling with that for various reasons. There are women on there who have closed the door on the whole process, but others who are still trying and still hopeful. It's so comforting to be able to share with others who understand how you are feeling. Good luck to you x

@Lottie2267 keep talking on here or to a person in real life. You need to express yourself. I think there's a FB group called the worst girl gang. That's about woman who have had miscarriages lots of good advice on there.

You should be referred after 3 unexplained miscarriages I think - was certainly the case when I was TTC.

I had investigations, they unfortunately came to the conclusion I just had crap prematurely-aged ovaries, so I had the miscarriage rate of somebody 5 years older. I have one DS, didn’t have any more that stuck, but it is a numbers game and we just had to have a few pregnancies until we got an egg without chromosomal abnormalities. I did take aspirin and vitamin D, along with folic acid.