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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my brother that I am worried sick?

40 replies

Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 06:55

I really need some advice about what to do about my younger brother.

He has had a problem with drug and alcohol misuse since he was a teenager. Have suspected he was an alcoholic for years. Over the last 2 years it seems to have got progressively worse with alcohol (I don’t think he uses substances anymore). Him and his girlfriend had a baby about 10 months ago. He did not cope very well with the change. His girlfriend told my mum that she started to find empty bottles of gin (previously was beer and cider).

She managed to get him a space for treatment at a rehab clinic about 6 months ago…he would have to live in as dependency very high. For some reason, he did not go. Apparently stopped drinking so much.

I do not see him very often…once a month maybe. The last few times I have seen him, it is very clear that he is under the influence of alcohol. Blood shot eyes, generally looks awful, behaviour off, could not keep hand still when trying to show me a photo on his phone, stinks of alcohol.

He drives in this condition. I’m worried sick he is going to kill himself, his girlfriend and child and other road users. My niece growing up with an alcoholic father. It is breaking my heart. I worry about his health deteriorating and leaving his family alone. I worry about his girlfriend kicking him out and him ending up homeless. I feel like he’s spiralling out of control and I don’t know what to do.

I have been thinking about sending him a message to see if he would consider getting some help. If I tried to call him, he would probably put the phone down on me. There’s no point doing it in person as I always have my son with me when I see him, and he would start shouting. He has an extremely short fuse and is very volatile. He doesn’t take too kindly to anyone asking about his life or ‘interfering’. My husband thinks it’s pointless trying to get involved and won’t make a difference. Probably make things even worse. I feel like I should say something instead of ignoring the elephant in the room. Maybe he would reconsider rehab? Or is that wishful thinking?

WWYD?
YABU - Don’t say anything - it is his life.
YANBU - Send a message

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 30/04/2023 06:58

I'm not sure saying anything to him will help. Perhaps, it might be an idea to tell his gf that you see what's going on and you'll always be there for her and the baby? Let her know she has an ally. And even ask her for her advice?

He sounds like he could be abusive (volatile, shirt fuse, drunk) so I think the gf needs you more.

Terrible situation. Alcoholism always brings damage.

GuevarasBeret · 30/04/2023 06:58

As you say it would make it worse.
I know it hurts when the best thing is to say nothing, but that’s the reality.

he doesn’t want to change at this time.

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/04/2023 07:03

I would be encouraging his girlfriend to kick him out tbh like you said he’s volatile and an alcoholic father- I wouldn’t want a child growing up like that. I also wouldn’t be exposing my own child to that regardless of being their uncle.

he doesn’t want to get help because he cannot recognise he has a problem I would also be very surprised if he has stopped using substances

im sorry you are going through this, and I know what I’ve written probably feels harsh.

Original poster
Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 07:22

It doesn’t sound harsh. I need to hear what people really think.

I did consider reaching out to his girlfriend but thought it would definitely make things worse if he found out I had contacted her about it. I am not close to her as I don’t see her very much. She knows she has the support of my family though. She sees my parents regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 07:23

Thank you all for the advice, I appreciate it

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 30/04/2023 07:30

I would send a message, it probably wouldn't be the best idea (would it? I don't know!) but I know what I am like and I would hope that seeds planted by others might begin to make him realise it's not as hidden as he may think it is.

Theunamedcat · 30/04/2023 07:33

Can you not speak to the police see if they can breathalyse him?

PepperSalt · 30/04/2023 07:33

@Willyoujust I really feel for you but this is one of those times when you need specialist advice about how best to respond. Following the advice of random people online could do a lot more harm than good.

More knowledgable people will come along with other suggestions but this might be a good place to start:

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/alcohol-support-services/support-lines

Good luck x

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/alcohol-support-services/support-lines

PepperSalt · 30/04/2023 07:37

@Willyoujust but listening to what people really think might involve hearing you the most unhelpful thing imaginable from clueless strangers!

Why not start a thread on Relationships if you want to connect with people with lived experience of alcohol? And put ‘alcoholism’ in the thread title next time so that it attracts knowledgeable people rather than randoms.

x

berksandbeyond · 30/04/2023 07:43

Well next time he gets in a car like that I’d call 999 for a start.

His girlfriend isn’t much better if she’s willingly putting her baby into a car driven by a drunk driver so maybe a social services referral too

MissyB1 · 30/04/2023 07:44

This was my brother about 15 years ago. He ended up on the streets (gf kicked him out, and he lost his job). Only when at rock bottom, and totally destitute, did he agree he had a problem and needed rehab.

He did live in rehab for 6 months and had intensive treatment. They then supported him in finding somewhere to live and setting up his own business. He’s been dry for 10 years now and his business has done brilliantly. He’s a totally different person. But he had to lose everything before he would face up to it all.

Sherbs12 · 30/04/2023 07:51

This is such a sad situation. It’s so hard to help people if they aren’t ready/refuse to be helped. However, there is something that can be done about the risk he is to others - I think you can report the drunk driving on the Crimestoppers website by filling out an online form and it’s all anonymous.

Summerslimtime · 30/04/2023 07:52

I would focus my attention on the gf and baby. She will need support. Obviously she might not accept it...

She does actually need to kick him out. Does she drink too?

Original poster
Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 08:06

PepperSalt · 30/04/2023 07:33

@Willyoujust I really feel for you but this is one of those times when you need specialist advice about how best to respond. Following the advice of random people online could do a lot more harm than good.

More knowledgable people will come along with other suggestions but this might be a good place to start:

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/alcohol-support-services/support-lines

Good luck x

Thank you. This is really good advice. I will get in touch with them and see what they suggest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 08:07

MissyB1 · 30/04/2023 07:44

This was my brother about 15 years ago. He ended up on the streets (gf kicked him out, and he lost his job). Only when at rock bottom, and totally destitute, did he agree he had a problem and needed rehab.

He did live in rehab for 6 months and had intensive treatment. They then supported him in finding somewhere to live and setting up his own business. He’s been dry for 10 years now and his business has done brilliantly. He’s a totally different person. But he had to lose everything before he would face up to it all.

I am so pleased to hear your story had a happy ending x

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyoujust · 30/04/2023 08:08

PepperSalt · 30/04/2023 07:37

@Willyoujust but listening to what people really think might involve hearing you the most unhelpful thing imaginable from clueless strangers!

Why not start a thread on Relationships if you want to connect with people with lived experience of alcohol? And put ‘alcoholism’ in the thread title next time so that it attracts knowledgeable people rather than randoms.

x

I am new to Mumsnet. Didn’t realise different boards had different audiences. Thank you

OP posts:
yoga4meinthemorning · 30/04/2023 08:11

You should report the matter to social services. He's a risk to his child.

That should give him the wake up call he needs.

Changingplace · 30/04/2023 08:11

What an awful situation, tbh if you don’t think he will listen to you I’d be offering support to the girlfriend and considering speaking to social services, this is no life for a baby to be living in.

Holly60 · 30/04/2023 08:17

I would see if you can get your parents or someone to have your son so you can do and talk to your brother face to to face.

I would let him know you are really worried about your niece and that you are going to reach out to your SIL.

I would follow up with a message, offering your support but also stating again you are going to reach out to SIL. You can either work as a team with him, or you can focus on SIL and Brice, depending on whether he is ready for change.

Then contact SIL and offer her your support.

That way none of it is behind his back and he has a choice about what he does.

IrritableVowel · 30/04/2023 08:18

My dad is an alcoholic, sober about 35 years now. He didn't stop drinking until I was about 6. He had to decide himself. Didn't matter what my mum said/pleaded, or if my sister and I were around, or what other family said.

My mum realised it was beginning to impact us kids. Told him he had to go. Meant it. He checked into rehab that week.

But it was his choice. Mum had made her choice not to tolerate it any more. He wasn't going to see us daily, if he kept drinking. That was his turning point. He decided the drink wasn't worth that. Nobody could have made him or convinced him.

You can plant the seeds OP, but until he is on the bones of his arse looking up at what he has lost, he probably won't take notice.

Holly60 · 30/04/2023 08:19

SIL and niece, that should say.

If you do decide to contact SS you need to let him know that is what you are going to do. You also need to speak to SIL about it.

If you decide it's the right thing, you need to do it but you can explain to them first and give them a chance to take control of the situation.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/04/2023 08:20

I@Willyoujust I'd suggest posting on this board for more experienced advice. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support
I don't think texting him will achieve anything. I know you've said his partner knows she has the families support, but it might still be worth reaching out and telling her that and that she has that support no matter what. It might not seem as clear to her.

Alcohol support forum | Mumsnet | Mumsnet

Want to stop drinking? Need help with an alcoholic family member or friend? Get advice and support from people in similar situations.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support

Effingmagicfairy · 30/04/2023 08:20

Report his drink driving to the police, there’s a young mum locally to me, currently with life changing injuries/ in a coma having been hit by a drunk driver, she managed to push her pushchair out the way, baby is ok, but baby and 2 other children without their mother. Doesn’t matter he’s your brother, would you want him to have this scenario on his conscience. Next time he gets in a car having been drinking - report him.

bellylaughter · 30/04/2023 08:21

We have been through similar with a close relative. I dont think she would have listened if we confronted her and she would probably have just tried to hide it even more. Fortunately she recognised how destructive she has been to herself and her family and she has finally asked for help on her own. A lifetime of a road ahead but we will help her every step. I hope your brother has a similar epiphany and gets some help. Good luck op.

SallyWD · 30/04/2023 08:29

Having lived with an alcoholic for 9 years (my ex) I know that nothing anyone else says or does makes any difference. It's very sad but that's how it is.