To tell my brother that I am worried sick?

[Willyoujust]

I really need some advice about what to do about my younger brother.

He has had a problem with drug and alcohol misuse since he was a teenager. Have suspected he was an alcoholic for years. Over the last 2 years it seems to have got progressively worse with alcohol (I don’t think he uses substances anymore). Him and his girlfriend had a baby about 10 months ago. He did not cope very well with the change. His girlfriend told my mum that she started to find empty bottles of gin (previously was beer and cider).

She managed to get him a space for treatment at a rehab clinic about 6 months ago…he would have to live in as dependency very high. For some reason, he did not go. Apparently stopped drinking so much.

I do not see him very often…once a month maybe. The last few times I have seen him, it is very clear that he is under the influence of alcohol. Blood shot eyes, generally looks awful, behaviour off, could not keep hand still when trying to show me a photo on his phone, stinks of alcohol.

He drives in this condition. I’m worried sick he is going to kill himself, his girlfriend and child and other road users. My niece growing up with an alcoholic father. It is breaking my heart. I worry about his health deteriorating and leaving his family alone. I worry about his girlfriend kicking him out and him ending up homeless. I feel like he’s spiralling out of control and I don’t know what to do.

I have been thinking about sending him a message to see if he would consider getting some help. If I tried to call him, he would probably put the phone down on me. There’s no point doing it in person as I always have my son with me when I see him, and he would start shouting. He has an extremely short fuse and is very volatile. He doesn’t take too kindly to anyone asking about his life or ‘interfering’. My husband thinks it’s pointless trying to get involved and won’t make a difference. Probably make things even worse. I feel like I should say something instead of ignoring the elephant in the room. Maybe he would reconsider rehab? Or is that wishful thinking?

WWYD?
YABU - Don’t say anything - it is his life.
YANBU - Send a message

There is nothing you - or his girlfriend - could say to stop him.

What you should do is damage limitation.

He should be banned from driving and to not see his child until he is sober.

At the moment his is going about like a loaded gun. Someone will get hurt.

You need to report him to the DVLA and the police for drunk driving for his own sake. You can do that anonymously. That might force a crisis which is what he needs . It’s the most useful thing you can do.

Beyond that support his girlfriend and child. If he won’t seek help the best thing is she leave him. Again this might help him see sense. Don’t push her though as it will be counterproductive.

Sending him a message is pointless. If he won’t stop for his child he certainly won’t stop for you - and it will probably make access to his partner and baby harder.

… I had a similar problem in my family, so you have my sympathy. It’s really hard.

To be honest, until he decides to make the change and stop drinking, there is very little you can do. You can voice your concerns, but unfortunately it's very likely he won't listen.

His girlfriend and your niece should be your priority right now, you can't help him, but you can help them. Let them know you are there for them, no matter what happens.

I know you want to help your brother, but it's going to fall on deaf ears right now. Offer support to his family, they are living with his behaviour 24/7, its hard (voice of experience! 😐)

My brother was an alcoholic and sadly died four years ago. Nothing I did or didn't do made any difference at all. I went through phases of worrying constantly and driving around looking for him if he didn't reply to my texts/calls. When he did get in touch he used to laugh at the fact I had been so worried. Other times I would go low contact and through it all it never made any difference to his drinking.

He had many hospital stays due to falls and his many alcohol induced health problems, he was offered rehab so many times. He wasn't interested at all, thought he was in control, in denial to the last.

I temper the last time I saw him he looked so ill, he had been sick the previous day and said he wished he could get to the bottom of his health problems. I as so angry and frustrated with him, how could he still claim to not know that alcohol was the cause of it all? I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, refused to listen to him minimise his addiction and walked out the house. He was dead three weeks later. The guilt I felt was overwhelming but with time and clarity I realise that only he could decide he wanted to quit and he never wanted to.

I’m so sorry OP, I have an alcoholic sibling who is literally drinking herself to death, although she still won’t even admit she drinks despite having had her children removed from her by SS. There is nothing you can do to get your brother to admit he has a problem if he doesn’t want to.

You need to report him for drink driving next time you know he is behind the wheel drunk, this is the only way to keep him and his family safe. Losing his license might be the kick up the arse he needs to get himself help. I also think you should reach out to his partner, she must be struggling horribly with this and needs support. You can’t make her feel bad if she decides to leave him or stop him seeing his child if he isn’t able to stay sober long enough. Living with an alcoholic parent is incredibly harmful and your brothers child needs to be protected.

Having been through similar I would report the drink drinking driving to the police and send a message along the lines of ‘Dear brother I know you are suffering and unless you get help you will end up hurting yourself and everyone around you beyond repair. I know getting help seems really hard and even impossible, but I believe you can do it and I will be here for you when you are ready. I love you” Then cut contact and cut getting involved with him directly if you can help it. He probably won’t hit rock bottom until his GF does kick him out. He will be hurting, full of guilt and shame if the alcohol hasn’t wrecked all his feelings yet. It’s a horrible, horrible illness. My DB has recovered and you would never even know that he’d been a severe alcoholic. It can be done but unfortunately in most cases there’s very little intervention you can actually do. He may have an underlying MH condition too but that can’t really be assessed until he is sober unfortunately so it’s a bit of a viscous cycle. Good luck.

You need to report the drink driving. This should be the wake up call he needs and they may offer different services.

A member of my family was an alcoholic and had various help throughout his time of being an alcoholic but unfortunately it was too late for him. He was only in his 40's. He needs help and needs it now. First step is reporting his drink driving so he is taken off the road ASAP.

My brother had a really bad drug problem for a few years. We had no idea he was even using anything until he overdosed one day. It nearly destroyed my family and it broke my parents. He would disappear for days at a time and we would have no idea if he was dead or alive. I would regularly be calling hospitals to check if he was there.

But I learnt the very hard way that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Nothing I did or said made a difference, which included dragging him to the GP for support. No idea what the trigger was but he finally got himself back on track.

Kindly, your message won’t make a difference. You can send him the message so he knows how you’re feeling if you want to, but I wouldn’t expect a positive response.

If he's that abusive to you imagine what he's like to his girlfriend. I would be encouraging her to leave and offering her whatever support you can as a family. He isn't going to suddenly change because you've sent him a message.

the police need to be called every time he is seen getting into a car under the influence of alcohol

He isn't going to suddenly change because you've sent him a message

A family member used to say "oh I wish I could get him in a room and talk to him" Like that was going to make him miraculously suddenly better and I just wasn't trying hard enough.

No, I would not write this. If he doesn't want to stop (or currently isn't able to want to stop)? Then there's unfortunately nothing you can do. And a little message (no matter how kind, thoughtfully written) won't change that.

What I would do:

1. Report the drunk driving

1. Keep up the relationship with DN and her mother. Be a safe adult for this little girl. It was my personal experience that the presence of a stable adult (even "just" as an aunt) can make such a big difference.

Re Nr. 2: if you have the capacity, actually want to do that.... Your children, your health, sanity etc. obviously have to come first.

I am however not an expert and my personal experiences might make me unduly biased.
I would therefore suggest following (or at least considering) expert advice if you can access it.

He is an alcoholic and he knows it. He won't do anything about it until he is ready( which he is clearly not) This make take a year or twenty years, or it will never happen. Nothing anyone can say or do will help until then. Best thing his partner can do is get rid of him.

Send the message.

We had very similar circumstances. He died at 36.

It may make no difference but you'll know you tried.

Maybe also write a letter. Give it to him when you think he's just about sober enough to read it.