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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being stalk by daughter's best friend mum

51 replies

xms · 29/04/2023 19:48

Hi,
have a problem with a school mum, my dd (has 8 yo) best friend mum more precisely!
She doesn't talk to me directly she send messages through her daughter to my daughter to give it to me, beside we cross each other on school drop outs and pick ups.

She being very insisted on playdates at her house, and by pressure we have 3 playdates already, but the playdate at my house was not so great as dd friend was not polite and kind of a bully to my dd.
And monopolize all the attention and all the toys not be able to accept any play suggestion that my daughter has and take her will to matter, being kind of rude and jealous, crying all time when her needs not fulfilled.

One of these days i caught her mom following me to see her i live, caught her following me to a store , and when i look at her she just walk away with no words.

A couple days the two where invited to a birthday party, and when it was time to pick them up, again no words but i know she took a picture of my car.

My work schedule kind of change in a meanwhile and i have to put my little one in a after school club, and after a week she put her daughter on a same after school club even she is a SHM.

maybe i am be paranoid?

The thing that scares me is that she do not change a word with me but manage to find any info about me with asking or try to connect.

i am being weird.

OP posts:

sadieshavingashindig · 29/04/2023 20:05

You're not being weird, but stalking can make you feel like you're losing your mind. How does she communicate with you when the playdates are arranged? It weird that she can arrange these playdates but then not engage with you on other occasions. I think you'll need to completely wind down the play dates, especially as her kid doesn't sound very good natured anyway. Start keeping a written record of the incidents, which do sound odd although might be hard to prove. Have you thought of confronting her - perhaps ask why she photographed your car?

cadburyegg · 29/04/2023 20:05

How do you know she was following you home / into the store? She might just have been going in that direction anyway. Lots of school parents "follow" me on the way back to my house because they're going for a walk round the village, not because they want to see where I live!

It's not unusual for parents to put their kids in wraparound care the same days as their friends, if they want them to be happy there. Doesn't matter if she's a sahm, maybe she needs the time for whatever reason.

The car thing is weird but that's the only thing that stands out. Her dd sounds a bit bratty but that's a separate issue. If she's that bad then the friendship will fizzle out soon enough.

You do sound paranoid tbh

sadieshavingashindig · 29/04/2023 20:06

OK sorry I missed the bit about her sending messages through your daughter. That will need to stop for a start! If she wants a play date she should contact you directly.

Tandora · 29/04/2023 20:07

Obviously it’s impossible to say as we are not in your situation, but this sounds like a highly implausible situation. It’s normal the other mum would be proactive in trying to organise play dates if your kids are bfs. A lot of your OP focuses on the behaviour of her child while in your house, which has nothing to do with whether mum is stalking you, so I can only assume you focus on this so much because you have a strong dislike for this child ? From the outside it looks like your dislike of the child, and your wish to avoid her mother, is clouding your judgement here and causing you to be paranoid.

drpet49 · 29/04/2023 20:09

sadieshavingashindig · 29/04/2023 20:06

OK sorry I missed the bit about her sending messages through your daughter. That will need to stop for a start! If she wants a play date she should contact you directly.

This. Something doesn’t add up. I wouldn’t send your daughter again OP.

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 20:36

Because she lives far from school
, She come by car and I live near to school.. she follow me and when I look back she turn around and went to the opposite direction the same as the shop

The two playdates was arrange by my husband that he didn't know the situation.... That happens after the playdates.

And I told him and he did make a big deal of it, but the photo of my car and the after school is kind of weird the kid only goes one day per week when my goes every day.

For me seems like a playdate force as I don't have time available

OP posts:

LittleDonkeyKong · 29/04/2023 21:02

No more playmates and ignore her. Some people have too much time on their hands.

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 21:09

And maybe, it could be my paranoid talking, ... And it's ok to be a sahm and put the kid on after school club , it's not that I am struggling ou judmental... But it's a lot of coincidence that just now after I put ,ynon the after that she needs time to herself???

OP posts:

mainsfed · 29/04/2023 21:14

Have you definitely stopped the playdates, OP?

Deathmetal · 29/04/2023 21:18

One of these days i caught her mom following me to see her i live,

But doesn’t she already know where you live cause her daughter’s had play dates at yours?

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 21:19

Yes I didn't after the third one just stop for good!! But she still wanted, because I don't have time free she find out which after club my DD is and put her daughter there too... My is been there for almost 3 months already and just now her friend start going one day per week

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 21:21

That "stalking" to find where I live was after my daughter had a playdate on her house

OP posts:

mainsfed · 29/04/2023 21:22

xms · 29/04/2023 21:19

I think just ignore her. Give her zero response, she will get bored and move on to someone else.

Does your dd know not to invite anyone for playdates without asking you first?

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 21:25

Yes she does... But because she want to play with that friend and my husband didn't see the problem and somehow I thought after that playdate is "paid" that mother would calm down, but still

OP posts:

Museya15 · 29/04/2023 21:28

I had this and it left me in tears, it was so stressful as the mother was relentless, I could be really assertive with her and she would never leave me alone. Worst experience ever. You have my sympathy.

NicLondon1 · 29/04/2023 21:55

I’m a little confused… have all 3 play dates been at her house or at both houses? How does she talk to you at the pickup times?
Finally, if she is a weird stalker, could she have serious mental health issues? (Would you be concerned for her own daughter’s safety)?

winterchills · 29/04/2023 22:07

How come you dont say hi and have conversations with her? She's probably not stalking you just a coincidence. I would try and chat wjth her and work out if she is an absolute wierdo or not!

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:25

Both houses... She doesn't talk much... Just ask if everything is ok and done... One of playdates I invite her to come in she said no... And stay at the building door

I try to say hi and morning a couple of times but she just ignore.... But she talk in front of me to my daughter....and one day she gave her chocolates.... And ask her if she wants to come to her house.... Which I reply ...well not today if tha happen the mums needs to have a talk first.... Which she just shake her shoulders and walk away

OP posts:

Putyourdamnshoeson · 29/04/2023 22:29

I'm going to say it. I am guessing that English is not your first language. Does she struggle to communicate? Is she shy of that? Perhaps she can't process what you are saying (not saying that is your fault) hence using odd tactics. Any possibility?

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:31

Even the first invitation for playdate on her house she was right next to me and she didn't say nothing... Soon the kids were out of the classroom she approach my little one and gave a paper with her phone and address.... That time I though it was weird but I gave the Benefit of the doubt... But then that following and the recent car photo rings my bells again

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:34

None of us are English.... And it is simple conversation so I don't think she does not understand when I say for playdates mum needs to agree between them....
And she understands because she made a paper invitation... The problem is she don't talk directly to me or even my husband... Just by notes or txt msg when was to confirm playdates

OP posts:

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 22:37

She sounds awkward and shy. She might have followed you that one time to see where you live because she didn't feel comfortable asking, but I wouldn't say that means she's stalking you. If the play dates have stopped then I think she's probably just trying to help her daughter to spend time with her friend by putting her in ASC one day a week. I don't see why she would need to take a photo of your car. You don't even know that she did.

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:40

I am shy as well but in that kind of situation you need to make an effort by the sake of your daughter and uncomfortable situations... That paper situation she could give it to me instead of my daughter as we both are waiting in play area in school on pick up...side by side

Even if she is shy she didn't need to talk just could give the that paper and I will talk to her ... Not give to my daughter and walk away

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:43

The photo I am not sure... I am just relying on info that her daughter told to my...

And I have serious doubts that info is made up... If it is what s the point?
.

OP posts:

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 22:48

You don't know why she isn't comfortable talking to you though. Maybe you're scary. Maybe she has an abusive husband who won't let her talk to anyone. Maybe she's ND and finds social situation too difficult.

If you don't want to have any more play dates then don't. If she keeps trying to arrange something tell her no because of your work schedule you won't be able to organise any more play dates..

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