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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being stalk by daughter's best friend mum

51 replies

xms · 29/04/2023 19:48

Hi,
have a problem with a school mum, my dd (has 8 yo) best friend mum more precisely!
She doesn't talk to me directly she send messages through her daughter to my daughter to give it to me, beside we cross each other on school drop outs and pick ups.

She being very insisted on playdates at her house, and by pressure we have 3 playdates already, but the playdate at my house was not so great as dd friend was not polite and kind of a bully to my dd.
And monopolize all the attention and all the toys not be able to accept any play suggestion that my daughter has and take her will to matter, being kind of rude and jealous, crying all time when her needs not fulfilled.

One of these days i caught her mom following me to see her i live, caught her following me to a store , and when i look at her she just walk away with no words.

A couple days the two where invited to a birthday party, and when it was time to pick them up, again no words but i know she took a picture of my car.

My work schedule kind of change in a meanwhile and i have to put my little one in a after school club, and after a week she put her daughter on a same after school club even she is a SHM.

maybe i am be paranoid?

The thing that scares me is that she do not change a word with me but manage to find any info about me with asking or try to connect.

i am being weird.

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:49

I understand that... She could be helping her daughter to spend time with mine...

But for me is kind of awkward the way she dealing with it

And to be honest my little one she doesnt like so must some attitudes that her friend has lately....she normally she kind of bubbly and a day spend with her she became nervous as the other one kind of want my little one only attention

OP posts:

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/04/2023 22:50

Try and ignore her, cool it on play dates. If she contacts your daughter or gives her invite then you reply from your phone not through your daughter (can then say can't make it) and tell daughter to tell friend that any arrangement out of school needs to be through parents.

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 22:50

xms · 29/04/2023 22:43

The photo I am not sure... I am just relying on info that her daughter told to my...

And I have serious doubts that info is made up... If it is what s the point?
.

Her child told your child that her mum took a photo of your car? Why would she tell her daughter that?

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:55

I dont think so .... Because I saw her talking to some dads ... She don't have problemas to send msg to my husband with answer to my txt

And I am not scary... I am little and skinny... She is way taller than me and bigger then me....

Never have no one being scared of me....

I talk to other mums without a problem

OP posts:

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 29/04/2023 22:57

I would probably cool it a little with the friendship but the notes could be through google translate or maybe she feels more confident with written English.

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 22:58

BadNomad · 29/04/2023 22:50

Her child told your child that her mum took a photo of your car? Why would she tell her daughter that?

Show quote history

I don't know how it was done .... If it was done....

Maybe the kids was next to her when she was taking it.... Who knows??

But if is true ... Is weird

If not is weird any way why that info was made up and being talked between girls

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 23:00

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 29/04/2023 22:57

I would probably cool it a little with the friendship but the notes could be through google translate or maybe she feels more confident with written English.

Could be... But the note are not complicated...

The first was just date , address and phone number

The nest one were just a simple invitation with date and hour....

So I don't see why need Google translate for that

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 23:04

I know that she had other playdate with other girls and somehow that stop.... I dont know the reason... Just know that the time was not right.... What ever that means

OP posts:

isitshe · 29/04/2023 23:13

@xms you said: the playdate at my house was not so great as dd friend was not polite and kind of a bully to my dd.
Are the girls even friends? Does your daughter have other friends or is she just friends with this girl because she has no-one else to play with, because to be honest, this sounds like the kind of friendship your daughter could do without.

isitshe · 29/04/2023 23:19

xms · 29/04/2023 23:04

I know that she had other playdate with other girls and somehow that stop.... I dont know the reason... Just know that the time was not right.... What ever that means

Do you think she behaved the same way to the other girls as she did to your daughter?
For whatever reason this girl is having problems maintaining friendships, and whilst you may feel sorry for her, it shouldn't be up to your daughter to provide this girl with a social life if it's not good for her. You saw bullying behaviour early on, don't let your daughter tolerate any more. Friendships should be fun, and equal.

Original poster

xms · 29/04/2023 23:38

They are up and down in this friendship...

The moment that my daughter's doesn't want to play any games with her and her friendnfind someone else .. she doesn't care and leave mine alone... But the opposite doesn't work the same...

I already seen tantrums because my refuse to follow her needs and wants...and star crying and push everyone around... Happens on the birthday party a couple days ago

In the beginning mine was kind upset but then I told her that she doesn't need to do want she doesn't want if makes her uncomfortable or sad... It took a while but now she can manage it...and not be upset... Maybe a bit sad for couple of minutes but she always find someone to play or entertainment by herself.

One of the school pick ups my daughter saw someone kid alone in the school playground and went to play a little bit before to go home... Her friend saw and when to push the other kid to the ground and pull mine to her side...

I guess her mother do everything she wants and needs .. no limits... Going to be hard when grown to deal with frustration...

Just saying...

I know nobody is perfect but put limits and boundaries helps grow

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/04/2023 01:20

Why would she need to follow you home to see where you lived - her daughter's been on a playdate to your house already?

Original poster

xms · 30/04/2023 06:45

Was before we had a playdate on my ho

OP posts:

Original poster

xms · 30/04/2023 06:45

Was before we had a playdate in my house

OP posts:

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:08

xms · 29/04/2023 22:25

Both houses... She doesn't talk much... Just ask if everything is ok and done... One of playdates I invite her to come in she said no... And stay at the building door

I try to say hi and morning a couple of times but she just ignore.... But she talk in front of me to my daughter....and one day she gave her chocolates.... And ask her if she wants to come to her house.... Which I reply ...well not today if tha happen the mums needs to have a talk first.... Which she just shake her shoulders and walk away

Stop saying hi/morning to her. Time to ignore and block.

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:10

Putyourdamnshoeson · 29/04/2023 22:29

I'm going to say it. I am guessing that English is not your first language. Does she struggle to communicate? Is she shy of that? Perhaps she can't process what you are saying (not saying that is your fault) hence using odd tactics. Any possibility?

Pretty sure shy people don’t target non-English people by stalking them, following them to their house and taking pictures of their car

Trying to blame this on OP not being English is a bit of a stretch.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 30/04/2023 15:59

This doesn't sound anything like stalking. And I'm not sure the other mum is the weird one here.

Hotfootgoose · 30/04/2023 16:11

Steer clear and stop all the play dates, she is odd and her kids behaviour is suggestive of a lack of boundaries at home. I would avoid her.

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 16:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable nor are you weird.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the things that mum is doing, I would ignore her and make sure that the only contact our child have together is within school hours.

HappyMe6 · 30/04/2023 16:19

Sorry I am getting confused I would be stopping the playdates

AylesBuck · 30/04/2023 18:04

Museya15 · 29/04/2023 21:28

I had this and it left me in tears, it was so stressful as the mother was relentless, I could be really assertive with her and she would never leave me alone. Worst experience ever. You have my sympathy.

Same here! Was awful! I kept thinking I was overreacting but I wasn’t, she was crazy. I tried to nip it in the bud but it only made the situation worst.
Not sure what to say to OP. Try to cut her off completely, be blunt, but if she is one of those property ill people, be ready for it to escalate.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 30/04/2023 18:14

If her daughter has a bit of a temper or is demanding maybe it was the child asking to go to after school club because your dd went?
She might be keen to have your dd on play dates because other children don’t want to play with her dd. Or maybe the mum is working her way up to you having her dd for sleepovers. Had this with a school mum who insisted her dc was my dc best friend and her dc so so desperately loved coming to our house, could she leave them with me while she and DH went away for the weekend?
Ignore the mum, hopefully your dd will make other friends.

Horsedoglover59 · 01/05/2023 08:35

Is she like this with other mothers, or is it just you and your daughter she seems to have targeted?

Outgrabe · 01/05/2023 09:10

You say neither of you is English — is it possible that part of this is different languages and cultures contributing to misunderstandings? I could entirely imagine someone socially isolated, not a native English speaker, and from somewhere else, not grasping the usual process for initial play date invitations and handing the invited child a paper with their address, phone number and a date.

Original poster

xms · 02/05/2023 12:27

Before I accepted to do playdate ( by pressure).... That mum and child was insisting every day ... Bit never ask the kids just come to me saying I am going to X house now.... Which I was constantly saying not until someone responsible talk to me first... And her mum was right next to me and she just grab her child shake her shoulders and walk away not saying a peep...

Next day the same just gave chocolate to my dd and she came to me saying she found to X mum and have a sleepover..... And I said no.... Like I said her mum needs to talk to me.... As she walk pass and ignore...

Then came the paper invitation... And by pressure I thought I was being unreasonable with my dd and I let her to went to her house....

And then the " stalking" start... To see where I live and follow me to stores after school pick ups. Without buying anything.. Which I didn't make a big deals but the constantly insisting on playdates and waiting for my little one to be picked has sometimes I was late.

I understand kids to spend time together and all but the thing is she didn't know my life ( as she doesn't know untill now).... She doesn't know if I need to go somewhere or I have time to let the little one play extra minutes after school....

Sometimes is not possible...

Again by pressure ... A playdate on my house... For me was "paid"....

She invited again.. but this time invite for all day as was half term.... Which I said no... For 2 hour is enough...
my dd went for it came upset for the playdate.

Suppose to be my turn to invite back but to be honest I don't feel like or have time for...

So she keep waiting for me on drop out and not saying anything...

As I didnt invite back she put her child on the same ASC...

There was one situation on social event for the little ones... Has she was looking a chair to seat and I offer one from my table and get up to give her... And she just pass me like was invisible.... And the suppose car photo taken... It scares me...

I understand people are shy but if you want to socialize or at least your kids need to make a effort at least talk to the responsible...

I don't have problem with other mums just her...

Maybe could be underline will not make friendship with her as I seem her to be kind of rude... And make me judgmental.... But I guess most people take the hint...

Never had any misunderstanding with other mums or kids... Just this one is annoyingly rude...

OP posts:

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