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Original poster

With the parents of my child’s bullies

59 replies

Buttons232 · 29/04/2023 17:54

I’ve set up a separate account as I want this to remain anonymous. This week I discovered that my child’s friends have been bullying them online. They have sent numerous threats, told them they will beat them up, get them, posted videos of people being murdered and shot, called them vile names, goaded them etc, etc, etc. my child was unable to go to school as a result and eventually told me why. I went through all of the online content. It was horrific. School have seen all of this, called and sent it to parents and have dealt with it really well in a very short space of time.

The issue is that the parents of these children are my friends, some of them very close friends. On informing school I then sent a very conciliatory message to the parents involved, saying that I hoped we could deal with this without it coming between us. There were no accusations just “this has happened, I want to let you know what I’ve done, I hope it doesn’t come between any of us and that we can deal with it as adults” Two have responded brilliantly, taken on board what’s happened, apologised etc. One is very much minimising it. Two others have completely blanked me. I haven’t tried to contact them again. I’m trying to put myself in their shoes but the longer it goes without any acknowledgement, the harder it is not to become angry about this. Thx

OP posts:
noworklifebalance · 29/04/2023 20:10

*no (not know)

Tigofigo · 29/04/2023 20:15

This is awful sorry OP

So was this all online, so 5 children bullying yours?

I imagine there was one goading the others to do it. Not that it excuses it of course. Bet it was one of them that hasn't responded.

I disagree with PP that the parents felt ashamed and awkward so didn't know what to say etc. If that's the case they need to grow the fuck up and have some empathy.

Having said that, the parents are not the child. There are lots of reasons children may bully and not all of them are due to bad parenting. Presumably they are secondary age?

JaninaDuszejko · 29/04/2023 20:24

I think @Buttons232 has handled it well so far. If I found out my DC were bullying another child I'd be mortified and would want to a) apologise to the other parents and b) make sure my child understood why their behaviour was unacceptable. I'd be heartbroken if my friend cut me off because my child had behaved badly to their child. I've always told my children they need to treat others with respect.

I think though you need to accept the end of the friendship with the parents who haven't responded. Children can make mistakes but adults should know better.

thatone · 29/04/2023 20:34

I am so sorry this happened to your dc. I would not bother any more with the minimiser and the ignorer. Any decent person would be wanting to apologise and check that your dc was ok.

drpet49 · 29/04/2023 20:35

PotKettel · 29/04/2023 18:26

OP I think you need to foster your anger actually. You wanted to smooth things over, when their nasty bullying kids have been systematically destroying your dc’s life? Why??? I would be furious with their kids and I certainly wouldnt want to stay friends.

This

RandomMess · 29/04/2023 21:16

It's easy for you to believe that your child has never been the perpetrator but honestly social media is the work of the devil. I would have left school to deal with it all.

I had it with my youngest she did something on SM and got hauled in. The kid who was apparently "innocent" was a very bright controlling kid who got up to all sorts and never got caught but geez she was as the same as the rest and no innocent bystander at all.

None of this was bullying though tbh.

It was all queen bee stuff and my DD was vulnerable enough to be used as the pawn.

This does sound like your DC has been subject to group bullying which is horrid. I really hate all the harm SM does.

AlexandraMarch · 29/04/2023 21:25

I wouldn't, couldn't, be friends with anyone who's children were threatening my child. Wouldn't matter if they apologised or not.

Original poster
Buttons232 · 29/04/2023 21:29

drpet49 · 29/04/2023 20:35

This

Show quote history

Thanks for your messages everyone. They’ve helped loads.

So, I don’t want it to come across as my friendships taking priority over my DC’s well being. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I am f*** furious with what I’ve seen and how DC has been treated by so called friends. It’s abhorrent and there’s no denying it when you see the content. It’s straight up, barn-door bullying . 5 kids targeting 1 other who is trying , begging at times for them to leave them alone. I’m really shocked, disappointed and angry that given the abuse dc has received, and the content they've been shown, could even consider minimising or denying. I wasn’t expecting them to react in that way.

I guess my reason for reaching out in a conciliatory way is that while I absolutely hate their behaviour, they’re kids. Kids get it wrong and it’s all about learning. While they’ve got it terribly, awfully, disgustingly wrong on this occasion, I wanted to give them a chance and I wanted their parents to know that. It’s interesting that the minimiser and the ignorers are the parents of the kids who were the ring leaders! I think on reflection there aren’t many boundaries, their behaviour has been permitted and it’s probably easier for them to deflect, minimise and ignore rather than guide their kids to being decent human beings.

I think you’re all right. I have no control over how they parent their children and no control over how they respond to this. As disappointing and upsetting as that is, I’ve done all I can. I will take this as a way of sorting the wheat from the chaff and protecting Dc and myself from those that don’t have our best interests at heart.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/04/2023 21:32

Yep kids will be kids I hope the parents are just taking stock rather than being utterly in denial!

Hope your DD is ok Flowers

piedbeauty · 29/04/2023 21:33

DowntonCrabby · 29/04/2023 17:57

You’ll come out of this knowing who your true friends are, the rest won’t be worth the shit on your shoe. Flowers

Hope your DC is ok.

Totally agree. Unfortunately.

Best wishes to your dc. What a shitty thing for these 'friends' to do.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2023 21:37

*Good on the ones who have faced things head on. Their kids will hopefully learn from this and become good adults

This is the thing. If a child of mine was involved in bullying I would want to know so that I can address the issue and teach how to behave better. However, we had a problem with my dgd being bullied and the parents were much more interested in what must be wrong with dgd than dealing with their children's behaviour.

We changed her school and she is a well-loved member of the community where she goes now.

MakesMeFeelSad · 29/04/2023 21:38

Some people will always try to minimise or ignore what their children do, I wouldn't bother with them anymore.

My year 7 ds was attached walking home from school the week before last by 5 boys 3 who he didn't even know . And grey filmed it which we managed to get hold of

I don't know the parents but my adult ds knows the instigators dad and has talked to both the mum and dad so I know they are apologetic about it all and are (apparently) taken it seriously

The other dc that ds knows has written a letter to him saying sorry so either he regrets it or his parents are unhappy with what he did , maybe both

The other 3, nothing at all from any of them . If it was my child attacking other children I'd want the school to pass along how sorry I was as their parent and how serious I was taking it but nope. Nothing

ChickenDhansak82 · 29/04/2023 21:40

How old is your DS? At secondary schools kids are taught that cyber bullying on this level can and will be reported to the police!

I'm.a teacher and I know many parents who have quite rightfully got the police involved when they found vile messages on their child's phone!

Simianwalk · 29/04/2023 21:40

God this was me. I now have some ex friends. It's times like these you sort the wheat from the chaff.

cansu · 29/04/2023 21:48

Randomness
had it with my youngest she did something on SM and got hauled in. The kid who was apparently "innocent" was a very bright controlling kid who got up to all sorts and never got caught but geez she was as the same as the rest and no innocent bystander at all.

None of this was bullying though tbh.

Classic. So your dd said something mean on social media and the school let you know. But it was OK because the other child was as bad but not caught!

No one thinks their child is ever at fault or if they are, the others are just as bad.

RandomMess · 29/04/2023 21:52

@cansu my DD was punished by me and at school. I never said it was ok or acceptable.

However this was ongoing throughout primary and secondary and a long long long history of Queen Bee behaviour of several girls and their parents would never see the bad in their DC.

I was never happier than when after the last indecent my DD withdraw from the pack as she finally saw how she was being manipulated by all of them.

Original poster
Buttons232 · 29/04/2023 21:55

ChickenDhansak82 · 29/04/2023 21:40

How old is your DS? At secondary schools kids are taught that cyber bullying on this level can and will be reported to the police!

I'm.a teacher and I know many parents who have quite rightfully got the police involved when they found vile messages on their child's phone!

They’re Y6 so not quite secondary age. I did consider getting the police involved. Some of the content would have warranted that. This is why I’m finding it so hard to believe they could even question it. There was no questioning that content and they were all shown it, in detail.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/04/2023 21:58

Y6 😳😳😳😳 what SM are they using?

I hate it

pinkdelight · 29/04/2023 23:34

I wouldn't see it as blanking you yet. Give it some time. You're all shocked by it no doubt and there's a reason these things are best handled through the school, even when parents are friends. First reactions are always indicative of how things will pan out over time. Let it sink in with them and focus on your DC, aside from your own relationships. Must be very hard though, I understand that.

pinkdelight · 29/04/2023 23:35

*first reactions aren't always indicative - that should've said

electriclight · 30/04/2023 04:01

I'm a teacher and sadly this doesn't surprise me at all. Many parents cannot accept that their child has done something wrong and seek to defend, minimise and deny.

I have three sets of parents like this this year - when a teacher has witnessed their child's bad behaviour, they ask what the other child did to provoke them, or say that their child reacted to something the school did wrong (they're bored and not challenged enough, they're struggling and not supported enough). It is baffling at times. And sad because you are right that children are still learning and will do so if the adults in their lives show a consistent response. If a teacher tells them that their behaviour was wrong but a parent signals that it wasn't, or was justified, or was understandable, then they don't learn and ultimately suffer for it. I only say this so you know that this won't be personal op. They will be like this whenever they learn that their child has done something wrong.

I guess you will find out whether they are really friends or not op, and hope your child recovers soon.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 30/04/2023 04:06

You really need to report this to police, your child needs to know you are protecting them in every way possible

katemulberrybush · 30/04/2023 08:58

Bullies are usually cowards and these young people have learned their behaviour from their parents

There's no reason to stay silent. Apology is always the reaction regardless of the ins and outs of the situation They have made themselves look like fools

GP75 · 30/04/2023 09:01

Forgot them they're not friends and now you know where their delightful children get it from.

hettie · 30/04/2023 09:07

Just to say, we had some bad bullying in primary school and initially (it turns out) the parents were not given all the detail. The school told us that they'd "spoken to the parents"....Is it possible they haven't seen the detail/actual content? If they have I'm afraid you'll have to accept you've lost those so called friends. I was amazed at what some people would excuse in their child but actually if you think about it how would yr 6 kids get to that age thinking that that behaviour is acceptable? Only answer is to have hopeless or morally dubious parents....

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