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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

With the parents of my child’s bullies

59 replies

Buttons232 · 29/04/2023 17:54

I’ve set up a separate account as I want this to remain anonymous. This week I discovered that my child’s friends have been bullying them online. They have sent numerous threats, told them they will beat them up, get them, posted videos of people being murdered and shot, called them vile names, goaded them etc, etc, etc. my child was unable to go to school as a result and eventually told me why. I went through all of the online content. It was horrific. School have seen all of this, called and sent it to parents and have dealt with it really well in a very short space of time.

The issue is that the parents of these children are my friends, some of them very close friends. On informing school I then sent a very conciliatory message to the parents involved, saying that I hoped we could deal with this without it coming between us. There were no accusations just “this has happened, I want to let you know what I’ve done, I hope it doesn’t come between any of us and that we can deal with it as adults” Two have responded brilliantly, taken on board what’s happened, apologised etc. One is very much minimising it. Two others have completely blanked me. I haven’t tried to contact them again. I’m trying to put myself in their shoes but the longer it goes without any acknowledgement, the harder it is not to become angry about this. Thx

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 29/04/2023 17:57

You’ll come out of this knowing who your true friends are, the rest won’t be worth the shit on your shoe.

Hope your DC is ok.

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 18:13

These people are not your friends. block and ignore x

cansu · 29/04/2023 18:23

Many people are unable to accept criticism of their kids and will deny any evidence of their kids' behaviour. Even if they initially accept it, they will start to look for justifications. E.g. Oh well, their dd has been mean to mine many times before. That teacher doesn't like my child etc etc. As a teacher I have seen it many times. You will need to write these friends off. It is too difficult for them to accept their dd has been unkind or it is embarrassing.

PotKettel · 29/04/2023 18:26

OP I think you need to foster your anger actually. You wanted to smooth things over, when their nasty bullying kids have been systematically destroying your dc’s life? Why??? I would be furious with their kids and I certainly wouldnt want to stay friends.

mexicanandafewdrinks · 29/04/2023 18:29

if they're not going to apologise then they dont see the issue, and they see no problem with what your son has gone through. they sound horrible you dont need them

Pinkflamingopants · 29/04/2023 18:29

They should be deeply ashamed of themselves and their children. They don't sound like people you would want to be friends with. Personally I'd be livid and I wouldn't be sending and "hope we can still be pals" messages. They should be grovelling.

DrHousecuredme · 29/04/2023 18:36

Unless these parents are utterly horrified by what their child has done, apologised and taken immediate steps to deal with it, then the reality is that they can no longer be your friends.
Get as angry as you like because ultimately this is where your child needs to know you back them 100 %.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/04/2023 18:43

Maybe they feel that they can't be friends after what has gone on?

Just remain civil and polite; if the friendship falters so be it.

Doobydoo · 29/04/2023 18:46

They should have contacted you and apologised!

Speedweed · 29/04/2023 18:54

You won't know for a while now things are going to be, because for now you have to back your child 100%, which means none of these people or their children can come into your home, or know anything about what's happening in your or your child's life as you never know what titbits can fuel bullying, however innocently passed on. For all of them you have to have their friend 'security clearance' levels reduced from close friend to acquaintance.

Then you focus on your child. Once your child is back on an even keel, then look at how these people have dealt with what happened - the onus is on them to demonstrate they can come back into the circle of trust.

It will be a process that will certainly sort the wheat from the chaff friends wise....

Bookworms88 · 29/04/2023 19:08

I agree with @cansu after a year of relentless bullying of my dd, I confronted my ‘friend’ who’s dd was doing the bullying. She refused to see any wrong despite there being clear evidence and school informing her. She even refused to accept that I witnessed her dd push my dd in the playground. Apparently I must have been mistaken! She’s the type of parent who believes her dc can do no wrong, she calls her dd little princess. Another dc was involved and the other parents were apologetic, they didn’t really do anything though which annoyed me. They got karma when 2 months later their dc was being bullied by the princess.
I used to see this friend a couple of times a week but it’s been months since and I haven’t seen her. I’m still angry and I don’t want to. As it happens she told another friend that she is lonely because I still meet others in our group and they don’t bother with her now. Not because of what happened to my dc, but I’m not sad it worked out that way on it’s own. Maybe she will learn from it.

Anyway op you need to let these friends go. I don’t have time for ineffectual parents and my dc come first. As a pp said you can’t now invite these people to your home or events as that would be unfair on your dc. Not always but I have often found that the apple does not fall far from the tree, you have seen their true colours so it’s no loss to you.

CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 19:19

It's not necessarily right of them not to respond at all but I do get it, I can be really awkward and don't always know the right thing to say and sometimes end up not saying anything for that reason.
If I had just found out my DD was doing something like that I'd be so disappointed and ashamed and confused so they may have just been dealing with that in their own way but found the longer it went, the harder it was to bring it up again to you.

If the next interactions between you and these friends are awkward or they're funny with you after this, then that sucks and I'd think maybe they're not as close a you hoped but if it were me I wouldn't necessarily write them off just yet. (Although in fairness, I'm pretty naive 😅)

Carla224 · 29/04/2023 19:27

They might be taking a cautious approach while they get to the bottom of everything.

If it hasn't yet been a full week - give it time. If by next month you haven't heard anything, then yes the ones that didn't respond aren't your friends, or even decent people.

cansu · 29/04/2023 19:36

Here we go... getting to the bottom of everything means finding a reason for why their child did something unacceptable.

choccytime · 29/04/2023 19:44

Are you mad ,why would you still want to be friends with them

Rogue1001MNer · 29/04/2023 19:48

You sound like a lovely person @Buttons232

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 19:50

You shouldn't have smoothed things over as if the situation was ambiguous or you'd also been at fault. The parents of the bullies should have reached out to you after the school showed them the evidence as they are friends of yours and you deserve at least reassurance that this won't happen again.

Good on the ones who have faced things head on. Their kids will hopefully learn from this and become good adults.

Some people can't stand their children and parenting being scrutinised. They do not believe that their child is human and can do the wrong thing sometimes. Ignore these fools - they are no friends to you.

Hope your son is ok.

pfftt · 29/04/2023 19:52

cansu · 29/04/2023 19:36

Here we go... getting to the bottom of everything means finding a reason for why their child did something unacceptable.

Yes. Finding a reason. That is not the same as finding an excuse. Absolutely the parents need to understand why their dc thought it was ok to behave like this and teach them. Hopefully that's what is happening and they will come to you soon. If not, then a) they aren't good people ti have as friends b) it's not surprising that their dc behave like this. It may well be that the parents are the reason.

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 19:55

I don't think that you need to give time to "get to the bottom of things". The bullying behaviour needs to stop immediately and if the parents had been slack with phone/tablets then they need yo examine how to move forward. The phones/tablets should have been turned off if there are mitigating circumstances like the bully temporarily living with gran because mum is away on business.
Sorting things out quickly rather than dragging it out is important for OP's son and the bullies. If their child has deleted conversations then screenshots can be sent quickly to establish details about what has been said. I would be both embarrassed and furious but committed to turning things around with my child.

cansu · 29/04/2023 19:57

This is the issue. Kids are unkind to other kids. They often do not even know why they have done it other than because they could and the other kid annoyed them in some way. If my child said nasty things on social media the first thing I would do is apologise especially if I knew the parents. Their silence suggests they do not accept their child is in the wrong.

QuintanaRoo · 29/04/2023 20:00

Chances are their kids have spun them a yarn, that your dc started it, they were just retaliating, etc. Some kids will try to bullshit their way out of everything.

Effingmagicfairy · 29/04/2023 20:01

This type of bullying happened to my DD, we had to move schools, you need to put your DC first completely, how can you even contemplate trying to smooth things over, ok you’ve had 2 apologise but the others forget it, I wouldn’t be able to trust any of the DC ever again around my DD. My DD’s bullies put her and us through hell, they can rot in hell, I’m a couple of years down the line and I still get really angry about it.

Kissedbyfire1 · 29/04/2023 20:03

My friend’s son was a bully at school. His victims’ parents complained and the school took it up with my friend as well as acting upon it in school. My friend’s reaction was to phone the victims’ parents and explain to them exactly why they were out of order, needed to chill and recognise that if e.g. their child was a redhead they should expect to have the mickey taken .
She was having none of it when I told her that she was totally in the wrong. Some people just will not tolerate any criticism of their kids.

limoncello23 · 29/04/2023 20:08

It's sad but not unexpected . People have a really difficult time adjusting to the idea that their child has behaved terribly. The two parents that you've described as being brilliant are worth holding on to, let your expectations of the rest go and focus on supporting and protecting your own child.

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2023 20:10

Whilst I applaud the balanced way you are trying to manage this situation, now is not the time to be balanced and fair. You need to show that you absolutely 100% have your DC’s back and that includes cutting off those who show know contrition for their DC’s bullying of him.

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