Ex in my house again

[gohomepleasenow]

M stuck in my garden needing the loo and my ex is lording it in my house, uninvited by me.

Spilt 8 years ago, had support from dv, social services and school to get him out. Our sons are now 18 and 15 and I support them alone with him paying minimum/almost nil child maintenance, which only began last year when I stood up for myself.

He keeps inviting himself to my house to see the boys, today I'm enjoying gardening am in down-time mode and hear the door, it's him.

Oh the eldest is coming down he says when I pop through the back gate. Eldest has just been away and is back from abroad today, exes excuse is he's here to see ds1 and catch up. I don't want him here point blank. He knows this. He caught me off guard so I just went back into the garden.

I asked him a couple of months back to stop coming in the house. And here we are again, I'm out of sight down in the garden and I can hear him up on the patio telling ds1's girlfriend all about his medical issues.

How do I look after myself and not be unreasonable to them?

Aibu to stop them socialising in my house. I feel trapped and unsure of where to get help.

I'm not a woos, quite the opposite but I'm afraid of going up there and being the party pooper and telling him to fuck off, nicely.

I just don't want to walk through the house to go to the loo feeling exposed in an old gardening dress and wanting my own space.

He lives 10mins away and had his own place. I'm furious and afraid I'll not handle this well while I am (obviously).

Help, it's a horrible replay of all those years, all this time later, thank you x

How does he get into the house? If your DS’s are letting him in tell them that he can see them but is not allowed into the house whether you are there or not.

Thanks for reading and posting, really appreciate it. I have, they let him in. Now he's in and I - and it would seem only me - wants him gone.

Your children are old enough to understand you don't want him in. Just tell them.

Bite the bullet and ask him to leave and remind DCs in front of him you are a long time divorced and this stops now - he can host them or they can meet somewhere mutually convenient that's not your home.
People might be unhappy today but if you don't say something you'll be unhappy every time he's over. Time your DC's respected you and your space more.

Honestly you need to go in., tell your DS and his GF you need a minute alone to talk to their Dad.
you tell him (not ask) to leave and make arrangements to see the DC at his.
if he refuses- tell him it will be a non mol order coming his way.
you also need to have another discussion with your DC, acknowledging they of course they want and need to see their Dad but due to the past issues this has to be at his.

You need to have a sterner chat with your sons about letting him in. Do they know of the history and how it impacts you still?

Sounds like you have turned things around for yourself and that you're in a better place now. You're incredibly brave.

For now though, you have to get through this without losing your cool. It's your house, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's riling you up.

He can invite the kids to his! Tell him to fuck off. I would call the police if he’s harassing you to be honest. He’s just trying to cling onto a tiny bit of control over you. Stop him.

At 18 your son is old enough to understand your instructions. He's also old enough to be asked to leave.
You're other son in a minor. I don't know your whole backstory but if Social Services were involved and there was evidence of DV I'm surprised he is legally allowed in your home. Wouldn't this be a Safeguarding concern?

Have you done the Freedom Programme? This can be done on line and can help you recognise manipulative behaviours and nip them at the bud. It's about empowerment and assertiveness. Speak with SS or pay around £15 to study on line. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Doing it now I front of everyone will mean no one can argue about the full intent and meaning of what you will not stand for anymore.
Tell them all calmly he is no longer to be invited I to YOUR house that YOU pay for so if they want to see their father they need to do it else where.
Your sons are old enough to know better.

It's your home. I'm so angry for you!

You need to speak to your sons, explain that it’s unacceptable for them to invite him into your house (regardless of him being their father) and set boundaries.

If they want to see him, he can meet them in a cafe or he can go to their house. There is no excuse for them inviting him into your home like this. Even if it is their home, they need to respect you and your boundaries.

Thank you, I went up, said hi to gf who was in sitting room, and ds and he were looking at photos on ds's phone. I said hi, I understand that you want to catch up but there are cafes and you have your own place to arrange this in and I have to make it clear that this is not the place to do it. I said I have had this conversation with you before. Ex said I'll leave then, yes was surprised, I said thank you and went up to the loo. I did not go for the word alone option because then it eliminated the need to reiterate what happened to ds from us both, with ds there he knows what was said.

Thank you for the support!!!

It's a very lonely place, and ex is going to feast on this for a long time. Ds and gf have gone up to his room, I'll speak to them later.

Shaking subsiding, nearly in tears in the loo. Good grief just like all those years ago and for all those years. Thank you all Xx

Its your house and you need to be 100% tough about this and come down on the boys like a ton of bricks.
Your ex chose DV not you.
Call the police, get him chucked out and tell your boys that it is YOUR home and if they want to meet him they go elsewhere to do it.
Fuck me!!!

Well done you.

When you speak to DS and his GF, make sure to reiterate that the DV team had to get involved with your separation from his father and that the gf should ensure she is never alone with your ex as he has a history of violence against women.

You need to push that point home for both her safety and yours.

Is your 18-year old asking him in?

@gohomepleasenow
Well done and don't be afraid to speak openly to your DS. Your house, your rules on visitors. Calm & firm 💪

Good for you, well done! Have a chat with your lads and lay it down once and for all.

Well done, that took some serious guts.
Make sure your son doesn't put you in that position again.

This is what I was going to say.

Good for you! Very brave! Now pat yourself on the back and wash your face and make a vow to keep being brave in the future. You acted and you got what you wanted—that is a big part of your story too! You escaped a bad marriage and you raised your kids yourself! You have a deep well of courage to draw on and when you do you can move mountains.

as for your ex—who cares what he says or thinks? Before you think of him or see him or interact with him or discuss him with your sons just meditate on choice phrases like “boring old fart” “ whining needy cheapskate” “lazy tedious git” and that inner contempt will radiate out from you and transform the interaction.

Also when you speak to your son, ask him what would happen if his girlfriend's ex came into his house and settled himself down for a chat.

You've handled the situation really well.

It is so understandable you feel the way you do. What a fright. He invaded your safe space and this would have brought up all of your fear and trauma again.

Look after yourself kindly, and do things that helps you feel better.

Your sons absolutely can meet their dad at his house or elsewhere. They are both old enough to do so and understand the very important reason why. It's a very important boundary for them to respect.

I feel you can contact police if he comes onto your property. Let your sons know you will do so if it happens again.

If there was a person bullying your child at school/work/wherever, then you invited that bully to your home, how would your child feel?
so they need to be mindful of your feelings too

Why? How is having a grown-up, honest conversation with him about the situation not enough, why introduce some arbitrary, hypothetical situation? Why are you assuming her son is dense?

I think you need to have a brutal conversation with your sons.

He is never to enter your house again.

I would also call 101 for advice.

Do not accept this.

I would be telling both your sons that if they want to move to live with their father, they can.

But he is never to enter your home again.

Your sons are old enough to know this.

I would be deeply unhappy with them too.

You need to involve the police and report him.

This is pure intimidation.

You poor woman.