Ex in my house again

[gohomepleasenow]

M stuck in my garden needing the loo and my ex is lording it in my house, uninvited by me.

Spilt 8 years ago, had support from dv, social services and school to get him out. Our sons are now 18 and 15 and I support them alone with him paying minimum/almost nil child maintenance, which only began last year when I stood up for myself.

He keeps inviting himself to my house to see the boys, today I'm enjoying gardening am in down-time mode and hear the door, it's him.

Oh the eldest is coming down he says when I pop through the back gate. Eldest has just been away and is back from abroad today, exes excuse is he's here to see ds1 and catch up. I don't want him here point blank. He knows this. He caught me off guard so I just went back into the garden.

I asked him a couple of months back to stop coming in the house. And here we are again, I'm out of sight down in the garden and I can hear him up on the patio telling ds1's girlfriend all about his medical issues.

How do I look after myself and not be unreasonable to them?

Aibu to stop them socialising in my house. I feel trapped and unsure of where to get help.

I'm not a woos, quite the opposite but I'm afraid of going up there and being the party pooper and telling him to fuck off, nicely.

I just don't want to walk through the house to go to the loo feeling exposed in an old gardening dress and wanting my own space.

He lives 10mins away and had his own place. I'm furious and afraid I'll not handle this well while I am (obviously).

Help, it's a horrible replay of all those years, all this time later, thank you x

Well done OP. I think you need to have a chat to both your DS and his GF (perhaps an outside perspective can help persuade your DS of how important this is). Explain that it is ok if he wants to see his dad, but you divorced because of domestic violence and abuse, and having your abuser in your safe space - your home - causes you serious distress and brings back memories of some of the worst times in your life. Explain that his dad may be a good dad to him, and you and your ex are civil to each other but now he is a grown-up he is able to understand the grown-up reasons why you do not want him in your home.

Well, he seems happy enough to let his Mum's abuser into her house to chat to his girlfriend...

There's no need to waste 101 time if your sons now understand. When they are both at home sit them down and talk to them about this. Make sure that they are completely in agreement and commit to not letting him in again. If it happens again (it had better not!) find your anger. Go straight to the door, or wherever he is and state clearly that he is not coming in/must leave immediately.

It is time that your children understand that domestic violence was involved so there is a reason for this.

Well done to you, sorry you had to endure this intrusion. Your son's need to be explicitly told what occurred with your ex to make him unwelcome in your home. If they are unhappy they can leave and live with him, doubtful they would be welcomed and subsidised.

Your children are at the age where your ex doesn't need to come anywhere near your house!

And tell your kids not to let him in as it's your private space!

Very well done love , I’m not surprised you’re shaking. I am in a similar situation but DS is still primary age so I can’t explain…but you certainly can and hopefully it will allow your DSs to not just understand but also stand up for you. Hugs.

I am divorced , although I never suffered from domestic violence. My son is an adult and since he seperated from his partner he lives with me. Although he and his children share my home, we have agreed that his father is not welcome here and they meet elsewhere. I don't hate my ex, I would just rather not see him. Ever. You are not unreasonable at all.

@gohomepleasenow

Sending you a huge hug OP. It took courage to order your Ex out of your home, which should also be your safe space.

I hope your sons understand that never again can their abusive father cross your threshold and how important this is to you. They are old enough to make arrangements with him to see him outside your home. I wish you, and your children, a better future. 🌹

In your place, with children, particularly sons, I wouldn't hesitate to go hard line on this issue.

It is YOUR house and you will NOT have the man that abused you near it.

Any difficulty with understanding that and you will help them pack.

I have children around that age and they are more than capable of understanding such an instruction.

Your sons need to be crystal clear on this point.

Well done.

Your children are old enough to be told your ex is not allowed in the house, end of discussion.

Urgh! Controlling bastard. Tell your children it’s your home and your space and he is not to enter it. Probably, he will put pressure on them to be allowed in and will make comments along the lines of ‘but it’s your home too’. Totally true, but until they pay the mortgage, it’s yours and you have final say. Be firm and consistent. Be clear that if you need to, you will use the Law to back you up with a non-molestation order.

Ypu may find a Ring doorbell helps change things as he can be recorded behaving badly. It made a huge difference with my ex who used to literally pull out any rubbish he could out of his car when picking up our children and dump it in my rubbish or recycling bins and then have the audacity to comment on how I was drinking too much, or eating too much takeaway or using high end cosmetics or toiletries so didn’t need maintenance. He’s not done it since the ring went in!

You're strong and you stood up for yourself, well done. The tears are fine, they are in private. Your sons and the girlfriend need to be told very firmly that he is not allowed in the house again under any circumstances. There is no reason they can't go to a cafe, pub, park, his place, wherever. If your eldest won't respect that then he needs to move out.

You dealt with that amazingly. Let your sons know he is not to be invited in ever again. Remind them why.

Hugely grateful to this wonderful community, thank you.

What surprised me the most is just how ready and available those emotions and that emotional state were ready to be activated. Just goes to show me why this house being my sanctuary is non-negotiable.

So, I spoke briefly to ds and his gf after and took myself and the dog out and met up with a very good friend and a walk in the sunshine. Ds1 was fighting his dad's corner a bit but now I'm back home the atmosphere is easier, perhaps they've talked no doubt, and anyway it hit me when I was out, I am honestly prepared to distance ds1 should he not respect my wishes. We shall see how the dust settles in their minds, mine is clear.

Some great advice here and words of strength, in some ways his blatant intrusion today is going to have been a gift, and I feel a quiet new strength and self respect for drop kicking the arse over the hedge.

Definitely a final dig in the garden and bath.

Bloody Nora, 8 years, now the penny drops down another level. Thank you all again X

It’s not your ex’s house. If your ds doesn’t understand that, you need to explain why you don’t want him in your space. If ds doesn’t like that, tell him to go to his dad’s. He shout-out be in your safe space.

I think a video bell would be a great idea.

Delighted to read you will adopt a hard line with your son.

How disappointing he would defend his father, definitely offer to help him pack.

I really mean that.

Allow NO ONE, not even your sons, to come between you and the peace you have hard won.

I would have to say to DS1 that you love him very much but if he ever decides to invite his father into your house again, even outside you will have yo phone the police and then help him pack a bag so he can move out because you won't have anyone, even your children disturb your peace.

This is his home, but it is your house and he doesn't get to invite anyone without your permission.

Ur ex is not interested in his kids, he is coming round purely to see u, do some control manipulation on u and let u see he is still there, still about.
Have ur sons know and tell him next time he comes round to your house, you will be phoning the police to have him removed. Tell them under no circumstances, even an emergency does he come over ur door. If they are not happy tuff shit.

Following as my XH uses my son as a key to my house too. The police didn’t attend when I ended up 999ing it as he got aggressive and wouldn’t leave. My DS15 is very enmeshed with his dad and his family say if I don’t want him there I should hide in the bedroom until he goes.

My only advice is to do what you need to do to stay safe and be kind to yourself for making the best decision in the moment. Hugs xx