To think DC1 is more likely to be neurodiverse than DC2?

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My DH thinks DC1 is NT, and has concerns about DC2 I think the opposite.

DC1 (7)
doesn’t make much eye contact, doesn’t ‘hear’ when we call his name repeatedly, has never been interested in pretend or role play, doesn’t sing or dance, emotionally shuts down, has signs of OCD, struggles to let us know why he’s upset.
otherwise he’s quiet, intelligent, doing very well at school and teachers haven’t raised any concerns.

DC2 (4)
none of the issues above, interacts emotionally, sings, pretends and is more playful, very chatty

• however, naughtier and doesn’t seem to care about any consequences
• very very high pain threshold (never flinched at any needle, bashed his head and it was bleeding and he didn’t notice)
• is ‘ahead’ of his peers and very intelligent, very quick learner and always has been, reading, writing, maths, general knowledge etc
• excellent cognitive ability

nursery teacher says he is very advanced, he gets bored sometimes which may explain the behaviour, again he does like reward but doesn’t seem to respond much to consequences either which she struggles with.

DC1 is quieter and more compliant most of the time, DH thinks he is NT and there is ‘something up’ with DC2.
AIBU to think he may be wrong here?

Do either of them have to be?

By those descriptions alone, I would say both are NT. This sounds like a very weird conversation!

Could be both.

If they are ND, DC1 sounds more ASD, and DC2 sounds more ADHD. The conditions are related - run in families / people have both, so it's possible.

Who is more like your husband? I'm going to guess DC1!

The conversation started with DH talking about DC2 that some of his traits/abilities are not typical. I responded to say that if I ever had emu concerns, it would be about DC1 and we just need to keep an eye if it starts to affect him more and he needs any support. He shuts down a lot for the tiniest thing, forgot to add he also has sensory issues so won’t wear a coat, much prefers shorts etc. can be a massive issue if we ask him to wear something other than his usual preferences

Believe me, many of the things you’ve described ARE typical. Behaviours in children is a massive spectrum, and it does sound a bit like you’re both ticking off a checklist of ‘symptoms’.
Surely the important things about your children should be - are they happy, are they doing ok in school / nursery, have the professionals they come into contact with expressed any concerns.

It could be both or neither. What are DH specific concerns about DC2?

Have you had DC1 hearing checked?

Could be both or neither. I have 4 children who are ND and while there are a few common traits (such as they all have spd) they are all very different.

Not sure what you mean. Sorry if not clear but they’ve not been diagnosed or assessed, it’s not affecting them too much, it’s okay to still be aware of as they get older and develop, things may change, right? What if they do have e.g.ASD and a diagnosis could mean an adjustment (e.g. can wear shorts) is accepted by the school?!

They may both be.

DH thinks DC2 is just too far ahead of his peers in everything and it’s unusual. I don’t think DC2 is ND, I think he’s bright and a quick learner, but the main reason it stands out is that he’s a September born, some of his ‘peers’ are a 6m-1yr younger than him! Obviously an average kid who is not yet 4 can’t read, write and do maths. But it’s more
conceivable with DC2 who ‘exceeding’ on the EYFS and is almost 5!

DC1 hearing is fine! He just zones out and switches off most of the time

The only concerns raised by professionals are DC2 pain threshold, e.g.
at his jabs the nurses notice
the nursery staff who have to keep a closer eye on him for accidents,
an A&E doc was surprised he wasn’t in pain when he broke his foot a few years ago and didn’t cry!)

Oh and for DC1, a health visitor mentioned about no pretend play and to keep an eye on it.

Tbh, with DC2 my only serious concern is something like appendicitis- that’s a worry

I think a lot of the behaviours you describe are related to being the oldest / youngest child. Most of the oldest siblings I know tend to be quiet and studious while the younger ones are louder and naughtier!

They sound like NT kids. People are so desperate to stick a label on every kid these days.

OP, if they're otherwise happy and healthy, I would stay off google and just get on with your lives. I say this nicely! 😊

If at some point something flares up which is negatively impacting them, then defo address your concerns with a GP.

This.

I have a different perspective which is that it sounds as though there are some indicators of neurodivergence in both children and that if they are neurodivergent, it is likely to be important for their own understanding of themselves, and self esteem, to know that. I’d keep an eye though and consider assessment if you think it’s apparent enough that they’d meet diagnostic criteria.

Neurodivergence can become more apparent as they get older but even if it isn’t causing difficulties for others, it can cause internal difficulties.

Sounds like you and dh are the ones with issues. What a weird debate to have...

Not really imo. Neurodivergence runs in families. DH and I had different opinions on which child may be neurodivergent. In our case they both were and so was I.

I’m afraid this is one of those threads that makes me feel that very soon what’s considered NT is going to be such a restricted little norm that we are all ND. I sat at lunch with 2 other mums a few weeks ago. One said their DC liked everything ‘apart from pears’ because they didn’t like the ‘gritty’ texture and the other one started telling her this was a ‘sensory issue’ and was there anything else she was ‘concerned about’. There was almost bit of a row. Talk about putting 2 and 2 together and making 600

Agree

Unless there was a family history of neural diversity conditions - I really don't think any of that would raise concerns yet.

Age often makes things clearer - so it wait and see situation - and in end both could be ND or NT.

Starting to get annoyed by the number of people who just automatically presume their child is neuro diverse - is everyone just trying to claim DLA?!

I've got an autistic kid and can't for the life of me work out why everyone wants one.

Oh and he's the same with me, school, other adults, other clubs. If your kid is "masking", and no one else see's an issue, there's probably a high chance it's parenting style that's to blame and they're simply running rings around you.

Teachers see your child for six hours a day. Six. If teachers have no concerns, leave the child alone. You are allowed to just be quiet ! If your other child is naughty, sort it out.

If DC1 doesn't hear when you call their name but have normal hearing, there's a condition called Auditory processing disorder. It doesn't show up on hearing tests as the issue is the brain not being able to process sound.

Have you read much about masking?

If you have an autistic child, you’ll know that DLA is needs based, not diagnosis based.

It’s not about wanting the child to be autistic, or not wanting them to be either. It’s about wanting the child to grow up with the understanding of their own neurological wiring that will hopefully avoid the mental health issues that so many adults who grew up with undiagnosed neurodivergence suffer from. When we don’t understand something as children, we blame ourselves and internalise more negative labels.

It’s well recognised that children can mask in school, leading to a Coke bottle effect when they get home. What you are saying isn’t supported by any of the research based evidence.