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AIBU?

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Original poster

Messages from Men who Won't Take the Hint

34 replies

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:10

Met a man in a group setting last August. Platonic. Met him maybe a total of five times, always in a group. Haven't seen him since last September.

Despite never contacting him first, he still regularly messages me. The first few months I gave polite responses but said I was busy and always declined to meet.

Then I gave very brief replies never with questions. Still kept messaging.

After two months of completely ignoring his messages, I'm still getting them. I read and delete.

I would block but he hasn't actually said anything offensive. I just find him too needy and have no interest in maintaining contact with him.

I actually know several men who do the same thing. Now I don't have my profile photo on whatsapp and hide my online and last seen from non-contacts.

I try to be polite but some people are so oblivious to hints that I feel they eventually force you to be blunt in a way they'd no doubt claim was cruel. I had mutual friends with the guy above.

YABU - Be polite and tolerate them (the men I know who have this pattern always say they're depressed / lonely)

YANBU - Block them / ignore / be blunt

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 29/04/2023 09:15

You don’t owe anyone your emotional labour. This isn’t even a friend. You’re not interested. Block and move on.

3dogsandarabbit · 29/04/2023 09:17

If it's text messages just delete him from your phone, if it's Facebook just delete him as a friend because he isn't actually a friend. Problem solved.

RichardHeed · 29/04/2023 09:22

What is the problem with saying “you’re a nice guy but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship.”? It’s not “cruel” to decline a date with someone you’re not interested in. And the more you pussyfoot around the more you have to expend emotional energy “being nice” rather than just dealing with it. It’s social conditioning but time to break old habits.

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:31

RichardHeed · 29/04/2023 09:22

What is the problem with saying “you’re a nice guy but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship.”? It’s not “cruel” to decline a date with someone you’re not interested in. And the more you pussyfoot around the more you have to expend emotional energy “being nice” rather than just dealing with it. It’s social conditioning but time to break old habits.

He hasn't suggested he's looking for a romantic relationship. If he explicitly asked me out I could reject him nicely.

OP posts:
Malarandras · 29/04/2023 09:33

Someone doesn’t have to say something offensive for you to block them. It’s your phone you get to decide whose message you receive. If you don’t want messages from this guy block him.

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:33

The other man who does it has a girlfriend he's lived with for years - though he was constantly complaining about her and saying they 'sleep in separate rooms'.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 09:35

I would have blocked both of them ages ago.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 29/04/2023 09:39

I just block and move on.

Someone added me on Facebook who was a mutual friend of one of my friends and shares the same interest.

As soon as I accepted the friend request, he messaged and asked a couple of questions about the mutual interest. I answered those as I thought he was just being friendly. Then he asked if I wanted to meet him for a walk or a cup of coffee that day. I said no as I don't want to meet someone I barely know.

He then spent the day bombarding me with questions, such as I like .... food, what is your favourite food? What is the best meal you have had? I'm going to ..... on holiday? Are you going away this year? What's your favourite ever holiday? I like doing ...... What other hobbies do you have? and so on.

Stopped answering the questions as I was sick of being interrogated then he kept asking if I knew him well enough yet to meet up for a walk. Told him twice that no I didn't want to meet him for a walk. He asked a third time, so I blocked him.

Christmascracker0 · 29/04/2023 09:42

I have been in a similar position, op. I don’t know why the thought of blocking made me feel so guilty but I eventually did and it was the right decision! It took the stress away completely.

BellaJuno · 29/04/2023 09:44

Block without a second thought, I’d have done it months ago. Then deny all knowledge of getting any future texts if he’s ever brazen enough to ask why you e not answered.

EmmaEmerald · 29/04/2023 09:45

I'm not sure if I'd block but don't give your number out.

SunnyLion · 29/04/2023 09:49

Just block them. Problem solved.

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:50

The three main ones who do it now (the rest have taken the hint and stopped):

  • Guy in OP (Met at a social meetup group. I went solely to make new friends while working remotely, following a break up. I suppose I feel slightly guilty since the group did cheer me up back then.)

Guy with gf - worked with him on an in person night shift job in 2020. We became quite close friends then (stayed in touch after I changed jobs) partly due to lockdown. However, when he started inserting me into his relationship issues ('my paranoid gf thinks you're attracted to me' - I definitely wasn't and told him clearly) I deleted his number.

Ex boyfriend from over a decade ago - haven't contacted him first since last September. Still messages regularly asking to meet. Dated him on and off for a decade.

So I'd say not having blocked yet is mostly out of guilt.

Though I feel silently annoyed every time they message.

I wouldn't mind hearing from them once a year with no expectations.

OP posts:
SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 29/04/2023 09:50

BLOCK - obviously.

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:51

EmmaEmerald · 29/04/2023 09:45

I'm not sure if I'd block but don't give your number out.

The guy in the OP had taken it from a whatsapp group of about 40 people who attended events we both went to.

I had a lot of men do that.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 09:56

Why are you allowing them to intrude upon your life and peacefulness? They annoy you.

You. Don't. Owe. Them. Anything. You owe it to yourself to remove people from your life who are toxic to you.

EmmaEmerald · 29/04/2023 09:58

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:51

The guy in the OP had taken it from a whatsapp group of about 40 people who attended events we both went to.

I had a lot of men do that.

Show quote history

Yes, I sympathise

I just find it better not to join the WA groups though, I'm not comfortable with people I don't know having my number. So I'm just thinking, if you can find a way round that, it would be great.

Usually leaders understand that and someone will keep you updated without you having to share your number.

Christmascracker0 · 29/04/2023 09:59

I think also some people just don’t get the hint and you need to specifically say “I’m not interested, please stop texting me”. Tbh it’s just good to be honest and say these things in general.

Would it help to try that approach, then block if they continue?

LemonjeIIo · 29/04/2023 10:02

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:33

The other man who does it has a girlfriend he's lived with for years - though he was constantly complaining about her and saying they 'sleep in separate rooms'.

You just need to woman up. Why are you listening to some random blokes chat??? Block them, delete their number and stop playing their games

LemonjeIIo · 29/04/2023 10:04

Christmascracker0 · 29/04/2023 09:42

I have been in a similar position, op. I don’t know why the thought of blocking made me feel so guilty but I eventually did and it was the right decision! It took the stress away completely.

You felt guilty because as a woman we are programmed to not upset people

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 10:10

LemonjeIIo · 29/04/2023 10:04

You felt guilty because as a woman we are programmed to not upset people

Show quote history

I know it's genuinely a problem for me. I saw a therapist about it a year ago.

Gave the example of a drunk guy on the train one evening who kept trying to make conversation. I'd give a polite response and go back to what I was doing. Eventually I gave up and listened to him. He randomly tried to kiss me when he walked past on the way to the door.

The male therapist was shocked that I hadn't just said "I'm trying to read" etc.

In person it's normally easier to be polite since you don't know how they'll react.

I've changed my privacy settings after reading the posts (no profile photo for non-contacts) and will block the guy in the OP and ex)

OP posts:
Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 10:11

LemonjeIIo · 29/04/2023 10:02

You just need to woman up. Why are you listening to some random blokes chat??? Block them, delete their number and stop playing their games

Show quote history

He's mostly messaged about his job over the past few months, though I've changed my privacy settings today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 10:32

So I got this right after changing my privacy settings today. No profile photo, no read reports, no last seen or online. I'm going to fully block now.

This is what I mean about ending up feeling guilty. It makes it sound like I'm being unreasonable and unkind.

Messages from Men who Won't Take the Hint
OP posts:
legrandcolbert · 29/04/2023 10:35

Not wanting to talk to those who don't want to is neither unkind nor unreasonable.

It is annoying and frustrating that some men don't realise that being part of a Whatsapp group is not a sign that you want to be singled out and messaged individually. When I have been in your position and been contacted by someone I have no wish to talk to, I just ignore them and never respond. Nip it in the bud at the outset.

notsayingmuch · 29/04/2023 10:35

But he is not your pal - there is no vacancy!

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