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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages from Men who Won't Take the Hint

34 replies

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:10

Met a man in a group setting last August. Platonic. Met him maybe a total of five times, always in a group. Haven't seen him since last September.

Despite never contacting him first, he still regularly messages me. The first few months I gave polite responses but said I was busy and always declined to meet.

Then I gave very brief replies never with questions. Still kept messaging.

After two months of completely ignoring his messages, I'm still getting them. I read and delete.

I would block but he hasn't actually said anything offensive. I just find him too needy and have no interest in maintaining contact with him.

I actually know several men who do the same thing. Now I don't have my profile photo on whatsapp and hide my online and last seen from non-contacts.

I try to be polite but some people are so oblivious to hints that I feel they eventually force you to be blunt in a way they'd no doubt claim was cruel. I had mutual friends with the guy above.

YABU - Be polite and tolerate them (the men I know who have this pattern always say they're depressed / lonely)

YANBU - Block them / ignore / be blunt

OP posts:
legrandcolbert · 29/04/2023 10:36

*Not wanting to talk to those you don't want to, is neither unkind nor unreasonable.

JupiterFortified · 29/04/2023 10:39

Just block them. I honestly wouldn’t think twice.

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 10:40

For me with semi close friends, I usually do a how's you been once every Friday to keep communication lines open, then it's a mix if they chat or not.

Talipesmum · 29/04/2023 10:50

I’d just archive the chats with them so you don’t get any notifications, and just ignore.

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 11:10

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 29/04/2023 09:39

I just block and move on.

Someone added me on Facebook who was a mutual friend of one of my friends and shares the same interest.

As soon as I accepted the friend request, he messaged and asked a couple of questions about the mutual interest. I answered those as I thought he was just being friendly. Then he asked if I wanted to meet him for a walk or a cup of coffee that day. I said no as I don't want to meet someone I barely know.

He then spent the day bombarding me with questions, such as I like .... food, what is your favourite food? What is the best meal you have had? I'm going to ..... on holiday? Are you going away this year? What's your favourite ever holiday? I like doing ...... What other hobbies do you have? and so on.

Stopped answering the questions as I was sick of being interrogated then he kept asking if I knew him well enough yet to meet up for a walk. Told him twice that no I didn't want to meet him for a walk. He asked a third time, so I blocked him.

He sounds like he's reading a script called 'How to have a conversation'....so Step 1 Offer a bit of neutral information, Step 2 Ask a topic related Q to allow other person to take a turn Step 3 Respond positively to their answer and ask a more personal Q related to topic...
The problem is as you said it sounds like youre speaking with a chat bot as best or being under interogation at worst.
He clearly has limited social skills. You've not been unkind to just blank him. I'm not a fan of blocking without explanation so in your situation my 'act of kindness' would be to message that you have no interest in being his friend. Maybe suggest he concentrates on fostering friendships with people he feels he has a spark with....ask him not to contact you again and wish him well....allow an acknowledgement, anything after that BLOCK.
Maybe this will prompt him to investigate what a 'spark' is.

chocolatehoovering · 29/04/2023 11:36

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 10:32

So I got this right after changing my privacy settings today. No profile photo, no read reports, no last seen or online. I'm going to fully block now.

This is what I mean about ending up feeling guilty. It makes it sound like I'm being unreasonable and unkind.

It asks you if you want to block - just click block.
End of problem.

I would block but he hasn't actually said anything offensive. I just find him too needy and have no interest in maintaining contact with him

He doesn't need to say anything offensive. If he's annoying you can just block.
Once you've blocked one person you will find it easier to block others. Not wanting to upset someone is deeply ingrained in many of us but if someone else is trampling on our boundaries or not taking the hint that the contact is not wanting then we need to say something or block.

Original poster
Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 11:41

chocolatehoovering · 29/04/2023 11:36

It asks you if you want to block - just click block.
End of problem.

I would block but he hasn't actually said anything offensive. I just find him too needy and have no interest in maintaining contact with him

He doesn't need to say anything offensive. If he's annoying you can just block.
Once you've blocked one person you will find it easier to block others. Not wanting to upset someone is deeply ingrained in many of us but if someone else is trampling on our boundaries or not taking the hint that the contact is not wanting then we need to say something or block.

Show quote history

I've blocked him today.

I felt guilty since before last Christmas he was posting photos of alcohol and talking about being depressed / hinting he was suicidal. I told him to speak to his GP and didn't get into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coconut90 · 01/05/2023 17:06

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 09:56

Why are you allowing them to intrude upon your life and peacefulness? They annoy you.

You. Don't. Owe. Them. Anything. You owe it to yourself to remove people from your life who are toxic to you.

I ended up blocking about 19 people in total.

If I ever run into them (unlikely) I'll say I'm just using my phone for work now. Mostly true - work groups, family and close, long term friends.

Blocked the guys I met from online dating in the past since they had a tendency to randomly reappear.

Even blocked a former friend I was too scared to block. Had barely spoken for months, though she has a habit of lashing out at people. She'd messaged very recently and I regretted responding politely.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 01/05/2023 17:12

Coconut90 · 29/04/2023 09:33

The other man who does it has a girlfriend he's lived with for years - though he was constantly complaining about her and saying they 'sleep in separate rooms'.

Oh dear, his wife/girlfriend doesn’t understand him! Well he’ll have to do better than that!

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