Why is so easy to marry and so complex to divorce?

[SophisticatedWoman]

Obviously it is difficult and complex to divide finances and agree custody of children. Why is it made so easy to enter into a marriage without any legal guidance.

Fair point

Because the government don't want you to divorce

Like any relationship or business, it’s relatively easy to establish and difficult to dissolve due to the financial aspect and tax implications.

I think that before marriage one should have to sit through at least 10 real sample cases of divorce, the process, the outcomes...
But then no high earners (male or female) would get married...

Good question.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

There is less need to focus on the legalities of divorce if people take the time to choose the right person to marry. Also, marriage is a contract in every sense of the word so of course it is not easy to terminate.

Financially, a higher earner will almost always come out worse off than the lower earner/SAHP in a divorce. So make of that what you will.

I think you are missing the real issue. Why do so many people have children with unsuitable partners? Once you have had a child with someone that is the real commitment, not marriage. Yes I know some people change , I’m talking about those who get pregnant/get some one pregnant before they have been in a committed, stable relationship. Or those who have a child with someone who has already proven that they are a terrible parent.
As a side note when I married in a church we did get advice and guidance from the vicar. He spoke openly and honestly about marriage.
If you choose not to marry in a church it is completely different. Who do you think should advice you? The chef who is doing the catering? The barmaid or waiter? It’s not their concern.
Maybe ask your parents for advise but even then that will be biased.

I think you are missing the real issue. Why do so many people have children with unsuitable partners? Once you have had a child with someone that is the real commitment, not marriage.

Yes, that is a much worse problem than a messy divorce with no dcs involved.

As for getting advice about marriage outside of church, do people really need someone to advise them? Must be living under a rock if somehow a person manages to get to marriageable age thinking that divorce is a walk in the park. The info is out there.

Marriage should not be rushed into. Best entered into with a cool and pragmatic head and heart.

Also in the past it wasn’t that easy to marry, not in a church anyway. I remember one local vicar would not marry anyone who lived with their oh or was a divorcee. I remember as a child attending a relative’s wedding at a register office when the only 2 options were;

1. church wedding
2. register office. I had never been to a wedding that wasn’t in a church before this and there was definitely a vibe of ‘Aren’t they rebellious’ about it. Certainly as it was expected that first time marriages should be in church within my family. Also living together was openly referred to as ‘Living over the brush’ by my elderly relatives.

@Daffodilwoman thank god times have moved on.

It's historic. From the days where everyone married and almost nobody divorced.

Because the rights and obligations that arise from marriage have to be unpicked, in, one would hope, a systematic and fair way. You've entered into a legally-binding relationship, giving rise to be property rights, matters around the care of any children, that can't be undone in the click of a finger (in most cases). When you marry, you are deemed, as a competent adult, to have entered into it fully understanding what it involves. Pretty self evident, no?

Because at point of marrying a lot of financial issues arent intertwined and once married it becomes more complicated.

Also a lot of people ought to take it more seriously.

When they brought divorce into Ireland they tried to make getting married a bit harder, basically to avoid people being married too lightly. So you have to give three months notice before you can get married in Ireland. Is there any notice required in UK? Also I think if you want to get married in a Catholic church you have do a prep course first

@midsomermurderess

That's very true, but that's just somehow assumed knowledge.
If you enter any other contract as important you'd get a looong list of Terms and Conditions. (Not that people read them but at least it's there and they could.)

Similarly if you enter into the smallest financial services contract - e.g. a one year insurance contract for your mobile.

That's why I think that people should be given a set of 10 sample cases of divorce, so that they understand what comes with the contract of marriage.
Now if they never read them that's on them.

I didn't find getting married easy.
I had to kiss too many frogs
Go to parties and dinners and balls
Happen upon a male thing I liked (looks and personality)
Hope they would phone me up
Have some dates, agonising over what to wear
Meet their friends
Meet their family
Get to know them some more
Discover their foibles and share mine
Test out their morals, loyalty, work ethic, politics, approach to money, children, art, food, music, drama, literature
Say yes
Organise the church, chat to the vicar
Book the dates
Chose the readings and music
Flowers, cake, orders of service, invitations, reception, etc
Thank you letters
Honeymoon
Pre-nup.

I don't recall it being particularly easy to get married. All happened 35 years ago and I can't comment on divorce.

Success arises I believe from preparation, preparation, preparation.

It's not, why do so many people have children with unsuitable partners - I mean, who hasn't been in a relationship with someone they thought was great and turned out to be awful?

No, the question is, why do so many people think having children is less of a commitment than a piece of paper? You can undo the piece of paper with a divorce, but parenthood binds you to the other person forever.

I suppose the answer is probably the media. We romanticise weddings as 'happily ever afters' and don't talk nearly as much about how some of the ever afters are miserable.

It’s not the divorce though. Even if you weren’t married there’d still be complications dealing with a jointly owned property and children. Perhaps your question should be why so easy to have kids and buy a house together?

Unsuitable partners often don't advertise their bad behaviour until they think they've got you stuck!

I’m not married, no kids. Decided to end it last June -we own a property together so are still living together and I am absolutely scunnered with it. I own 75% of the property but don’t have the cash to buy him out, the property market is slow -no offers yet. He won’t agree to a price drop or to move out even if I pay 100% of the mortgage. He says I’m welcome to move out- but then I will have to keep paying the mortgage and I can’t afford to pay 75% of the mortgage and rent.
im at my whits end and feel fucking trapped. Even if we get an offer tomorrow I’d need to live with him for months until the sale completes. I’ll never buy a property with anyone again. I hate my life.

I agree.

I'm not married. Been with partner 15 years, two kids, three homes, and all that jazz.

Now our affairs are in hand (wills, pensions, power off attorneys and so on) but that is probably not the case for many people.

It would be just as complicated for us to split than if we were married. Fortunately our relationship is going well so far so I’m hoping we will go the distance.

That’s why people should really delay moving in together/having kids/getting married for as long as possible. Gotta try before you buy!

Good point! Maybe the cost of a marriage license should go up to cover a few ante-marriage classes. The number of people on here who get as far as getting married only to be flummoxed by differences of opinion as to if, when and how many children; division of domestic chores; finances pre and post children; relationships with wider family …

It probably wouldn’t have prevented me from marrying an epic cunt first time around though. Sometimes they mask and lie. Plus I was a fucking idiot so have to take some ownership.

I had to do a course. Getting married was a faff. The faff of it almost made it harder to back out. I got married about 10 months after getting engaged but I’ve know people wedding plan for about 3 years. Backing out of a wedding is so awkward people would almost rather get divorced, quietly, a few months later.

Separating most things is harder than assembling them, if you don’t want to go at it with a hammer.

I think we’d be better having compulsory courses prior to conception or buying a house jointly - that’s where the problems lay, not the marriage certificate.