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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny issues

40 replies

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 18:38

I've had a nanny for a couple of months now.

I've been finding her lack of proactiveness a bit disappointing, but I need some advice if it's my fault or if we are a bad fit.

I work from home, which I know can be tricky for nannies. In general,I stay out of the way as much as possible. I only come in during lunch and have lunch with her and my baby and toddler. My toddler goes to nursery 4 days a week, so unless he's ill, he's usually just at home 1 day a week.

There have been some days where I've been around more, because of my work situation too. Sometimes we go out together to the park or soft plays.

The main thing that I'm struggling with is her lack of tidying up after herself / the children and their toys.

I asked her please to tidy their toys ( or get them to tidy ) while the baby naps and also before she goes home and in general too, just to keep on top of it.

At lunch time, she always just sits down and I serve her and the children and do all the tidying up- every time.

She leaves her plates and cups out quite often, which I then also need to tidy away.

I often find that she hasn't changed the babies nappy and I'm uncomfortable to tell her to do it, so when I notice it, I end up doing it myself and she never offers to do it.

I've had nannies in the past, who were very on top of keeping the toys tidy and keeping my babies clean.

I feel like she doesn't understand the basic concept of how you act in a helpful way whilst you're in someone's home / your place of work. I would never allow someone to continually clean up after me.

I'm not expecting her to clean my mess, but she's responsible for the children's mess, while she is looking after them and I often feel it's lacking.

I don't know if it's just a bad fit or if I can somehow talk to her to step it up as bit.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
KoolKidK · 28/04/2023 18:46

Any advice welcome.

Sack her.

I've had nannies in the past, who were very on top of keeping the toys tidy and keeping my babies clean.

Hire that type of nanny.

Original poster
rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 18:49

KoolKidK · 28/04/2023 18:46

Any advice welcome.

Sack her.

I've had nannies in the past, who were very on top of keeping the toys tidy and keeping my babies clean.

Hire that type of nanny.

My first ever nappy would always tidy and sort their toys every single day and during nap time again. She put the toys on rotation for them and always lined them up in a really cute way before she went home. She'd also clean them often too.

We moved, but she was really helpful.

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 28/04/2023 18:51

Yanbu, I've had an awful experience recently and I think it's best to address it rather than let it build up. This nanny seems to not be a good one, so would be pointless even discussing it. She's like this with you there, so you wouldn't want her in charge of your kids without you there. I would definitely sack her and look for someone with actual nanny qualities.

Original poster
rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 18:55

The thing is, she sometimes sees how stressed out I am, trying to keep on top of everything and she still doesn't think to just help to tidy up. She just sits with the kids. A bit like a baby sitter.

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 28/04/2023 19:01

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 18:55

The thing is, she sometimes sees how stressed out I am, trying to keep on top of everything and she still doesn't think to just help to tidy up. She just sits with the kids. A bit like a baby sitter.

I had someone exactly like this. Do not waste your time trying and stressing over someone just because you don't have any other option. That's what I ended up doing. You are paying someone to do a job at which they are failing. And she's doing that with you right there.

autienotnaught · 28/04/2023 19:02

You need to speak to her 1:1. Address your concerns and expectations. Give her opportunity to step up. If she continues give notice

booblin99 · 28/04/2023 19:04

honestly, get a new nanny. if you’ve asked her to do it and she’s still not listening, you shouldn’t be having to pay her

Emotionalstorm · 28/04/2023 19:08

Get a new nanny. My one is fantastic and even cooks dinner for us and gets breakfast ready in the morning eventhough it wasn't part of her job description.

Original poster
rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 19:13

I wonder if she'd even realise that anything is actually lacking or if she just thinks it's completely fine.

OP posts:
I8toys · 28/04/2023 19:15

Have you discussed what you want with her? If not that's on you. I'd give her a chance to reticfy and if it doesn't improve then let her go.

KoolKidK · 28/04/2023 19:15

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 19:13

I wonder if she'd even realise that anything is actually lacking or if she just thinks it's completely fine.

Did you just want a moaning thread? Because that is fine and YANBU if you did. But if not, multiple people (including me) have told you what to do: sack her and get a new nanny. You said yourself you have had multiple nannies in the past who were great and capable so why are you still dithering and acting like you don't know what to do?

Original poster
rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 19:18

@KoolKidK I don't know. It's just a huge effort to get a new one. I had one before who wasn't great at the start and together we managed to turn it around. She needed to learn how to do it.

OP posts:
Emotionalstorm · 28/04/2023 19:18

If you need to spell out everything she is not a good nanny. What if you forget to mention something the next time?

KoolKidK · 28/04/2023 19:34

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 19:18

@KoolKidK I don't know. It's just a huge effort to get a new one. I had one before who wasn't great at the start and together we managed to turn it around. She needed to learn how to do it.

Okay, so just say then, you want a moan! You said you've had multiple nannies who are capable and at least with one of them you managed to turn it around, even if not more. So you know fully well from your own experiences whether this is working or not in the timeframe she has been there. Put emotion aside and your own (paying) expectations first. If it's taking longer and you don't think it's going to improve, then sack and rehire. You know this. Also wondering if you managed to tur it around with the other nanny(or nannies) then surely this involved speaking to them and telling them what to do so why not the same with this one?

Original poster
rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 21:18

@KoolKidK I only had to ' make a list ' for one of my nannies so far. It worked really well and the nanny then just used her common sense.

I feel like the problems are also caused by my presence maybe. In general I've been trying to keep away as much as possible. I feel like my presence makes her sit back.

Maybe that's the problem then ? If the parent is there, does the nanny automatically check out and just kind of sit there ?

OP posts:
OliveWah · 28/04/2023 23:36

It sounds like you have 3 options here:

  1. Do nothing and let her continue to do a shoddy job, while you feel increasingly resentful.
  2. Sack her and find someone else.
  3. Have a conversation with her and set out your expectations.

Option 1 is clearly not going to work for you, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

Option 2 seems like a lot of hassle for you (as you have mentioned you would like to avoid this if possible).

Option 3 is therefore the only viable route for you. You've said you gave a previous nanny a list to work from when she wasn't initially up to scratch and it worked for her, so you should have some confidence in this approach. If it doesn't work, then you have to go with option 2, or learn to live with option 1!

hotdiggetydog · 28/04/2023 23:41

"A problem is a conversation that didn't happen"

Get a new nanny and set out expectations before she starts.

Newmum0322 · 29/04/2023 19:40

rainbowuni · 28/04/2023 21:18

@KoolKidK I only had to ' make a list ' for one of my nannies so far. It worked really well and the nanny then just used her common sense.

I feel like the problems are also caused by my presence maybe. In general I've been trying to keep away as much as possible. I feel like my presence makes her sit back.

Maybe that's the problem then ? If the parent is there, does the nanny automatically check out and just kind of sit there ?

I have a very similar situation, but I love our nanny. she’s so engaging and plays games, thinks of new ways to play every day, takes her out to new places every day, takes initiative, my baby loves her and sends me loads of pics. She’s like a big sister. That to me was so much more important… but she is a little messy!!

When I’m there and making lunch, the default is me. She sometimes tries bless her, but she’s my child and I think it just naturally happens this way. She’s cool about me being home and joining in though, and many nannies I spoke to just weren’t happy with that set up… and she’s never left her in a dirty nappy to be fair!

I’m very happy happy with the 90% that’s working well. Have a think overall if your happy with other things, if your children have a good bond etc… if she’s lacking on other ways then maybe you need to consider your options!

IAmTheWalrus85 · 29/04/2023 20:02

I8toys · 28/04/2023 19:15

Have you discussed what you want with her? If not that's on you. I'd give her a chance to reticfy and if it doesn't improve then let her go.

I don’t think that a nanny should need to be told to change a baby’s dirty nappy.

Original poster
rainbowuni · 29/04/2023 21:24

@Newmum0322 I'm glad things are working out with your nanny. My nanny was also aware that I would be around. Sometimes we spend large parts of the day together, although this will lessen. When I'm working, I stay out of their way and only spend lunch time with them.

It's not that my kids will keep coming to me for things when I'm around, it's more that she puts them in front of the TV while I'm slaving away cooking for all of us or tidying up after all of us. She kind of just watches them, when I'm around. When I'm not around, I think she does more with them.

I think she is also just a bit messy and probably doesn't notice the mess as much as I do.

I've had a couple of nannies. One was really hot on being organised and working hard for her money. She never sat down and if the baby napped and she had nothing to do, she would rearrange my cupboards... she just wasn't comfortable sitting around ( even though I always told her to take a rest ). It was her personality. She was always trying to be helpful.

The other nanny I had would never have offered to do anything like that, but she was very into finding age appropriate activities to do and educational things for my little one. She understood a lot about child development and was amazing at playing with my child. She was so engaged. It was incredible.

They were both wonderful. The second one was also initially a bit messy, but she totally understood after a while and a list, how to be part of the household. She organised the toys every day and would occasionally empty the dish washed if it needed doing.

I'm hoping it will work out too with current nanny. I do think it's an issue when I'm around more. She takes a complete back seat. I will have a conversation about expectations when I am around and if it doesn't change, I guess I'll need to find a new nanny.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 29/04/2023 21:41

Definitely speak to her.

Remember, you are paying her to do a job, she is not doing you a favour.

Don’t be hesitant in getting people to do what you need them to do.

ThisSingleMama · 29/04/2023 21:51

Where did you get her from?

What qualifications does she have? References?

orangesandlemonsthebellsofstc · 30/04/2023 07:55

I think you need to have a meeting with her to review how things are working. I'd say something along the lines of work demands are picking up and you wanted to make sure you were communicating clearly about work roles and responsibilities to be fair to her.

Then go through a list of what is her responsibility what isn't. For example, you could include things like nursery drop off and pick up, taking baby on daily outing, preparing lunch for dc, clearing breakfast/lunch/snack and tea dishes by 5 pm daily into dishwasher, wiping down counters and putting items away. Include things like putting on one load of children's laundry a day and hanging it. Having toys used daily cleared by 5 pm and floor swept.

If little one naps for 1.5 hours, I'd let her know that you want her to take 1/2 that time as her lunch break and she can eat, watch a show, read a book, whatever she does is her choice, but the other 1/2 of that time may include light duties that help the household run smoothly. As for meals, she should be doing lunches and snacks, but could also help with light prep or even putting slow cooker on etc.

Having a nanny can work very well in making the whole household run far more smoothly. But it takes symbiosis that I think can be challenging for people to find/keep. Good luck!

Original poster
rainbowuni · 02/05/2023 10:07

Uh. I'm starting to feel really resentful.

Ranting again.

This morning she comes in and the baby is sleeping. Rather than thinking of perhaps starting lunch or starting on the children's laundry. She just sits down on the sofa and is on her phone for the entire nap. She's just walked in, so shouldn't really have needed a break yet.

I just don't think it's a good work ethic to have.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 02/05/2023 10:17

You’ve got several things going on here, and I don’t think nanny should be written off just yet, actually.

id be interested to know how you’ve got through so many nannies with such young children? What are their reasons for leaving?

You need to let her get on with her job, her way. Stop going and hanging out with them for lunch- of course she’s taking a hands off approach, it’s usually really awkward with a parent (her boss) hanging around. I know no nanny who would be happy or thrive under those conditions. It may suit you, but it doesn’t suit her.

She should be changing nappies enough, but you’d be amazed at how much expectations vary. There’s a high chance she’s come from other families where nappies were left to get very full before changing. Tell her you’re finding there’s lots of wees at the moment, could she change baby more please?

if you’ve found writing a list helpful for other nannies, and this one isn’t very proactive- then why haven’t you done her one already? She can’t know what exactly you want doing unless she happens to just think like you, or she is psychic. Once you’ve done your list, back off with how she uses her time. If the kids are sleeping then don’t begrudge her sitting down! So long as she completes her list, it’s up to her how she manages her time.

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