Nanny issues

[rainbowuni]

I've had a nanny for a couple of months now.

I've been finding her lack of proactiveness a bit disappointing, but I need some advice if it's my fault or if we are a bad fit.

I work from home, which I know can be tricky for nannies. In general,I stay out of the way as much as possible. I only come in during lunch and have lunch with her and my baby and toddler. My toddler goes to nursery 4 days a week, so unless he's ill, he's usually just at home 1 day a week.

There have been some days where I've been around more, because of my work situation too. Sometimes we go out together to the park or soft plays.

The main thing that I'm struggling with is her lack of tidying up after herself / the children and their toys.

I asked her please to tidy their toys ( or get them to tidy ) while the baby naps and also before she goes home and in general too, just to keep on top of it.

At lunch time, she always just sits down and I serve her and the children and do all the tidying up- every time.

She leaves her plates and cups out quite often, which I then also need to tidy away.

I often find that she hasn't changed the babies nappy and I'm uncomfortable to tell her to do it, so when I notice it, I end up doing it myself and she never offers to do it.

I've had nannies in the past, who were very on top of keeping the toys tidy and keeping my babies clean.

I feel like she doesn't understand the basic concept of how you act in a helpful way whilst you're in someone's home / your place of work. I would never allow someone to continually clean up after me.

I'm not expecting her to clean my mess, but she's responsible for the children's mess, while she is looking after them and I often feel it's lacking.

I don't know if it's just a bad fit or if I can somehow talk to her to step it up as bit.

Any advice welcome.

Well is she a qualified nanny with a lot of experience? Doesn’t sound like it.

In her shoes however, I would hate to have to ‘do things together’ with my boss like soft play etc. I’m very much a sole charge nanny and nearly left the profession completist in lockdown, felt like I was nannying the bloody parents as well. Plus if they were free to come to the park or ‘help’ with bathtime or whatever I’d always wonder what the point of me being there was. Completely maddening.

I've had two nannies and it only ended because either they moved or we moved.....

Ive written the list already and it's just not getting through as much as I would hope.

I want to have lunch with my children when I can, if that's a problem, she can leave. Other other nannies never begrudged me of this and were also able to occasionally carry their own plates to the sink and didn't make me clean up after them every day.

I used to have lunch every day with my boss. You tend to even work near your boss, I don't see what the problem is with that, to be honest. We are paying her to do a job, whether we are there or not.

I agree with you on some level though, which is why I'll give it more time. I agree she can do with her time what she wants, BUT because of her general lack of proactiveness, I fear that the things just won't get done today, like it's happened before, many times. But essentially she can take her break as soon as she arrives, I guess that's nothing to do with me.

Not really maddening at all. I find it exhausting taking both my small kids to softplay. I just can't do it. I suffer from a serious health condition which means I get absolutely exhausted a lot. So having an extra pair of hands at soft play or whilst giving them a bath, is worth its weight in gold to me.

Each to their own 🤷🏻‍♀️ I prefer to work alone and am totally capable handling two small children at once. But my previous boss piggybacked on so many days out and activities so she could just be there observing all the fun while I did all the legwork and it often felt like I was there to nanny her too. Never again!

Did she know when she took the job that you’d be having lunch with her/them every day? Does she take them out very much?
I maintain that this may work for you, but not for her.

Other nannies may not let slip that they begrudge it, but I can almost guarantee that they did. A happy nanny will generally work well (if they’re not totally useless- I assume she has got decent experience and references etc?)

Your attitude of ‘if she doesn’t like it she can leave’ says an awful lot about you. She’s not a servant, she should be treated with respect.

To be honest if you’re around to make and tidy up after lunch, do bathtime and go to soft play etc she’s probably wondering why she’s there. Not great for morale.

Incredibly unprofessional. But you need to speak to her, you are her employer.

Its incredibly hard when the Mum is there, it’s like two people trying to the same ‘job’. It always made me feel very uncomfortable, if I did lunch, would she like it etc.

I actually get this bit. When the parent is in the room i automatically default to them being in charge.

I wouldn't sit on my phone, though. Nor would I have them serve and clear up.

But it could be that she's really awkward around you and doesn't know what to do won't herself.

You say you used to eat lunch with your boss, but this is your home not a neutral office space. Can you imagine making and clearing up lunch in another person’s home while they’re there? It’s very awkward.

As a pp said, when I was a nanny I’d assume parents were in charge when they were around. I don’t recall regularly eating lunch with an employer even when they were at home. Mostly they’d grab a sandwich and take it back upstairs to stay out of the way.

I think it’s impossible to stay completely tidy with kids, there’s going to be some toys out or whatever most of the time. And it’s easy to forget a cup.
but if it’s all the time and nothings changing and she doesn’t bother to offer to help, or even change the baby’s nappy then I don’t know if that’s a situation you can improve

id still give her one more chance though. Having been a nanny myself sometimes it was hard to know what people want. I wouldn’t arrange cupboards for example or step in if someone was cooking in their own kitchen, because that seems rude to me. but instead I may offer help, or suggest I cook the next day. Some families wanted me to just watch the children so the children could learn to entertain themselves rather than expecting 24/7 interaction. Others wanted me to be constantly playing with the children. Perhaps she isn’t clear what you want, I imagine you haven’t been clear since you don’t even feel comfortable asking her to change a nappy, which is clearly part of her job.
maybe you need to think about what you’d like and have a conversation with her.

I think you need to step away for a few days and give her the responsibility- you say she behaves like a babysitter but frankly you’re treating her like one. Let her do the job, see if she’s capable. You’ll soon have your answer.

Time to look for new one.

I understand what you mean. I just feel like she doesn't offer to help with much, when I'm around.

But I'll give her a chance. It's better when I'm not around as much. But she knew the deal with my schedule and that I would be around sometimes for lunch and also that we'd occasionally do things together.

I really do need a hand when doing things with my kids. Otherwise I can't take them out much. My husband works a lot, so it's the only chance I get to go out with them, unless a family member volunteers to come with us. Again, she knew this is our set up. She likes to go out anyway, we always get lunch together with the kids and we have a good time together where we talk about our lives / she shares about her life etc.

Of course if she's not happy, she can get another job where the parent is never even home. But this is our set up and she knew.

@NotAnotherBathBomb thanks for your view.

I guess I'm comparing to the others who still managed to be helpful and polite and occasionally helped clear the table, rather than just sat on their phone whilst I did everything.