Was this ok for my therapist to say?

[HypervigilenceSucks]

I had a therapy session for complex grief after my mum has passed away. Felt comfortable with the therapist, all good and felt like she understood my pov. Essentially I grew up being fostered by another family member but my mum was a big part of my life. She does therapy with a lot of people with adoption or fostering family structures.

Therapist observed that I possibly feel I lost my mum early on in my life, and yes I do. She was talking about ambiguous grief, and "how it can be even worse for birth mums or children who were adopted without ever knowing each other, how they lose each other but then wonder when walking down the street if that could be their mum/ child"

Now I totally understand what she was saying and I agree with her, I think she was using that example to explain ambiguous grief.

But was that just another way of saying, oh well others are worse off?

The other thing was when I said how guilty I feel at my mum's death, that I fucked up by trusting what the GP had said originally (there was a mistake) the therapist nodded. Was that just conversational body language or was she in her head thinking, wow what a shit daughter this person is?

She did say (and seemed genuine) that I had done what I could, and done a lot, and sometimes unfortunately we trust somebody and they get it wrong, and I beat myself up and we can work on that.

Honestly I didn't get a bad vibe from her at all, she seemed empathetic and very nice and I didn't think she was trying to minimise my feelings or anything.

I am very wary as have had a predatory (male, though) therapist before years ago as a young person.

Am I just nitpicking due to hypervigilence and anxiety?

Or am I trying to rationalise red flags here?

Have you told her you feel this way?

IMO you are nitpicking. The first point about "how it can be even worse for birth mums or children who were adopted" sounds like clumsy language. For all you know she is mortified and thinking about it and kicking herself for saying it. Or maybe not. But it sounds like a mistake, not an insult.

The second thing is entirely in your own mind, I'm afraid. Nodding along is just something people do when acknowledging they are listening and understanding what someone else is saying to them, it sounds nothing like an affirmation that you are a "shit daughter".

You know it's in your mind but you're just a bit unsure which is why you're asking advice. But there's genuinely nothing here IMO.

No I have not told her. I literally just had the session and then was thinking it over how it had gone.

Is she a grief specialist? It really doesn’t sound like the type of thing a grief specialist therapist would have said. Your grief should not be compared to other peoples misfortune. And your feelings are valid and people take their own time in healing.

Not all therapist are good btw. It took me many tries until I found one that suited me. it’s fine if you feel like you cannot trust her any more and find another person.

It sounds like hypervigilance.

It would be a really good idea to tell your therapist about the thoughts you are noticing.

It is a relief to hear I seem to be nitpicking.

My instinct is that I want to go back and feel I would benefit from working with her.

It's just that then I think, well you really liked Mr X and found him very helpful for the first couple of months but look what he did then...and I get doubtful.

hypervigilance...those of us that are dealing with childhood trauma are hard wired to seek the worst in situations. Be as open as possible to telling your therapist when these thoughts cross your mind - it can be hard to accept that a therapist truly wants us to heal and is "on our side" but equally part of their role is to challenge unhelpful thinking and coping strategies.

Not a grief therapist.

Her specialisation is adoption, fostering and the different losses that happen in those family structures, including bereavement.

I know only too well not all therapists are good. I had a horrifying experience myself.

But I really, really need support, I am suffering so much and can't afford to dismiss someone recklessly due to my own wariness.

Is she Ofsted registered? Only therapists who are Ofsted registered can work with adoptees - even adult ones.

She sounds empathetic. If you got a nice vibe from her, that's your instinct telling you she's someone you can build a good therapeutic relationship with. Sounds like your previous experience is causing you to over analyse the semantics of what she said rather than trust how it made you feel.

did you get matched thru nhs? If so can you please contact nhs and explain this particular therapist is not making you feel safe and comfortable. Explain why to them. They will match you with someone else

Does her name start with a K? If so, PM me.

So much of the power of a therapeutic relationship comes from the relationship itself.

However you feel about people in general, you'll be feeling it with your therapist. Difference is, in this relationship the focus is on you and your feelings, so you have the space to say what you're feeling and explore it.

Tell her you've been thinking about this. Tell her how you've been feeling about it, the way you've been questioning her and yourself.

Loads to dig into here for both of you, and it'll all be useful.

Came on to say this.

How you navigate relationships in real life will often be mimicked in the counselling relationship. If she's a good therapist she will be open to discussing how her comments made you feel and it can be explored as a useful part of your emotional learning.

I agree the therapeutic relationship is very important and where the work of healing happens.

But I don't want to get bogged down talking about that relationship with the therapist in my sessions? How I feel about it and so on.

Honestly, I just never quite understand when I read that - it feels like going off topic, and "wasting" a session.

I want to talk about the key, formative relationships in my life, my family members, and how I feel about them? I mean, that's why I am there.

If it ever got to the point where I dealt with all my family stuff, then sure it would be interesting to explore my feelings about other kinds of relationship dynamics. But that feels like a luxury.

It's a complex situation for you that I'm sorry you're having to experience.

Yes, you did have a Mum, but not one who was able to fully parent you, so you're grieving for that (and maybe feeling you could have been partly responsible in some way?). And then you're grieving for the Mum you have recently lost and feeling partly responsible for that as well?

That's what makes it complex - however, part of grieving for both could be recognising that you have the knowledge and experience of having had a relationship with her, that you can see that as a child, you couldn't possibly have been responsible for being fostered, there isn't a huge gap in terms of knowledge to try and fill in the gaps for. So you know that what happened to you as a child wasn't ever your fault - just as now, it could never be your fault that an expert made a mistake in her diagnosis or treatment.

You did all you could when you were a child just by being you. And you did all you could as an adult.

Your therapist nodded because she understands your regret and feelings of guilt, not that she believes that they are actually what happened - your feelings of guilt and regret and sorrow are real and absolutely valid - but they aren't an actual truth; none of this has ever been or could ever be your fault.

That's what I think she was trying to draw out of you - helping you to come to realise that you are not responsible for any of this. Which can be uncomfortable in itself, as it's challenging beliefs you may have held even secretly since childhood about having done something to cause what happened to you. Does she have anything to gain from this like that previous therapist did? No - her gain is in helping you ease your pain and let go the burden of responsibility for things you could not ever cause or control.

It's all the same thing, though. How you show up in the therapeutic relationship is like a hologram of how you show up in every other relationship in your life – and your reaction to her will be informed by the key, formative relationships elsewhere in your life.

I have a hunch if you raise this, the conversation will quickly move to how and where this hypervigilance or concerns around trust came from, and you'll see how it all connects.

You can also say exactly what you've said here: that you don't want to be talking about the relationship you have with her or waste time on it – that's also useful information for you both to use.

How you navigate relationships in real life will often be mimicked in the counselling relationship. If she's a good therapist she will be open to discussing how her comments made you feel and it can be explored as a useful part of your emotional learning.

But how does that help me process my feelings about my dead mum?

Or the unresolved sense of loss that she was not my primary caregiver as a child?

I am not trying to be difficult but I don't understand how it's supposed to help. I am happily married in a solid loving relationship, I'm not in therapy to help me navigate relationships with my partner or friends.

I think it's also interesting that you've got a female therapist, and you're processing feelings about your mother... whatever feelings you have about your mum will likely be showing up more strongly with a female therapist (in a good way) than if you were talking to a man.

And (I'm saying this with love), it almost doesn't matter if you 'understand' how it's supposed to help ahead of time.

Give it a try and see how it pans out. If you don't like how the conversation develops you can always change the topic – you're in charge of your sessions.

I chose a female therapist because I am in no way comfortable with a male one.

You’re trying to rush ahead with the meaty heavy stuff too quickly. You need to slow down and build a strong trusting relationship with the therapist first, so that when you do get to all the hard, deep parts you feel as safe, open and relaxed as possible.

It’s literally the opposite of wasting time, getting to know the therapist! It’s vital for the success of future sessions.

Slow down.

Sure - and that's great. You chose right for you.

I'm just saying that whatever feelings you have about your mother are likely to have louder echoes in relationship with a female therapist, which gives you a great opportunity to work on and with them.

I've had a few therapists over the years OP, due to complex family situations and bereavements. In my opinion it wasn't helpful or professional of her to compare your grief with others in different situations, and imply that it is worse for them than for you. You are entitled to their own feelings and they should never be compared or belittled. Just the fact that you are now worrying about this rather than processing your own feelings/experiences is not great. I would rethink this one or give it one more go but if anything else like that comes up change therapists. You have to be able to build trust and she doesn't sound like the one for you.

@travelingtortoise Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me, but I still don't get why it's supposed to be useful.

When I try to understand it, I end up going round in circles. Like this:

I have a hunch if you raise this, the conversation will quickly move to how and where this hypervigilance or concerns around trust came from, and you'll see how it all connects.

I mean, it is obvious to me where my hypervigilence comes from. It's not new information.

I know pretty well why I am anxious and hypervigilent and am great at catastrophising. I have joined those dots a long time ago.

I already understand why I am the way I am - I don't need it to be explained to me in the therapy room, I just need to heal it somehow.

To use your words- yes I think you are “nit picking” but don’t squash it down and move on- all the healing and the growth is in recognising and moving towards those moments. If they are a good therapist they will make time for exploration those things in session that triggered you. It sounds like you are doing some great work in therapy OP.