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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he has no interest or am I being silly?

40 replies

raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 09:47

I'm out of the dating game for twenty odd years.
I've matched with someone yesterday morning.
He is very attractive and exactly my physical type and his bio was well thought out and he ticks certain boxes for me eg shared interests, involved father, hard worker, professional etc.
We, in tact, have a good bit in common mutual acquaintances etc.
My experiences on line thusfar have been largely negative where sleazy men have been the order of the day.
So he was leaving work yesterday and asked if we could continue chatting last night but when I messaged him, he was polite ,interested , answered the usual questions through chit chat but then said that he was out with his mates so wasn't getting to chat much to me.
I told him to have fun and we'd catch up again. He 'liked' that response . That was it .
Am I being silly here to think he has no interest in chatting to me and does the fact that he didn't instigate chat when he suggested doing so, mean that he has no interest.
Or was he being polite saying that he was out so could t chat at that time.
Thanks .

OP posts:
Riverlee · 28/04/2023 09:51

I think you’re writing him off too soon. He probably replied whilst waiting for his friends to turn up or were getting a drink, and then when they had arrived, ended the conversation with you. Give him another chance.

Original poster
raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 09:59

Thanks. It's a minefield for me. The dating landscape has changed so much since I was back there in My mid twenties.

I didn't know if he was being rude by not continuing the conversation when we had planned that or polite for saying he had met a few friends and was with them so wasn't getting to chat to me very much.
Hard to know isn't it !

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 28/04/2023 10:08

Just arrange to actually meet soon. He ticks some boxes, you have some friends in common, there’s no point wasting time “chatting” via text. People can be whoever they want online and in writing, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re getting to know somebody by spending weeks texting them.

But I don’t think he was rude. Everyone’s interpretation of “chatting” is going to be different: his was clearly exchanging a few messages when he had a chance, whereas yours seems to have been a full evening game of message badminton focusing on nothing but each other.

Original poster
raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 10:12

Yes that's possibly a good explanation.

I will leave the ball in his court now anyway to see if he messages again today and try to arrange to meet up or whatever.

It's a tough old game !

OP posts:
bureaucracygaaah · 28/04/2023 10:17

Seems to me he was being polite; what would have been rude would have been to just not respond to your messages, assuming he really was out with friends.

Mortimercat · 28/04/2023 10:20

raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 09:59

Thanks. It's a minefield for me. The dating landscape has changed so much since I was back there in My mid twenties.

I didn't know if he was being rude by not continuing the conversation when we had planned that or polite for saying he had met a few friends and was with them so wasn't getting to chat to me very much.
Hard to know isn't it !

I don’t do online dating thank goodness, but I don’t understand why anyone would want to keep on “chatting” with somebody all day and evening and especially whilst out with friends! I think you are expecting too much.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/04/2023 10:21

When you’re at the stage of just having matched and beginning a bit of conversation, that’s not the time to be at all invested in that match. You can have lots of matches on the go and conversations to see which one is a runner - any one of them could just go quiet at any time, and never message again, so you don’t get invested in it at that point.

If you go for a date and like their company, that’s the time to start actually focussing in on one person.

Comedycook · 28/04/2023 10:21

I think you're overthinking a bit

CarrotCake01 · 28/04/2023 10:28

Try not to overthink it, only time will tell.
It would be great if this turned into something but its not the end of the world if it doesn't.
Give it a chance, it might be something great but don't push too hard if you genuinely don't feel it's working.

peachgreen · 28/04/2023 11:02

What would be rude would be for him to be messaging you constantly when he's out with his friends!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 28/04/2023 11:04

Agree with not overthinking things but I’d wait to see if he gets in touch again.

Original poster
raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 11:13

Thanks!
I really didn't expect him to keep chatting
To me while out with friends.
But he had asked yesterday morning ,if I wanted to continue the conversation yesterday evening.
That's why I wondered if he was being rude or polite

OP posts:
Wfhandbored · 28/04/2023 11:15

I wouldn't overthink it! You could message today like 'hi hope you had a great evening! Do you fancy meeting for a coffee/drink this week sometime?' Then you'll know from his response if he's interested :)

MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 11:16

I wouldn’t even consider anyone on online dating to be a real human until we’d been on a date. There is literally zero point in wondering about their motivations. All you’ll do is make yourself appear far too keen (which you do here) and that will leave you vulnerable to all sorts of wankers.

MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 11:18

Wfhandbored · 28/04/2023 11:15

I wouldn't overthink it! You could message today like 'hi hope you had a great evening! Do you fancy meeting for a coffee/drink this week sometime?' Then you'll know from his response if he's interested :)

Far, far too keen when the last thing he sent was a polite dismissal.

Original poster
raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 11:19

@MiddleParking .... a polite dismissal
Meaning he has no interest in pursuing a chat or
Meet
????

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 11:22

raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 11:19

@MiddleParking .... a polite dismissal
Meaning he has no interest in pursuing a chat or
Meet
????

He might do, but he made it clear he didn’t have any interest in continuing to chat to you yesterday evening. For you to follow that up with a) instigating the next conversation and b) asking for a date would come across as seriously desperate. I wouldn’t message him again at all unless he messaged first and even then I’d be fairly cool.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 28/04/2023 11:23

Maybe the meet up with his friends was spontaneous?
Honestly I think he was polite to let you know he was out with mates and therefore couldn't chat. Honestly a lot of men just wouldn't have bothered to reply.
You only matched 24 hours ago - everyones text-ing style is different and as other have said until you meet you really dont know. Chances are he's probably at work now - so I wouldnt necessarily expect to hear form him until this evening.

Try not to over think it (i know easier said than done sometimes) and see if he messages you later. Dont stop looking in the meantime see if you match with someone else too.

gannett · 28/04/2023 11:25

MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 11:18

Far, far too keen when the last thing he sent was a polite dismissal.

Show quote history

Explaining you can't message constantly because you're out with friends is not a polite dismissal. It's an explanation that you're not available at that moment. Not being available all the time is not a sign of disinterest.

Original poster
raspberryseason · 28/04/2023 11:28

@gannett I would have thought the same or maybe I was wishful thinking .

Either / or ... I won't be contacting him this evening as I've done my bit but I'll know if he's interested or not, one way or another this evening.

OP posts:
Wfhandbored · 28/04/2023 11:30

A polite dismissal 😂😂😂 he was just busy as he has a life and doesn't know OP yet so really didn't even owe anything but he replied and went on with his plans as would anyone.

HowManySunflowers · 28/04/2023 11:31

Just wait and see OP. Honestly it could be either at this stage.

Groggygymdodger · 28/04/2023 11:31

I think yoire over invested already, you’ve not even met this bloke and only matched the day before, now you want to know if he’s interested as he chose to go out with some Mates.

you need to watch you don’t come across as proper desperate. When they need to tell you they can’t keep chatting it’s not great. Not a day after you matched, try to calm yourself down and go with the flow.

MiddleParking · 28/04/2023 11:33

gannett · 28/04/2023 11:25

Explaining you can't message constantly because you're out with friends is not a polite dismissal. It's an explanation that you're not available at that moment. Not being available all the time is not a sign of disinterest.

Show quote history

It’s not necessarily a sign of disinterest, but it’s definitely, definitely not a statement of interest such that it would be a good idea for OP to follow it up with a request for a date. OP being out of the dating game a long time and describing someone she matched with yesterday morning as an involved father and hard worker suggests that she’s already a bit vulnerable. To pair vulnerability with what could come across as over-enthusiasm on online dating is a good way to end up posting on the relationship board in a year or two that you’re in a terrible situation with no easy way out. God knows we see enough of those on here.

Inapicklee · 28/04/2023 11:33

I think you are seriously overthinking.
He was chatting to you then met up with friends and told you that’s why he wasn’t going to be replying rather than just
not replying. I think that’s thoughtful and polite!

I met my DP online and we only sent 1 or 2 messages every 24 hours until we met up.