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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 y.o lying and "stealing"

29 replies

Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 19:47

Feeling quite fragile so please be kind but I am at the end of my tether with how to deal with my child.
For context I have 3 other children, youngest is 1.5y.o so no newborn baby suddenly added. No family bereavement. Nothing changed in family dynamics

But my 6 year old daughter is taking shampoo, toothpaste, toilet roll and wrecking it. She pours it all out over her floor which is stained and now starting to stink. She will pour it over toys. She's taken nappy cream before and rubs it over her walls. (Bathrooms have now been padlocked during the day but I need them open during the night for other children)
She's stolen makeup from me before and used it on her walls.
She will take jewellery from my room and hide it under her bed. (My room also gets blocked off but again there may be an hour here or there where I've forgotten)
Just now found a massive puddle of water, toothpaste and an empty can of juice (which she's admitted she stole from her friends house) but it's all mushed together in a huge mess.

We went on holiday and visited the soft play there. She stole lip balm from another table, she stole hair bobbles and clips from the same table.

She's stolen pens from school, water bottles from other children (all handed back in).

I have (on Wednesday) spoken to her class teacher who says she's very shocked to hear about this behaviour as she's a model pupil, always first to tidy up (never does at home lol) she's very set on having the routine and knowing it's done in order but the teacher did note my daughter really struggles with concentration most days (fidgets, will often stop doing class work and go sit in the toilets, interrupts convos) which I've seen in her for a while

My mum says I need to "kick her ass" but won't define what she means (helpful mum.)
Where do I go from here? I'm crying as I write this ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 19:50

Not used the correct words in my title, lying because she often makes up stories as to how she came to have shampoo on her floor (the usual child logic of it wasn't her)
Stealing in "" because is it stealing when she's taking from me?

OP posts:
NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 27/04/2023 19:54

I'd say, gently, that she needs to be referred to see if there are MH issues.
It's not the taking things she likes the look of, although at 6 she's old enough to understand right from wrong and that it's wrong to take something that isn't yours. It's the wanton damage she's doing with the items.
Has she any answer as to why she smears it on the walls or pours stuff on the floor?
Because at 6, that's very much not normal.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/04/2023 19:57

All behaviour is communication. So something is going on for her, even if it isn't apparent to you what that is.

Is she the eldest? She sounds like she's struggling. Can you carve out extra 1:1 time for the two of you?

ChunkyCheese · 27/04/2023 19:57

When is she doing this? Where are you when it’s happening?
I don’t mean to seem like I’m criticising you, I just can’t imagine how she is having so much opportunity to do all of this damage. What did you say to her the first time she did it?

Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 20:01

No she doesn't have any answers as to why she's done it, she stays silent when I ask her.
She does go upstairs to play in her room (the doors are locked from the outside) but she probably has already taken the stuff earlier in the day and hidden it so I don't notice her taking it
She tends to hide it very well and with 3 other kids my focus is always somewhere else ☹️
One to one time is very hard but I appreciate that is the main thing she's lacking

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 20:05

She's the second eldest
I have 8, then her aged 6, aged 4 and 1.5 Yr old

I try not to give her free rein of going to her room anymore but I started my new job today and had a therapy session afterwards so I was just knackered and she wanted to play up there after her dinner.

I'm usually hot on her heels, even when she gets up in the morning I (or her dad) have ti follow right behind as she will take things that don't belong to her (she will take her brothers drawings, money out of my purse) or she will eat anything she can reach (she uses a chair now if nobody is there quick enough) it's exhausting

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wrinkleintime · 27/04/2023 20:13

It sounds like a lot of the behaviours and items she is taking are to do with sensory things.

Smearing creams on the walls, squirting out smelly shampoo, grabbing shiny jewellery and soft stretchy bobbles... It's all stuff that is interesting in a sensory way.

Maybe she has some kind of sensory needs? This is very common with autism and I also note you say shes very set on routine, another common trait.

I think you need to take her to the GP and tell them what's going on as a first step.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/04/2023 20:15

So, I would try giving her more access to that sort of play that is allowed - slime making, for instance. My dc used to love making potions out of stuff in the garden. It might have a sensory element.

But mainly she sounds like she needs your attention and may be struggling to articulate her feelings.

Why are their locks on the doors?

Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 20:19

She is craving attention, u need to make time to meet her needs.

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/04/2023 20:26

My ADHD son did this from the age of about 6, and didn't stop until around 11.

It's infuriating. And nothing we could do.

I had no idea he had ADHD until he was 10 and he was properly assessed. I just knew something wasn't quite right.

ADHD does not mean bouncing off the walls at all times (like I ignorantly thought before) and wouldn't have thought he could possibly have it. It comes in many variations.

Have a look at the symptoms online and see if you find yourself nodding along...

Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 20:35

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/04/2023 20:26

My ADHD son did this from the age of about 6, and didn't stop until around 11.

It's infuriating. And nothing we could do.

I had no idea he had ADHD until he was 10 and he was properly assessed. I just knew something wasn't quite right.

ADHD does not mean bouncing off the walls at all times (like I ignorantly thought before) and wouldn't have thought he could possibly have it. It comes in many variations.

Have a look at the symptoms online and see if you find yourself nodding along...

See I didn't want to come across as wanting a label for my child if her behavior was normal, but the symptoms match all of my children tbh 😬 (although I think my second youngest may have aspergers)

I just want it to stop, it's so expensive and its just making me sad. The chances of me being able to afford a new carpet is very unlikely, it makes me ashamed looking at it

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 20:40

You need to see a doctor to get her some help, not beat her up. Jeez Grandma 🙄

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/04/2023 20:51

Buddythecat1 · 27/04/2023 20:35

See I didn't want to come across as wanting a label for my child if her behavior was normal, but the symptoms match all of my children tbh 😬 (although I think my second youngest may have aspergers)

I just want it to stop, it's so expensive and its just making me sad. The chances of me being able to afford a new carpet is very unlikely, it makes me ashamed looking at it

Show quote history

DS coloured his first carpet with Sharpie, about age 8. Then about age 10, he picked and picked a corner of the new carpet, and unravelled the threads "to see what it looked like, I was bored".

On to carpet 3 in the space of two years. Within about 3 months, he emptied ink cartridges into a bowl and stained it. He's had that carpet since. He's 14 now. And I cringe every time workmen have to go into his room. It's gross. He's had the whole thing repainted more times than I can remember, then picks the paint off or chips chunks from the woodwork. They must think, what kind of mother let's her child live in a pit like this.

I'm actually going to redo it when he goes away with the school in a couple of months. If he buggers it again, it's staying like it. I have not the time nor money.

CaroleSinger · 27/04/2023 20:52

The teacher seems to be contradicting herself a bit there? What she goes on to describe is hardly model pupil behaviour. There are clearly issues going on here?

CaroleSinger · 27/04/2023 21:01

What consequences does her behaviour have out of interest?

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 27/04/2023 21:31

My dd does this sort of stuff all the time especially the bit about climbing up to get food.
My dd has autism and sensory processing disorder. You need to take her to the gp or/ and have a chat with the senco at her school.
I know how hard this is and I feel for you.

Mummykittykat · 27/04/2023 22:33

I worked with a girl like this a few years back. I think a lot of it is around her trying to communicate something she is struggling with and a need for more positive one to one attention. Also I think the way you handle it is important and being firm but not making such a big deal that becomes a way for her to get your attention.

FarmGirl78 · 28/04/2023 00:46

I'd also be interested to know how you deal with these events, what you say to her, whether you get angry or upset, and what the consequences are for her.

Mariposista · 28/04/2023 02:10

The kid is craving attention. Have a think, you say there haven’t been any big traumas but has anything been going on in your or her dad’s lives that has made you stressed (smart kids will pick up on that)? Working long hours? Getting snappy with each other when tired? Have the younger kids been sick recently? Just ideas. It sounds like she needs some fun 1 on1 time. Of course bad behaviour needs dealing with but she doesn’t sound like a bad kid.

CheekyHobson · 28/04/2023 02:50

with 3 other kids my focus is always somewhere else

Here’s your problem. She’s using a strategy to get attention that works like a charm.

Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 28/04/2023 06:35

Mariposista · 28/04/2023 02:10

The kid is craving attention. Have a think, you say there haven’t been any big traumas but has anything been going on in your or her dad’s lives that has made you stressed (smart kids will pick up on that)? Working long hours? Getting snappy with each other when tired? Have the younger kids been sick recently? Just ideas. It sounds like she needs some fun 1 on1 time. Of course bad behaviour needs dealing with but she doesn’t sound like a bad kid.

No nothing like that, in fact I left my job back in February and only went back to work yesterday so she's had 2 extra months of me being at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 28/04/2023 06:36

FarmGirl78 · 28/04/2023 00:46

I'd also be interested to know how you deal with these events, what you say to her, whether you get angry or upset, and what the consequences are for her.

I do get very angry and shouty.
Going to be honest, consequences are abysmal in my house, I've lost the energy.
Usually she's on the step after I find more mess, but it doesn't seem to do much.
She has lost her toys/tablet/TV in the past but that isn't something she seems to care about

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 28/04/2023 06:39

Buy a tuff spot.

Make sure she has lots of opportunity for sensory play. Cornflour and water is a nice tidy one.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Childrens-Plastic-Assorted-Activities-Plastering/dp/B09KBX8V4H/ref=sr11_6?crid=2KIHJ77YF0G0M&keywords=tuff%2Btray&qid=1682660296&sprefix=Tuff%2B%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-6&th=1

SchoolShenanigans · 28/04/2023 06:42

Does her school have a counsellor?

Something's going on for her and she deserves someone qualified to unpick what it is.

Original poster
Buddythecat1 · 28/04/2023 06:58

Noted on the attention and I'm going to properly carve out some more time for her and for the others.
I do already have some of those trays, I was waiting for the weather to get better so she can go into the garden with them (baby will try to eat everything if done in the house)

I don't think the school does have counselling or a senco person that was mentioned above but I will double check on that

OP posts: