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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support DC wanting nothing to do with absent father?

34 replies

QuestionableDanceMoves · 27/04/2023 17:59

Quick background- exh left 6 years ago when DC were 2 and 9, abusive relationship, totally unhealthy, police called multiple times- he physically assaulted me which led to his arrest and social services saying he should not see DC.
He took me to court for access. 2 years later after lots of hearings, multiple instances of him not following court instructions etc we came to an agreement on contact.
Less than a month after our final hearing he suddenly moved an hour away to be with new gf and announced he’d no longer see the DC
Since then he has sporadically decided he wants contact- I’ve told him to apply back to court as the DC are no longer willing to see him. He hasn’t seen them since November 2019 and last spoke on the phone to them in may 2020. He doesn’t send anything for xmas but does send birthday cards- his now wife messages me asking for photos and updates on the kids which I did send but the kids have asked me to stop (they are now 9 and 16) because they don’t want him to know about their lives as he’s been gone so long.
He’s now messaging me daily asking for updates and photos despite me saying I will contact him if the kids change their minds.
I know that legally I should be encouraging the kids to have contact with him but I did that for 2 years and mopped their tears every time he didn’t show or let them down. I feel they’re now old enough to decide for themselves based off of their experiences of him plus I don’t want to damage my relationship with them by forcing them to contact him when they don’t want to.
I believe the only reason he’s messaging every day is to get at me for refusing to send photos to his wife (who the kids haven’t met) rather than out of a genuine desire for a relationship with them
AIBU to not be doing as the kids have asked or should I be going against their wishes and sending him updates/photos every day?

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 27/04/2023 18:06

If your ex took you to court, the judge would laugh at a request for contact with the 16 year old. Once kids are about 12, they can legally decide how much contact they want even if it's zero contact.

I would support the 9 year old in their stance too. You can be supportive by listening to their gripes about dad.

You don't owe your ex the updates etc Does he have social media where he's posting your pics so he can pretend he cares?

💐 to you and the kids. I am so sorry 😢

Susi4 · 27/04/2023 18:16

I would block them both, you owe them nothing and the wife is especially cheeky asking for photos and updates on children she has never met.

adriftabroad · 27/04/2023 18:20

Absolutely, he is using those photos. Send none.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/04/2023 18:28

I’d set up an email account and send it to him, advising from this date forward this is your only way of communication and that you would only be in contact in the event of an emergency.

id then block his number

titchy · 27/04/2023 18:28

Send him photos of different but similar looking kids - download some from a website.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/04/2023 18:34

Block them. Then they can go down to court

KEG05 · 27/04/2023 18:37

Your right op. Your priority is your children not sending updates to your ex dh because he wants you to. If he was that interested in how they were doing he would have made the effort to keep in contact with them. An hour isn’t that far away in the big scheme of things. Support your children and don’t feel an ounce of guilt x

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 27/04/2023 19:03

I don't think this is a genuine attempt by yout exDH to see the kids, I think this is your exDH trying to pretend he's not a giant arsehole in front of his new wife. The big clue is she initiated this current round of contact not him.

Either that or he's started to be abusive to her, she's started.to see through him and all this "Look at what a great guy I am, caring for my kids and desperately trying to see them" part of his gaslighting.

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 27/04/2023 19:05

titchy · 27/04/2023 18:28

Send him photos of different but similar looking kids - download some from a website.

Oh fuck yes, that is absolutely the way to go 🤣

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 27/04/2023 20:08

Thanks all- deep down I know I owe him nothing, he chose to cut the kids out of his life and how they feel about seeing him now is a consequence of his actions. I just second guess myself at times and it’s good to know others agree I’m doing the right thing.
He may very well have posted the kids photos I’ve sent in the past on his social media, I’d have no way of knowing.

OP posts:
Clementineorsatsuma · 27/04/2023 21:15

titchy · 27/04/2023 18:28

Send him photos of different but similar looking kids - download some from a website.

Oh you are awful....

But I like it! 🤣🤣🤣

blubberball · 27/04/2023 21:21

titchy · 27/04/2023 18:28

Send him photos of different but similar looking kids - download some from a website.

I love this!

xyxygy · 27/04/2023 21:27

I'd say...just to completely cover yourself, get some legal advice on your position. The last thing you want is for the kids (well, DC9 at least) to be forced to see him because he found a technicality he can exploit despite his complete lack of effort up to this point.

Reugny · 27/04/2023 21:27

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/04/2023 18:28

I’d set up an email account and send it to him, advising from this date forward this is your only way of communication and that you would only be in contact in the event of an emergency.

id then block his number

The email address is for the two children to communicate directly with him as the 16 year old is old enough to communicate directly and help their sibling.

Unfortunately as they don't want to communicate with him then he gets no emails....

Murdoch1949 · 28/04/2023 04:55

Let him take you to court. His record on access is appalling and it was his decision to stop meaningful contact. Your children will be listened to by the court. Your eldest daughter will not have to see him, but the 9 year old may be deemed by the court to need to have contact. It will be supervised in a contact centre initially, and your ex may well lose interest. As the court procedure will take time, it may be that your younger daughter's views will be considered. As others have said, set up an email account just for his communication, block him on any social media you use, and warn your 16 year old to use privacy settings. Do not send any photographs to him. Keep a record of all his communication so you are prepared for court.

MayThe4th · 28/04/2023 05:10

You’re not unreasonable but I would tread carefully.

The sixteen year old is quite within their rights to decide not to see him, but the nine year old isn’t, and if there is a court order, and he goes back to court and it is found you breached the court order and also refused to even let him have pictures of the kids a judge could take a dim view, and would still likely award him contact. I’m not saying that’s right, but just in case I would seek some legal advice before blocking him. As much of an arsehole as the man clearly is, he has PR and an existing court order in his favour.

I would do two things.

I would respond to his wife and say “as x has refused to even speak to the children since 2019 and they continually being upset by his lack of attendance in their lives I don’t want to upset them further at this point.

And to him I would say, “given you have refused to see them since 2019 they do not want to see you at this stage, and I feel it would be going against them to send them pictures behind teir backs. I will now be seeking legal advice to back up my position..”.

And leave it at that.

I would bet money that he’s gaslit the new wife into believing that he doesn’t see his kids because you’ve stopped him from seeing them, and now he can add that you won’t even let him have pictures into this mix. The wife is quite possibly an innocent in all this.

ASimpleLampoon · 28/04/2023 05:23

xyxygy · 27/04/2023 21:27

I'd say...just to completely cover yourself, get some legal advice on your position. The last thing you want is for the kids (well, DC9 at least) to be forced to see him because he found a technicality he can exploit despite his complete lack of effort up to this point.

This.

Abusive men like this have a way of claiming that they are being "alienated" from their kids and Family Court believes them, misogynistic cesspit that it is. Cover your back, OP.

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/04/2023 06:15

I think you're in the wrong and other posters are wrong in encouraging you to block him and go to great lengths to deny contact. Why? Sounds spiteful.

You chose to procreate with this man. He is their Dad rightly or wrongly. I'm not saying you have to jump through hoops but I think going out of your way to deny contact is wrong.

And before people jump down my throat, I'm in a similar position to the OP.

But I don't stop contact nor do I get overly involved. If my DCs want to see their dad I try and make that happen. If they aren't bothered, I don't force it. But I give them options, I don't threaten court, block or recriminate. I ask them now and then have you spoken to your dad recently. Most times they have, occasionally not. If they haven't, I say why don't you give him a call or message him, he's your dad.

I had kids with a loser as did the OP. That's on us. So don't make the situation worse or play games with the kids to get one over on him or chose a default confrontational position.

And as for the new wife being "cheeky". Unlikely! Perhaps she rightly and fully reasonably wants her own DC to know his or her siblings and that's 100% fair enough!

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 28/04/2023 06:29

I’m not going to great lengths to deny contact- he chose to stop contact all by himself. I actually spent days after he told me he’d moved with no warning so wouldn’t be seeing them trying to convince him to change his mind.
Funnily enough I didn’t know he was an abusive dickhead when I married him and had kids with him- it was only after our second was born that he decided to start cheating on me, hitting me and threatening to kill me. Is that on me? Am I at fault for his actions?
my eldest has dads phone number but chooses to keep it blocked because of the types of messages dad sent when it wasn’t.
I am not playing games at all- when my kids wanted contact with their dad I tried tirelessly to get him to stick to it but he wouldn’t, always had some excuse.
im the one reliable parent my kids have, if I don’t listen to them and respect their wishes re their dad and they find out I’m sending him photos behind their backs- how would that make them feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 28/04/2023 06:32

Oh as for the cheekiness of his wife- she’s asked me to send her any toys my kids outgrow to give to their child. He’s not sent anything for our kids birthday or Christmas for years, which she knows, but she feels it’s ok to ask for things I’ve bought them to be given to her.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 28/04/2023 07:35

She’s not denying him access to his children though is she? He hasn’t got in touch saying he wishes to see his children or rebuild a relationship with them, he’s asked for pictures of children he’s actively chosen to have nothing to do with for the past four years.

I think denying him actual contact would be wrong, especially the 9 year old who is too young to realise what stopping contact actually means. But he’s not asked to see them, so it’s perfectly ok to not send pictures behind their backs.

I might tell the children though that he’s been in touch and asked for some pictures and ask if it’s ok to send them.

And as he’s been to court before it’s clearly something he might be prepared to do so I would seek legal advice.

blahblahblah1654 · 28/04/2023 07:36

Block them both and get legal advice. The kids don't want to see him and it's clearly causing you all stress.

eish · 28/04/2023 07:38

You have been amazing for your children. Protecting them by leaving abuse, there for them when there were let down. You owe him nothing. By sticking by them you are showing them you value their opinion and consent means consent. You should be proud of yourself.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 28/04/2023 07:43

I think morally you are in the right. Legally you should try and get some qualified advice to establish whether your position can be maintained/defended.

Bananarama77 · 28/04/2023 07:47

Your 16 yo can make their own contact with him if they want to so I would just tell him that your 16 yo has his contact information & if they want to get in touch they will. 9 yo bit different as they might be going along with older child regardless I don’t see why they would want photos if he really wanted contact he would write to them/email them etc bit odd just to want photos. I wouldn’t send him anything & maybe tell him that if he really wants to maintain a relationship with his DC he needs to try & build bridges properly otherwise don’t bother