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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to request flexible working whilst me children seem to be struggling with their mental health

43 replies

Workingmomof2 · 27/04/2023 13:17

Quick back story - I was a SAHM until both children started school. Really enjoyed it, children thrived, money was tight and missed my own career.

returned to work full time 2.5 years ago. Work from home 4 days, in the office 1 day. Extra money means holidays, tutor for older child, hobbies, cleaner etc.

I am very driven in my job and aim to go for another promotion in the next year. Last year I was promoted.

OH is director level at a global company so very senior.

i should be happy but I’m struggling big time.

my son is almost a teenager and has REALLY started to push the boundaries. I feel like I’m not around enough to guide him and discipline him properly.

he has also experienced bullying, has suspected Tourette’s syndrome with physical tics which are more severe when he is being bullied/struggling.

he often takes the stress out on me and his dad.

on the other hand my daughter has developed a severe phobia of throwing up. She was sick a few months ago and since then she asks me 20+ times ago if she looks sick, if she’s going to be sick. She says she’s unwell every single day.

I get called every week from school and explain she’s okay she just needs reassured. I work with her teacher but at lunch time or when she gets a different teacher - they aren’t aware and will phone home.

so both my kids seem to be struggling so much with their mental health. I’m so depressed thinking I’m failing them.

on paper we are comfortable but in reality we do live a very hectic lifestyle where we are often juggling work, clubs, housework, shopping, laundry etc etc.

I have never felt so low in my life as a mother yet so high in my career as I really feel I could achieve something in my career which I really enjoy.

I feel like I need to reduce my hours - which will see an impact to our lifestyle. OH isn’t keen as we do have a lot of outgoings and have booked a massive holiday to Disney world in summer and so we have a strict saving plan.

equally whilst we don’t want a drop in finances and lifestyle I don’t want to sacrifice my career progression either.

OH is very much of the mindset - keep calm and carry on. It’ll pass. It’s a phase and I do agree but I’m struggling with the balance between my kids struggling in life and our jobs.

I have recently upped my anti depressants as I’m feeling myself going into a very dark place.

on a side note I have a 10 day holiday next week with the kids just to a caravan park but I’m hoping some quality time might help all of us.

OP posts:
florafoxtrot · 27/04/2023 13:22

Not being unreasonable at all. Whilst hopefully it might be short term, why not try to make things a bit easier for that short term? Do you think dropping down another day would make a difference to you? Could your husband reduce his hours at all? I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this position

Original poster
Workingmomof2 · 27/04/2023 13:25

Yes it would make things easier in terms of I just feel I’m treading water and have no time to actually help them, support them, guide them. Everything is just go go go and I find myself genuinely exhausted at the end of the day.

whilst it might help my kids (and me) cope with the current struggles - i worry it’ll impact my career negatively 🤔

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 27/04/2023 13:27

Why isn’t your husband so worried about this?

Original poster
Workingmomof2 · 27/04/2023 13:30

He rightly or wrongly is focused on providing for us. He worries about losing his job, supporting us financially. He lost his parents very young and since then has worked hard to never be financially vulnerable again.

And he’s very much of the mindset that it’s part of normal life problems and will eventually resolve itself. The answer isn’t to drop our career focus as this issue will pass.

I have been unable to work with sadness on occasions as it’s overwhelming but he is really resilient and just gets on with it without it effecting his emotions too much.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2023 13:35

Can you work more flexibly without actually reducing your hours? I have been able to do this throughout my dd's childhood/teenage years, and it has enabled me to be there when she needs me without sacrificing my career.

Nimbostratus100 · 27/04/2023 13:35

In what way will you cutting your hours benefit your children? They are at school full time.

CantFindTheBeat · 27/04/2023 13:37

I'm sorry that you are going through this, OP. It's really tough when your children have challenges.

Can I ask, what do you feel working less hours will enable you to cope with?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2023 13:37

Nimbostratus100 · 27/04/2023 13:35

In what way will you cutting your hours benefit your children? They are at school full time.

Yes, I was just going to ask this as well. Cutting your hours might help or it might make no difference at all. It would be gutting to sacrifice a career that you love only to find that it doesn't actually fix the issue.

Original poster
Workingmomof2 · 27/04/2023 13:40

I guess more time, head space to deal with them and their issues.

i feel like I am absolutely drowning in their issues and feel like I’m completely failing them.

I work from home so they can be here whilst I work but I also long to collect from
school and spend some quality time together.

maybe that’ll just help my mental health rather than theirs. But whilst they seem to be struggling I’m also struggling to juggle all balls.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workingmomof2 · 27/04/2023 13:41

Maybe I just need some Annual leave which thankfully I have booked next week.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/04/2023 13:44

What hobbies do they do and how much time/financial cost?
Could cutting these down give more time for relaxing and save money?

Milly16 · 27/04/2023 13:45

I don't think dropping a day will make much difference (except to your career) especially as you wfh most of the week. I have the same working pattern, kids tween and early teen and what helps is cutting down on out of school clubs or moving them to the weekend, giving the kids half an hour when they get home if I possibly can to chat to me about their day, getting DH to be equally involved in their emotional health so he can do half the listening without them feeling shortchanged, spending as little time as possible on cooking, housework etc so all time I'm not working goes to connection, fun and if necessary academic or emotional support.

Zumarocks · 27/04/2023 13:45

Hi just a side note on this, my friends daughter saw a hypnotherapist who pretty much cured her fear of being sick. Might be worth a try?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2023 13:46

Couldn't you just rejig your hours to enable you to pick them up from school on the days you wfh?

CantFindTheBeat · 27/04/2023 13:46

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate, OP.

It also sounds like you are very bright, capable, dependable and kind.

Your annual leave sounds well needed for a break.

Upping your anti-depressants also sounds like a good temporary idea. Do you have a counsellor you can call on for support? Or does your work offer confidential virtual counselling services?

Your DH also needs to take on some of the mental load in respect of the children, if he's not already. Being on the same page as a couple can really help when you're trying to support DC with extra needs.

Milly16 · 27/04/2023 13:48

One of my kids had something similar to the fear of being sick and a lot of health anxiety. They grew out of it though. My sister had a terror of being sick around 7 or 8 and again, grew out of it (and my mum was a SAHM)

Whatabouteverything · 27/04/2023 13:50

Nimbostratus100 · 27/04/2023 13:35

In what way will you cutting your hours benefit your children? They are at school full time.

This

But also your husband needs to step-up!! He needs to be there more - even if its just emotionally.

Delegate the school calls from your daughter to him from now on - take that one item off your plate.

Secondly it sounds like your daughter has developed some sort of PTSD about being sick - if she's never displayed any sort of mental health issues before then some CBT might be beneficial. This happened to me once but was around being hit from behind in my car - a course of CBT 'cured' me.

At the moment you have the means financially to explore private health care options. You could also take some unpaid leave on top of annual leave and you could also get signed off sick yourself which you may need. I would keep your hours and working life as is otherwise though as it does bring you joy usually.

ExtraOnions · 27/04/2023 13:52

One of you needs to be around more for your children, if they are struggling. All the career & money in the world won’t make up for the possible consequences, if their mental health isn't properly addressed, and taken care of , now.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/04/2023 13:53

I think it's easy to think that reducing your hours will help, but of the kids I know with mental health difficulties, there is no correlation at all with whether or not their parents both work FT/PT or SAH etc. These issues are complex and aren't necessarily "fixed" simply by having time to spend with them. However, I do think you could request more flexibility in how your hours are worked in order to ensure that you're available for your kids when needed.

Weedoormatnomore · 27/04/2023 13:53

Try taking annual leave off for a couple of days when kids are at school see if it helps.

ImAnAlienAndImHere · 27/04/2023 13:58

@Workingmomof2 regarding annual leave coming up, I know I always feel worse just before I'm due to take a break. It's like your body and mind know what's coming and start to wind down before it's time! I tend to feel the most overwhelmed at that point. Hope you have a good break OP 💐

Augend23 · 27/04/2023 14:00

I think I would be thinking about what could be done to make family life less stressful without changing work hours for now (though absolutely not writing it off as an option, I've done it just for personal reasons and it's been a real improvement).

So e.g. it might be cheaper to have someone come in twice a week, sort out laundry, cleaning, receiving an online shop, maybe even put some dinner on? Than it would for you to give up a portion of your work to give you time to do that stuff and support your kids, especially when you consider the impact on potential promotions.

megletthesecond · 27/04/2023 14:01

Yanbu.
I've had to take unpaid leave to support mine. It means I can get stuff done in the daytime and be there for them after school.

user567543 · 27/04/2023 14:06

I’d try cutting back on their schedules and their commitments first too - THEY sound overwhelmed and overscheduled, as do you. I can see the advantage of time at home for you to have more mental energy to deal with them - hard to find all that energy when you don’t have much downtime.

but I’d leave school and work alone and cut back on other things first so that your schedule is simpler for a while.

Gymnopedie · 27/04/2023 14:08

However much DH might be genuine or not about his job, he doesn't get to absolve himself from anything and everything to do with the children.

Either he takes some of the load off you, or he shuts up about you reducing your hours. He doesn't get to tell you to suck it up while carrying on his life unaffected by it all.