Would I be unreasonable to request flexible working whilst me children seem to be struggling with their mental health

[Workingmomof2]

Quick back story - I was a SAHM until both children started school. Really enjoyed it, children thrived, money was tight and missed my own career.

returned to work full time 2.5 years ago. Work from home 4 days, in the office 1 day. Extra money means holidays, tutor for older child, hobbies, cleaner etc.

I am very driven in my job and aim to go for another promotion in the next year. Last year I was promoted.

OH is director level at a global company so very senior.

i should be happy but I’m struggling big time.

my son is almost a teenager and has REALLY started to push the boundaries. I feel like I’m not around enough to guide him and discipline him properly.

he has also experienced bullying, has suspected Tourette’s syndrome with physical tics which are more severe when he is being bullied/struggling.

he often takes the stress out on me and his dad.

on the other hand my daughter has developed a severe phobia of throwing up. She was sick a few months ago and since then she asks me 20+ times ago if she looks sick, if she’s going to be sick. She says she’s unwell every single day.

I get called every week from school and explain she’s okay she just needs reassured. I work with her teacher but at lunch time or when she gets a different teacher - they aren’t aware and will phone home.

so both my kids seem to be struggling so much with their mental health. I’m so depressed thinking I’m failing them.

on paper we are comfortable but in reality we do live a very hectic lifestyle where we are often juggling work, clubs, housework, shopping, laundry etc etc.

I have never felt so low in my life as a mother yet so high in my career as I really feel I could achieve something in my career which I really enjoy.

I feel like I need to reduce my hours - which will see an impact to our lifestyle. OH isn’t keen as we do have a lot of outgoings and have booked a massive holiday to Disney world in summer and so we have a strict saving plan.

equally whilst we don’t want a drop in finances and lifestyle I don’t want to sacrifice my career progression either.

OH is very much of the mindset - keep calm and carry on. It’ll pass. It’s a phase and I do agree but I’m struggling with the balance between my kids struggling in life and our jobs.

I have recently upped my anti depressants as I’m feeling myself going into a very dark place.

on a side note I have a 10 day holiday next week with the kids just to a caravan park but I’m hoping some quality time might help all of us.

There is a very odd view on here that a persons career and earning potential is everything- and happiness and family time absolutely should be sacrificed in pursuit of money. It seems to be a very middle class way of thinking.

OP your kids will appreciate time spent
with them- I agree with the suggestions about cutting their hobbies , they need need time at home to relax, and even to be bored. If you are able to cut your hours then do - spend time together just enjoying each other’s company, watch telly, do daft craft challenges, play games together - time spent with your kids is never wasted time. Especially older kids who do need you just as much as younger ones , just in a different way.

You can never have ‘ enough’ money - you will always be chasing a bigger salary, a more important job, so why not take some
time out of that for a few years and enjoy your family.

It’s easy for DH to say everyone must carry on if he’s not the one carrying the mental load about it all.

And I agree about your dh doing something - i work in a field congested with successful men and they all take a bit of time out for family these days - my dh changed things massively to support our dc when they struggled.

but yes if it’s really all on you, then I’d be cutting my hours too if it was best for my children and I.

Not until 5:30? Working four days over five can allow a parent to align with school hours and have time together in the late afternoons.

Yes this time will pass OP but that doesn’t mean that where everyone ends up is inevitable, regardless of what is done along the way. The ‘outcome’ for want of a better word, is as yet undetermined. In five years time everyone will be older and the time will have passed either way, but where and how will you all be?

It does sound like your kids could do with some more support and if I were you I would prioritise that for a couple of years by doing something like 30 hours over five days, if that’s possible.

Disney is great but kids need time and attention more than fancy holidays and how you and your husband support them now could have a very real impact on how they are in a few years.

It depends Op on what you think the underlying reasons for their issues are and if seeing you more will help.

In my opinion, tourette's and a vomiting phobia are unlikely to be able to be addressed by spending more quality time with you - it sounds like professional intervention would be best here.

It sounds like a lot to cope with all at once and I dont blame you for being overwhelmed but dropping hours when your kids are at school and the resultant drop in salary seems like a bit of a knee jerk.

I don't think you can compare when they were little and you were at home. Things were more simple because they were little and younger children usually have emotional needs which are (generally) more easily met, not necessarily because you were around more.

If you can request flexible working, would it help to start earlier (or work later) and have the 3-6 type period (when DC are presumably at home and may well be chatty if they are going to be) free?

Is your DH pulling his weight with the general day to day grind? Are you making sure your children (assuming they are tweens from the description) are also helping in an age appropriate way?

Any chance you could be peri-menopausal? When I hit peri, my ability to cope with family life hit absolute rock bottom.

What about parental leave OP? You’re entitled to 18 weeks total per child up till the child is 18 - max of 4 weeks a year per child. Employer can’t say no, they can ask you to defer a bit but not refuse.

Your DH is entitled to the same.

You have to take it in one week blocks but then means you could free up annual leave to use to (say) take some Fridays off.

It’s unpaid so obviously has a financial impact. But perhaps less so than switching permanently to part time? And IMO the career impact would be less than going part time as it’s a one off - it’s like someone having annual leave, a bit annoying when they aren’t there but once the person is back everyone forgets?

It’s not just spending quality time though - if professional intervention is indeed what’s needed, you need a parent who isn’t working to book appointments, take the child, support them afterwards etc. There is inevitably a practical requirement for time from the parent to support the child, you can’t just outsource it to ‘the professionals’ and get your head down at work.

And regarding the child who is being bullied, which is what is making the Tourette’s symptoms worse, then quality time with a present parent after school is absolutely likely to help.

Im not trying to make the OP feel bad at all, but the attitude on here of ‘oh well they’re in school full time anyway and you’re best off leaving it to the professionals now’ quite shocking. I am gearing up to possibly work more part time when mine are teenagers than I did when they were toddlers because I think my presence and emotional support will be MORE needed then, not less. If I can persuade them to spend any time with me, that is 😃

This is pretty much what happened to me. As dd2 hit teen years during covid and then went back to school her mental health deteriorated massively and quite quickly. She was also getting bullied and we moved her school. She hit crisis point, mental health services involved etc.
Throughout this I tried to work but the amount of time I needed off, both planned and adhoc when she was de-railing was huge and it wasn't fair on them
As an employer. Plus I just couldn't focus to do my job well which in turn was making me stressed and miserable

Additionally I had DD1 to think-she is fine but was struggling with the family fall out-and two younger DSS's in the mix.

I went part time which did help, but then sadly got made redundant when the contract I was working on changed.

I'm now mostly at home with a little business I'm setting up (very little-gig economy stuff). I miss work and I worry about not being able to get back into it when I get the opportunity but for now I'm best placed at home. DD2 is doing better but I still don't fully trust it and I definitely still need to be around for her after school. DD1 likes having me around. And I can facilitate an extremely long school run for DSS's which is helpful as DH can focus on his work (he earns about 5 times what I did when I was full time anyway but needs to be there and on it).

It works practically for us currently but I do worry about my future employment and my sanity having worked FT for 22 years-it's a big adjustment.

If your DH is director level for a global company then surely he’s on a good enough salary/dividend to support the family if you reduce your hours?

Whilst I think being there for your kids is important, it sounds like they maybe need more than you can offer in terms of support. Do they both have any specialist help did their respective issues?

I've re read your post OP-and I can really identify with feeling so sad and wrung out by it all that you don't feel able to work. Especially is your H is the practical kind that just says 'it'll be ok'-as that doesn't get to the nuance of it and it feels lonely when all the worry is seemingly yours.

This also happened in my case.

Are you getting any help with it all? It's easy to focus on the Kids and their issues but without wanting to sound trite, you can't pour from an empty cup.

It takes time and mental energy to find the right support, access the support, put things in place based on professional recommendations etc

Sounds like they both need to speak to a professional therapist tbh. Especially your daughter.

I would suggest that wfh 4 x days per week you should be able to juggle what you need to if you want to safeguard your career.

I had issues with my dd in high school as she had serious m h issues and refused to go to school. Back then I couldn't wfh but managed to continue 3 days per week and juggled them around when dd got into school. I didn't feel happy to leave her home alone some days.

As others have said it's all about prioritising each day what needs doing and serious multi tasking.

With two parents it's absolutely possible but if you're worried you aren't coping just cut hours and don't worry about your career.

You are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

Ask for parental leave. Cut their schedules and obligations. Exams and growing up are enough. Good food, fresh air, enough sleep, not too much screen time.

Talk to them about your career and your career aspirations. Like they are grown ups.
When you are with them, be really present.
Mine also act up when I am stressed or distracted by work. It is difficult to leave work behind even at the end of the day.

Don’t give up on your career. Ask for your husband to be present too.

Well all of that can be made significantly easier with money. Good luck relying on the NHS with its patchy provision and endless waiting lists.

Honestly OP the best thing you can do for your children is earn enough to pay for a private therapist. For them. Maybe for you too You already WFH most of the week, and they're at school. You have no plans to pull them out so what benefit will being at home bring?

It would be far better for you to cut down on 'lifestyle' things like holidays and spend that money on things that would actually make your life easier so you don't have to juggle and can spend quality time with your kids. Online shopping, meal kits, cleaners. Perhaps cut down on the clubs do if it's just making everyone feel rushed.

@Camablanca completely agree.
We paid for therapy for dd ( v expensive but worth it ) and I also took time for my own therapy.
Also the cleaning, online shopping etc.
As another pp said it's worth spending spare time on the connections not the housework. I do all my online shopping, life admin etc during work commute, time spent waiting for things.

I think reducing your hours might help your wellbeing, but equally it might not if it scuppers your career.

I think you are maybe being unrealistic about how much time your teens will be spending with you gaining "guidance". Parenting is just different at different stages, and having more time won't make your dc interact with you as they did when they were small.