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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some advice about how to navigate a wedding as a bride with Autism (&ADHD)

30 replies

Namechange4044 · 27/04/2023 10:02

My partner and I have been together like 15+ years. All our friends around us are getting or have got married. When I was younger I said I didn't want to get married so he accepted that and we never spoke about it after.

Over the years my mind has changed and I've spoke about this to my partner. He confided that he was terrified of the thought of having to have a stag do and a wedding and all of the attention that brings (we think he has some kind of neurodiversity too but haven't really explored that in full yet as his daily functioning is less flawed than mine 😅)

He seems to think that because neither of us would choose to do the traditional big wedding thing that we can't get married. But he doesn't want to be with anyone else and sees us as together forever anyway. I explained although I want a marriage I don't want the usual wedding any more than he does. The thought of being the centre of attention in front of a large group, speeches, first dances and all eyes on me for a full day makes me feel physically sick.

So I'm asking for some ideas and advice from people here - whether you have similar issues or just a few ideas to throw into the mix I'd be really grateful.

My first thought was that we could fly to Las Vegas and have a cute desert wedding - really small with our parents and one best friend each + partner. He liked this idea but I think he's also nervous of the proposal and the pressure all of this brings. So I'd like to explore alternatives.

The other aspect is generally being a bit of a people pleaser and not wanting to upset anyone. We are close to my partners family side and have lots of mutual friends who's weddings we have all been to. I don't want to offend anyone so I'm wondering if it would be acceptable/appropriate to have some kind of post wedding party back at home that is far less pressure and doesn't have the speeches and traditions so they still get to celebrate with us in some way. I'm not sure if this would feel uncomfortable for us until it happens though.

I'm just looking for some support and ideas as I'm massively overthinking this and also will be 36 this year and don't want to leave it much longer if this is going to happen...

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/04/2023 10:21

Does he want to marry you? There’s all kinds of small weddings you can do; you don’t need to follow any traditions you don’t want to follow - you can go to a registry office and ask two people to witness off the street if you want then you’re married- anything else is just extra and it’s up to you how much extra you want

PinkFootstool · 27/04/2023 10:32

Why does there need to be a proposal? If you want a ring, go pick it out together and leave with it on your hand.

If you want a small wedding, you don't even need to go to Vegas. Have a local registry office ceremony, as few people as you like. Wear jeans if you don't want to dress up. Go for lunch afterwards if you want to, or just go home!

I've got friends who went to the registry office in jeans, two friends as witnesses then they went out on the piss together and went home with a pizza by 4pm. That's all they wanted so they did it!

Don't feel pressured, think about what you actually want and go from there.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2023 10:33

If you just want to be married, find a small venue and get married just the two of you and a pair of witnesses without telling any of your friends and family about it. That way you’ll get no fuss or attention or pressure to have social celebrations.

Thriwit · 27/04/2023 10:37

There are lots of small wedding venues nowadays. We got married in a Tudor house/museum. Had the registrar do the ceremony, had a Tudor-style buffet to talk to people afterwards. 12 guests (close family & 2 friends), done & dusted in 2 hours. The venue provided food & flowers. Was a stress-free, beautiful day.

Babdoc · 27/04/2023 10:42

OP, I am also autistic. I got the day off work, DH and I went to the Registry office with two witnesses, we didn’t even have a ring, let alone a silly frock, guests or flowers. We had a quiet restaurant dinner and went back to work the next morning.
Marriage is simply a legal contract. How much wedding razzamatazz you want to add to it is entirely up to you.
I had an autistic colleague who actually got married underwater in diving gear - perhaps the ultimate in avoiding unwanted attention!

Sconesandgravy · 27/04/2023 10:49

Namechange4044 · 27/04/2023 10:02

My partner and I have been together like 15+ years. All our friends around us are getting or have got married. When I was younger I said I didn't want to get married so he accepted that and we never spoke about it after.

Over the years my mind has changed and I've spoke about this to my partner. He confided that he was terrified of the thought of having to have a stag do and a wedding and all of the attention that brings (we think he has some kind of neurodiversity too but haven't really explored that in full yet as his daily functioning is less flawed than mine 😅)

He seems to think that because neither of us would choose to do the traditional big wedding thing that we can't get married. But he doesn't want to be with anyone else and sees us as together forever anyway. I explained although I want a marriage I don't want the usual wedding any more than he does. The thought of being the centre of attention in front of a large group, speeches, first dances and all eyes on me for a full day makes me feel physically sick.

So I'm asking for some ideas and advice from people here - whether you have similar issues or just a few ideas to throw into the mix I'd be really grateful.

My first thought was that we could fly to Las Vegas and have a cute desert wedding - really small with our parents and one best friend each + partner. He liked this idea but I think he's also nervous of the proposal and the pressure all of this brings. So I'd like to explore alternatives.

The other aspect is generally being a bit of a people pleaser and not wanting to upset anyone. We are close to my partners family side and have lots of mutual friends who's weddings we have all been to. I don't want to offend anyone so I'm wondering if it would be acceptable/appropriate to have some kind of post wedding party back at home that is far less pressure and doesn't have the speeches and traditions so they still get to celebrate with us in some way. I'm not sure if this would feel uncomfortable for us until it happens though.

I'm just looking for some support and ideas as I'm massively overthinking this and also will be 36 this year and don't want to leave it much longer if this is going to happen...

I'm have diagnosed ADHD and suspected Autism.

For my hen do, I did a joint thing with OH and our core friends. We just went to Roxy Lanes in Bristol and played some games.

For the wedding, we had 9 guests including our daughter.
2 Parents/parental figures and a friend and their partner each - no siblings or grandparents etc.

I've been to a lot of weddings and for what it's worth the only people offended were my mother in law and siblings in law. They have form for being ridiculously entitled anyway 😂

TheSandgroper · 27/04/2023 10:54

I’m not ND but would suggest you think about it from the other end. Instead of thinking of what you don’t want, perhaps make a list of what you can manage. Make it specific - numbers of people, length of time, sounds, food, strong smells, comfortable clothing, anything else that might affect you.

Then you can think about how to arrange the day. A wedding coordinator might be really good for this. She will know the area and all the options so can offer specific suggestions that will likely fit with your parameters rather than you needing to traipse around stressing.

If, at the end of the day she comes up with nothing, pay her a fee and look at a coordinator in Vegas or wherever.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 27/04/2023 10:59

Elope to Scotland and get married in a castle / on a beach / whatever you like.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/04/2023 11:09

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2023 10:33

If you just want to be married, find a small venue and get married just the two of you and a pair of witnesses without telling any of your friends and family about it. That way you’ll get no fuss or attention or pressure to have social celebrations.

This.

If you want to be married for the legal protection it gives, just go and do it. Add on a small celebration for your nearest and dearest if you want to.

It's not compulsory to have 'a wedding' when you get married. Friends of ours have just done it for IHT reasons mainly. They've been together for about 25 years and just went to the registry office on a weekday afternoon with their parents as witnesses. Then they all went for afternoon tea.

geraniumsrojo · 27/04/2023 11:10

I am autistic. My recommendation is to do it properly, or you'll end up with several events. Just get it over with (and try to enjoy).

Skip: proposal, engagement ring, hen do, stag do, bridesmaids, dress shopping etc, speeches done by you, being walked down the aisle, any clothes you are uncomfortable in, rehearsal dinner.

Keep: wedding (the legal bit), and a reception after. Serve food, alcohol, and have some form of dance (a ceilidh is good if nervous, so no first dance and everything is directed by the caller). If you skip these, you'll end up not married, or being pressured into a separate party, which just drags out the stress.

Let others do speeches if they are desperate, don't get roped into doing your own. Try and get a venue in a hotel or somewhere. Then you can have a room to escape to and have a break.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/04/2023 11:11

You don't have to have 'a proposal' either. Just have a conversation. Shall we get married, 'yes, I'd like that'.

You could go and do it at the blacksmith's shop at Gretna Green. That sounds fun and memorable and less hassle than trekking to Vegas (unless that's what you actually want to do).

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 11:12

We got married aborad (with our families there) and then had a big party when we got home. It was really good - lovely wedding (in Kenya) and honeymoon, and then a big party where we didn't have to worry. No need to have the party either if you don't fancy it, people wont be upset.

h3ll0o · 27/04/2023 11:13

Im autisticmand have ADHD. Myself and my husband eloped. We chose a place that specialised in these type of weddings and they organised a private chef to cook for us in the evening. The wedding day was perfect.

Phos · 27/04/2023 11:14

We used to live in London but don’t anymore however as it’s where we met, it’s still somewhere we love to visit.

We went to Chelsea Register Office just the two of us and got married with 2 of the wonderful Chelsea Pensioners as our witnesses. We then went and rode the London Eye with glasses of champagne and then had a meal at a particular restaurant (Michelin starred) that we’d always wanted to go to. Finished off the night at a rooftop bar. It was perfect for us.

Featheryash · 27/04/2023 11:17

Hi OP I didn’t get to do this as I had a church wedding but if I was doing it now, I would have a celebrant in the middle of a field and invite everyone for a picnic and then surprise them with the marriage element between the main course and pudding.

Only trouble is you have to have a big barn available nearby in case of rain.

KILM · 27/04/2023 11:22

Just on the proposal - if he is nervous, why don't you agree to do it together. Pick a date, go somewhere nice or wherever you are comfortable (doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant, if at home in the garden is what you both love do it there!) And plan to exchange rings or ask each other to marry each other or whatever feels comfortable. Just because a lot of the time in the media it's the man getting down on one knee in a surprise moment, a lot more people get engaged just by mutual agreement than you would think. It doesn't need to be some big 'special' deal - just a nice private moment between the two of you.

PinkFootstool · 27/04/2023 11:24

Tbh a wedding planner and a planned proposal both sound hellish.

Two people saying "shall we get married" and cracking on with the marriage is all that's required. No pressure, no fancy dinners, no special occasions - if that's what OP and her partner want, what's the issue?

sandberry · 27/04/2023 11:37

We’re both autistic, decided to get married, quite fancied Brighton as both vegan and like the sea, booked in at registry office, booked nearby restaurant.

Invited close family, a few colleagues invited themselves. Travelled down on train in morning, wore sundress and suit respectively.
bought belt and suitable shoes in Brighton
Hadn’t been going to do rings but decided to as we were early in Brighton and bought them that day.
made simple vows, had dinner, cost about 2 grand. Nice day still married 15 years on.
no proposal, no engagement, no fuss, no regrets.

LizzieBananas · 27/04/2023 11:38

@Phos That sounds wonderful.

Did you get married before or after you actually moved out of London?

bedtimestories · 27/04/2023 11:44

Your wedding can be whatever you want it to be with whoever you want there. We had a civil ceremony and wedding breakfast with parents, siblings and best friends. Then a party afterwards with all our friends and family

Trinityloop · 27/04/2023 11:49

I think it's trying to figure out what bits stress you out.

For example me and my partner will elope. I just can't handle the kind of social pressure of a party like that. Fine as an attendee but not to host

Lots of people assume I don't want the ceremony part in front of others because it's common not to like public speaking. That bit is literally the bit I'm least worried about. A ceremony has structur, and flow and I can learn my lines. Party wise I have to worry if people are having a good time, will they dance etc?

Lots of people then suggest (assuming it's the ceremony bit) that we can elope then have a big party when we get back. Its really hard to explain that's the bit I'm avoiding without telling people that really even though its all people I know, and love dearly that I'd rather poke myself in the eyeball than have a party with them.

I've found the pressure of people telling me to have a party, suggestions or even people will just talk about our wedding with a confidence they are invited.

You can obviously cater your wedding around you, so for example a friend didn't have a sit down meal as they didn't like that aspect they had a later wedding to skip the meal, another had an afternoon tea for the same reason. Others have skipped speech, dancing etc

nokidshere · 27/04/2023 11:49

We were planning our holiday one evening and I said 'shall we make it a honeymoon? He said yes sure why not?'. 6 weeks later we went to the registry office with my 5 sisters and mum & dad, and his mum & dad. Then we all went back to ours for sarnies/cake. We then went to a hotel for the night whilst they cleaned up and went out to dinner.

In 4 days time we have been married for 36yrs. No fuss, no mess, no speeches and little cost.

Isheabastard · 27/04/2023 12:10

I am an introvert and like you was worried about being the centre of attention.

We had a registry office ceremony, followed by a buffet lunch at my mothers house (local). We didn’t have a sit down, just toasts with the champagne. Someone said something just before we cut the cake, but I can’t remember who.

It then morphed into a BBQ in her garden and extra guests arrived.

And although I was the centre of attention, there is so much joy and goodwill and happiness coming from everybody to you on the day, I didn’t find it overwhelming at all.

Phos · 27/04/2023 20:38

LizzieBananas · 27/04/2023 11:38

@Phos That sounds wonderful.

Did you get married before or after you actually moved out of London?

A few years after, so we just stayed in a nice hotel for a couple of nights.

Madcats · 27/04/2023 20:52

I live in Bath

Just before Easter I answered a plea for witnesses for a lovely couple who were due to marry at the Registry office.

The other witness was a student who decided to skip lectures that morning and was having breakfast in the same coffee shop.

It was a really lovely, intimate little ceremony. I think the Registrar had made sure that the words resonated with the couple.

The happy couple were inviting family and friends to a party after a brief honeymoon. Everybody knew their plans and respected them, apparently.

Me? DH and I had a wedding at the Roman Baths with just immediate family and best man. I know we annoyed a distant relative but others respected our choice.