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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sulking husband

49 replies

namechangeagainagainagain1 · 27/04/2023 07:08

Name change for this.

Married 10 years. 2 young children. Busy jobs etc etc.

My sex drive is basically non-existent. A combination of tiredness and uro-gynae issues (that I am under a specialist for) and if I'm honest no sexual attraction to my husband. But we still generally have sex about once a week.

That isn't enough for my husband. He does this incredibly annoying thing when he gropes me when I am sleeping - squeezing my bum, boobs etc. I've repeatedly told him not to do this. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and as not to drip feed I was in an abusive relationship years ago when this type of thing happened and I basically just had to lie there while this guy had sex with me. That relationship has definitely given me an uncomfortable relationship/view on sex. My husband knows this!!

Also my husband has been caught on sex hook-up websites although he's never acted on it??? So he says. But that's another reason I think I struggle with a sexual relationship.

A couple of nights ago I was woken up with his fingers probing my vagina. I told him to stop which he did. But he's been in a mood with me ever since.

Yesterday evening I brought it up and told him that I have asked him on many occasions not to do this. Can't he realise it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. His reply was "can't I realise he's a sexual being". He then stomped off and we've not spoken since.

Our relationship hasn't been great for a while. I think I want us to break up but there's just so many practicalities in the way. And the relationship isn't awful.

AIBU for telling him to stop touching me in my sleep and is his annoyance validated?

Some practical advice would be great rather than a million LTB.

Thank you

OP posts:
ScreamingInfidelities · 27/04/2023 07:11

A couple of nights ago I was woken up with his fingers probing my vagina

This is sexual assault.

Also my husband has been caught on sex hook-up websites

Either of these things would be relationship enders to me.

EVHead · 27/04/2023 07:12

He’s an abuser. Get your ducks in a row and get him out.

DustyLee123 · 27/04/2023 07:15

Yep, sexual assault. Get out before it gets worse.

Hoardasurass · 27/04/2023 07:15

Phone the police he sexually assaulted you !

Gettingbysomehow · 27/04/2023 07:16

You were in an abusive relationship before and you are in another one now.
Normal loving partners do not behave like this.
You desperately need therapy on your own to work out why you keep choosing abusive men.
I've done this myself and have decided to stay single and concentrate on my lovely DS and working on healthy friendships.

NotAHouse · 27/04/2023 07:17

Practical advice? Sleep in a separate room with a lock on the door. Oh, and leave his abusive ass.

Supersteer · 27/04/2023 07:19

This is 100% assault.

He is an abuser and this is not remotely normal, please consider telling someone what you're going through and leaving.

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 07:21

Absolutely repulsive, literally leave him,

why would you want to stay with this sex pest.

makemineadoublee · 27/04/2023 07:22

Practical advice ask him to leave or tell him you’ll call the police

Original poster
namechangeagainagainagain1 · 27/04/2023 07:27

Gettingbysomehow · 27/04/2023 07:16

You were in an abusive relationship before and you are in another one now.
Normal loving partners do not behave like this.
You desperately need therapy on your own to work out why you keep choosing abusive men.
I've done this myself and have decided to stay single and concentrate on my lovely DS and working on healthy friendships.

I think you're right. I do need some therapy to work through my feelings.

Lots of replies saying LTB, call the police etc and even though the responses are basically all the same yet my initial response to reading these was - how ridiculous, such extreme suggestions - but I know I'm minimising his actions and normalising his behaviour.

OP posts:
Dedodee · 27/04/2023 07:33

OP you have directly asked your dh not to touch you when you’re asleep.
Why do his expectations override your decisions about your own body?
Its not normal for a man to sexually assault his partner if she’s asked him not to touch her.
Me and dh have a different relationship where I enjoy being touched sexually when I’m sleepy. However my dh absolutely would not do this if I said no. And on occasions I’ve said no and he’s not sulked because he respects my bodily autonomy.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 27/04/2023 07:33

Its uncomfortable reading op, so it must be horrendous to live with. No intimate touch should be without consent. You cannot consent if you are drunk. You have explicitly told him not to touch you whilst you are asleep but he has continued to do so. This is abuse and extreme disrespect. Please get help.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 27/04/2023 07:34

Sorry that was a mistake, I meant to say drunk or asleep. I wasn't implying that you were drunk. Sorry again.

BlastedPimples · 27/04/2023 07:35

He sexually assaulted you.

His sulking is the least of your problems.

He is an abuser.

What if his penis is inside you next time? Is that less acceptable to you?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/04/2023 07:38

It's classed as assault by penetration, so a criminal offence.

Perhaps you might like to remind him of that, when he sulks.

I would have left him for the hook up sites alone, but the fact he can't keep his hands to himself would seal the deal.

Gtsr443 · 27/04/2023 07:39

Can you stop sharing a bed? Kick his arse out into the spare room/ sofa and lock your door at night. Then decide if you really want to be with a person like this.

Oysterbabe · 27/04/2023 07:41

I agree LTB.
If you're not going to do that, sit him down and tell him that he must never touch you when you're asleep again, you do not consent to that, it's assault and that you could call the police. He needs to understand how serious what he's doing is. I bet he's telling himself that it's no big deal and you don't mind that much.

Comtesse · 27/04/2023 07:50

i am sorry OP he is behaving very badly. Hook up sites, unwanted touching and now stonewalling. You are not over reacting, in fact I would say you are probably under reacting Flowers

FishChipsMushyPeas · 27/04/2023 07:52

You are minimising - touching you against your will and then sulking about it? Its not his 'right' to have access to your body whenever he feels like it.

Its no wonder you arent attracted to him mind, how could you be?

YouAreNotBatman · 27/04/2023 07:54

He sexually assaulted you, while you were sleeping, and now his grumpy with you?

This man is not right, there is something deeply wrong with him.

msisfine · 27/04/2023 07:56

This is really horrible for you, I'm sorry. But waking up with his fingers inside you is the very definition of a sexual assault. You cannot consent if you're not awake. The sulking afterwards is emotional manipulation and trying to pin the blame on you. He sounds like a wrong 'un. Speaking from experience, when you end a relationship the practical side of things can seem overwhelming, but it's short term and in the long run so much better than being trapped in a relationship with a horrible man like this.

jay55 · 27/04/2023 07:56

Sexually assaulting you is not a way to make you feel like you want more sex with him. Maybe he needs to realise his actions put him hat he wants further and further away.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Greenfairydust · 27/04/2023 08:27

Unfortunately you are in another abusive relationship.

What you are describing (husband groping you when you told him not/you are asleep so cannot give consent) is assault.

You need to leave him.

He is just another vile man who thinks a woman's body is his property and his sexual needs come above anything else.

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2023 08:31

Anyone putting their hands in or on your vagina without your consent is sexually assaulting you. The fact that you are married is irrelevant

Tinkerbyebye · 27/04/2023 08:49

why don’t you understand? Why are you normalising bus behaviour

you have already been in one abusive relationship, just because your husband is not ‘as bad’ as your previous partner doesn’t mean he isn’t sexually assaulting you, he is

why are you continuing to sleep in the same bed as him, knowing you are leaving yourself open to assault?

is it acceptable for your children to have him as an example, a sulking man child who is prepared to assist his wife?

this really is a case of leaving. Get your ducks in a row now. And in the meantime stop sleeping in the same room as him