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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sulking husband

49 replies

namechangeagainagainagain1 · 27/04/2023 07:08

Name change for this.

Married 10 years. 2 young children. Busy jobs etc etc.

My sex drive is basically non-existent. A combination of tiredness and uro-gynae issues (that I am under a specialist for) and if I'm honest no sexual attraction to my husband. But we still generally have sex about once a week.

That isn't enough for my husband. He does this incredibly annoying thing when he gropes me when I am sleeping - squeezing my bum, boobs etc. I've repeatedly told him not to do this. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and as not to drip feed I was in an abusive relationship years ago when this type of thing happened and I basically just had to lie there while this guy had sex with me. That relationship has definitely given me an uncomfortable relationship/view on sex. My husband knows this!!

Also my husband has been caught on sex hook-up websites although he's never acted on it??? So he says. But that's another reason I think I struggle with a sexual relationship.

A couple of nights ago I was woken up with his fingers probing my vagina. I told him to stop which he did. But he's been in a mood with me ever since.

Yesterday evening I brought it up and told him that I have asked him on many occasions not to do this. Can't he realise it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. His reply was "can't I realise he's a sexual being". He then stomped off and we've not spoken since.

Our relationship hasn't been great for a while. I think I want us to break up but there's just so many practicalities in the way. And the relationship isn't awful.

AIBU for telling him to stop touching me in my sleep and is his annoyance validated?

Some practical advice would be great rather than a million LTB.

Thank you

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 27/04/2023 08:49

Assault not assist

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 08:57

So your abusive sex pest husband regularly sexually assaults you?

You poor woman.

Please call Womens aid for advice and support.

This is a police matter.

Of course you may feel this is an excessive response but you are regularly being sexually assaulted.

Speaking to Womens aid will confirm this.

I think you should speak to Womens aid and then TELL him to leave.

See how he feels about police involvement, being informed about what he thinks is his right.

Abusive pigs aren't long getting a fright when they hear the words going to the police.

You need to leave this relationship but HE needs to leave the house.

Reach out to family and friends for support

millymoo1202 · 27/04/2023 08:57

Are you with my ex husband? I could’ve written your post 5 years ago. I woke up one night with his hands down by shorts, when I called him out he accused me of having an affair and slept in spare room for a week as it was my fault! I’m now divorced, yrs it’s been tough as I have 2 teenagers but I’m in a good place now and have recently started seeing someone new who couldn’t be more different. You know what you need to do

Danni73 · 27/04/2023 09:00

Sorry but as others have said this is abuse. I’ve been in a similar situation and can assure that it’s not going to get any better, its very likely to get worse. Please contact Woman’s aid and ask them for support in terms of making a plan to safely leave him. Wishing you all the best.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

SchoolTripDrama · 27/04/2023 09:16

Hoardasurass · 27/04/2023 07:15

Phone the police he sexually assaulted you !

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous!

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 09:18

Previous abusive relationship or not, this is not ok. I would stop sharing a bed with him, probably also stop sharing a house with him.

Nordicrain · 27/04/2023 09:19

SchoolTripDrama · 27/04/2023 09:16

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous!

Show quote history

You don't think penetrating someone with your fingers while they are unable to consent is sexual assult?

Botw1 · 27/04/2023 09:24

He is sexually assaulting you.

Why do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who sexually assaults you and has cheated on you?

You meed to work on your self respect and leave before he actually rapes you.

Urghfedup · 27/04/2023 09:45

I know you want practical solutions other than LTB so maybe try the freedom program and individual counselling. I’m so sorry he has assaulted you in a place you should feel safe. It often take repeated attempts for a woman to leave an abusive relationship so don’t feel discouraged that you are staying currently, one day you will realise that this isn’t love or even care.

SavBlancTonight · 27/04/2023 09:57

You can't see it as sexual assualt becuase somehow you've internalised this idea that he, as your husband, as a right to your body. But that is intrinsically false.

If you were sleeping and any other man woke you up with his fingers in your vagina, you would not for a second think it was anything but sexual assualt. Just becuase he's your husband, doesn't mean it's any different.

no man has a right to your body no matter what your relationship with him is

SittingOnTheChair · 27/04/2023 10:01

A sulking man child, sexual assault, controlling and unfaithful.

You went from one abusive relationship to another OP.

Itsnotalwaysme · 27/04/2023 10:05

I was given some advice before and it seemed so appropriate but now I can't remember it properly....

It's something like, "when you have been in the basement for so long you may mistake (forgotten word) for the penthouse"

Meaning something that's a little better than what you are familiar with can still be awful, and it can take a very long time to recognise that because you're so focused on the good part you didn't have before.

You deserve the penthouse, I promise, and this isn't it.

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2023 10:07

You’re in another abusive relationship - he’s continually sexually assaulting you

Latenightreader · 27/04/2023 10:13

I had a boyfriend who did this - we had been together two years. I couldn't share a room with him after that and although the relationship dragged on for a few months I couldn't bear him touching or kissing me. It was only years later that I put two and two together and realised that I'd felt assaulted by the person who was usually so kind, thoughtful and loving. My only regret is that I didn't say anything at the time (lay frozen for a few minutes and then rolled away and pretended I was still asleep). He never understood what went wrong, and to be honest I didn't for a long while.

Some people like to be woken up by intimate contact and that's fine for them, but it just feels so utterly non-consensual to me and I really think you should get out before worse things happen.

Hoardasurass · 27/04/2023 10:21

SchoolTripDrama · 27/04/2023 09:16

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous!

Show quote history

What is ridiculous about reporting a serious sexual assault? I ask because that is exactly what he did and the correct response is to report the CRIME to the police

KILM · 27/04/2023 10:30

If a stranger did this to you, you'd call the police.
I'm so so sorry that this has been happening to you. I know you don't want 'LTB's but he is sexually assaulting you. And although i know the ideal is you report him to the police, but that is easier said than done when you have been assaulted by the person whose meant to love you.
If you arent ready to report him and kick him out/leave, I'm sure there's plenty of pages online that explain what constitutes assault, maybe sending him a link to one of these (from womans aid or another reputable source) will shock him enough to get him to stop until you can leave - or is he aggressive, would this put you at further risk?
Because you should leave - as another poster has said, you deserve the penthouse, not the basement.

Nottodayy · 27/04/2023 11:01

This makes serious sick.. very triggering, sorry

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/04/2023 11:24

SchoolTripDrama · 27/04/2023 09:16

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous!

Show quote history

It's assault by penetration and is a criminal offence.

What is utterly ridiculous about that @SchoolTripDrama unless you are someone who does such a thing?

potniatheron · 27/04/2023 11:28

Hi OP, I would suggest getting therapy before you decide what to do about the relationship as you need to understand yourself and how your background has affected you, and also be in the strongest possible place emotionally before you take action.

LisaD1 · 27/04/2023 11:37

I’d be furious and this would be the end for me. You should be safe to sleep in your own home without being sexually assaulted in your sleep.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/04/2023 11:51

I don't know how old you are but with two small children, presumably fairly young? And how long are you going to put up with this? Another 40/50 years? You're being treated like a piece of meat, and it won't stop.

heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 13:48

Hoardasurass · 27/04/2023 07:15

Phone the police he sexually assaulted you !

Good luck getting the 'police' to do anything! Best she can do is finish with him.

heavenhelpmenow · 12/09/2023 13:51

Sorting out the practicalities is temporary - a small price to pay to not be sexually assaulted, disrespected and to sleep soundly. Plus you are then in a position where you can heal and in time, meet someone decent.

EvilElsa · 12/09/2023 14:12

I'm sorry OP, that's awful. Like others have said, it's sexual assault and I'd be looking for an exit sharpish. If I woke up to being touched intimately I'd lash out -it would make me panic and feel so violated. I'm so sorry you have had to put up with this shit. He clearly doesn't give a fuck that you don't fancy him and have medical issues, he's just after a hole to bang (sorry, but it's true).
He has every right to leave if he wants a sexual relationship -but he can't force you into sex or assault you because you don't want one.
Can you sleep separately until you make plans? I'd rather sleep on a floor than with him.

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