Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To grieve for best friends marriage?

47 replies

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 01:41

My best friend and her husband are splitting up. They decided a week ago and I was totally shocked, I hadn't seen this coming at all, although it is driven more by the husband.
But what has also surprised me is that I honestly feel like I am grieving for their marriage. I can't stop thinking about this.

OP posts:
Latenightreader · 27/04/2023 01:55

I can empathise. Friends of mine recently separated, and felt very sad. It was partly because I had often looked back at their wedding as one of the loveliest I've attended - they were so happy and so much in love back then. I absolutely support them, but I suppose I am sad that what seemed so perfect once, actually wasn't.

Hawkins003 · 27/04/2023 01:57

I guess sometimes we don't have the full picture to understand why etc

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/04/2023 02:03

It's normal to feel this as you're close to both of them and so much of their identity had been tied up in the marriage.

BUT - do whatever you need to do to pull yourself together and do NOT burden your friend with your grief.

Brinnt675 · 27/04/2023 02:22

Seems odd unless you are very close to them both?

I had a similar feeling with a friends marriage breakdown and when I talked things through with a different friend I realised it was because I was unhappy in my relationship.

Original poster
AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 09:28

My relationship is very happy. But I am close to both of them. I am not going to discuss my feelings with them.
But glad to hear some people say this is normal, thanks.

OP posts:
Belltentdreamer · 27/04/2023 09:32

I think it’s a bit of an end of an era feeling perhaps if you all socialised together and ‘grew up’ within the marriage together as couples.

Batalax · 27/04/2023 09:36

I absolutely mourned my sisters marriage falling apart. My bil was great and I miss him.

Even if you see both parties separately, the dynamics will be changed forever, and that’s sad.

2chocolateoranges · 27/04/2023 09:36

Perfectly normal, when my friend and her dh divorced I felt great sadness. We got married within months of each other and also had our children around the same time and shared many “milestones” together I was shocked and sad to hear their news .

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2023 09:39

I remember this many years ago when best friends separated. We used to go on holidays together pre kids and it felt like it did when my parents divorced. I still wonder now if they had stayed together and had kids how we would have had a different relationship and would have been each others lives more as we all got on so well.

FrogsWormsandButterflies · 27/04/2023 09:39

I think it can be a shock, for me people were shocked when my marriage ended as they said they hadn’t seen it coming, to me I was in the marriage and knew that it was far from perfect

MorrisZapp · 27/04/2023 09:40

People get really weird about others breaking up. It's like they're letting the side down somehow. If I've got to live in an ltr then so should you etc.

I remember over reacting when Kate Winslet had sausages and mash at her wedding then split up with him. I don't know them but it felt like a betrayal of all the goodwill their marriage generated.

Slimjimtobe · 27/04/2023 09:41

It’s shows you are a kind person and love your friend - Also how vulnerable we all are

xx

Daniki · 27/04/2023 09:42

I think that's totally normal if you're close to them both. We ALL have a favourite couple and would be sad if they split! My best friend and her boyfriend of 5 years split up recently and I was quite sad about it as I love them both but was able to look back and pin point a few red flags that we probably overlooked as we were all close! (Not saying that's the issue here)

DrManhattan · 27/04/2023 09:42

Some people don't like it because it will mean a change to the dynamics in their own life. Grieve seems like a strong word to use though

LakeTiticaca · 27/04/2023 09:46

If you are close to both and you socialise with them as couples it's probably quite normal to be sad about it x

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 09:47

I’m not sure if grieve is the right word, but things change dramatically when close friends split up.

firstly you need to see them both socially separately, so have to try to make if fair to both of them how often you see them.
they will each talk about it, so you end up sympathising with both sides when you do see them.
then you need to integrate the new partners when they come along.

it’s not the same as it was when they were together.

our close friends split. It was awkward as fuck. She drove it and he was not wanting it. Then the new partners came, she is still with the first serious guy she introduced us to, he’s on woman no 100 or so it feels. Getting sick of meeting them to be honest. Especially when many of them it’s just for the rampant sex they are offering up. It’s just so utterly, utterly fucked up.

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 09:49

Very normal, two of our close friends separated and it really took us by surprise.
After about a month, it transpired that he'd been having an affair for about a year including when his wife had been pregnant.

We've been friends since we were children so it really hit me hard. One of the hardest parts was she decided to have absolutely nothing to do with us following the split and totally cut us off. I don't know why, we knew nothing about his affair.

Whydidyou · 27/04/2023 09:50

Did you support him even after you knew about the affair?
Maybe she felt hurt by that.

mybestchildismycat · 27/04/2023 09:52

Very sadly I think our oldest friends may be heading in this direction. I am much closer to the wife - she's my best friend - but both DH and I are extremely fond of both of them, we've been friends for many years and love spending time with them. I won't burden her with my feelings but privately I will absolutely grieve the end of our shared friendship.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/04/2023 09:55

It unsettles the status quo and often makes you think 'if it happened to them, it could happen to me' (particularly when it is, as it seems, out of the blue).

My XH and I were the happiest, most in love couple. Everyone used to say how they wished their relationship was like ours, how obviously in love we were, how we lit up in one another's presence.

So when he announced he was leaving me it blindsided everyone (including, to be honest, me) and a lot of people were left thinking deeply about their own relationships.

FoxFeatures · 27/04/2023 09:58

You are sad for your friend and grieving your joint future and fun as two couples. Perfectly normal.

SavBlancTonight · 27/04/2023 09:59

I think feeling a bit sad is normal, and of course, if they're your friends you are sad that things didn't work out.

"grieving" does feel like a strong word though.

Catspyjamas17 · 27/04/2023 10:14

I understand. Grieving is probably a bit strong, but it can be a shock when you remember their lovely wedding and thought they were so in love and a strong couple, and it can be difficult or impossible to remain friends with both parties. It can also make people question and reflect on their own relationship, and that can be uncomfortable.

Changerazelea · 27/04/2023 10:18

OP must agree that I have found recent news of best friends splitting up extremely sad.
Has made me realise that some friendships can be close but that you can never really tell whats going on in someone's relationship. They seemed so happy prior to this news and although amicable has made me fearful for the future at times as in, its unpredictably.

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 10:25

Please don't say it to them. Someone said it to me when I was going through a divorce, it had taken me a long time to come to terms with breaking up my family, I knew I had to do it but it broke my heart and someone else telling me how it upset them was like a knife in my guts. I've never looked at her quite the same, we are related, I'm in contact but nearly 40 years later there is that barrier.