Page 2 | To grieve for best friends marriage?

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 27/04/2023 10:26

FoxFeatures · 27/04/2023 09:58

You are sad for your friend and grieving your joint future and fun as two couples. Perfectly normal.

Agreed. Normal to be sad that something you considered to be happy is coming to an end.

WandaWomblesaurus · 27/04/2023 10:28

Randomly (bear with me!) I was reading something this morning about Bono where he was talking about The Edge splitting up with his wife when they were making Achtung Baby - which is an album all about the dark belly of breaking up. The split affected his family too because their wives (and children) were best friends. It changed everything about their family dynamics as a group, so it's not just about supporting his friend but also his wife losing her "family" too.

When we are close to people and we couple up, make a family, circle the wagons, protect each other, form a community, the break of a part of that affects people in that community to some extent. It's not because we are living our lives through others or just being vicarious, but because the security net of everyone involved is being torn somewhere. It's also because you love your friends and you can imagine being in their shoes and empathise with their feelings.

When I broke up with my ex the same friends who blessed our wedding did a blessing for the breakup too.

It's all very sad OP. Just be there for them as they work it out x

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:34

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 09:28

My relationship is very happy. But I am close to both of them. I am not going to discuss my feelings with them.
But glad to hear some people say this is normal, thanks.

I think it’s totally normal to feel as you do. You had something valuable from having them as a couple friendship, which is now gone. It’s a significant lose. Be very considered in how you interact with them now to make sure you’re sensitive to trying not to let your reaction overshadow their much more significant grief.

In reality, It’s very hard to remain friends with both individuals in this situation I find. Even if you try to, chances are at least one of them will struggle with you remaining friends with the other. My sister lost some dear friends when she realised she wasn’t in the right relationship. Joint friends that had initially been her friends took her decision very personally and decided to keep their friendship going with her ex fiancé instead of her.

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:35

Did you support him even after you knew about the affair?
Maybe she felt hurt by that.

No I didn't. I was shocked and upset, I never imagined he'd do that to anybody. I told him what I thought and there was a difficulty in our friendship for a while after that.

She called me and explained she knew he is DHs best friend and wasn't expecting me to have nothing to do with him going forward, and didn't want me to pick sides.

She then proceeded to say an awful lot of horrible things about me to a few different people, and cut me off. She knew I wanted to support her through everything.
She was always a bit twisted and said a lot of hurtful things during our friendship but as he was DHs best friend, I never made a fuss of it.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:39

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 09:49

Very normal, two of our close friends separated and it really took us by surprise.
After about a month, it transpired that he'd been having an affair for about a year including when his wife had been pregnant.

We've been friends since we were children so it really hit me hard. One of the hardest parts was she decided to have absolutely nothing to do with us following the split and totally cut us off. I don't know why, we knew nothing about his affair.

I don’t think it means she thought you knew. Or that she didn’t value your friendship. I think that your friendship was a reminder of the hurt that she had to move on from to heal. We had mutual friends - 2 married couples. When one half of each couple had an affair together, we tried to remain neutral and supportive of them all and it was the woman who had been cheated on that couldn’t cope with staying friends with us.

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:41

I don’t think it means she thought you knew. Or that she didn’t value your friendship. I think that your friendship was a reminder of the hurt that she had to move on from to heal. We had mutual friends - 2 married couples. When one half of each couple had an affair together, we tried to remain neutral and supportive of them all and it was the woman who had been cheated on that couldn’t cope with staying friends with us.

I get that and I assumed that was why she did it. The hurtful things she said about me (when I knew nothing about the affair - I'd have told her if I did) weren't nice, but I put that down to her experiencing so much hurt and grief and it needed to come out in some way at the time.

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 10:42

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:39

I don’t think it means she thought you knew. Or that she didn’t value your friendship. I think that your friendship was a reminder of the hurt that she had to move on from to heal. We had mutual friends - 2 married couples. When one half of each couple had an affair together, we tried to remain neutral and supportive of them all and it was the woman who had been cheated on that couldn’t cope with staying friends with us.

Show quote history

I think it is hard when people try to be neutral about your partner who has hurt you.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:43

Cheapcookies · 27/04/2023 10:35

Did you support him even after you knew about the affair?
Maybe she felt hurt by that.

No I didn't. I was shocked and upset, I never imagined he'd do that to anybody. I told him what I thought and there was a difficulty in our friendship for a while after that.

She called me and explained she knew he is DHs best friend and wasn't expecting me to have nothing to do with him going forward, and didn't want me to pick sides.

She then proceeded to say an awful lot of horrible things about me to a few different people, and cut me off. She knew I wanted to support her through everything.
She was always a bit twisted and said a lot of hurtful things during our friendship but as he was DHs best friend, I never made a fuss of it.

I’m not sure you can make those last comments whilst also feeling surprised she didn’t want to continue the friendship with you. If you feel you’re saying those comments because you’re hurt, then it’s equally possible she said what she said about you from a place of hurt too. If her husband was best friends with yours then any friendship you had with her was always going to a casualty if one couple broke up.

Original poster

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 10:53

It is true we spent a lot of time socialising as couples and went on holiday together. So yes it means a change to our social life.

We have met with each individually and have been clear we just want them to each be happy. Some other people are giving them advice about staying together, but that is not up to other people to advise. And I do not think it will happen anyway.
We want to try and stay friends with both individually.

It is the first time close friends in a very long marriage have split up. I had never before thought about the obvious facts that it changes the dynamics with everyone around them.

OP posts:

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:57

“We want to try and stay friends with both individually.”

I totally get why you want to do this but in my experience the person who hasn’t chosen to end the marriage (you indicate this is the wife for your friends) is likely to struggle with you staying friends with her soon to be ex.

PicaK · 27/04/2023 10:58

I don't think grief is too strong a word - you are suffering a loss. I'm not sure you need telling not to burden them with your feelings as nothing in your op suggests you were about to.
I saw the effect my break up has had on friends. Things have changed substantially. So yanbu to feel this way.
There are lots of roles you can play now.... Be the one that is totally on their side listens to the ranting and listens towhat a bitch/bastard the other is. Not long term healthy but much needed in the short term. Give good advice, steer them away from game playing etc.
Or be the one who is so neutral and won't engage so that your friends can't let their true feelings show. Really hurts in the short term - I did feel like they weren't there for me.

Arucana · 27/04/2023 11:00

Arucana · 27/04/2023 10:57

“We want to try and stay friends with both individually.”

I totally get why you want to do this but in my experience the person who hasn’t chosen to end the marriage (you indicate this is the wife for your friends) is likely to struggle with you staying friends with her soon to be ex.

In fact I’ve just realised that I’ve make a conscious choice not to turn my closest female friends and their partners/husbands into couple friends even if I really like them and think couple friendship would be great. I’m careful to do the same either neighbours too. I’m friendly and friends but never close friends.

febrezeme · 27/04/2023 11:02

I think it's the Un settlement, the sense of vulnerability, an end of an era feeling, a sense we are getting older and actually not kids anymore, that things are going to change inevitably, dynamics will change and be different, new people may be introduced to your circle once if/when they move on to meet others, that in some way you have to put the past to bed - you can't reminisce about fun stuff you did with them as a couple when they meet someone new, that loyalty lines may be drawn and you may have to choose. Ripples in a pond.

Original poster

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 11:16

I won't choose, but I know they may choose.

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 11:22

I chose to cut people off who stayed friends with my ex. I tried but I would hear that they'd told him things about my life, nothing that exciting but I didn't like the thought I was discussed with him even if it was just that I was looking to move house or change jobs. Sometimes I let people know that it was me or him and let them choose.

Original poster

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 11:26

I would never tell each other things they have told me about their life.
They say they want to stay friends, but I do not know how realistic that is.
I have listened to them both individually talk about why they have broken up. Being honest they are just different people and not that well suited. We were surprised when they got together. But they have been together 25 years, so a long time ago I just concluded I was wrong - opposites attract and all that kind of stuff. But the complaints they have about each other are just about wanting to do things differently.

OP posts:

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/04/2023 11:26

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 01:41

My best friend and her husband are splitting up. They decided a week ago and I was totally shocked, I hadn't seen this coming at all, although it is driven more by the husband.
But what has also surprised me is that I honestly feel like I am grieving for their marriage. I can't stop thinking about this.

I've felt the same about 2 friends' marriages. In neither case was it going to affect me directly (they live too far away for couples socialising, etc and I don't even see the female friend in each case very often), but they'd been married for decades and I really grieved for them.

BeautifulWar · 27/04/2023 11:28

I think it's quite unsettling when that happens, especially if from an outside perspective it's unexpected.

Of course you often don't know the ins and outs, but it's made me feel a little destabilised before for a short while. It's a reminder of how uncertain life can be and how changeable.

TrudyProud · 27/04/2023 11:30

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 01:41

My best friend and her husband are splitting up. They decided a week ago and I was totally shocked, I hadn't seen this coming at all, although it is driven more by the husband.
But what has also surprised me is that I honestly feel like I am grieving for their marriage. I can't stop thinking about this.

I totally understand this. I feel the same about my best friends marriage (together for nearly 20 years, married for nearly 10). I've known him for only 3 years less than I've known her.

Ultimately though she's my best friend, she wanted to end the relationship and my loyalty remains to her.

It is sad though

littlefireseverywhere · 27/04/2023 12:23

We had friends like this, for a variety of reasons we now see neither of them.

Bluevelvetsofa · 27/04/2023 12:32

Perhaps people feel a bit vulnerable themselves. If you see close friends splitting, who had seemed very together and happy, it can make you wonder about your own relationship, even though you know you aren’t at that stage. But there’s always ‘what if’

Sumshinebound · 06/10/2024 15:48

AskMeMore · 27/04/2023 01:41

My best friend and her husband are splitting up. They decided a week ago and I was totally shocked, I hadn't seen this coming at all, although it is driven more by the husband.
But what has also surprised me is that I honestly feel like I am grieving for their marriage. I can't stop thinking about this.

This has just happened with one of my good friends and I feel like I'm grieving a bit. I was one of the bridesmaids and they were always such a rock of a couple. They have two kids who will understand to an extent and it feels very sad. I just can't believe it. They have drifted for the last few years and so I guess I'm not completely surprised but wish they had gone to counselling rather than than had affairs (both sides) and buried heads in sand.