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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to get out of going to wedding

34 replies

GHD16 · 27/04/2023 00:53

Looking for a bit of advice. Me and my partner have 2 kids 9 year old and young baby. My partners brother has been with his fiancé for just over a year and they are going to get married later in the year but we have had a few issues with them and I really don’t want to go to their wedding but I feel that I have to let my feelings slide and just get on with them for my partners mother. The brothers fiancé has a son from a previous relationship who has just started high school and the brother has 2 kids from his previous relationship.

the first issue began was when I was having my gender reveal. We had invited one of my partners cousins who the fiancée was friends with for years until they had a fall out. The fiancé seen that she was at the gender reveal and walked back out my house without even acknowledging me and the brother followed leaving her son and his 2 kids. I was then asked the next day by the mum to phone and see if the fiancé was ok because she had anxiety over seeing the cousin. I was very upset by this as I felt she ruined my day by causing an unnecessary drama and they could have used it as an opportunity to resolve things.

the fiancés son has also hit my 9 year old boy, spat on his face and made up lies about him for the brother to threaten to come to our house while I was pregnant and shout down the phone at my partner and son and also call my son a C*NT.

we have never had any apology from them for the son’s behaviour or the Brothers - we have had to have them at our house on request of my partners mother to see the baby. Weren’t told when they have been invited to dinner at my partners mothers house and expected to play happy families.

my partner has spoke to his mum and said we do not want her son near ours and we are fed up with him being horrible to him … our issues have fell on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Original poster
GHD16 · 27/04/2023 00:56

Clicked post before I was finished. The last thing I want to do is celebrate their wedding - and my partner who hardly speaks to his brother has now been asked to be best man along slide his other brother - I take this because they have no one else to ask.

I really don’t want to go, don’t want to upset the mother but don’t want to upset myself either.

OP posts:
Sconesandgravy · 27/04/2023 00:58

I would just say you can't make it. If they ask why tell them. Sometimes you need to put yourself and your family first.

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/04/2023 01:00

I guess it’s up to your dh if he wants to be in the wedding. You don’t have to bring your kids. You could go and leave early to pick up the kids. Perhaps your baby becomes unwell.

caringcarer · 27/04/2023 03:58

I'd just decline the invitation. No need to specify why. Just send a card and your DH can decide if he wants to go without you or not.

Oysterbabe · 27/04/2023 04:21

I agree just send DH and find an excuse for you not to go.

IrregularChoiceFan · 27/04/2023 04:24

I'd just send DH and not attend.

MNbingo · 27/04/2023 04:32

You lost me on “gender reveal”.

Murdoch1949 · 27/04/2023 04:42

Why put yourself through the stress? The bride to be is rude and insensitive, the bridegroom is a bullying fool. The mother of bridegroom needs to understand that her son cannot treat his nephew the way he did. Just say you can't go. No reason is necessary. Why be a best man to someone who called his son a C.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/04/2023 04:49

I think your MIL maybe trying to make peace with between the families - hence the new baby visits and joint dinner at her house. It's annoying but it comes from a good place.

It's clear you don't get or like them and to this I would say don't go - you can send a formal reply saying 'thank you for your invitation but we are unable to attend' Your DH is a different matter, being asked to be a best man is a big deal, is this the groom's way of trying to make amends? How does your husband feel about this? Does he want to go? In your situation, I would be happy for him to go and I would stay at home and do something with the kids

Kingoftheroad · 27/04/2023 05:22

No way would I go. Let your partner decide for himself what he will do. I would never ever be around people who allowed my child to be spat upon. What your brother in law called your wee son was absolutely vile.

Avoid them at all costs.

BombasticSideEye · 27/04/2023 05:25

MNbingo · 27/04/2023 04:32

You lost me on “gender reveal”.

Grow up 🙄

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 27/04/2023 05:57

They sound like nasty people. If your husband wants/feels obliged to go, let him, but the rest of you can decline.

My husband has a complicated family. We are low contact with most of them. They are not worth our headspace.

eish · 27/04/2023 06:35

I think your reason for not liking her leaving the party is not fair. If she has anxiety over it she may have needed to go. Commenting that she could have stayed and sorted out may have resulted in an enormous fight which would’ve been awful.

The other parts do sound horrible though. If you want to decline do but I suspect this will cause a big family fall out. If you have to go to support partner I’d leave your kids with someone nice and not the wedding.

Coxspurplepippin · 27/04/2023 06:42

You have perfectly valid reasons for not attending. If your DH is ok going, he can go on his own. No need for long explanations, just say you're unable to attend.

GoFasterKnickers · 27/04/2023 06:46

MNbingo · 27/04/2023 04:32

You lost me on “gender reveal”.

Same 🤣

OP, YABU for having a gender reveal because cringe. But will assume you’re American and move on.

For everything else: YANBU.

Only thing I’m curious about is what your partner thinks about it all?

Non-nuclear option with plausible deniability is to have a childcare issue (are kids invited to wedding) or Covid a few days before.

They sound dreadful. Good luck.

GoFasterKnickers · 27/04/2023 06:48

Oh, also - bear in mind you inviting the person she hates to the gender reveal in the hope they might make up, is no different to your mil wanting the same at wedding. So I wouldn’t be too harsh on her for leaving as clearly you do t like being in sane position.

Melodybogwot · 27/04/2023 07:59

@GoFasterKnickers I don't think she was hoping they would make up as it was her husband's cousin, so I suppose not shocking that they would be there.
I'll go for you OP because it sounds like it's going to be a drama filled day 😂

thecatsthecats · 27/04/2023 08:16

I was very upset by this as I felt she ruined my day by causing an unnecessary drama and they could have used it as an opportunity to resolve things.

I'm curious as to why this wouldn't apply both ways?

Either way, it's a terrible idea. Other people's events are never a good time or place to settle differences.

So no, don't go to the wedding, but I think your husband has a stronger case than you.

"She left my party" is not remotely in the same league as "he called my son, his nephew, a cunt".

Banrockmystation · 27/04/2023 08:31

Sorry but your child’s uncle called him a c@nt? No I wouldn’t let my children near that.
why have you already? So much people pleasing in her!

Testina · 27/04/2023 08:39

“I was very upset by this as I felt she ruined my day by causing an unnecessary drama and they could have used it as an opportunity to resolve things.”

This was just silly of you. Why would two people who have seriously fallen out suddenly make it up in the context of somewhere else’s party, when they’re taken by surprise to see each other?
Exactly how much “drama” does it cause to realise this situation isn’t going to work, is anxious and slip out?

What actually happened? Did she actually come in and start shouting, “I’m not staying here with that f^king c*!t” whilst flipping over the cake table and accidentally revealing your baby’s biological sex in the crumbs on the floor?! 🤣

Are you not a bad host for not pre-empting the issue and letting them both know in advance the other would be there? Sounds like you caused the situation.

As for even having a dilemma over adults that will call your child a cunt? For goodness sake, grow up, step away from the trash.

Testina · 27/04/2023 08:49

“my partner has spoke to his mum and said we do not want her son near ours and we are fed up with him being horrible to him … our issues have fell on deaf ears.”

It doesn’t need to fall on anyone’s ears except you and your boyfriend. Protecting your child is your job. Parent up, and do it.
I would tell them openly - we are declining this invitation because we’re not attending a “family” event when you and your son abuse our child. If it was only the cousin to your son, there’d be a case for your boyfriend going alone to his brother’s wedding. But the fuck would I attend a wedding or a sibling who called my child a cunt. I just wouldn’t.

It’s good that you at least don’t want to go. But now, you need to actually be a good parent and show that you protect your child. Be honest - say you have no intention of going for the real reason.

Then cut this trash out completely.

LimeCheesecake · 27/04/2023 09:01

Normally I would say just don’t go, however not going to your brothers wedding is a massive statement in the family and really if your DP doesn’t go, that will be effectively ending their relationship, which will have a knock on effect to wider family relationships. It’s also a massive statement not to go to your BILs wedding if your DP is going. It is unlikely you will be able to come back from this, but also highly likely the wider family will see you /your DP as the ones at fault, not the brother, irrespective of what’s happened before.

not going (assuming it’s in the same country/easy to attend) will end your relationship with them and possibly /probably with the other brother/DPs mum might never forgive him/you. (And it will be you that gets the blame if you both don’t go).

given that, I’d go. Arrange childcare for your dcs and don’t bring them. Say to wider family you think the kids wouldn’t enjoy it/easier with out them etc. if they are having a traditional day, go to the ceremony, sit down meal etc then leave straight after first dance. Don’t stay for the evening once drink is flowing. You can both just quietly sneak out, low drama, blame having to get back for the kids.

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 27/04/2023 09:04

Is this a script for Eastenders? Do not go, say you can’t get a sitter.

Whichnumbers · 27/04/2023 09:08

One person leaving your place, that ruined your gender reveal? Is she really that important at social gatherings that not being there ruins the day?

im sure your do wants to be at siblings wedding, but much not to go. Suck it up and go along

iknowimcoming · 27/04/2023 09:09

MNbingo · 27/04/2023 04:32

You lost me on “gender reveal”.

Same! Wink