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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being selfish, should I just wait?

41 replies

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:31

This is a bit long but will try not to ramble on too much. I have 2 children, one only goes to preschool half days. I currently work a Tuesday morning, 2 evenings a week and every second Sunday. A nice little job has just came up that I would really like to apply for as a second job, it's 1 evening a week and a day shift 10 -3 and then every second Sunday. DH has already said in the past he would only be happy with me working an additional evening if I dropped my Tuesday morning. Which on the face of it probably sounds reasonable. But, I can't work a Monday morning as he goes out socially, can't work a Monday evening as he plays football (sometimes fits in sleep as well if he does Monday night overtime), can't work Tuesday evening as he goes to bed ready for nightshift (fair enough), doesn't want me doing the other evening I don't currently work as it's the only day he gets a long sleep. Can't work another evening in the week as he has started playing football on that day as well. Doesn't want me doing any additional Sundays as it's time we spend together as a family. So if I were to apply for this second job I would have to try and drop my Tuesday shift in my current job to keep him happy, then for the other shift I would have to pay for someone (probably MIL) to pick up my youngest and have her for a few hours, until DH wakes up, then he would need to drop MIL back off at home as on that particular day I would be going straight from one job into the other. My issue is (presuming I would even have a chance at getting the job) after dropping the Tuesday and paying MIL to have youngest child I wouldn't even be earning that much extra, and as I'm writing this it seems like Im messing people around in the process. Then I've got the issue with school holidays to think of also. But it is in an industry I have been wanting to get my foot back into for a while. Should I just wait to see if a similar job turns up when my youngest is at school full-time? But that won't be for another year and a half, and I'm not getting any younger lol. Wwyd?

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 26/04/2023 13:33

Tell him to cut back on the football so you can work.

Favour237 · 26/04/2023 13:36

Why is all this childcare and paying for this your problem not your husbands? Someone’s being selfish here but it isn’t you

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:36

If I didn't need to drop the Tuesday morning it wouldn't be such an issue as it would be additional money coming into the house, but I guess it's annoying me that he is giving me ultimatums like that when it seems everything I do is worked round him anyway.

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 26/04/2023 13:36

I've just seen he also goes out socially on a Monday morning! Do you get time for hobbies and socialising? Why must family time only be done on a Sunday? Because it suits him?

Why would childcare be your financial responsibility?

TomatoSandwiches · 26/04/2023 13:37

He can't have it all his way, if you've already been taking a hit to your own finances and pension or even job satisfaction because of the children he needs to make a small sacrifice to even it out.

Rubyroo73 · 26/04/2023 13:37

Could your child do a full day at preschool so Mil doesn’t need to get involved?

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:39

@Favour237 because I haven't even spoken to him properly about it yet but I know what his response will be. "It's me that's wanting to apply for this second job so it would be up to me to pay for the childcare" If I just let it go and just stick with the job I've got at the moment we don't need to pay for childcare.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 26/04/2023 13:42

Fucking hell what an arsehole you married and a fucking grabbby mil.

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:43

@Rubyroo73 I've thought about that option as well. The preschool she is at is attached to the school my other daughter is at and doesn't offer the 30 hours, only offers the 15 hours (afternoon sessions for 2 year olds and mornings for 3 year olds). So would have to look at putting her in a different preschool or nursery and when looking into it, they ask for the child to attend for at least 2 full days a week. So then we/I will be running around trying to get the kids into 2 different schools in the mornings.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 13:46

Your working should come before anything social of his. If he wants to go out socially, he has to arrange and pay for childcare.

Childcare needed for you both to work (at times when both working) is a joint expense, so paying MIL for such an eventuality wouldn’t be on you alone.

What does he mean by a long sleep? Is it a normal sleep (so reasonable) or longer than anything you ever get?

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:47

@gooseduckchicken I have my eyelashes done every second Monday morning when the kids are in school. And he has said to arrange to go out with friends on a Saturday evening to get myself out. Thats on me though, I just never seem to arrange anything. 😂

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 13:47

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:39

@Favour237 because I haven't even spoken to him properly about it yet but I know what his response will be. "It's me that's wanting to apply for this second job so it would be up to me to pay for the childcare" If I just let it go and just stick with the job I've got at the moment we don't need to pay for childcare.

How are your finances? Sounds as though they should be joint finances on this set up but your posts make it sound as though it’s separate. That’s not fair if he is making it hard for you to earn.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 26/04/2023 13:49

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:36

If I didn't need to drop the Tuesday morning it wouldn't be such an issue as it would be additional money coming into the house, but I guess it's annoying me that he is giving me ultimatums like that when it seems everything I do is worked round him anyway.

Stop working around him. Drop nothing. Make him work around you.

mn29 · 26/04/2023 13:49

Favour237 · 26/04/2023 13:36

Why is all this childcare and paying for this your problem not your husbands? Someone’s being selfish here but it isn’t you

This.

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:50

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing he works nights, he only gets a few hours before he does his first shift and I work the other 2 evenings already so he has to get up at quarter to 3 to have the kids. So the other evening is the day he has a long sleep (gets up about 5 instead of 3). Which is why he isn't keen on me working this evening. Unless I drop my Tuesday morning 🙄

OP posts:
Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 13:53

What would I do? I’d go for the line of least resistance… and get a new husband.

Why are you acting like a supporting cast member in your husband’s life? Do you see that this is happening?

TokyoSushi · 26/04/2023 13:56

What's the benefit to him of you dropping a Tuesday morning?

It does sound a bit messy OP, I think you both need to work out a kind of rota between you to allow each person to do the maximum that they want to do, but it needs to be completely fair.

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:57

@gooseduckchicken his football wouldn't even be affected, his long day of sleep would. And he would have to drop his mum off back home every week which i imagine would irritate him a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:58

I might just pitch the idea to him of what I've been thinking and see what he says. But I imagine his responses will be similar to what I've said he would say.

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/04/2023 13:58

He wouldn't be happy?
Aww, shame for him.

This is clearly something that matters to you if it's an industry you're interested in.

MIL wants paying? Most MIL are desperate for more time with the GK. And she's not willing to help otherwise?

Sounds like the Sundays won't be changing, unless your other job will let you swap to a different Sunday a month? So you'll still have Sundays.

You should be able to arrange things between you though, not feel you have to miss out for him.

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:03

@TokyoSushi to be honest I don't know. I know that he has said he hates Tuesdays when Im in work. I don't know if it's because he gets bored, or doesn't know how to keep our youngest entertained, im not sure. But he has said in the past if I were to start working that extra evening permanently he would want me to drop the Tuesday evening.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 26/04/2023 14:08

Ah, so he's doing childcare by himself on a Tuesday morning? That's the crux of it then, he doesn't want to have to do any additional childcare above and beyond what he's already doing I'd say...

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:08

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld again I am just assuming that she will. We relied on her quite a lot through the holidays recently for various things and she brought up the subject of "grandparents usually get paid If watching the grandkids becomes a regular thing" and "she has had her time of bringing up kids, she shouldn't be doing it now she is older" so I imagine if I asked her to have my child every week for a few hours, yes, she would want some sort of payment. Probably cheaper that a regular childminder, but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:11

@TokyoSushi yes that seems to be it, he has them on all the shifts I work, 1 morning, 2 evenings and every second Sunday. It seems like he doesn't want to do any more than what he is already doing.

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/04/2023 14:13

I can’t believe what I’m reading, his football is prioritised over your work?! Who made him king?

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