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Original poster

Am I being selfish, should I just wait?

41 replies

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:31

This is a bit long but will try not to ramble on too much. I have 2 children, one only goes to preschool half days. I currently work a Tuesday morning, 2 evenings a week and every second Sunday. A nice little job has just came up that I would really like to apply for as a second job, it's 1 evening a week and a day shift 10 -3 and then every second Sunday. DH has already said in the past he would only be happy with me working an additional evening if I dropped my Tuesday morning. Which on the face of it probably sounds reasonable. But, I can't work a Monday morning as he goes out socially, can't work a Monday evening as he plays football (sometimes fits in sleep as well if he does Monday night overtime), can't work Tuesday evening as he goes to bed ready for nightshift (fair enough), doesn't want me doing the other evening I don't currently work as it's the only day he gets a long sleep. Can't work another evening in the week as he has started playing football on that day as well. Doesn't want me doing any additional Sundays as it's time we spend together as a family. So if I were to apply for this second job I would have to try and drop my Tuesday shift in my current job to keep him happy, then for the other shift I would have to pay for someone (probably MIL) to pick up my youngest and have her for a few hours, until DH wakes up, then he would need to drop MIL back off at home as on that particular day I would be going straight from one job into the other. My issue is (presuming I would even have a chance at getting the job) after dropping the Tuesday and paying MIL to have youngest child I wouldn't even be earning that much extra, and as I'm writing this it seems like Im messing people around in the process. Then I've got the issue with school holidays to think of also. But it is in an industry I have been wanting to get my foot back into for a while. Should I just wait to see if a similar job turns up when my youngest is at school full-time? But that won't be for another year and a half, and I'm not getting any younger lol. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/04/2023 14:25

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:11

@TokyoSushi yes that seems to be it, he has them on all the shifts I work, 1 morning, 2 evenings and every second Sunday. It seems like he doesn't want to do any more than what he is already doing.

Well then he shouldn’t have had kids, too fucking bad. I hope he’s paying for any and all childcare when he’s working, (or sleeping or at football) seeing as it’s apparently his choice to work etc, or does that rule only apply to you?

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:29

@Naunet 😂 I know how it sounds. But tbh his football wouldn't get affected if I did get this new job. I think the reason I brought up the football thing is because I kind of feel like, I have the kids for 2 afternoons or evenings a week so he can go to football so why can't he have the kids 1 additional evening a week for me to go to work. 😒

OP posts:
Naunet · 26/04/2023 14:33

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:29

@Naunet 😂 I know how it sounds. But tbh his football wouldn't get affected if I did get this new job. I think the reason I brought up the football thing is because I kind of feel like, I have the kids for 2 afternoons or evenings a week so he can go to football so why can't he have the kids 1 additional evening a week for me to go to work. 😒

And you’re absolutely right. Don’t let him treat you like you exist purely to make his life easier and that you have to always work around him. He’s just as much of a parent as you are, just as responsible (or should be) and you have just as much right to work as he does. Call him out on every single double standard!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 26/04/2023 14:35

Tell him tough he'll have to drop a day or two of football. More money especially if you need it is more important than a stupid hobby.

Comtesse · 26/04/2023 14:59

I think you should apply - it’s not a dead cert you’d get it, but worth an application. He sounds like a right pain.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/04/2023 15:27

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 14:08

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld again I am just assuming that she will. We relied on her quite a lot through the holidays recently for various things and she brought up the subject of "grandparents usually get paid If watching the grandkids becomes a regular thing" and "she has had her time of bringing up kids, she shouldn't be doing it now she is older" so I imagine if I asked her to have my child every week for a few hours, yes, she would want some sort of payment. Probably cheaper that a regular childminder, but still.

I don't think most grandparents get paid to watch their GK at all...
Most of them want to do it, some don't because of that feeling of having already done their time as it were but I wonder how many grandparents now used their own parents to babysit as they were the generation who started really having both parents work...

EllieM27 · 26/04/2023 15:32

Sorry, what exactly is his work schedule? You said he works nights and “he only gets a few hours before he does his first shift.” A few hours of what? A few hours between sleeping and going back to work?

Quartz2208 · 26/04/2023 15:34

How are finances split

Peachy2005 · 26/04/2023 15:34

Could you apply for the second job then leave your current job if you get the new one? Or would that not work financially? That would let you break into the industry you are keen on and maybe you could get more hours/shifts at a later date when your youngest is in school. I wouldn’t want my child looked after by a resentful grandparent…

Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 16:23

@EllieM27 he works permanent nights, only gets a few hours of sleep before going onto his first nightshift. The other 2 days days he has to get up at 3 to look after the kids, another day he has a long sleep until about 5pm and another day he gets up about 2pm to go and play football.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 16:28

@Quartz2208 he pays most of the bills. I pay gas/electric/tv licence/food and my own bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 16:29

@Peachy2005 unfortunately not. My current job I get between 17 and 25 hours a week, the other one is 10 one week and 14 the next.

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 26/04/2023 16:42

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 16:28

@Quartz2208 he pays most of the bills. I pay gas/electric/tv licence/food and my own bills

Sounds like you pay enough

P1ckledonionz · 26/04/2023 16:55

He needs to grow up.

You need to be able to work, that is a priority.

Childcare should be a shared expense - why are only you financially penalized for wanting to work?

Hobbies come second to work.

Rosula · 26/04/2023 17:22

Blossomkitty40 · 26/04/2023 13:39

@Favour237 because I haven't even spoken to him properly about it yet but I know what his response will be. "It's me that's wanting to apply for this second job so it would be up to me to pay for the childcare" If I just let it go and just stick with the job I've got at the moment we don't need to pay for childcare.

Say to him that, if that's the case, your earnings won't be going into the household pot but will be solely for you. He can't have it both ways.

anon2022anon · 26/04/2023 17:27

Gas/ electric/ food comes to about the same as mortgage and council tax here, so unless you've got masses of extra bills he's pocketing a big difference in cash while you're running around for him

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