Feeling trapped

[TempAccount]

I feel trapped and miss my past life.

My DH and I lived in EU country (as expats/immigrants) and we were totally fine there. We rented 2 bedroom apartment at the corner of beautiful park, commute to work was 20 minutes, life was safe and stable. We could afford travel long-distance once per year and made some short-distance local weekend trips. We didn't own a car or ate out much (though went to coffee places a lot). I loved my job and colleagues. I felt like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that fitted to the whole picture. I need to admit we were a bit lonely (I blame pandemic for that) and getting mortgage was challenging without moving further away.

But my DH got an offer that required relocation to the UK. It was his dream job. I didn't want to move. But after many many fights I agreed. My main point was that I didn't want to be a single mother (we had a baby back then who is in Reception now). Being a single mother would have been challenging economically, though manageable but almost impossible mentally for me back then. My DH never tried hard to integrate in that country, he is a good person and a loving father but he felt limited there. He wanted bigger career (he had a decent job but wanted more), bigger city, more sport events. However he has never tried to do many job interviews in that EU country, he has never tried to travel to other city for a sport event or join any club. So I think he had some sort of irrational prejudice. After all, pandemic wasn't a best time to integrate.

So we are here, in London. DH loves his job, our kid thrives. We live in the nice neighbourhood with amazing schools. I've found work easily (we are both professionals). I'm slowly but steadily expanding my social circle. But I feel trapped and betrayed (by myself):

• we work much harder and longer hours because our industry is much more competitive here
• we work mostly from home because we can't do a school run and commute 1h to office during the same day. That means I feel isolated and miss social aspect of work
• we are better money-wise but not much. We are trying to save money for down payment but it will take couple of years. Moving from cheaper country means our savings are peanuts here
• I'm struggling with secondary infertility and regret loosing time for arguments and relocation
• sadly I don't feel very safe here

I appreciate the UK in so many ways. People are very open and friendly, I mostly enjoy the weather, I love west end shows and museums. But I feel that I sacrificed my mental health for DH's work ambitions. He says I can work part-time or even quit my job. But then we won't be able to afford a mortgage. And tbh part-time is not very common in our industry. He says we can move to another country in the couple of years. But I'm afraid he'll hate it again and my kid is already integrated here.

I probably won't be so sad now if I knew it was an absolutely necessary move, if he tried to integrate properly or deeply explored job market there. I don't know how to forgot it all and pretend it has never happened.

Bump?

If you work mostly at home is there a way that you DH could work remotely from another country now he's got his foot in the door of the new work place?

Sorry OP, I don't know quite what to suggest, do you actually know what you want from your life as it is now? Do you want to move back to where you were living previously, or do you think you may be a bit depressed and need some medical assistance? Are you actually happy with your DH, or is it that you feel trapped with him?

It sounds like DH wasn't really invested in living in the previous country and you are not really invested in living here. Have the two of you been open with each other about what makes you unhappy (and happy)? Could another country be a happy medium for both of you?

Are you both able to work remotely? Because then surely you don't both need to do that every day, you can split the week, both alternate days at home doing school run with days in the office for socialisation?

@Bananazebra no, to preserve this job he should stay in the UK. He can easily find something similar elsewhere but he always wanted to work for this exact employer

If you want change, demand change
Only you can do this op.
Talk to your dh.

@Treesoutsidemywindow I don't know what I want tbh. So far I was focused on many shorter term tasks: to find a nice place to live, to find a good school and activities for my kid, to help my kid to adapt, to find a job. Now everything settled and I feel frustrated.
Our relationships with DH are ok. We don't argue but he knows I regret the move. I feel like we are more distant now. And that's funny but I think we are more distant because we mostly work from home and see each other 24/7.

@NBLarsen I'm trying really hard to integrate here. Apartment search, decorating it to feel more like home, school application, activities and playdates for kid, planning short trips inside the UK - that's all on me.

Maybe the last relocation traumatised me a bit. But move is always the risk. What if the next place won't work? Our kid is not a baby anymore and we can't afford nomadic way of life anymore.

If I commute I'll spend with kid 30 mins a day.

I'm really enjoying reading your responses to some of the questions. 😊

My grandma is Jewish, as is my mother - although she is now a born again Christian.
I've heard many times that the Jewish blood runs down the mothers side, so does that mean my daughters are Jewish, despite their Dad being a Catholic? I hope that makes sense.

@Itsaboutdamntime899 I'm afraid it is a wrong thread((

Aww bless. You both need to sit and chat a proper deep chat about how life can be improved and better so your also happier.

Reduce your hours and find something you enjoy. Could the secondary infertility be clouding your enjoyment of everything else?

@LadyJ2023 we talked about it but the only solution my DH sees is for him to work more and try to get a promotion. That puts a lot of pressure on him and as a result on all of us. I want better work-life balance for our family and I doubt it could be solved with putting more work in it. But I think in our society work achievements are praised much more than happy family life. And I'm pushed to support my husband in whatever he wants to achieve career wise even if that means I can't achieve what I want (balance between work and family life).

OP I notice that you didn't answer my question about whether or not you could be depressed?

You say that you 'live in the nice neighbourhood with amazing schools', but then say you don't feel safe, why is that?

Is there any reason why you can't leave your DH to do the school run and work from home, while you go to the office a couple of days a week, or is he one of those men who believes that the school run is a 'woman's job'?

Also, I don't think you've told us how long it is since you moved to the UK, are you sure you've allowed yourself enough time to settle?

Do you and DH go out and do stuff as a family at the weekends so that you really connect?

You also don't appear to have mentioned any family connections other than your DH, do you have parents, siblings, or friends that you can talk to about how you're feeling?

It sounds to me like you could do with discussing these feelings with a counsellor, so that they can get to the bottom of why you appear to be holding onto the anger that you feel at your DH for, as you see it, making you move away from somewhere that you were clearly happy.

@Hankunamatata economical situation is not the best in the UK nowadays so the job market is enormously competitive. I could be stay at home mum (no mortgage then, no pension savings) or work full week. I hope it'll change in coming years and I can switch to 4 days. The difference is that in previous country I had less working hours and it was very common in my industry. Also everyone in my previous team had kids. Now - I'm the only woman in my team and the only person with a kid. It is because UK is more competitive, childcare is more expensive here, people usually have children later in their lives.

I’m reading between the lines so please forgive me if I’m wrong but was the other country your home country or very nearby? And is your DH from the U.K.?

In my family there are several couples who are married and from different countries and 100% the most difficult aspect has been choosing where to live. Someone ends up compromising.

At the moment you have compromised and say you feel trapped. Perhaps you can explore what trapped really is to you and what you can realistically change. Working in your office a few days a week might really help you to gain more social contacts. Taking turns with DH or paying for some wraparound care is a valid choice.

Youve made lots of effort in settling your family down but maybe it’s time to focus on yourself. Looking at career options, hobbies, visits to family joining local organisations. You might never feel absolutely at home but it can be better than this.

Lastly, as said above, do consider seeing your GP to explore possible depression and although you haven’t elaborated on your fertility it could well be impacting on your mood which would be very understandable.

best wishes.

@Treesoutsidemywindow I think I'm not depressed. But that's my subjective opinion.

I grew up in a much smaller city (though capital too) than London. Maybe I need to get used. But even in my nice borough we have occasional stabbings and gang attacks, antisocial behaviour from teens. So I'm a bit anxious about raising teenagers here in future. I know it is absolutely irrational though. Maybe in few years I can adapt.

We do a lot of things 50/50 with my DH, including school runs. But school is a bit distant so it takes us 40-60mins to go there, wait a bit and come back. Especially if kid wants to chat with someone, go to the playground after school, etc. Doing it twice during the working day is draining.

If I plan something we'll go out or meet friends during the weekend. If not - we'll split time 50/50 (to entertain the kid) and during his free time he'll do his hobbies or work. He says he works so much for the family so "I can afford to live in the place I want" (that is expensive in London and he is ok with anything basically). The place I want is actually a 2 bedroom house or nice apartment, nothing more.

Family think wife should support husband's career and be happy that DH does bed time routine, school runs 50/50.

By the way I have a nice career (in every country I live). I'm doing great and earning a good salary. I've put promotions on pause because I want to be present in my child's life. Maybe my work is not super exciting as I prioritise companies with good culture and work-life balance but my cv looks decent.

The thing is that when I accepted the move I prioritised my DH over me. And it was taken for granted. I expected him to be more excited about the life here, more involved into the mental load. But he focuses only on his career and doing well-defined childcare things.

If you both mostly work from home, could you move to a smaller commuter city/town where you might feel a bit safer?

@MatildaTheCat no, he is not from the UK.

By trapped I mean I always wanted decent work-life balance. My dream is to work and be present in my kid's life. Very simple. But relocation worsened things. Our savings are not much here so we need to save for down payment almost from scratch. DH is ok to live anywhere and can rent his whole life. I was ok to rent the whole life in another country where rental market was much more protected, where rental agreements don't expire in 1-2 years. DH says I can quit working if I want but I need to lower my expectations about the mortgage then (all I want is 2-3 bedroom property in the nice area in zone 3-5).

London isn’t great right now. I can’t see it getting better in my life time. The community spirit seems to have fallen because it is too expensive for normal people to live there and have a life. It’s like a hot-house where hungry people go to get their foot in the door of a better career than can be had elsewhere in the UK. But to do that you need to sacrifice the idea of having any space to yourself, personal safety, a family. Without some massive economic shift caused by something catastrophic (climate change, anyone?) I can’t see the London economy lending itself to what you want. People are saying good things about Germany at the moment, but also they are saying it is expensive and lonely there. I’ve heard Prague and the rest of Czech being a good alternative to Germany.

@ArtimisGame yep. I asked my DH to reject an offer and find something in Germany instead (we have many friends there)

If I was you I would try to move to Germany, if you already have friends there it sounds like it would be the best of both worlds. Career plus friends, a government that functions, safe, prosperous…

DH won't voluntarily quit his job right now. He is trying hard for the promotion that can take up to 2 years (or more, who knows).

Have you really sat down together and talked things through properly, and in depth OP, only I get the impression that it's all about him and what he wants, and that you're not listened to. If that's the case and he's brushing your concerns or thoughts aside, when you try to explain it to him, if need be, stamp your foot like a toddler, and tell him 'you are NOT hearing me! You appear to be listening, but you're not actually really taking on board what I'm saying!' I did that with my DH once, and it really helped, as he thought I was just whinging, when what I was saying was REALLY important to me. I also find that statements like 'You may not think I'm being rational, but it's how I FEEL and telling me I'm being irrational won't change it' can make a difference.

My first husband was a bit how yours appears to be, but it wasn't until after we separated, that he actually admitted to me, in his own words 'My work is more important to me than ANYTHING!' When I questioned whether it was more important than his new wife, he admitted that it was, which really shocked me, and I actually ended up feeling sorry for her, (well, maybe just a little bit, lol) as she clearly had no idea what she'd let herself in for.

I do still feel that it might be worth your while going to counselling to discuss your feelings of resentment with someone outside of the scenario, or even marriage guidance, if you feel it's affecting your relationship at all.

I hear you, it’s frustrating when there is a situation like this. I think then perhaps you need to look at other avenues for getting some control back in your life direction. However anything you choose to do will be for personal reasons. I think putting your energy and money towards what you want for yourself which aligns with your mind may help, whatever that may be. If you are trapped in London there are opportunities for being independent, I have previously felt trapped there. Maybe moving to a commuter town would work, just not somewhere grim, however that can be lonely. Remember you are near to an extremely large amount of free museums, this is amazing for a young child. Try to take advantage of the situation, like you’re getting one up on it, rather than feel crushed by the weight.