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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block adult ex-stepchild for now

36 replies

pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 20:22

I am going through a horrendous divorce from a very abusive narcissist. He has no contact with my quite little children. He also had a previous marriage with one child, who is now a grown up with serious antisocial personality problems— no job, frequent mental health inpatient stays and so on. My ex was alienated from her and so my children have only met her a handful of times.

Suddenly she is sending me lots of messages insisting I facilitate a relationship between her and my children. The messages are intense and actually quite intimidating in their persistence. My children (and I) have been through a lot and I am keeping us safe as a unit, working very hard. I do not want to let in this person at the moment. It would at best be confusing and at worst be slightly dangerous. I was previously friendly-ish as I felt pity for what she’d been through with her dad. But as the situation has developed I just feel protective of my kids. We are slowly doing ok.

AIBU to ignore/block my ex’s alienated adult child? She is mid twenties. And does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
CoctailsNeeded · 25/04/2023 20:38

I think you need to put your children first, they need stability and she doesn't sound very stable. Plus your children don't really know her by the sounds of things.

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 20:40

No, they don’t. But how can I practically keep her away? I tried a sensible mummish message but it just created millions of replies

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 25/04/2023 20:42

Yeah. Block. Dump. Don't react.

coodawoodashooda · 25/04/2023 20:42

pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 20:40

No, they don’t. But how can I practically keep her away? I tried a sensible mummish message but it just created millions of replies

Ignore them

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 20:46

“Sorry X, as you can imagine the children are finding things traumatic at the moment so I’m keeping visits to a minimum whilst they adjust to their new normal. I’ll be in touch when things have settled down. All the best, OP”

Then ignore and block if necessary.

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 20:51

@Suzannargh i did try that but she just replied that she was finding it traumatic to be separated from them. I think she’s just not going to be able to see herself as anything but the main character. It’s manipulative too.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/04/2023 20:58

Block her.

Stop making problems for yourself that are unnecessary.

You have said NO.

Now block.

Stop engaging.

Focus on your priority.

Your children.

Good luck.

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:02

Thanks. I was so sure everyone was going to say I ABU

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 25/04/2023 21:04

Does she see you as a mother figure? We're you in her life as a parent or solely and latterly as her dad's wife?

If she sees you as a mum, that's mood complicated. If you don't have that kind of relationship, I'd be more inclined to give her a warning message that this is becoming harassment and if she continues to contact you, you'll report it to the police - and then block her.

Be warned that blocking a number doesn't stop them from leaving you answerphone messages, so that could be a way she circumvents it.... At that point I'd turn off your answerphone (you can usually do that via the settings).

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:06

No never a mum, ever. She has a mum, who I’ve never met.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 25/04/2023 21:08

Then you absolutely owe her nothing. She's harassing you, mentally ill or not. Warn her, block her and be prepared to report her. I'd let her dad know out of courtesy in case she goes whining to him.

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:11

She seems to think she has a right to see the children because they are related. Do you not think, then?

OP posts:
bananaboats · 25/04/2023 21:16

I'd just block and don't get drawn any further into it. You don't owe her anything

PinkFootstool · 25/04/2023 21:17

Is she someone you want around your children in her current state?

I am not a believer in someone having access to kids just because of "blood" or "faaamily". I am a believer that children deserve to be protected from unhealthy relationships. So no I don't think she has some sort of "right" of access. And legally she doesn't either.

Her behaviour is erratic at best. If she were stable and healthy, and you wanted to support a functioning relationship with her, then great. But given you don't want to spend time with her as she is, I certainly wouldn't expect your children to either.

You are the gatekeeper. You have no obligations to her just because you and her dad had more kids.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 21:20
Episode 5 Thank You GIF by PBS

She has absolutely no rights to see your children.

She has issues and her father is awful.

Your children barely know her.

You have enough to deal with.

Cut her off and refuse to engage/respond further.

Total silence.

Turnthelightoff · 25/04/2023 21:20

Fake a break from social media if you need and say you are changing your number and will make contact when it’s right for you, you are sure that as an adult who clearly cares about your DC she will understand you are doing the right thing. Then block

Emerald95 · 25/04/2023 21:30

"I am going through a horrendous divorce from a very abusive narcissist. He has no contact with my quite little children."

"My ex was alienated from her"

I find this quite odd. You've protected your children from your abusive ex by stopping contact between them and their dad but when your ex's ex did the same your accused her of alienating his daughter from him.

I would let her know it isn't a good time right now for new relationships to form as the children require stability to get through the break up but when the time is right you'll reach out to her. Hopefully she'll understand but if she doesn't and becomes a nuisance block her

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:32

I didn’t mean alienated in that sense, I meant as adults they had no contact with each other. Not sure by whose choice. I think mutually.

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 25/04/2023 21:32

So they’re his kids and her half siblings, right? Absolutely don’t engage. Also just based on what you’ve said, and in the face of this inappropriate persistence, I would make the school aware. Just to be certain she doesn’t try to approach them. Obviously it’s ideal for siblings to have contact but like a PP said it’s most important kids are kept away from unhealthy relationships.

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:34

Yes, that’s right @Devonshiregal

Good idea about the school,
unfortunately

OP posts:
Emerald95 · 25/04/2023 21:37

pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:32

I didn’t mean alienated in that sense, I meant as adults they had no contact with each other. Not sure by whose choice. I think mutually.

My understanding was alienation is where one parent keeps their child from the other parent by manipulating the child into believing their parent is a bad person.
What you're describing sounds more like estrangement, where they've decided not to have a relationship with each other as adults.

Do you think the half sister is trying to get contact with your children more now because her dad isn't around so she feels safer? Either way she needs to wait for the right time, your children seem to going through a lot already

Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:38

Oh yes I meant estrangement! Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
pariahcarey · 25/04/2023 21:40

Well, I think she’s doing it because she’s unstable in all her attachments and now sees there’s a power vacuum in our setup. She’s obviously lonely at core and of course it’d be nice if there were two adoring children available for familial love. But she’s unstable and often violent and I don’t like her, there’s something really wrong.

OP posts:
romdowa · 25/04/2023 21:45

Just block her. She has no rights to see the kids. She's mentally unstable and violent. I wouldn't even be questioning this. Why would you inflict her on your kids?

funinthesun19 · 25/04/2023 22:24

She has no right to see your DC. If you let her in once to see DC you will never get rid of her. She will always always be mithering you and bringing her drama filled life to your door. You and your DC deserve better than that. She’s not your daughter so you shouldn’t be giving her any of your headspace.

Your DC are children and their sister is an adult. An unstable adult. The fact that they are siblings means absolutely nothing when it comes to protecting your children. She should stay away from them just as any other unstable relative would have to.