Anyone else ever have a sneaky day?

[Singmesomethingnewish]

Feel a bit guilty…but also not.

I’m abroad and where I am, today is a national holiday.
I was supposed to be working, Dh is off due to the holiday and was to stay at home with Dd, 4 (schools not open)
I went to work as planned, but when I arrived my student was ill (I tutor and then babysit for the rest of the day)
I was heading on my way back home, then decided F it 🙈
I went for coffee and cake on my own (can’t even remember the last time I did that) bought two magazines (haven’t bought magazines for around five years) got a sun-lounger at the beach, read my magazine and had lunch delivered to me on the lounger, listened to my music, read my book and felt thoroughly relaxed. This is the first time I’ve done this since before my Dd was born.
I then went for a drive with my music on and had a Mcds drive through.
Tbf, I did head home a bit early as started to feel guilty.
Anyone else ever had a sneaky day?
What did you do or would you do?

My favourite reply 😁😁

I did this once. It was a half term so DH was off with DC and I booked a day holiday too - but didn’t tell anyone.

we went out for fancy breakfast together but then I pretended I was heading to the office when actually I went to a museum exhibition I’d been keen to see, then window shopping in the city. Bliss to do this at my own pace!

DH absolutely wouldn’t have minded (DC are old enough not to be difficult to wrangle too) but it felt more fun to be sneaky and I have a real issue with feeling I have to justify my use free time - this felt guilt-free because nobody else knew!

Why though ?

@greyhairnomore

Op hasn't answered

I suspect the answer is the same as why she's lying to her oh about it.

It's not sneaky, it's just regular self-care.

@Botw1 Answered what?

I wasn’t lying, just omitted the truth, he didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer the information.

@Singmesomethingnewish

Same difference

And you've still not answered why you can't get a day off without being sneaky

We’ll maybe some of us just don’t have the perfect mumsnet husband?

But also don’t want to LTB?

Or, maybe some of us like privacy and enjoy occasionally NOT telling our nearest and dearest everything.

for me part of the joy of a day like this is the brief sense of freedom, being answerable to no one for a few hours, which telling DH (certainly at the time) would change.

i might tell him afterwards. And sometimes I tell him before that I’m taking a day off.

but sometimes I like to do something just and completely for me.

Sounds amazing @Singmesomethingnewish
the perfect day. I'm so jealous.

That sounds blissful!

And it's not strange to hide it. If you said something, your partner would likely want you home to share the load. The odd sneaky day is fine!

@Cloudburstings Exactly this 🌸

That sounds like a perfect Independent day 😁😁
Pity you were meant to work at all!

We’ll maybe some of us just don’t have the perfect mumsnet husband?

But also don’t want to LTB?

I totally get that relationships differ, and this stuff is all on a spectrum. It would be beyond my comfort zone to do this, but then I am also horrified at the idea of sharing my location at all times with my husband virtually, which a recent thread taught me is common - so I guess we all have different ideas of where the line is between sharing too much and not enough!

What I do wonder for the people who say that they would do it like this because they wouldn't get the time to themselves otherwise - aren't you worried about being caught out? I think even a reasonable partner could be both hurt and suspicious at their partner concealing their whereabouts, so surely it wouldn't go well with a partner who wouldn't be reasonable enough to facilitate this if asked?

So I work for myself and every day is a bit of a sneaky day 😄
the thing with sneaky days is that they are very addictive and there comes a point when you resent that sneaky daying is not your actual life , or to reframe ,you start to value your true worth.

@Hardbackwriter what do you mean by caught out though?

if I was having this kind of day and my DH called I would tell him where I was and what I was doing if it was relevant.

eg if he asked me to get some milk on the way home, I might not mention it.

but if he asked me to get some
of the special buns from the bakery near work, I’d say, well I finished early and came to the beach to enjoy the view for a little before I come back, so I’m not near there.

if someone we knew saw me and told him about it I’d explain if / when he asked.

there’s nothing to be caught out on if you’re not doing anything ‘wrong’?

my DH and I are both trusting and respectful of each others privacy.

we don’t have access to each others phones, our joint account is for shared household expenses but otherwise I love out of my current account and he out of his. Mumsnet says this is crazily naive but it works for me / us.

i know the ballpark of what he earns but not how much money he has day to day or week to week and vice versa.

we let each other know if we’re going to be late or plans change in a way that impacts the other. But otherwise we’re not in touch through the day on the details of our lives, and I would find it smothering to be so.

me having unexpected free time doesn’t impact him so I see it as completely a free choice of mine what to tell him and when.

in this example phoning and telling him at the point my obligation was cancelled would feel weirdly like asking for his permission to take some time to myself.

@Cloudburstings

I dont tell dh what I'm doing a lot of the time. He's at work, I wouldn't phone him to say oh I'm going to x or y. I'd just do it. Like you, I may not even tell him later depending on when he finished /when and what we talked about.

That's not the issue.

If the op had that kind of relationship then she wouldn't be describing it as sneaky or saying she hasn't has a day to herself in 5 years.

Sneaky does imply wrong doing or guilt.

But there's nothing to be guilty of unless your oh has convinced you it's wrong or you don't deserve it.

I was working on the basis that if someone was doing it because their husband wouldn't otherwise facilitate them having alone time then I didn't think that they would be thrilled with them doing it anyway? That's clearly not the case for you but that's what I assumed was meant by the reference to doing it sneakily because a husband isn't 'mumsnet perfect'.

I do think it's also very different when you're making the other person default childcare. Pre-kids I wouldn't have cared less but if DH left me with the children all day so that he could have a 'sneaky day' with no discussion then I would be upset. We both can and do make sure that the other one gets time to themselves in and out of the house but doing it without discussion just seems a bit crap to me.

This in spades.
I have slipped off the radar a handful of times and it so much more enjoyable because nobody knows where l am!

I do this often but I’d have no reason to keep it quiet or feel guilty. I’ve never thought it’s ‘sneaky’ to do normal things on my own

Where were your parents for the day? You said in another thread that they're visiting you for a holiday, did your DH have to entertain them for the day?

@Tomatotomatopotatopotato Are you stalking me? Feels a bit unsettling now…

They can entertain themselves, but yes, they spent some time with Dh and Dd, but also walked to the beach themselves, as they often do when they come to stay.

Good for you OP. Nothing wrong with taking advantage of opportunities like these when they crop up.

Not in your league but I have my own secret treat. My DH hates McDonalds food - so I never get to enjoy one if we’re out and about. But when I have a work meeting where I have to travel to get there, I may stop off for a cheeky MaccyD!

Omg love this. Wish I had a beach near me to do this! I book a day off work here and there for my own mental health. It’s great and yes, no one knows!

Some days I book a day off to catch up on housework when I know DH goes into the office. That way I can potter around and blast my own music and don’t have to answer to everyone!

Was kinda hoping for more ideas - love the museum one by the way but instead it’s the usual criticism. Guess we’re all different!

I do this a little bit too frequently! ;)