DH & childcare

[Made2Worry]

Aibu? Here goes something that has been messing with my head for a while i wilm try keep as short as poss,

I work & DH is self employed ( music gigs, freelance music teaching in schools, after school clubs etc. His work is not permanent and is as and when. Mine is permanent and its my money that pays the bills & pretty much all the basics. When he works he earns good money so his money tends to be our good times, nice things, treats and some help towards bills etc but is NOT guaranteed from one month to the next. We have one DS who has just started lower school. My working hours start from 6.30 pm and our routine is as follows I drop DS to school, clean house prepare dinner DH picks DS up from school we eat, read, chill etc I then leave for work at 6pm DH then does bath and bed time.

Here's the problem DH is part of a pool team Monday & Tuesday evening which I either have to get a sitter for or listen to him sulking that he couldn't go. He has now started up a charity and he has calls left right and centre for work, very last minute that falls withen my work hours from schools after school clubs etc.(mostly unpaid work) which leaves me fighting for child care, I get this is his dream and passion but I feel like from Monday to Friday it is a constant fight and juggle just to be able to go to work. I have suggested I quit my job he can pay all the bills instead and I'll sit my hobbiless bum at home. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and that I should accommodate all his very last minute plans and book holiday/ get sitters which by the way we pretty much have noone to babysit its a real struggle to get DM over for a few hours of an evening.

Am I being a selfish dream stopper or am I right to think untill he is earning a wage good enough to pay the bills then my work comes first? We can't rely on his as and when wages and he refuses to get a 9-5.

It's up to him I'd say. Childcare when you are working is his responsibility so he needs to find the sitter - it's not up to you to juggle it.

Oh, another man with a hobby job, no sense of bills that need paying and a belief the last minute is fine to arrange things.
what are his good points ?
he would be moving out today if he lived with me

Your working hours are your working hours. If he wants time to himself during the periods you are out at work, then he arranges childcare for it.

It's exactly the same if, say, a SAHM wants to attend a mid day gym class and her dh is out at work 9-5. She would be told to either use a creche or go in the evenings when both parents are home.

This basically. It comes out of his "good times" pot too.

Stop allowing your DH to treat you like a mug.

I don’t understand how you can be the breadwinner in a job that starts at 6pm and then you do the morning school run? What hours do you work? When do you sleep?

why can your DH not do school runs and housework around his charity work?

I’m missing what he expects you to do on Monday and Tuesday evenins so he can go to pool club - phone in sick?

I have a decent paying job and I work untill 12.30am. Years of doing the same my body clock is set for 1am bedtime and 7.30 rise.

Mondays and Tuesday he expects relatives for example my DM or his family who live down the same street to come and watch DS whilst sleeping until he returns. But I feel really crappy putting people out for a hobby of his.

He's a great dad and does help around the house in the day. He just can't seem to understand that permanent work comes before hobbies and dreams. We need to eat and live right.

Mondays and Tuesday he expects relatives for example my DM or his family who live down the same street to come and watch DS whilst sleeping until he returns. But I feel really crappy putting people out for a hobby of his.

I’m not sure it’s really something you should involve yourself in. If he wants to do it then he arranges the sitter. If the family he’s asking don’t want to do it then it’s up to them to say no. Unless there’s more to it and your mum has actually spoken to say she’s being pressured by him or something? Or he’s asking unsuitable relatives you don’t trust? Otherwise this really isn’t your problem.

My mum is 65 and works full time still. He of course doesn't pressure her infact he leaves me to do the asking. I feel bad putting my mum out but my point is he doesn't want to be the one doing the asking and I don't just want my son plopped here there and everywhere for a hobbie he has routines.

You need to stop asking people to babysit. If he wants to do this, he can be the one to ask and if he doesn't ask then he doesn't go.

Definitely don’t ask your mum
for him! He wants babysitting, he sorts it. Grown adults can then say yes or no as they see fit. Remove yourself from
the process entirely.

Or is the issue that DS has to go to the relatives and then be taken home late and it’s disruptive? You initially said watch DS whilst sleeping which implies it’s at yours then also that you don’t want him being plopped here there and everywhere so I’m really not sure now. Regardless, I’d have no issue if DH does all the arranging and DS doesn’t have to go anywhere.

Arranging childcare needs to be his responsibility. Not yours.

Totally irrelevant but what industry do you work in? Those hours and set up is my dream around the kids!

Also, I agree with the above. Don't juggle. He sorts childcare or he doesn't go.

Don't listen to him moan about it- go off into another room when he starts whinging and just keep repeating 'well it's up to you to sort childcare if you want to go and you haven't'

Sorry but you're enabling this by frenetically arranging childcare for HIS hobbies and around HIS calls etc.

It's his responsibility to pick up or arrange pick up while you're the breadwinner. Make that very clear, very soon.

So you do all housework, all cooking, all school runs, pay for everything that is essential. 7am to 5pm then work from 6.30pm to ........an upwards of 15 hour day .....
He does part time maximum 8 hours if your lucky.
He does bath and bed ....maybe an hour .....so a 9 hour ish day...
He has 2 evenings out that you pay babysitter for....now he's taken on more unpaid work....
What's written on your back? Wipe your feet on me?

Oh my goodness me he sounds like hard work. He has responsibilities now. If you are at work and he is not then he must find childcare for these times. Not you.

So you're the breadwinner and your DH's PA? I don't understand why you've agreed to do all the childcare management for your DP. Just say no. He can put his big boy pants on and ask himself.

You're an absolute mug OP.

Your set up sounds absolutely fucking bonkers. You're working u til late I the night, why can't that lazy oaf go and work in the day? You're both home doing not very much apart from cooking and cleaning, which should be shared at the very least, and then he wants to fuck off out in the nights when he's supposed to be in charge.

I'd be sitting down and looking at at it all in totality, it sounds shit.

He organises childcare for his stuff while you're working. I inow it's easier said than done with some men but he needs to be the one organising cover for his hobbies and ad hoc work.

My mum is 65 and works full time still. He of course doesn't pressure her infact he leaves me to do the asking. I feel bad putting my mum out but my point is he doesn't want to be the one doing the asking and I don't just want my son plopped here there and everywhere for a hobbie he has routines

So he makes you ask your mum to look after his child whilst you work and she had done a days work so he can go and play fucking pool?

You are both being taken for fools I am afraid.

It strikes me that your working hours are not the best fit with a gigging musician. Is it worth exploring other options, that would mean he could take short-notice gigs? When you have a school-age child, there's sense in trying to work mostly school hours.

Can he pay for a babysitter on his pool nights?

There you go, dont do the asking

He wants to go out, then he arranges it

Dude, he's being a massive twat.

Priority is always the job that pays the way. So, he has to fit around your job. If we wants to do something, or gets a gig, or whatever and it's a work night for you and he has to sort childcare that doesn't include your mom.

Simple.

This OP.

Unbelievable.

Just tell him he can organise the babysitting. Stop doing it for him!