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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & childcare

55 replies

Made2Worry · 25/04/2023 14:53

Aibu? Here goes something that has been messing with my head for a while i wilm try keep as short as poss,

I work & DH is self employed ( music gigs, freelance music teaching in schools, after school clubs etc. His work is not permanent and is as and when. Mine is permanent and its my money that pays the bills & pretty much all the basics. When he works he earns good money so his money tends to be our good times, nice things, treats and some help towards bills etc but is NOT guaranteed from one month to the next. We have one DS who has just started lower school. My working hours start from 6.30 pm and our routine is as follows I drop DS to school, clean house prepare dinner DH picks DS up from school we eat, read, chill etc I then leave for work at 6pm DH then does bath and bed time.

Here's the problem DH is part of a pool team Monday & Tuesday evening which I either have to get a sitter for or listen to him sulking that he couldn't go. He has now started up a charity and he has calls left right and centre for work, very last minute that falls withen my work hours from schools after school clubs etc.(mostly unpaid work) which leaves me fighting for child care, I get this is his dream and passion but I feel like from Monday to Friday it is a constant fight and juggle just to be able to go to work. I have suggested I quit my job he can pay all the bills instead and I'll sit my hobbiless bum at home. He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and that I should accommodate all his very last minute plans and book holiday/ get sitters which by the way we pretty much have noone to babysit its a real struggle to get DM over for a few hours of an evening.

Am I being a selfish dream stopper or am I right to think untill he is earning a wage good enough to pay the bills then my work comes first? We can't rely on his as and when wages and he refuses to get a 9-5.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 25/04/2023 16:55

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 14:56

It's up to him I'd say. Childcare when you are working is his responsibility so he needs to find the sitter - it's not up to you to juggle it.

This.

Caring for his child is a damn sight more important that pool and a bit of charity work.

He sounds selfish and lazy. He needs to remember who pays the bills.

pinkyredrose · 25/04/2023 16:55

He refuses to get a job?

PissTakeSubstitution · 25/04/2023 16:59

The fact you need to ask if you are being unreasonable in this situation speaks volumes.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 25/04/2023 16:59

Sounds like he's living the life of a single man, coming and going with you paying the mortgage and rent and basically supporting him.

I'm afraid you can't live like that when you have kids. If he gets to do what he wants without earning enough to support his family, he doesn't get to go out and socialise if that impacts your sleep, which in turn impacts your ability y I do your job. It's called being an adult.

seven201 · 25/04/2023 17:19

Stop organising the childcare for him. That's bonkers.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2023 17:19

If he wants to go out while you work and pay the bills he sorry about childcare /pays for a bs

Goldbar · 25/04/2023 17:37

She's his child as well, right? Why are you sorting childcare for him?

HermioneWeasley · 25/04/2023 17:39

Is he amazing in bed? Because I cannot think of any other reason why you would put up with this situation

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 17:49

@lanthanum

Are you seriously suggesting that the main earner in the house give up their job to allow the non earner to do gigs?

Wtf?

How about he gives up the hobbies and unreliable job and get an actual job?

@Made2Worry

Why are you putting up with this shite?

Why are you enabling him to not have a proper job and to opt out of parenting every night?

He doesn't help with housework

He's not working and is doing bog all childcare, he should be doing all the housework!

Stop being a door mat!

lanthanum · 25/04/2023 17:59

No, I'm suggesting that they consider looking at whether a change of shift times would enable BOTH of them to earn. I'm not suggesting they give up their job unless they've found one to move to which would work better for the household.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2023 18:11

lanthanum · 25/04/2023 17:59

No, I'm suggesting that they consider looking at whether a change of shift times would enable BOTH of them to earn. I'm not suggesting they give up their job unless they've found one to move to which would work better for the household.

She currently works overnight and their kids are at school so looks to me he has all day to go out and work.

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 18:14

@lanthanum

He has all day to work and earn?

lanthanum · 25/04/2023 18:25

He could indeed find work during the day. But not gigging work. Music teaching but only if he can get work in schools - private teaching would be after school.
So the decision is whether she backs him trying to build up his music career or not. Obviously if her career is also something that has to be evenings, there's no solution, but if it could be different shifts, it's something worth considering.

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 18:27

@lanthanum

The op doesn't read like he's trying to build a career.

It's sounds like he's too busy doing hobbies for that

Why should she change jobs to suit him?

CheersForThatEh · 25/04/2023 18:37

He is taking the piss out if you.

He wants childcare during your working hours, he figures it out and organises it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/04/2023 18:41

lanthanum · 25/04/2023 17:59

No, I'm suggesting that they consider looking at whether a change of shift times would enable BOTH of them to earn. I'm not suggesting they give up their job unless they've found one to move to which would work better for the household.

It isn't the household though, is it? It's OP potentially doing yet another thing that revolves around DH.

She does enough. DH needs to be the one considering making changes yet OP says he refuses to get a 9-5.

PotKettel · 25/04/2023 18:47

yanbu !!! your dh is being completely unfair

he organises the childcare, and pays for it, if he wants to go to his pool club. He can ask your dm. If he says “you ask her” then leave it an hour or two and say to dh “ she is too busy and can’t help you this week”

Tell him to get his act in order. Also on days he isn’t working HE should do the school, shopping, housework and cooking etc.

And you should get a long (uninterrupted!) lie in on Saturday a.am.

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 18:54

He's living in la la land really, isn't he .

If he lived alone and had to pay rent/mortgage he'd not be able to do "his thing " would he.

qpmz · 25/04/2023 20:43

Is it because he doesn't want to pay a babysitter that he doesn't organise one? Basically he needs to work more, earn more, do more for you and the family.

alyceflowers · 25/04/2023 21:10

He needs to get a proper job and organise his own babysitting! You and your mum should stop facilitating this ridiculousness.

BadSkiingMum · 26/04/2023 07:29

Ah the artistic man who wants the whole family to run their lives around his talent while his DW picks up the bills - not often seen on MN but when you do, he’s quite something.

In all seriousness, I think that fundamentally his gigging is incompatible with your working hours. Those evening hours do become more important as your child gets older (reading, homework and extracurricular activities) and someone needs to be around to facilitate them.

Can you find some paid evening childcare? The main thing is that he needs to sort it out. Or can he only gig on nights when you aren’t working?
Or can he do more to develop daytime work, such as teaching people in another time zone online?

SavBlancTonight · 26/04/2023 07:36

This would be bad enough if it was last minute gigs whichbat least pay, but it's for a hobby?!

No no no. He is responsible for ds from.6pm. He had all day tomfoolery hobbies. If he wants to go out, he needs to dort childcare himself.

And speaking as the wife of a musician who does earn a living as one... the endless free gigs for "contacts" and "experidnce" are bollocks. The only time dh gets a new gig off the back of an old gig is when he was paid for the first one!!!

newtowelsplease · 26/04/2023 07:50

God there are so many depressing posts about useless dickhead partners at the moment

littleripper · 26/04/2023 08:24

He is like a child.
You are responsible for the bills, mortgage, DC etc etc and he plays pool and earns pocket money?!
My DH is the same and I cannot fathom how their brains work.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/04/2023 08:34

He knows your hours, you have always done these hours so..

If he has work, hobbies etc during these hours he sorts out someone to care for them.

If he has work outside those hours then you can come to an agreement.

He shouldn't be taking unpaid work, even he isn't bringing in a regular wage, I would suggest he get a proper job.

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