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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.. my partner's dynamic with his ex

42 replies

Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:13

Hi all

I've been with my partner for just under a year now. He's wonderful for the most part: thoughtful, hardworking, kind, and a wonderful role model to my daughter (who thinks the world of him). All in all, things are good. I'm happy.

His most recent ex is still a very prominent figure in his life however, and whilst I think it's good that they're friends still, it makes me uncomfortable at times. There are weekends for example where he'll cancel our plans to look after her dogs or house sit for her. He doesn't run anything by me first.

There's also a lot of messaging between them. Last night he spent most of the evening messaging her. He physically turned his body so I couldn't see his phone. It was odd. I know they message. I'm okay with that. Why hide it? This is a regular occurance and something about it just doesn't feel right. A week or so ago we were out somewhere and he said "oh, let me take a photo. I should show this to (her name)". It hurt.

Am I being over sensitive here? Would this dynamic bother you?

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 25/04/2023 14:15

I'd be long gone.

Bigpinktrain · 25/04/2023 14:16

Yeah I probably wouldn’t hang around, he is very much still connected to her and I don’t think I could cope with that

Blondewithredlips · 25/04/2023 14:16

Go with your gut. Something is not right. You deserve better.

LisaD1 · 25/04/2023 14:18

This would not work for me!

Cheapcookies · 25/04/2023 14:19

The reddest of flags

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 25/04/2023 14:20

No no no and no. I would absolutely not be happy with this. I think it's fine for the odd chat or whatever but that regular and secretive is not okay!
Do they have children?

Original poster
Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:23

They have no children together, which is partly why it unsettles me so much. They split 8 months before I met him and they were together for 5 years.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 25/04/2023 14:24

🚩RED FLAGS 🚩
He is still into his ex. You are a nice, comfy stop over while he makes up his mind over her or has a chance to get back with her. He probably enjoys you but you don't occupy his mind the way she still does.

Throw this one back. He isn't on the same wavelength as you. You have a child to think about.

Nordicrain · 25/04/2023 14:24

This would not work for me either, he is still in that relationship to some degree.

DangerNoodles · 25/04/2023 14:24

Are the dogs just hers or were they his too? Unless they have children together that's the only reason I can think of where it may be acceptable to keep in contact. I wouldn't want to date a man in a 'dog share' situation though.

WakeMeUpInspring · 25/04/2023 14:25

Red flags galore 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

orangegato · 25/04/2023 14:26

Run, don’t walk.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2023 14:27

He's playing you for a fool.

Original poster
Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:30

The dogs belonged to both of them. She kept 2. He kept 1. The dog he kept still has a collar on with their joint double-barreled name on.

OP posts:
Charrr83 · 25/04/2023 14:32

Red flags sorry.
May current DH does have kids with his ex, we all get along great and no issues, no bad feeling etc. Never turns his back to message etc normally calls are on loud speaker since we all co parent etc. He doesn’t cancel plans to suit ex etc and not does ex expect him too (of course if there was to be emergency with kids etc that would be different)
but I do have an ex (from long ago, no longer in touch) and like yours he seemed to have some sort of tie to his ex (long before me). They had no kids together either. Secret messaging, dropping things with me to run and go do things for her. Even danced with her at a friends wedding but wising dance with me.
Nope not good sorry. You deserve better.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 25/04/2023 14:34

Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:23

They have no children together, which is partly why it unsettles me so much. They split 8 months before I met him and they were together for 5 years.

Yep sounds like he is not over her for sure, did she end it?

Original poster
Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:35

He says it was a mutual split between them; that they just drifted apart. I've questioned the legitimacy of that for a while.

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 25/04/2023 14:37

Run for the hills and leave the cosy pair to each other.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 25/04/2023 14:37

Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:35

He says it was a mutual split between them; that they just drifted apart. I've questioned the legitimacy of that for a while.

They may have drifted apart but are still emotionally dependent on each other even if they don't actually realise it.
You deserve someone that gives you 100%!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2023 14:41

There are three people in this relationship and that's never going to work.

Birminghambabe · 25/04/2023 14:47

OP how can you write that and not even realise yourself that this guy is a huge walking red flag. I do not even think you need this question answered, surely. You sound like a really trusting and kind person but you are being played a fool - and letting yourself be a fool. Texting his ex all night and turning his back whilst he texts? Come on! Wake up. Cancelling plans with you to go dog sit or house sit for his ex… really, you just put up with this? It wouldn’t surprise me if his ex was there with him.

You sound lovely and I think you deserve someone who can give you 100%. Right now there are 3 people in this relationship and I have a feeling you are going to get hurt.

I think YABU for staying with him x

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 14:53

Would this dynamic bother you?
Yes.

He doesn't run anything by me first.
You're a relatively new g/f of under a year.
It's not up to you to grant him permission to hang out with his ex. It's up to you to decide whether you are comfortable with his continued enmeshment, & move on from the relationship if not.

a wonderful role model to my daughter (who thinks the world of him).
So DD now has a role model who is so wonderful that she is learning how women meekly accept disrespect from men who constantly stand them up to prioritise their exes.

He is a relatively new b/f of under a year.
Why the hell have you let him be any kind of role model to your child?
Let alone a shit one like this.
Why are you letting her think the world of a disrespectful man? Model her expectations for her future adult relationships on his treatment of her mother?

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 14:56

I’ll bet £100 they are still intimate or certainly have plans to be. Soon.

I would run and not look back.

This is disrespectful in every way and you putting up with it makes him feel he is allowed to do so. It also shows that the ex has no respect for you as I have a strong feeling she wouldn’t be okay with it if it was her.

MusicansMum · 25/04/2023 15:10

I wouldn't want anything to do with him. It must be really horrible for you having to deal with that.

Pressuretoohigh · 25/04/2023 15:15

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 14:53

Would this dynamic bother you?
Yes.

He doesn't run anything by me first.
You're a relatively new g/f of under a year.
It's not up to you to grant him permission to hang out with his ex. It's up to you to decide whether you are comfortable with his continued enmeshment, & move on from the relationship if not.

a wonderful role model to my daughter (who thinks the world of him).
So DD now has a role model who is so wonderful that she is learning how women meekly accept disrespect from men who constantly stand them up to prioritise their exes.

He is a relatively new b/f of under a year.
Why the hell have you let him be any kind of role model to your child?
Let alone a shit one like this.
Why are you letting her think the world of a disrespectful man? Model her expectations for her future adult relationships on his treatment of her mother?

Completely agree with this.