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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.. my partner's dynamic with his ex

42 replies

Kiki92 · 25/04/2023 14:13

Hi all

I've been with my partner for just under a year now. He's wonderful for the most part: thoughtful, hardworking, kind, and a wonderful role model to my daughter (who thinks the world of him). All in all, things are good. I'm happy.

His most recent ex is still a very prominent figure in his life however, and whilst I think it's good that they're friends still, it makes me uncomfortable at times. There are weekends for example where he'll cancel our plans to look after her dogs or house sit for her. He doesn't run anything by me first.

There's also a lot of messaging between them. Last night he spent most of the evening messaging her. He physically turned his body so I couldn't see his phone. It was odd. I know they message. I'm okay with that. Why hide it? This is a regular occurance and something about it just doesn't feel right. A week or so ago we were out somewhere and he said "oh, let me take a photo. I should show this to (her name)". It hurt.

Am I being over sensitive here? Would this dynamic bother you?

OP posts:
SaladRooney · 25/04/2023 15:19

I agree with @Pressuretoohigh. There's really no point in getting into a relationship with someone who is comparatively recently split from a longterm partner and trying to set limits on what is clearly ongoing emotional involvement and a living tie in the dogs. It's a matter of deciding what you're happy with, and you clearly aren't happy.

SaladRooney · 25/04/2023 15:20

And absolutely, no boyfriend of eight months, however wonderful and whole-hearted about your relationship, should be any kind of 'role model' at all for your daughter.

Equalitea · 26/04/2023 08:54

Absolutely not acceptable. I would run a mile from this man.

I text a couple of my ex’s, my DH has met them, he knows my phone pin, no secrets etc. I do help them, they help me and we do occasionally do things alone with the children (ExDH), however I would never prioritise them over my DH, never keep secrets or be suspicious.

I would be inclined to think that your OH still has feelings for his ex and she’s taking advantage of that so she can receive his help. She should not have that power over him since they are not together!

Dillydollydingdong · 26/04/2023 09:02

My dp's ex went to live in New Zealand, which is how we like it. Maybe this woman is just taking advantage of your dp's good nature. Men can be useful. But no, I wouldn't put up with it.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 09:03

It would bother me. And I'd leave him. You can leave him for any or indeed no reason at any time .

ily0xx · 26/04/2023 09:03

Behaving this way is emotional abuse on his part

RudsyFarmer · 26/04/2023 09:06

Cheapcookies · 25/04/2023 14:19

The reddest of flags

I love this.

The reddest and largest of all red flags just blowing around in your face.

GrumpyPanda · 26/04/2023 09:09

He prioritizes his ex over you. That should tell you all about this relationship.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/04/2023 09:19

Don't be his second best

I would leave him

FishChipsMushyPeas · 26/04/2023 09:23

If there are no children involved there is no need for them to be in touch so often. I would be interested in who is doing the running here and instigating the contact.

LakeTiticaca · 26/04/2023 09:38

He's taking the piss.
I wouldn't tolerate this.
Find someone who respects you x

Putyourdamnshoeson · 26/04/2023 09:44

You need to end it with him, right now. Before you get hurt. More hurt. You've clearly moved quite fast and he is clearly not that in to you.

OrigamiOwls · 26/04/2023 09:57

You're his second choice. He cancelled your plans with no discussion based on her whims? I wouldn't be hanging around doing the pick me dance any longer.

SchoolTripDrama · 26/04/2023 10:34

Yeah he's cheating. Run!

Also, I'm honestly not trying to be mean here but this is exactly why I would never introduce my child to a new partner after just a year together. I know a year seems a long time when you've just got together and you're probably certain you have the measure of them after about 6 months but in reality you never do. Relationships regularly end after the 1 year point. I'd hate for my DD to meet multiple men during her childhood.

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2023 10:50

he'll cancel our plans to look after her dogs
That alone tells you where you stand in this relationship.

GoFasterKnickers · 26/04/2023 11:15

C'mon OP. You know this is a veritable bouquet of a red flag. Run.

Noseybookworm · 21/02/2024 14:09

So he's sat at home with you and texting his ex all evening? How would he feel if you did the same thing? I would be very pissed off 😠 and I would have told him there and then. How often is he cancelling plans with you to go and house/dog sit for her?

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