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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my friend assaulted me

62 replies

llllllllllllllllllllllllllll · 25/04/2023 03:22

Years ago my friend and I would have casual sex from time to time after we had been drinking. I was never really that into it but just chalked it up to me being inexperienced and figured it would get better as I got better. I usually felt incredibly embarrassed or ashamed the next day but I have an anxiety disorder so that was nothing new.

Then one time, back in 2018 I had the worst sexual encounter in my life so far. We were both drunk as usual but I explicitly told him to put on a condom. He said of course he would but didn't stop to go get one. I felt too uncomfortable to ask him again which I know now was stupid. We had sex and the whole time I was wishing it would be over but didn't want to say anything. He went off to the bathroom at one point and I was relieved but when he came back he wanted to keep going. Turns out he had thrown up and decided to tell me after he started making out with me again. He also was quite rough and bit my lip so hard it bled. I was fighting back tears.

Eventually, he was done and pretty much instantly fell asleep. He only had a single bed and I really did not want to share it with him. Crying, I made my way downstairs to leave because I wanted to go home but his door was locked, meaning I ended up sleeping on the floor of his room.

Often when we were drunk he either wouldn't be able to finish or he'd pull out to finish. This time it turns out he finished inside me and I had no idea. It wasn't until 4 months later that I discovered I was pregnant. Since I was barely 21 and was struggling enough with uni as it was I ended up getting a second trimester abortion which was a very traumatic and expensive experience for me.

At a party after everything was done I decided to tell him since only my mum knew at this point and he was still a close friend. He said it was hard for him because his aunt had a miscarriage before he was born or something which I thought was a bit insensitive but brushed it off.

For some reason I have stayed friends with him until now. Talking to him is easy and he's one of only 3 friends I feel comfortable hanging out with alone. He is also the reason I know most of my other friends.

But last night I learnt about something called stealthing and looked into it and the articles I found said that not using a condom after being asked to could be described as sexual assault as I only consented to protected sex. It has made me reevaluate the whole experience and I feel quite distraught. On one hand it feels validating to understand why I felt so awful and violated afterwards but on the other hand I feel like I can't possibly remain friends with someone who assaulted me.

TLDR: I think my friend of many years sexually assaulted me leaving me pregnant.

I really just want some advice. I feel like if a friend told me this I would tell them to ditch that guy asap. But I also don't want to hurt my friend because I'm sure he would think of it as a misunderstanding since he was drunk. I'm also worried all our friends would side with him because he has known them for far longer. I am just really confused about what I should do, if anything.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 25/04/2023 06:38

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 06:13

He was a nasty, disrespectful arse but I'm not sure it warrants sexual assault as the sex was consensual.

It is sexual assault because sex with contraception was consensual.

op, this man sounds absolutely vile. literally vile.

you need to go to your gp and ask for a referral for some form of therapy.

Original poster
llllllllllllllllllllllllllll · 25/04/2023 06:40

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words.

Whether it technically can be classified as assault or not your posts have made me realise that what he did was awful and he doesn't deserve to be in my life.

Thankfully I already have a therapy session scheduled for next month for unrelated things but I'll be sure to bring this situation up too. I've been ignoring it but this and other negative experiences have definitely taken a great toll on my mental health and self esteem and you have all helped encourage me to finally talk about it. So thank you!

I have an amazing partner now who is so supportive and considerate than when I told him I felt uncomfortable even kissing people he took it upon himself to ask every time if it was ok. I'll let him know later today and make sure I am supported while I begin removing that other guy from my life.

Thanks again :)

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 25/04/2023 06:41

Mortimercat · 25/04/2023 06:35

I would say not good, shouldn’t bite. But I wouldn’t accuse them of rape or sexual assault, this was very clearly consensual sex and OP was well aware of the condom situation. No it doesn’t sound respectful and she shouldn’t be friends with him, but I think it is a step too far to accuse him of rape or sexual assault and it doesn’t help anyone either.

Women have enough trouble getting recognition for assault without somebody deciding that a less than pleasant, regrettable encounter five years earlier must have been something more sinister than it was.

Show quote history

She didn't feel comfortable to ask him again to put on a condom.

When you are afraid to assert your boundaries, or have said no, or objected in any way, or asked for protection to be used and that is all ignored the party asking for those things isn't consenting.

If you are not able/don't feel safe to say NO/put in boundaries, you are not able to say yes.

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 06:43

@PaigeMatthews they were already having sex without a condom

Birdsongsinging · 25/04/2023 06:46

llllllllllllllllllllllllllll · 25/04/2023 06:40

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words.

Whether it technically can be classified as assault or not your posts have made me realise that what he did was awful and he doesn't deserve to be in my life.

Thankfully I already have a therapy session scheduled for next month for unrelated things but I'll be sure to bring this situation up too. I've been ignoring it but this and other negative experiences have definitely taken a great toll on my mental health and self esteem and you have all helped encourage me to finally talk about it. So thank you!

I have an amazing partner now who is so supportive and considerate than when I told him I felt uncomfortable even kissing people he took it upon himself to ask every time if it was ok. I'll let him know later today and make sure I am supported while I begin removing that other guy from my life.

Thanks again :)

Glad that this thread has been helpful and also that you have therapy arranged and a supportive partner. Agree his behaviour has been awful and it would be good to have him out of your life.

Greenfairydust · 25/04/2023 07:09

Well done for kicking this man out of your life and for seeking therapy to help you make sense and deal with the experience.

To me he took advantage of you and is no friend of yours.

He treated you roughly and took advantage of the fact that you were in a vulnerable position: alcohol would have played a part and your struggled to assert your boundaries and he played you accordingly...

You made it clear you did not want to have sex without a condom but he did not respect your wishes. You made your wishes clear once, you should not have had to repeat them.

As for the idiots who are saying ''you carried on having sex without condom so it is your fault too...'': the power dynamic is very different when you have in a room a man who is already showing signs of aggression/being rough and a woman who has made her wishes clear but has seen them ignored.

Often the response that our body and mind have to being forced to do something is to freeze to protect itself from further harm rather than fight. It does not mean that gives you the right to blame the victim.

I was assaulted by a male friend OP. I initially agreed to sex but clearly asked him to stop as he was being rough and I was not enjoying it but he carried on. Even when I was crying and shouting stop. I also realised he had removed the condom even if I had made clear at the beginning that I would not have sex without one.

It became sexual assault the minute I told him to stop and he did not. Am I also to blame because I initially consented? fuck that.

We really have to stop covering up for men predatory behaviour with this kind of nonsense.

Roz22 · 25/04/2023 07:18

Your feelings are totally valid, OP. To echo others, he is absolutely not your friend and never has been. He did indeed ‘stealth’, which caused you to have to go through the trauma of abortion and put you at risk of STIs - abusers like this tend to have form for doing it to other women. He then deflected blame by emotionally blackmailing you by bringing up his auntie’s miscarriage. I could go on and on. He is a threat to women.

I’d cut out all contact immediately. You do not need to consider what this looks like to other friends. I suspect he knows very well you are an easy target for him by still seeing him as a friend/having him in your life, and, if you don’t, he will continue to be emotionally abusive and manipulative at best and physically and sexually abusive at worst. Grey rock.

Please completely ignore people saying otherwise. It is common to freeze in situations such as rape and assault. Their comments are harmful and are a massive part of the problem of women questioning if something was rape or assault and therefore never reporting it.

I hope cutting him off completely can begin to heal you. Please do seek support through counselling and continue to confide in a relative or friend you trust.

Climbles · 25/04/2023 07:37

I think when you put some distance between you and this ‘friend’ you will realise how toxic the whole thing is. Regardless of the technicalities of the law, what he did was disgusting and morally wrong. Well done for seeking help to understand why you freeze and are not able to express your needs in these situations. It’s a very common response to feeling vulnerable.

NotmyRLname · 25/04/2023 07:43

If you were ok being around him before reading that stuff then what’s changed?

Vodkaislethal · 25/04/2023 07:44

Hey op; I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this,

so from what I understand you asked him to put on a condom, he said yes, you both then continued to have sex and he didn’t put one on, you were aware and said nothing and continued. He finished inside you but you weren’t aware he had and he was sick in the middle of it.

can I ask were you both very drunk?

im not sure it was assault if it was as described. Have I missed something?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2023 07:45

NotmyRLname · 25/04/2023 07:43

If you were ok being around him before reading that stuff then what’s changed?

I think op pretended to herself it was ok because she thought he was a friend and dismissed her feelings to make herself believe what he did was ok even though at a subconscious level she always knew it wasn’t.

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 07:49

NotmyRLname · 25/04/2023 07:43

If you were ok being around him before reading that stuff then what’s changed?

Because before she might have thought it was a misunderstanding or him getting carried away.

Now she knows this is a genuine pre-meditated form of abuse.

mum11970 · 25/04/2023 08:06

Whilst your so called friend sounds absolutely vile I have to agree with those that think this wasn’t rape or sexual assault. You may have asked him to put a condom on but carried on when no attempt was made to get a condom and even continued after he got up and went to the bathroom. Regret isn’t the same as assault.

Greenfairydust · 25/04/2023 08:11

''@NotmyRLname · Today 07:43

If you were ok being around him before reading that stuff then what’s changed?''

Because there is now much more information available these days about coercive behaviour/sexual assault and that it might take reading about someone else's experience to release that what happened to you was not right?

Because more women are speaking out?

Because we are finally challenging that the idea that men's needs always come first?

Because it takes time to process assault?

Because abusers are very good at gaslighting and manipulating their victim?

Because having to admit to yourself that your ''friend'' betrayed your trust is a horrible thing?

I wonder why you are trying so hard to question her motivations anyway. Respect her feelings.

This type of hostile reaction is very much why some women don't voice their concerns...

whattodo22222 · 25/04/2023 08:13

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you had a traumatic experience with your abortion.

Stealthing would be if you believed he WAS wearing a condom and he had removed it without you knowing.

Whilst what he did was not stealthing, he does sound like he has very little regard for you, your wellbeing or your pleasure and doesn't deserve to be called a friend.

His response to you having a termination is quite frankly ridiculous and really highlights the disparities in this sexual relationship. Don't sleep with him again.

Greenfairydust · 25/04/2023 08:17

''@mum11970 · Today 08:06
Whilst your so called friend sounds absolutely vile I have to agree with those that think this wasn’t rape or sexual assault. You may have asked him to put a condom on but carried on when no attempt was made to get a condom and even continued after he got up and went to the bathroom. Regret isn’t the same as assault.''

Why do people not understand simple concepts...

When 2 adults are having sex:

  • If you say no to something. It means no.
  • If you say stop. It means stop.
  • If you say ''I want you to wear a condom while we have sex''. it means wear a condom while we are having sex.

The above should not have to be repeated.

None of this means ''my clear wishes are optional and you can ignore them if you wish because you are a man and your dick comes first and if you do ignore my wishes I will be the one that people will blame so you will be just fine''....

It really is not that complicated.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/04/2023 08:20

Goodread1 · 25/04/2023 04:35

This is sexually abuse,

Sexually abusive as sounds like @llllllllllllllllllllllllllll as Op sounds very much emotionally fragile,

Sexually Assault as @llllllllllllllllllllllllllll asked him to use a condom, but he did not , and just carried on,

Sexually Coercion was involved as he gave the impression he would use a condom he never did,

Sexually explotive as he sensed like a Shark that she was vunerable...

She knew he wasn’t wearing a condom but had sex with him anyway.

Boughtitdownthemarket · 25/04/2023 08:25

He's not your friend.

RichardHeed · 25/04/2023 08:32

Rosscameasdoody · 25/04/2023 08:20

She knew he wasn’t wearing a condom but had sex with him anyway.

Show quote history

Reverse this. He knew she only wanted to have sex wearing a condom and HE proceeded anyway. Is that consent? I’ll answer that, no it’s not.

DrySherry · 25/04/2023 08:35

Let it go, this was 5 years ago and I assume he has been a good friend since then as you are still close ? It sounds to me like a drunken mistake by BOTH of you. His selfish mistake was to want to jizz inside, and yours for carrying on when you knew he wasn't rubbered up. It's not worth loosing a friends over. Drunk people make mistakes, learn from them and life goes on..

Tulipsemerging · 25/04/2023 08:36

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 06:13

He was a nasty, disrespectful arse but I'm not sure it warrants sexual assault as the sex was consensual.

This.
I would keep well away from him he's not a friend or a nice person. You were both drunk on numerous occasions and had consensual sex.

Vodkaislethal · 25/04/2023 08:43

Some of these comments are alarmist. She didn’t say no. She told him to put on a condom, he said he would, they both continued anyway.

it is also very hard to decide this is premeditated abuse. They both decided to continue without a condom. They were both drunk, to the extent he had to stop to be sick in the middle of it.

Vodkaislethal · 25/04/2023 08:46

RichardHeed · 25/04/2023 08:32

Reverse this. He knew she only wanted to have sex wearing a condom and HE proceeded anyway. Is that consent? I’ll answer that, no it’s not.

Show quote history

Hang on, he didn’t force her, she chose to continue and she knew full well he wasn’t wearing one. There is equal responsibility here.

Fraaahnces · 25/04/2023 08:54

He bit her lip until she bled. She was assaulted.