AIBU

[JeremyKyleonIce]

First post in ages, so name change.

Partner, together 8 years, last 3 not great. Actually, first 5 were pretty difficult with hindsight. Don’t live together - we’ve never wanted to and I wanted to keep my home separate for my DC.

He’s been recently diagnosed with cancer but refuses to give up smoking or smoking weed (something he doesn’t do near me). I’m absolutely appalled by this. He’s got a great chance of getting the cancer cleared as it’s been caught early and so far has been considered a ‘low grade’. I’ve lost people to cancer, including my mother so I just cannot believe he’s saying he’ll probably give up the tobacco but he’s determined to stick with the weed.

There’s no conclusive evidence weed is going to help his cancer as he’s not currently in pain, he doesn’t have siezures - he doesn’t use it for medical purposes.

I just feel he’s being an absolute childish fool, my respect for him has all but gone for this and I’m actually a bit embarrassed for him he is going to talk to the specialist, who deals with dying people every day in an attempt to bargain his way around it.

I can’t actually drop my feelings on this and feel I can’t support him through treatment if he’s not even going to even try to stop smoking both weed and tobacco - I lost a very dear friend last week unexpectedly, she didn’t have a chance of survival and I’m just so annoyed with him for being so blasé about his health - with the NHS as it is, I feel it’s a real p* take. I’ve reached my limit on patience as he’s quite an unpleasant man when he feels that way out which is what’s been turning me away from him for a good while now. But it’s cancer and I feel guilty if I don’t stick around to help. AIBU?

You’re unreasonable for naming your post AIBU?

if everyone did that it would be anarchy.

ANARCHY I TELLS YOU!!

Soz - It’s been a while.

Just break up with him. He isn't your responsibility.

It's likely the cancer was caused by his dirty habit. If he doesn't stop the cancer will probably come back. So many cancers, not just lung are caused by smoking. I can't believe people know this and still smoke.

I also couldn't stay with someone like this n

The thing here is that you say he's an unpleasant man and things have been bad between you for years. So it's not just the weed thing. YANBU at all to finish this relationship despite his diagnosis.

If he's unpleasant you should leave him for that.

Do you know what most smokers do when they're scared or stressed? They smoke. Judging him for that is disgusting

Do you ever drink? Or eat any kind of processed food? Or drive a car?

@BitchFaceResting very occasionally I drink. Processed meat maybe once a week. You can't compare that to smoking with cancer.

Agree that the cancer diagnosis is making you think you should base your decision on whether it's ok to leave someone with cancer who's continuing to smoke, but it's clear there's much more to it than that. Don't stay in a bad relationship out of guilt or pity.

I think you're being harsh. Yes it's not a nice habit and if he did this when you first met him it should've been a dealbreaker then. Not now that he's got cancer. I think you've picked a really bad time to bring this up. If you haven't had cancer you have no idea what it's like to be told you have it.

Low grade or not, the guy has cancer. Leave him alone. If his habit (which I don't like FWIW) is such a big dealbreaker for you, you should've made that clear from the start. If he wants to be silly and carry on smoking after his diagnosis that's his prerogative. It's got nothing to do with you and you don't live with him. It's none of your business really.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but I find it disgusting that his attitude is one that expects the full NHS treatment for cancer, but he’s not prepared to stop weed and tobacco - there’s also help available for that and he’s not really interested.

When I had a health scare the easiest thing to do to help myself was to stop smoking, that was years ago and there was no help available - my fear of dying prematurely stopped me!! So I’m not on board with his stance. It won’t just be me judging him for that so we can all be disgusting!

You don't like him so leave him.

Your judgement that he is disgusting isn't necessary.

Well here’s the thing, he thinks it is my business and expects me to help him. I actually ended this relationship last year, but, he’s still around mainly because I noticed his symptoms in the first place, his blood levels were being monitored and I didn’t feel it fair to totally leave him with it then. But this is just too much. It’s confirmed cancer and he’s not prepared to do the sensible thing so now I’m at crunch point.
And actually, the weed has always been a deal-breaker but he doesn’t do it near or around me - we found that compromise. It was a reasonable compromise then but it is a huge conflict for me now.

I manage my own health condition, work full time, look after my teens which is pretty hardcore…but I just can’t believe he’s being like this…

I find his attitude to this disgusting. Not him.

@Dhallow it’s his approach to the smoking through cancer I find disgusting. Not him personally.

I’m being called disgusting above for having an opinion on this. Hence me stating I find his ‘attitude’ disgusting.

Sorry, you found a compromise and that was that. You can't go back on that compromise now he has cancer. How he deals with it is up to him.

This is obviously too much for you so end it with him. You don't need a reason to end a relationship with anyone but I think you're really harsh. You can tell by the way you write that you feel strongly about this.

End the relationship then, but dumping someone who has cancer whi won't give up weed whilst going through the diagnosis is unfair. Especially if you agreed a compromise. If you decide to go back on that compromise because he has cancer that's on you.
Just leave him be. Let him figure it out. Additional pressure from you spouting at him how bad he is for still smoking when he has cancer is just going to get his back up and make him retort from you. He's having a hard enough time as it is. Leave him alone.

Marry me!! we are clearly kindred soul mates

Putting the cancer to one side, would you still be with him if he was well? If not, then end it. As you said, he's not a nice man so why stay with him out of some sort of self appointed obligation? The smoking and weed are pretty moot within the bigger picture. You don't like him, so do both of you a favour and finish it.

I actually ended this relationship last year, but, he’s still around mainly because I noticed his symptoms in the first place, his blood levels were being monitored and I didn’t feel it fair to totally leave him with it then.

How is it unfair? No one is owed a romantic/pair bond/life partner relationship (if that's what this is). A relationship of that kind is only viable when both partners want to be in it. If you feel you legitimately owe him something (although it's not clear why from your posts here), perhaps you can split up but continue help him in other ways. In thinking about what's "fair", don't forget to consider what's fair to you, and to your family if they're impacted by the situation.

If the issue were "just" the cannabis, and he's addicted and/or feels that it's theraputic, could he not transition to edibles instead of smoking? Likely his doctors have given him some advice to stop all smoking. If he's involving you in his care and you agree to that (however reluctantly) I don't think you should stay silent - although you might be more successful if you focus on solutions more than blame.

I think I just felt the relationship was at an end a long time ago. I had a major operation myself a couple of years ago so my empathy for anyone ill is quite high. I wanted the relationship ended before my operation as he is quite mean at times and I didn’t trust him to be even-tempered while I was recovering and he bust a gut saying he wanted to help - he did help in some ways and really didn’t in others. So it’s not as black and white as it appears in the original post, written late at night to put it out there so I could sleep because I’m quite frustrated. I don’t want to out myself either and if I say what my op was - there may be people here put two and two together because it was big, it is unusual so I can let the criticism slide because I know the full story. I don’t feel I can walk away from someone with cancer. It feels mean. I feel obliged to help because I know him so well. But, it’s at a cost to my values, it’s at a cost to his well-being as we can’t agree, it’s at a cost to my wellbeing, I’m immune compromised for a start and really don’t want to be trying to tend to him in his home inhaling weed smoke. So I’m just stuck - but you’re right - there may be other ways I can help get him through. Trying to discuss this in RL, my friends were furiously telling me to walk away from him and leave it to his family, to think of myself but I’m really torn. So thanks for the response.

But you should walk away. Because you don't like him and don't want to be with him.

That's what this is. You're trying to justify it by being sanctimonious about his choices.

You have every right to leave a relationship you're not happy in and should not feel guilty for doing so.

What you're currently doing is waiting to assuage your guilt by hanging on when your dislike of him and your resentment of feeling like you should stay when you don't want to is eating away at you and he will know that too.

You're not wrong for ending the relationship but no-one will give you a 'good for you' prize for leaving a partner with cancer. It won't happen.

You're not the person he needs to support him through this. You'll be making him feel like shit and you'll feel like shit.

Thing is, I could legitimately walk away in RL and many of my closest would heave a sigh of relief - people in real life probably would say ‘good for you’ - I’m not seeking validation it’s the right thing. I think you misunderstand that part of it.

But this is my conflict, and wouldn’t be the first time I’ve helped care for someone ill - the fact he’s been a partner isn’t actually the biggest issue here. The actual issue is not making sacrifices of things you enjoy to help yourself get better in the face of a major illness. That’s my problem and it’s a genuine block for me. It literally enrages me and I believe it would enrage me no matter who it was. Forget the things he’s done, the way he’s been - I stayed with him through choice - this is about the here, the now and this massive barrier that’s causing me to balk at being readily available. I’ve spent a significant amount of time in hospitals watching really ill people going through gruelling treatments. I can’t get my head past this - it’s not as simple as ‘not liking him’. I’ve cared for ill people I really didn’t like before!!

I’ve already stated that my thoughts on this will affect us all. As the thread has gone on it’s allowed me to think it through. I don’t disagree with some of the things you’re saying - but thanks for your response.

It's irrelevant. Your long post is still you making it about you and justifying why you're so angry.

You don't want to support him. You supporting him through obligation in your anger and resentment will not be good for him and not be good for you.

It's not about you or your feelings when he has cancer. It's about him and how he chooses to deal with it. Which doesn't have to involve you if you choose not to.

You're not a partner wanting to support their partner that they love and expressing frustration at how the person they love is dealing with their cancer diagnosis.

You're a partner who isn't in a loving relationship and you're just annoyed by his choices and feeling pissed off and resentful that he isn't making the choices you would make.

So you're not a partnership where each member is equally invested, will support each other through hard times and try to understand the others perspective.

So you don't like him much and you don't love him in the way that happy relationships do

You're really pissed off that he has cancer and what it may mean for you. You didn't once say you were scared by the cancer diagnosis because you didn't want him to die.

It was all about your anger about his choices. And you explained that was in some way because you'd had a shitty relationship for years.

Which is why lots of people suggested you leave the relationship.

He'll be better off without you. You'll be better off without him.

I see you quite like making it about you too. You don’t want me to look after him.

You’re way too invested in Mumsnet if my post is putting you in that space.

I’m not p*ssed off with him having cancer, as if anyone really thinks like that - and you’re just making more of that to suit your faux outrage.

But I’m very angry he’s laughing in the face of cancer by recklessly carrying on with recreational choices that aren’t necessary and aren’t going to help his long term outcomes. That is love. I’m not going to be an enabler. If 10 years down the line this kills him, I’ll know I tried to get him to stop.

No matter how much ‘bitch’ you need to pin on me.

I’m sure that’ll not be your last post on the matter - but thanks for your input.